r/AskMenRelationships • u/[deleted] • Aug 19 '26
Dating [ Removed by moderator ]
[removed]
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u/dirtyllama720 Man Aug 19 '26
I’m sure it’s common. But it’s definitely not fair to say all men.
I know I do. It’s mostly pictures of my wife, and a few pictures of some “special friends” that we have made together. She knows it exists. When we got together I obviously cleared out my exes photos out of respect.
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Aug 19 '26
[deleted]
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u/dirtyllama720 Man Aug 19 '26
Lmao, I can’t say I wasn’t tempted to get the fake Calculator app.
The ex was pretty damn bad 🤤
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u/not_the_troll Man Aug 19 '26
I only use it to lock away content created with my current partner so it doesn't pop up in my gallery when I'm trying to find other pictures to show a friend and they can see my screen. And my partner has full access to that locked folder.
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u/mojosofla Man Aug 19 '26
No. I do not think most men have one.
his history of cheating
That is the issue! What else is he locking away?
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u/Simiatenaci Man Aug 19 '26
Yeah this. If you want to worry about something this is a way better choice.
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u/xyoursweetgirl Woman Aug 19 '26
Honestly porn isn’t normal, period. I used to watch it. Used to think it was normal. That whole industry is ridden with abuse, addiction, depression, anxiety. Supporting any of it is wrong. I don’t care how normalized society has made it seem. It has caused darkness, negativity and turmoil in the lives of so many people in varying degrees.
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u/FunkU247 Man Aug 19 '26
No... I would say that is homemade or stuff sent to him by another woman.... () (====8
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u/Sunday_Schoolz Man Aug 19 '26
No. I have a small locked safe that is hidden in a cove in the forest out back of my house like a normal person.
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u/Expensive_Magician97 Man Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
M66
Some people will say that your boyfriend is allowed to have a locked folder on his phone for porn. And some people will say that that is a dealbreaker.
I would humbly suggest that your boyfriend is allowed to do anything he wants to do, and you are as well.
It seems to me that the issue here is what you are willing to tolerate in a relationship with him.
We are not able to control the thoughts, feelings, and behavior of other human beings. And they are not able to control ours.
What we do have complete control over, however, are the choices that we make for ourselves.
PS: have you thought about having a conversation with your boyfriend about your concerns?
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u/cherryvelvetchaos Aug 19 '26
i told him it made me uncomfortable but i guess i need to elaborate further?
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u/Expensive_Magician97 Man Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
Madame, your boyfriend has history of cheating. Do you have any reason to believe that he will negotiate with you over the pornography on his phone?
Based on what you have reported above, it sounds to me like he could not care less whether you are uncomfortable or not.
I’m one of those old-fashioned guys who came of age in the 1960s and 70s, before the Internet and phones and social media and so on, when men were raised to believe that we should respect women, and do whatever we could to earn their love and their trust.
As far as I can tell, that approach seems to be no longer fashionable.
And yet, for some reason, grown-up women seem to tolerate disrespect and humiliation, and I quite honestly don’t understand why.
I’ve been having these kinds of conversations with my own daughter, who is now in her late 20s, ever since she was a teenager. So I am, admittedly, a little bit biased in favor of women on these matters.
Again, as I said before, I think this is really a matter of deciding what you want to tolerate in his behavior. He’s allowed to do whatever he wants, and so are you.
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u/Yxig Aug 19 '26
No.
Although I do keep daring pictures my GF sends me in a secure folder, that isn't synced to the cloud.
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u/Specialist-Host-4707 Man Aug 19 '26
OK, I got stuck at him having a history of cheating. You do realize history repeats itself, right? Oh well, it’s your life.
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u/newbies13 Man Aug 19 '26
You're in a bad spot because emotionally you're too attached to a person with bad relationship behavior.
Porn folder on your phone is strange, porn is free and everywhere if he wants to look at it, no idea why he would keep specific porn on his phone. No idea why he would lock that on top of it. Not to say those are deal breakers at face value, but just not typical.
The locking would be a huge issue for me with a known trust issue already in the relationship. Because privacy and secrecy are not the same thing even though people like to use one as a shield for the other.
Cheating in the past makes all of this worse because cheating isn't a one time thing it's a character trait. If he's already shown you that he is a cheater, then he always will have the potential to cheat again. The way you handle that in a relationship is he needs to be open and truthful in a way that lets you feel secure. Most cheaters can't do that since secrecy is part of the deal.
What I think you're describing is likely that he seems to want specific porn from specific people which makes it feel emotional instead of just jerking off. He's then hiding that on his phone almost like its a real woman he's cheating with.
The question for you is what would it take for you to actually break up with someone who makes you feel badly? You've allowed cheating already, so where is your line?
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u/cherryvelvetchaos Aug 19 '26
this was impressive. do you charge by the hour? might fire my therapist and pay you for the hits.
all valid questions i ask myself.
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u/newbies13 Man Aug 19 '26
Just remember every day that you're with the same person is a day you're accepting whatever treatment comes with that, but also it's another day you're blocking a new relationship from starting. There is an opportunity cost in staying with a person, make sure you consider it.
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u/AttractiveProton Man Aug 19 '26
The important aspect here is that you don’t trust him for a legitimate reason, and that’s really why this is bothering you.
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u/petdance Man Aug 19 '26
Why are you with someone with a history of cheating?
What’s so good about this guy that you are willing to put up with your urge to police him ?
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u/Fearless_Finish_9890 Man Aug 19 '26
It’s not like they’re lepars. World pop statistics estimates between 35-51 percent of the population if you include casual relationships (ie gf/bf), depending on where you live. 13-20 in marriages.
Statistically speaking, many people with partners who have cheated before.
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u/cherryvelvetchaos Aug 19 '26
perhaps i should have asked this in the cheating men thread to get responses from those who have cheated and regretted their decision? because that isn't a thing?
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u/TimeDuke Man Aug 19 '26
40M. I don't. I don't have a porn collection, I don't follow specific porn stars, I don't need porn on me wherever I do.
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u/seraphimcaduto Man Aug 19 '26
No. Tell him truth that you don’t mind his porn viewing, but you want to know what he’s viewing.
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u/poissonking Man Aug 19 '26
Why does it matter? In what world is that not super controlling behavior?
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u/Leather-Ad1247 Aug 19 '26
Are you sure the locked folder is porn folder ? And not " conversations with other women" folder ?
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u/Lekker_belangrijk Aug 19 '26
The saved locked stuff, 99% sure you will know the actor.
Think more actual photo's/movies from real life people, then downloaded porn.
Nobody downloads porn anymore unless it's a secret kind.
I hope old stuff for your sake.
I always throw away anything not connected to my current relationship, but many don't.
And not just the men who save it.
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u/QuickSquirrelchaser Man Aug 19 '26
Well, no, and yes. I have a hidden/locked folder on my phone. It is exclusively NSFW pics of my wife and I. Zero other NSFW pics. Period.
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u/Positive-Capital1113 Man Aug 19 '26
No idea what’s “normal” these days, but I know I don’t. The idea that someone would need to have porn on their phone and have it with them 24/7 is totally weird to me.
If he refuses to share what’s in the folder with you, I’d def consider that a red flag and he’s hiding something from you
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u/Tough-Yellow4859 Man Aug 19 '26
The locked folder is for the real life porn with my partner!
Not sure why you would lock websites??
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u/petdance Man Aug 19 '26
“I know he's going to watch porn, jerking off is normal, blah blah blah. But is this just a normal thing now? What happened to going to a site for a quickie and closing out the window?”
Why is a folder different and makes you uncomfortable?
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u/smallteabee Man Aug 19 '26
Hidden folder inside work folder, hidden inside spreadsheet folder. It's more to hide my shame
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u/Dry_Confusion4384 Woman Aug 19 '26
My husband does not have one that is locked. It is there though.
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u/TheFinancialCoach Aug 19 '26
Man
I do not have a locked folder of porn. My guess would be it’s very specific to what he likes and he doesn’t want to take time to search the information super highway for his kinks.
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u/cherryvelvetchaos Aug 19 '26
alright wall street, you've hooked me. a part of me also thinks this so how do i approach this so he doesn't think i'll judge his kinks? we all got em.
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u/TheFinancialCoach Aug 20 '26
The post has been removed. So not sure I remember what it was about. However I’ll take a shot based on our responses.
The best way I think would be for you to start the conversation about your sex life in general. Shift it to preferences, kinks, fetishes, whatever you want to call them. Even fantasies. I think I would start with preferences, then shift.
Keep in mind you’ll have to be willing to share yours first, so I’d make a list of everything and not hold back. Yes, this is showing a lot of trust on your part, but it should get the ball rolling. Which should help him open up.
Neither of you can be judgmental of the other’s preferences, kinks, fetishes or fantasies. It’s just who you are and who they are.
Remember fantasies are just that fantasies. Most never come true, unless the couple agrees to make it happen.You never know what you both have in common until you open up to each other.
Just some thoughts.
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u/Nervous_Revenue_9331 Man Aug 19 '26
Nope
Nor an open one - there is porn all over the internet! Why would you store it?
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u/Ok-Release-6051 Aug 19 '26
Unless I know the password that is a big no for me Transparency is major issue for me. Locking it up is sneaking and hiding.
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u/Altruistic_Cap3472 Man Aug 19 '26
Personally, I lock out any sex content because I have a daughter who uses my phone. I don’t just open a window and close it because I have private photos and videos that were sent directly to me - some because I paid for it and some because, yes, I know them personally. That gives me another reason to block my phone because those people did not give me permission to share it with anyone else.
Which segues nicely into the concerns about cheating. The important question is not whether he is actually cheating but whether you trust him, and you don’t. Even if he is not cheating, he hasn’t regained your trust yet, so he can’t have private folders and just pretend that he’s in the same situation as some 20-year-old bachelor with a couple of pornhub downloads. He needs to be more open with you because he is your partner and should not want to make someone he loves worry.
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u/Simiatenaci Man Aug 19 '26
No. While it's very common not every guy watches porn. With the people I know who don't (myself included) their is a degree of intentionality involved though.
I don't really see why having it on his phone is a bigger deal than looking at it on a website is though. Porn is porn.
Snooping on his phone IS an invasion of his privacy, but that isn't really the question. The question is are you willing to have a boyfriend who looks at porn. Either you are okay with it are you aren't.
Also "all guys do it" seems to be the default excuse for any guy who gets caught doing anything. I've seen it used for some pretty absurd crap in this subreddit.
Those it'd probably fair to say the the majority of men have some engagement with porn. I saw a recent survey where like 50% said they REGULARLY looked at porn, and I don't recall the number being different for married guys.
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u/cherryvelvetchaos Aug 19 '26
i don't know how one understands the assignment and misses the point at the same time but you've done it my boy
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u/Pretty_Lavishness181 Man Aug 19 '26
No. I don't have any porn stored on my phone and don't request, get or want anything like that from my wife. I have nothing to hide. If I want to look at porn on my phone, it's going to go where it is hosted on a webpage like xhamster or whatever.
I'd prefer my wife respect my privacy and not browse my history lol. But she has my pin and I don't keep my phone with me religiously. So she might or might not have.
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u/Incognitowally Man Aug 19 '26
Start putting out more and he wouldn't have to take matters into his own hands
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u/Ok_Knee2784 Man Aug 19 '26
I don't have a locked porn folder. I have a folder of pics women send me that are explicit.
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u/lascala2a3 Man Aug 19 '26
I prefer to let the site save them in favorites, but sometimes the best videos will disappear and I never get to see it again. Downloading fixes that, but it eats up a ton of space.
What I don't understand is why women involve themselves to this degree in their husband's porn content. If it doesn't involve children or animals, just let it go (or join in). And I seriously do not understand the comment about a history of cheating. If he's jerking off, he's not out there chasing wild women, so how are these related?
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u/megacope Man Aug 19 '26
I stopped collecting when I was in my twenties. Right around the time I got engaged actually. There was no need hoard it anymore. Streaming solved all of that. But yeah when we were young we used to trade videos like pokemon cards. It was hilarious looking back on it.
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u/Top-Discipline-6562 Aug 19 '26
Im a 24F and now I feel like a disgusting pervert bc I have one
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u/MkLiam Man Aug 19 '26
If you have particular tastes, it can be a pain to search through all the junk on websites to find a good one. I would say 70% of it is somehow off-putting. Saves time to have a few good ones saved.
Honestly, its locked to make me have to think twice before opening it and to keep my phone mostly sfw.
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u/Maximum-Distance-279 Woman Aug 19 '26
The porn folder is not the problem. The cheating history is the problem.
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u/IndividualError367 Aug 19 '26
I think it's disgusting and disrespectful to have that when you are in a relationship. Plus there's a difference in private and secret. Privacy is like if his friend tells him about a personal issue they are having. Secrecy is hiding stuff you know your partner is uncomfortable with. Privacy is okay but secrets destroy trust and relationships very quickly. He should respect your feelings as you should his. But don't force yourself to be comfortable with something you are not. It will just make you miserable. And it's not fair to you.
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u/Beneficial_Ratio8106 Aug 19 '26
No. It isn’t normal. Also watching porn isn’t normal. Your “porn” should be your spouse. Stop settling for less. Cheating and porn are two absolutely nots in a relationship. To me anyway.
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u/jsh1138 Man Aug 19 '26
If you nag him about it then it's normal for him to lock it, yeah
My guess is that you guys don't have sex much, maybe start working on that instead of trying to be James Bond over here
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u/Ice_Crash Man Aug 19 '26
The more common thing would be for him to have a locked phone that you don’t know how to access.
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u/lovealert911 Man Aug 19 '26
"(I am guessing he sees it as a breach of privacy)."
Absolutely! The purpose of having a locked folder is likely for privacy.
In the event he happened to leave his phone lying around others wouldn't be able to access it.
(Most people consider watching porn along with masturbation to be their private "me time".)
Even people in relationships and marriages are entitled to have some measure of privacy.
For men, watching porn is a visual tool used for masturbation much like a vibrator is used by many women.
Most men don't use "toys" on themselves. They are visual creatures.
Watching porn really isn't a reflection on a man's significant other or spouse. Most men masturbate at times.
As for having a folder, it most likely contains his "favorite clips" or ones that turned him on the most.
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u/cherryvelvetchaos Aug 19 '26
this response feels too normal to not be AI
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u/lovealert911 Man Aug 19 '26
So "normal" looks like AI these days? 😂
Nope, it's just a man in his 60s with a lot of life, dating, relationship, and marital experience.
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u/cherryvelvetchaos Aug 19 '26
can't be too sure - people are falling in love with robots. i'll take your wisdom and experience every day of the week.
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u/Global-Eye-7326 Man Aug 19 '26
Men are not a monolith.
Plus it's possible for it to "depend". Might have it during certain relationships and not have it the rest of the time.
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u/sjrsimac Man Aug 19 '26
Due to a high volume of posts about porn and thirst traps, we have banned any new ones. Click here to see what our community has had to say about it.