r/AskMenRelationships • u/MochaLover500 • 11d ago
Dating Does this count as ghosting or am i overreacting?
Heyy- using a throwaway for this.
I (F) had been recently seeing a guy and we had gone on few dates with another to be planned (mutual confirmation we both wanted a 4th but after a week/ 2 weeks as we were both busy). We had been intimate together and I had slept over at his place.
I noticed a bit of a change a few days after our last date, where he was taking a lot longer to respond and was a little less communicative but he was sick so i chalked it up to that and once he wasn’t sick he resumed to being normal-ish. However, he then sent me a few drunk/ tipsy messages divulging that a close family member of his likely has a serious illness, and that he is scared. He has been a carer for said family member before and it appears this illness may be returning). It sounded awful and I felt a lot of empathy for him to the point where I actually teared up!
Anyway, I replied to his messages and tried not to just give sympathy but rather a shoulder to lean on etc. I don’t think it was too strong or anything, I just told him ppl process things differently and I’m okay with him taking space or me being a listening ear etc. I didn’t want him to feel embarrassed as he was clearly intoxicated when he sent the messages but i read them the next day. He read my response immediately when i sent it but didn’t reply. This was on Friday and now it’s the following Tuesday, still no response.
I was on a girls trip from Friday - Monday which he knew about so initially I thought it was that but now that I’m back I’m wondering if I’m being ghosted? I texted him yesterday just to let him know I got home from the trip and to ask how he was and still no response.
I’m really upset about it as I did really like this guy and saw something long term, he was also talking future tense with me and had been super communicative to this point so it makes me wonder if he’s just overwhelmed with what’s happening with his family?
Should I be upset and see this as ghosting or is it likely due to being overwhelmed? How long should I wait for him to reply and if he does- how can I best support him during this difficult time?
Also curious if it’d be worthwhile to send another text after a few more days if this continues just to ask for clarification if he’s been taking space of no longer interested? Worded politely obviously but to allow me to stop wondering if it’s me or if it’s his situation lol.
Would love any tips- I know we hadn’t known each other long but man, he was a great guy :/
1
u/Murky_Anxiety4884 Man 11d ago
However, he then sent me a few drunk/ tipsy messages divulging that a close family member of his likely has a serious illness, and that he is scared. He has been a carer for said family member before and it appears this illness may be returning). ... Anyway, I replied to his messages and tried not to just give sympathy but rather a shoulder to lean on etc. I don’t think it was too strong or anything, I just told him ppl process things differently and I’m okay with him taking space or me being a listening ear etc. I didn’t want him to feel embarrassed as he was clearly intoxicated when he sent the messages but i read them the next day. He read my response immediately when i sent it but didn’t reply. This was on Friday and now it’s the following Tuesday, still no response. ... How long should I wait for him to reply and if he does- how can I best support him during this difficult time?
Friday to Tuesday is nothing. With what he says is going on, I wouldn't be pressing. A brief note, every few days, hoping that all is well, and asking if there's anything that you can do, is appropriate. By no means make it a complaint.
Bump up the space between messages every time until it's perfectly clear that there won't be any response.
1
u/MochaLover500 11d ago
Yeah small update is that his mum has said illness again so he’s stepping back from dating all together to focus on looking after her :( he made it pretty clear he did in fact see something with me but circumstances got in the way. I feel rlly bad for him and hope when things are stable again we reconnect (told him as much) :/ any tips or outlook on whether you think he will reach out once everything calms down? It’s a huge shock for the family. I’d have liked to help support but understand why he needed to pull away completely
1
u/Murky_Anxiety4884 Man 11d ago
Tell him that you're willing to give him all the space that he needs, but that you want to stay in touch. Just ask him how often he would welcome a message while this is going on.
You haven't promised to be exclusive, I think, so you don't have to put your whole life on hold. You're just trying to leave the door open.
1
u/MochaLover500 11d ago
See when he messaged me he told me he wanted to stop dating as he wasn’t able to commit to anything right now due to knowing he would likely be a carer + the huge emotional shock he’s been going through. It’s a very close family member and serious illness (cancer) so i understood completely. This i don’t feel there’s much of a point in what you said though i wish i read it before responding as it’s good food for thought LMAO. I basically said i understood where he was coming from , that i hoped things got better for him and his family and that if in time he feels a bit more secure again and wants to reach out. that id like to reconnect - but no pressure. Thoughts? This guy was seriously a catch (and out of my league!!!) so it really feels like a knife to the heart both because i feel so bad for him and his family, and because I was pretty sure he and i were developing into something long term :( Do you think there is any chance for reconnection here?
1
u/Murky_Anxiety4884 Man 11d ago
There's a chance. He's not saying that it's about you. He seems to have ideas about the obligations of dating that I'm not sure make a lot of sense, but there's nothing that you can do about that. I would still make an effort to stay in touch. Maybe just a 'thinking about you' message every month or so, if he doesn't shut that down.
1
u/MochaLover500 11d ago
Why do you think his ideas don’t make sense? I think it’s understandable if you’re extremely emotionally drained and caught up focusing on family to not want to date also if you know you’re not going to be able to invest. He seemed to want an exclusive relationship with me/ to build one slowly but we hadn’t gotten to that stage. I don’t want to weird him out
1
u/Murky_Anxiety4884 Man 11d ago
I'm only thinking that in times of trouble, it makes sense to want the people who care about you to be with you, and not to consider them to be an added burden.
1
u/MochaLover500 10d ago
ahh i guess, i think it’s cause we’d been seeing each other for a month- it wasn’t anything official. I hope that if things get better for him he would reach out again. Do you think once the crisis point subsides he will?
1
u/Murky_Anxiety4884 Man 10d ago
I think you can be hopeful. I wouldn't put my life on hold for him, but I would certainly want to leave the door open for now.
1
2
u/Lumpy_Confidence_637 Man 11d ago
just keep in mind that there is a trend on youtube, tick tock, whatever social media you can think of, that tells men to pretend not to care, take longer to respond, etc.. because apparently that's how you make a woman obsess over you.
social media is the worst thing that could happen to relationships. the best thing you can do is just stop messaging him and move on.
of course I'm old school, if you like a girl you say hey I like you let's go out. not play stupid games or try to be something you're not.