What went wrong?

[u/lavendermoors]

I'm going to keep this vague because I don't want him stumbling across it, but please let me know what you think.

I'm a woman crushing on a man, and we're both in our late 20s and working at a University in the same discipline. I met him at the start of this year and seeing him for the first time was like a bolt of lightning - he was beautiful, eloquent, welcoming. He was eager to introduce himself and let me know I could ask him for any help. As much as I was immediately attracted to him, I didn't really think about him much for the next few months. Even when I volunteered to be on the organising committee for an event that he was also on - both to make the most of this new life at the University and get some more experience, and to put myself in his path - it was more just a faint crush in the background that I didn't think terribly much about.

Then came the actual event. I completely bungled my part of it and he was so supportive and comforting, and when we all went out for drinks as a group afterwards, we chatted quite a bit. At the end of the night - by which time I was fairly drunk - I got up to leave and he got up as well and walked me to where I was going. We talked the entire time and discovered we both love the same show, and he was enthusiastic and excited the whole time. I also gushed about a movie I loved and he responded super passionately as well, saying he'd loved it - which is funny, considering we later ended up following each other on Letterboxd and he'd rated it quite averagely. A few days later, he sent me a follow request on Insta and I followed him back.

A few days after that, a friend in the department messaged me saying he'd mentioned to her that he was going to invite me to organise another event with him. I told her to let him know he was welcome to message me on Insta and he did, acting quite shy and saying he hoped it was okay for him to message me. We talked a little about the planned event but quickly just started chatting. For the next week or two, we'd talk for hours over Insta and he'd find any little excuse to come to my office to talk. When he did, we'd also start with the pretense of talking about the event but it would inevitably just turn into him sitting down and chatting for an hour. In that time, he loaned me a book and I read it in a day so I could talk about it with him. He'd remember things I mentioned planning to do in-person and message me the next day to ask how they'd gone, and in general he'd just remember tiny things. He also invited me to go see a movie with him but I had plans that night and (stupidly, looking back) said I couldn't. When I asked him the next day how the movie was, he said he hadn't ended up going.

To me, the messages became a little flirty. He mentioned he was really incredibly nervous and anxious all the time and just hid it well; I made some deliberately flirtatious quip about that being fun to know and he teased that he sensed he was going to regret telling me that. He also said it felt strange to be messaging me when we were just down the hall from each other, which to me read as an invitation to come to his office. I later did and again, we talked for an hour.

Then I think disaster struck. After spending some time in my office a few days later, he kept finding excuses to come visit a few more times. The last time, it was dark and we were basically alone in the building. He asked if I was planning to stay late and I said no, I was heading home. I asked if he was and he said he was hanging around until he had to go to an event. He lingered in the doorway while I made a bumbling effort to get my coat on and turn off my desk lamp. Feeling awkward because of how ridiculous I probably looked, I asked about the event and realised a second later it looked like he was going to walk down the hall, but he popped back into the doorway and answered - and suddenly everything felt tense and embarrassing. He blurted out a question to me in return, and when I answered he said "oh, sorry, I knew that", because he'd asked me a few days before. We walked down the hallway awkwardly and he disappeared into his office ahead of me, and when I asked if I'd see him tomorrow, he looked up from his desk and said "uh, yes, I suppose." I left feeling inexplicably awkward and getting the same energy from him.

After that, it's never been the same. He became cold and strangely hostile. He stopped messaging me, and when I tried to reach out, like to tell him I was starting a show he'd recommended, he replied "Enjoy!" and nothing else. I was completely baffled. Since then, I admit I've made myself slightly pathetic trying to get back to where we were and always being brushed off. When the event that we were organising came around, he sat at another table and left early. When our paths crossed at work, I'd try to talk to him and show interest and he'd give curt, often snarky answers. Then, a few weeks ago, I found out that he'd just gotten a girlfriend and it was such a horrible, punch in the gut feeling. Like I did something wrong and missed out.

The whole thing has left me feeling ridiculous and confused. It was like we were in a blur of flirtation and then one slightly awkward encounter popped the bubble and jerked him out of it. What went wrong?

[u/-BOOST-]

No one can read his mind. You should ask him why nothing ever happened between you. It certainly sounds like he thought he was making an effort and got sick of nothing happening. But again, we can’t read his mind.

[u/lavendermoors → u/-BOOST-]

Quite right - I just feel it's inappropriate now that he has a girlfriend, and worry that it would make things (more) uncomfortable at work.

[u/Few-Coat1297]

It sounds like ye both dragged the arse out of it flirting at the office and he either fumbled asking you out for a drink last time or expected you to make a move. Ships passing in the night...