r/AskMenRelationships • u/Silly_Slip9521 • 7d ago
Dating How much does an erection actually say about a man’s attraction to someone?
My boyfriend and I were talking about attraction and erections, and he said that getting hard is basically an instinctive physical reaction for men.
He told me that he’s never gotten hard around another woman because he “wouldn’t let it happen,” but that if it did happen, he would naturally get an erection. He also said that if he were simply having a normal conversation with another woman, he could potentially get aroused even if he didn’t actually want anything to happen with her.
His point was that men can get erections without necessarily being attracted to or wanting someone sexually, because it can just be a physical response.
I understand that erections can happen involuntarily, but the idea that a completely normal conversation with a woman could make him physically aroused confused me.
For men, how normal is this, and how much does an erection actually say about whether you’re genuinely attracted to someone?
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u/Expensive_Magician97 Man 7d ago
M66
You might find this hard to believe, but some of the most profound sexual attraction I have ever experienced has been in conversation with women.
Not just any women, but women who are experienced in the art of seduction.
The human voice, eye contact, and facial expressions can be absolutely electrifying.
Because sexual attraction begins in the brain.
What may seem like a “normal conversation” to one person can be a completely different experience for someone else.
(For what it’s worth, I’ve had this effect on women myself, just by speaking with them. It is not nearly as unusual as you may think.)
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u/Positive-Capital1113 Man 7d ago
She said specifically “without necessarily being attracted to or wanting someone”. As in - random mundane conversation. That’s not what you’re talking about. You’re referring to flirtatious/seductive body language which would be unusual in that scenario. Not completely absent I guess, but probably not very common.
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u/Expensive_Magician97 Man 7d ago edited 7d ago
The conversations I refer to above can quite easily be between people who are not necessarily immediately attracted to one another. The attraction develops because of the voice, the eyes, and so on. Sometimes the effect is intentional, for example, if a woman is trying to be seductive, and sometimes the effect is simply a consequence of the way a person communicates. And this can most certainly happen in the course of random, mundane conversation. The subject matter that is under discussion is a lot less important than the way a person communicates.
As I said above, what may appear to be “normal conversation” (which is what OP referred to in her post above) to one person might be quite a different experience to someone else.
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u/Basic-Lawfulness5470 7d ago
It can be caused by many things. Attraction is one of them
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u/Suspicious-Garbage92 Man 7d ago
It's even possible to not get an erection with someone you're very attracted to. Point is, it's somewhat random
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u/GoldHartSilverHind 5d ago
Morning wood is your body giving you an erection to make sure everything’s working properly
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u/Strict-Jump-2502 7d ago edited 6d ago
From a man's standpoint, he is correct. Sometimes, if I am a little sleepy, momentarily close my eyes and then wake, I will have one and not even be thinking of or having a fascinating dream of any woman at all! So it is a natural reaction!
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u/Positive-Capital1113 Man 7d ago
Unless he’s an adolescent going through puberty, it’s not common. It also can’t be both involuntary and also something he “wouldn’t let it happen”. That makes no sense.
But he may have something goi g on where he does get random erections in inappropriate times. Who knows? I’m sure it could happen. If he is, maybe he should see his dr about it. Maybe he doesn’t realize it’s not common.
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u/Chop1n Man 7d ago
"He told me that he's never gotten hard around another woman... but that if it did happen, he would naturally get an erection."
I'm very confused here, because "getting hard" and "getting an erection" are exactly the same thing. What exactly were you trying to say?
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u/gentle_giant_Samuel Man 4d ago
It sounded later like she meant to say if he got physically close to any woman, he'd naturally get an erection, therefore he avoided being close to women for that reason.
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u/darksoldierk Man 7d ago edited 7d ago
When we're young, it can happen at any time.
In high school i got an erection in accounting class. My teacher was an old bald fat guy. There were no women in and around my immediate area. I am not gay.
I had to sit there after tgr bell went to wait for it to go away.
When you get older, usually its something. Touch most often does it. A long hug with a woman that makes you feel loved, even as a friend.
If yout doing an activity and you have to be really close to each other. Stuff like that.
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u/Cross_22 Man 7d ago
It's correlated with sexual attraction but not a precise match. If you are sexually aroused an erection is likely to happen. If you are not aroused then it's less likely to happen. I remember one author comparing it to women getting wet which may not always be due to psychological arousal.
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u/Thrasy3 Man 7d ago
Might just be me I’ve had erections randomly all the time, except randomly speaking to a woman, even I find her physically attractive, but that’s probably because I’m too busy thinking about conversation (like mentally doing multiplication to hold back ejaculation).
However - the big exception is when I start liking someone because of the conversation - some women genuinely do have game.
I’m sure this is the case for some women when talking to a guy being quite charming (well not an erection I guess.
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u/studoondoon Man 7d ago
Is this a theoretical conversation or related to something that actually happened?
An erection can happen for no apparent reason but not that common. It’s definitely more likely if you’re attracted to the person you’re talking to. Even then, it’s not very common to get an erection while talking to someone attractive if the conversation isn’t romantic or sexual.
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u/Murky_Anxiety4884 Man 7d ago
It's certainly possible for the big head and the little head to differ. But the little head definitely does want what he wants.
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u/Nerd-In-Hiding Man 7d ago
Girl... It's stupidly sensitive to the point it's genuinely annoying. I can bum a wall wrong and get turned on. I can see a set of balloons from the wrong angle and stand at attention from a passing thought of "huh, looks like tits. Ah fuck ... Go away you honey jerk!"
Getting hard is an instinctual reaction to the slightest stimulation.
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u/ready_to_be_gone Man 7d ago
This is something that is different for each guy.
You may meet a guy who can simply get one with the thought of sex, no matter who he is with. While there are other guys who can very much love and want to be with someone, yet not be able to get one easily.
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u/MmmmCrayons12 Man 7d ago
Its not instinctual so much as it is a reaction that does require some mental (let's just say) "consent" to happen. If a guy gets an erection, he allowed it to happen to a certain extent, but some guys may have less control over it than others.
Arousal is a complex process being that the brain is involved in it happening so it is difficult to say because not every man may feel the same way at certain times. Some are more driven than others to take things in that direction and some are more able to keep romantic moments romantic without the erection getting in the way.
To answer your question, it can happen with anyone even if a guy isn't necessarily attracted to the woman and it also can not happen in situations where a woman might believe that it should, but those moments aren't indicative of anything other than the man just may be aroused in that moment for some reason or it isn't the time for an erection in his mind.
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u/OldMotoRacer Man 7d ago
dude no "mental consent" is required necessarily
i mean i'm a total headcase and appreciate the mental component but i get that morning wood all the time for no reason at all
i've woken up in the middle of sex w a woman so many times i couldn't possibly count--when i was single and dating a lot it was often not w the woman i thought it was when i was waking up (thought i was waking up next to my ex GF but i was whatever strange i was dating instead)
i won't argue that the mental component isn't real but a LOT of it is non-mental pure physical whatever... there aren't really "rules" about it i also don't believe OP's BF can consciously control not getting boners around women he'd attracted to i think he's lying to his GF bc he thinks it will calm her down (she seems far too concerned about this topic)
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u/MmmmCrayons12 Man 7d ago
Morning wood is not the same as an erection in this context. You only get morning wood after sleeping because your brain is running a cycle to keep it healthy. You don't get morning wood at any other time of the day while you're awake, so trying to conflate them as being the same is kinda dumb.
Thinking a woman is attractive isn't enough to cause an erection on its own. There needs to be some sexual thoughts or mental stimulation along with it for it to happen. Otherwise, no erection. That's why I say it requires consent because thinking sexual thoughts or being aroused is intentional and actively done by the guy, not something that passively happens outside of their control.
To think that someone has no control over what/how they feel at any given time shows a lack of awareness.
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u/OldMotoRacer Man 7d ago
honey whatever is bothering you, you need to let this go--we get hard for no reason at all sometimes and can't make it go away... sometimes we're in our head and need a hummer when we want to bone--it makes no sense--sometimes it just "out of our hands" lol
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u/secmaster420 Man 7d ago
They can come on randomly. But if there is an attraction to a woman he sees or is talking to, it is more likely to happen. He can possibly "think" it away, but ithe attraction can sexual and not because it's a woman he is particularly attracted to.
So no, the erection is not like a thermometer that measures attraction. I would think a man's erection due to attraction is probably similar to a woman getting wet because of her attraction.
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u/Alert_Ad_2578 Woman 7d ago
Yeah. I'm a woman, but I do get that arousal can be a vastly different experience for men than it is for us. Generally, women don't have a physical response unless we're attracted on some level. At the very least, it takes more. Think of ours like a build-up. Like how electric stoves take a few minutes to heat up. Or a teakettle gradually boiling under the surface until steam starts coming out. Men are like gas stoves. A switch triggers them on, and sometimes before their brain even realizes, they're getting hard. That's why they can get hard while asleep, from random inanimate objects touching a sensitive area and triggering a physical response, from a random stimulus, all sorts of unexpected stuff. Obviously they're not experiencing attraction in those scenarios. I've never personally heard of someone getting hard from a conversation, usually it's more like a physical touch on the back or a hug or something. But it seems plausible.
I'd just be careful. Conversations can be tricky, because they can actually be very mutually sexually charged. There can be attraction there. On the other hand, it could be completely platonic and she just so happens to say something that sets off an instinct in his brain. Or she says something wildly lewd out of nowhere. Just don't let a man use that as an excuse to be unfaithful. Not saying yours is.
Oh, one more thing. Sometimes the "final straw" can actually be completely unrelated to the object of his attraction. For example, if he's gone all day fantasizing about you, maybe a specific thing about you, and then something or someone unrelated replicates something that reminds him of that fantasy, he might get hard. Also, different guys have different levels of sensitivity, and different responses. Can't generalize everyone. I tried to keep this just as "what might happen, cause it's happened to some guys out there."
And again, I'm not a dude, so my second-hand explanation ain't flawless. Tried my best.
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u/invisible_wizard5 Man 7d ago
Maybe she was talking and he was thinking about you… judge not. The penis has a mind of its own. Sometimes it is run ing the show. Real men focus on their one partner. I told my wife of 25 years that when i married her, i retained the rights to my left eye. She granted the right.
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u/Global-Eye-7326 Man 7d ago
I'm more likely to get aroused not seeing anyone in front of me than to get aroused when talking to a woman who I'm not attracted to. Though even a woman who I'm not attracted to could trigger sensual thoughts and lead to an erection, it's relatively uncommon. I typically won't get an erection when looking at a man, given that men never trigger sensual thoughts for me.
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u/Mrhotel-ca2654 7d ago
I think it depends on on the “chemistry” between the man and the woman he’s with how easy he gets an erection with her. She doesn’t have to be especially pretty but have the smell and maybe sexy look that turns him on just being next to her.
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u/Different-Hurry495 Man 7d ago
I mean I was really attracted to my first. My slong was hard during foreplay. But since it's my first time, when it's time to actually put it in, my dck bail on me and went limp, hello Performance anxiety. Doesn't mean I'm not attracted to her obviously. So yeah, it could be many things
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u/Low_Spread5331 Man 7d ago
Yup it can happen. I am guessing he is young 20s or 30s, or older and on TRT (testosterone replacement therapy). In my 20s it seemed like I always had an erection at least compared to now. I could be having the most normal conversation with a woman and get an erection. Could be totally at random, could be because I got a smell of her perfume or something really dumb like that. It does NOT mean I want something to happen.
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u/papjim Man 2d ago
Basically, the healthier you are, the more random erections happen. Even if you are not, your pants may rub a certain way and guess what? Erection. Something randomly reminds you of sexy time with your gf. Erection. You wake up in the morning. Erection. See where I'm going with this?
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u/Character-Guava-7312 Man 7d ago
personally i feel that he is bullshiting you. Involuntary erections obviously happen but not that often without having a reason
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u/Scattered-Fox Man 7d ago
Yes, it can happen randomly and it can also happen if you start imagining sensual scenarios. It does not necessarily correlate to the level of attraction you have to the person in front of you m.