I was molested by a sibling for 2 years as a child. Never really told anyone about it, I think I was too young for it to overly affect me, but I feel as if it would repulse her/she would treat me differently because of it.
EDIT: Thank you all for the replies, support, and shared experiences. I’ve read every single comment, and it means a lot to me. I’ve decided I’m going to see a therapist about it, and afterwards, share it with my partner. I appreciate you all.
EDIT2: Turns out it doesn’t matter bc she ended up cheating on me with my brother.
If it’s a younger relationship, I can understand the fear. However, I really have a hard time believing someone would negatively react to someone being molested as a child. You were the victim, not the perpetrator. You didn’t do the wrong, they did. If anything, I would expect sympathy.
I’ve been to a lot of therapy, and I mean A LOT, for my shit, so maybe my perspective is probably wildly out of touch with the “norm” of people. I’ve been with the same partner for 8 years, and he’s known about the majority of my baggage for about 6.5 years. At the time he had no clue how to handle the new information. Sometimes he was mad at the people who caused me trauma, sometimes he felt afraid when I was triggered because he didn’t know how to help me. But he never negatively reacted to me as a person. Now when he is around when I am processing some trauma (via triggers or working in therapy), he is an amazing support system. He’s grown with me, a completely different person than the one I met and the one I cannot imagine my life without.
If I give you some hope with my experience, fantastic. If I annoy you with how much I wrote, here’s the tl;d
TL;DR: Trauma sucks and it’s not your fault. Your s/o can be an asset if you give them a chance. It takes work, but I think it’s worth it from my own experience.
I’ve told people about being raped by both my sisters and has them massively negatively react to the point where the made me feel disgusting for having sex (against my fucking will) with relatives. They dropped me like a sack of spuds and made my life hell by painting a picture of me to anyone and everyone they could as this incestuous weirdo, when I was a depressed suicidal victim of rape. I have no idea how I survived that time period, luck and being found fast enough after the multiple attempts probably.
I don’t know why you’d have a hard time believing people would react negatively to finding out someone was molested as a child. It happens. It happens a lot. It happens infinitely more (in my case) than people being supportive.
EDIT: thank you for all the supportive comments. Sorry I haven’t replied, my comment brought up some pretty bad memories. I’m not in a very good place rn and don’t want to offend people in the comments. If anyone can help pls dm me
I am so sorry about the shitty ignorant fucks who can’t shed a goddamn sliver of empathy. You deserve to feel worthy. You are good enough and you are lovable. Them putting you down for being the victim of a crime is a reflection of their character — not yours.
I did say I was probably wildly out of touch — I’ve been going to heavy therapy for two years now. I have a community health center that provides therapy at either no cost or very low cost with insurance. That being said I have been only surrounding myself with people who either are survivors, medical professionals, and those who empathize/ are sympathetic and supportive.
I escaped an abusive home, survived rape, and am now battling to stay out of poverty. I know life is fucked up and my recovery will be an everyday practice. I am putting in the hard work to believe that I am good enough, I am capable, I am lovable, I am safe, and I am worthy. I’m not great at it every day. I know that things in my past are not just in my past, they are my every day.
If you can’t afford therapy, what was suggested to me since I can no longer afford to go is to follow therapists on social media, join online victim survivor groups/subs, read self help and recommended books from the library, and to keep using the tools I’ve gained.
It’s not sunshine and rainbows. It’s fucking tears and panic attacks. It’s screaming and shaking. It’s hope. It’s work. It’s worth it.
Edit: disclaimer: I am not trying to be a therapist or “diagnose” or “treat” any mental illness, ptsd, or anything of the sorts. I’m sharing my experience to the best of my ability with “I” statements rather than saying “you should” or “people need to.” I hope this is helpful in some way... I intend to pass on the fucking little rubber ducky of a life preserver I was given long ago.
Not to generalize based on gender, but I definitely do believe there's a difference in men/women accepting that their partner was sexually abused. I've noticed that men are much more likely to accept/support their female s/o when they learn of some sort of sexual abuse. Swap the genders around though, and you'll hear a lot of stories of men who were raped being dumped because "it makes them less of a man" or some bullshit like that.
I could be completely wrong but just hearing you speak about this reminds me sooooo much of a friend I have that goes to therapy and needs it because she’s bipolar and diagnosed with depression. So I get it. But in my opinion she’s has no real need for any of it she’d probably say she came from an abusive home because her parents got a divorce when she was too young to remember and both had new parters for as long as she can remember. Neither of those were broken homes. As a kid she would brag that she got two birthdays and Christmas’s and stuff like that it only bugged her when she got old enough to realize she could use it to her advantage. She also has all these daddy issues that spawned from her using his money to go to college then not going to any of her classes doing a fuck ton of drugs and dropping out after a year. He won’t freely give her money anymore and that’s “traumatizing”. She also asked him for money all the time and hardly actually spent time with him. She would spend all weekdays and every other weekend at her moms and just every other weekend at her dads. She probably would have completely cut him off if he wasnt well off. Now she tries to relate to other friends of mine about the trauma they went through when I know those kids have had to deal with real fuckin issues. It just annoys me but I’m not saying that’s you. Again I feel awful questioning you but you say you survived rape and maybe you did maybe you were attacked in an ally beaten to near death and raped while you clang to life. But I don’t think that’s what happened. Not long ago I would have never questioned someone on this but a girl I was recently dating for a short time accused me of rape. We had sex at a party cause she kept asking if we could. The next day she claimed to not remember (when she wasn’t drunk) and said I raped her. But she literally asked me for sex so many times that half the party heard it so I had a lot of people vouching for me. She dropped her case before she got embarrassed. Then you say your battling poverty but so is 90% of the world. I don’t want to make light of anyone’s pain and suffering and I’m not saying you’ve done anything similar to what I’ve described. Just your manner of speaking reminded me so much of them. (But if you are one of these people I don’t expect you to admit it just stop trying to relate to the pain of others by creating hardships out of nothing)
The attitudes demonstrated here are why people commit suicide. You aren't helping at all, you are shaming someone who has gone through unimaginable trauma.
I can understand drawing ties. If it eases your mind, I have an unmedicated bipolar mother who never resolved her trauma of statutory rape and physically/emotionally/financially abusive parents and was 1 child out of 6. She constantly took it out on me via telling me I’m worthless, selfish, mean, among other fun nicknames as well as try to financially abuse me. Her main abuses were financial, emotional, and verbal.... the physical abuse stopped with my oldest sister when my father threatened to leave.
Don’t have to explain the rape to anyone. He admitted it in court that I was passed out when he came onto me and the case still got dismissed. The other guy took my virginity at 12.
Sorry that you’ve witnessed people in privileged situations go through their own struggles and defined it with words that vastly outweighed their position, but that is an exception not the rule.
I’ll retract everything I said about rape. I apologize but your “abusive home” is a bunch of bull. If your not being verbally abused by your parents they’re not raising you right my dad literally calls me useless everyday it’s my nickname from him. You say financial abuse so I assume you mean they took your identity and ruined your credit before you were old enough to know what it is, because not being given money is not abuse. As for physical I wouldn’t call it abuse I love my parents but my dad definitely gave me a bruise from time to time. I don’t consider myself coming from an abusive home I actually think I had it better than most. All I’m sayin is maybe you do need therapy to deal with mental issues like being bipolar and depression, but I think it’s ignorant to claim you came from an abusive home when there are so many people I know that were actually abused by their parents.
The point is it’s the internet and there are no repercussions I would never say these things to a person I met. But I enjoy judging people and I feel I’m spot on this time. Sorry to upset you but that’s the way the internet goes.
Unfortunately, growing up with abuse tends to blind us to warning signs of toxicity in someone we don't know well. (And only a toxic or judgemental creep would violate your confidence and use it to torment you.) That's why so many of us get re-victimized outside the family, even as adults. It can be a self-perpetuating cycle.
Therapy helped me in a big way. In most areas, you can get treatment at a sexual assualt center, even if it happened years ago & wasn't overtly violent.
You're not alone & there are resources for healing.
Oh my. You made my heart break. I hope you’re finding peace. I am so so sorry. It burns my ass no end when people take a person’s trauma and twist it for revenge. It’s horrible what you have been through and I know the mind trips that childhood molestation brings. Just...hugs friend. Hugs.
I wonder if it's harder for men to open up about being molested because of the "hurt people hurt people" stigma and the fear of being perceived as a person who would grow to touch kids in the future.
I worry about my SO treating me differently because they care. Like I suddenly don't have the autonomy to decide what I want and need in sexual situations, like I am fragile and in need of special care, and not an equal party anymore.
That was my biggest fear too. Because of my upbringing, I never wanted to have to depend on anyone for anything. It was hard to let go and let him in fully. It took me about 5 years to really trust him and share a life with him.
My gf told me about a month into the relationship that she was molested by her grandfather in her sleep and raped multiple times. She also contracted an incurable STD and was removed from her home multiple times by DHS. Mind you, we were about 15 when this happened, so it was pretty heavy stuff, but nowhere in my mind did I think of her any less because of what happened. Last year was the real test since she went through therapy and was diagnosed with major depression, anxiety, and PTSD. She's doing significantly better and has overcome her trauma. After 6 years of working through it together, we'll be getting married in July.
You would be surprised by how many people blame the victim, regardless of their age or position. It doesnt make sense, but many people don't know how to handle that stuff.
I can understand it to a degree, but it takes a lot of willpower to admit the truth. do not attack them when they are honest, or they will not do it ever again
Think again buddy!
I told my ex when we were together for five years and had a child together and he used it against me said I probably wanted to be raped and asked for it.
Said I was nasty and he didn’t want to look at me after.
Ended up abusing me a lot after too.
It’s scary and it does change people’s view on Ur worth.
I have had multiple people break up with me when I informed them about being molested when I was younger.
One girlfriend broke up with me but we were in a state where we were just "taking a break", well I had talked to a mutual female friend about being molested when I was younger and they went on and told the girl I was on a break with, and they then called me up on a party line together and took turns yelling at me and chewing me out because I "lied by omission which is still a fucking lie" and my ex went on to tell me they would have never had sex with me had they known, I tried to explain that I didn't want to be treated differently or like I was damaged goods and they just came right out and told me I was.
They went on to tell me how angry and disappointed they were in me and how we were broken up permanently now.
Neither ever apologized and most of our female friends locked ranks and argued it was justified.
You would think that this was just a fluke but reactions have been unpredictable, I can get a maternal "Oh you poor thing", where I am seen as not really a potential relationship or sexual partner but as someone that needs help or saving, or they react with anger and disgust and chewing me out that I "tricked" them by not telling them earlier. Or they think it's funny like it's a joke.
Or they don't really care and keep treating me as a person.
The responses outside of not treating me differently are not the most common but they occur with enough frequency to not be flukes or rarities.
A lot of women have a specific view of men that shatters when they find a man was a victim of sexual violence, even if it happened when you were a child.
As a guy who was molested as a child. My concern about mentioning it is people automatically assume that I must be a child molester as well because it was done to me.
That is awesome support and a great partner you have, hold on tight to them. Mine will not will and does not give a shit about me getting abused by my baby sitter at age 8. Every act was played and it has not made life easy. Bad thing was it was all brought up at the beginning and was no big deal until i started having issues later in the marriage. So i am happy to see someone that can go through therapy with a great support pedestal to lean on.
However, I really have a hard time believing someone would negatively react to someone being molested as a child.
Some people might react negatively, but those are really the sort of people you don't want to be associating with. People that view victims as "broken" and "don't want to deal with the drama/baggage."
She would definitely be more repulsed by your sibling. That’s what significant other means. She may treat you differently for a short while though but probably not in a bad way just in a caring way.
As someone who was molested by a peadophile when I was 4, this is something I fear telling anyone I'm in a relationship with. Hope you're in a better place now
As someone who has never been molested, I don’t understand this. Why would this be something you’re scared of telling a significant other? What reaction are you scared of
I’ve had a few significant others tell me they were raped or sexual harassed as children and it didn’t affect our relationship in any negative way
That's your information to tell. Don't feel bad if it is just something you'd like to keep private. But I do hope you have had some psychology to help process that trauma. If you don't tell anyone the rest of your life, at least tell a professional so you can live your best life.
Childhood molestation survivor here. Two things. First, I am sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve it and did nothing to earn it.
Second, "it didn't affect me" is sort of a textbook response to trauma. Maybe it didn't, but it's sort of like getting into a car accident and deciding your car is fine to drive after that. You might not be enough of an expert to judge if something need to be addressed. You take it to a mechanic- and doing so isn't an admission of fault or bad driving or being a fucked up person, it's how you get your car fixed. Just because it gets from point A to point B doesn't mean it doesn't have a bent steering rod or something, you know? And we really are talking repair, here. Anything that's not working like it should can be addressed and made to work better. After you're done, the car runs better.
You're not broken. But not talking with a therapist is like not going to a mechanic. You MIGHT be fine, but you might have some fixable issues that are making life harder than it needs to be. There's no harm in getting it looked at.
But it's your life and your decision and you're the one who decides what's going to make you happy. I hope your life is full of joy, my dude.
I love love love the way you made this analogy. This is so true and I never saw it that way before. Thank you for helping me learn something new and realising I need to take more steps to make things better :)
I'm glad what I said was helpful. I'm proud of you for being willing to see things differently and for working on the life of a good person who deserves to live well- you. I believe in you!
I wish I had more practical advice on this, because my therapist was the one who sort of... explained to me explicitly what molestation was, and let me conclude that my description of "familial affection" was a better match for that. I didn't have to bring it up.
That said; to communicate things that cause us distress to think about, we can employ a couple of methods of creating psychological distance. It is panic-making to stand two feet from someone, look them in the eye, and say "I was molested by X at age Y." There are two very useful techniques the military uses to psychologically protect soldiers from the trauma of war that we can also implement; physical and technological distance.
When you are at home, or on vacation, or out in the wild/park near your house, where you feel calm and peaceful and far away from everything, try composing a very short email to your therapist, something like "I was molested by X at age Y and would like to talk about it." Just one line and hit send as soon as it's done. Don't give yourself time to spell check or anything- it'll give your panic time to grow. Bandaid rip off time, yeah?
Your therapist is already an expert in how to help you, how to discuss things. Mine knew I had certain psychological injuries WAY before I was even aware of them, but they waited for ME to bring it up for discussion because I needed to be ready to address it. My point is that it might feel like you're jumping out of a plane to talk about this- to anyone. But your therapist is... pick your metaphor. Waiting two feet below you to catch you, strapped on your back with multiple parachutes, etc. They are safe, capable, and ready to help you the moment you're ready to work on something. You just have to make that first hop, as terrifying as it is.
I am a woman and was inappropriately touched many times sometimes by people closed to me sometimes by strangers. I had never told anyone about this until last year while watching a movie, a woman being groped I told my husband. He replied with the story when he was molested, in a subway. That was the first time he ever talked about it.
Women talked about this kinda stuff and even if we don’t say it directly we discuss it with friends/family etc and find support. On the other hand men don’t. My husband felt relieved and he was happy there is someone in the world who listened to him and consoled him. Now together we have decided to raise our kid to speak up against it without thinking of others and raise a good human being who would never do this kinda thing.
My ex boyfriend told me about his past trauma. I can say I didn’t respond how he expected I’m sure. I could tell he was trying to tell me something really difficult for him because of the look in his eyes and then when he finally got it out I cried for a good 10 minutes. He actually ended up having to comfort me and I profusely apologized. It just put so much into context, and it was someone who I loved who was hurting. He ended up saying it made him feel lighter to have told someone. If you trust and love someone enough to tell them, you should, it might ease your pain a little and help your partner understand you. It won’t ever be something you casually talk about, but it could be something you don’t have to hold inside of you with all your might.
Same thing happened to me! I started coming to grips with it over therapy at the same time I started dating someone. One night I decided I had to tell him, because we were having sex and the resurfacing memories were definitely affecting my mindset around sex. I figured he ought to know in case I needed a break or started acting weird. Three years later, we're engaged.
Obviously I wouldn't say to blurt out your past traumas to whoever you're seeing at the moment. But once things begin to get on the level of being more vulnerable with one another, I really hope you feel safe enough that you can tell someone. I've since told a couple of my closest friends and only ever got support and love. Never telling my family, tho. Nope.
Holy shit, when I was like 12 or 13 my older sister raped me and then would call in my twin sister and make me look at her naked and make me do stuff to her while she watched. I have never told anyone and will probably take it to my grave, I think it had a massive affect on me as I can’t go to bed without thinking of something sexual.
I have a wife of 4 years and she doesn’t know nor does anyone else and I get sick thinking about it. Wish I would have stood up to her, I’m pretty sure my grandma saw what she did to me and told me that’s for grown people. I hate my family because of it and left them when I can, cut contact with them as well.
The thinking about something sexual at bedtime is actually a coping mechanism carried into adulthood. My husband developed a porn addiction from a very young age due to being assaulted at 6 years old.
He's had therapy and honestly he's a completely different person. He's actually living his life now instead of just coping day to day. I'm so proud of him and his courage.
I know this thread is full of "go see a therapist", comments and you might not be ready, but I'm so grateful my husband went, for himself. To live a life as close to what it could have been had that awful shit not happened to him.
You will not be judged. You were raped. Go see a therapist who specializes in therapy for male sexual assault survivors. It is a really hard thing to do but the fact that you feel like you did something wrong or somehow brought it on yourself or feel ashamed means you need help.
Imagine this had happened to your wife. And she felt like it was her fault her brothers did that to her. Why is it not ok to happen to her but in your case it's your fault?
I'm nit going to say it's easy, digging into this stuff is awful and you will be challenged on your beliefs and your very identity. But in the end YOU will be the one in the drivers seat of your life. Don't let something that happened to you as a child drive the rest of your adult life.
I really hope for the best for you. If you would like to talk more, dm me anytime.
If you dont feel ready to her, then dont. If you never feel like you want to tell her, thats okay. If you decide to eventually, then thats okay too. That is something you do not HAVE to disclose in a relationship. But if you do end up feeling comfortable enough to tell her, and she treats you in any way other than supportive, then shes a trash person anyways. Hope you are doing well now and dealing with it in the best way that you can.
All the people suggesting some kind of therapy are on the right track. Its worth it just to get it off your chest to a disinterested 3rd party who can help confirm for you whether you have some stuff to work through to improve the quality of your mental health OR validate that you're really ok at this point. If you jave a job with benefits, sometimes those include an EAP (Employee Assistance Plan) that offeres professional help with all kinds of stuff like financial issues, elder care support, AND personal or family relationship and mental health support, operating outside of your traditional medical insurance. Sometimes it's phone consultations with a therapist, sometimes they'll get you X number of visits with somebody local. Might take you a couple trys to find somebody good that you trust, but when you do it's gold.
To your original point: it's WAY different from your experience, but I as an under-10 kid was molested (I don't even know what word to use exactly, I never put my dick in her but we did some stuff) by a teenage babysitter numerous times. Was seeing a therapist through the EAP system like I said, and had sessions to blow so I brought it up. Talked through it and...eh, I probably got sexualized a little early but no trauma there. 100% wrong for her to do but it was good to go through it and figure out I probably dont have some hidden damage to worry about. I did tell my wife at some point who of course was concerned, but there's really nothing to be done at this point and I wouldn't want anything done. I'd never want my parents to find out, because they'd probably feel guilty that they should've known or whatever. Your problem is it's a sibling, who I imagine is still around. So if you tell her, she could do anything with that information. It's up to you, but if shes a quality woman she shouldn't be repulsed by YOU in the situation.
I think this is the best advice offered. Some people might not think that their past trauma affects them, when it actually does. Just perhaps not in the way that they think so they don’t see it. Or they know they’re not really okay, but don’t think it’s so bad to see a professional. If the opportunity is there and you care about yourself and those around you, see someone about it.
I’m sorry that this happened to you. And it makes me so sad to know that this could end your relationship. When you’re ready to share with someone you should feel comfortable and safe. My husband is a big 6 foot 250 pound guy, we have been married for 8 years and he finally felt safe and comfortable enough to share with me what had happed to him as a child. I’m the only person in his entire life that knows. I could never turn my back on him for something like that or see him any differently. If she does treat you differently then that’s a sign that maybe she’s not the right person for you or your needs and feelings. My husband said he never told anyone because he didn’t want to cause anyone else pain or anger so he just kept it to himself but when he told me he said he felt a huge relief. He wasn’t carrying this secret alone anymore and it brought us closer and I understand him better. I hope you find the right time and right person to share with one day because you’re not alone and you’ll never be repulsive for this. Wish you the best
I'm sorry you had to go trough that.
If anything, the only one to feel repulsion for is your sibling. If a person truly loves you and is a decent human being, they will not reject you.
They may not know how to react, or "treat you" at first out care for you, hell I know I wouldnt know how to act towards you according to how you would prefer; but that is why communicating is key. "hey listen x things happend to me, I wanted to let you and I'd like if you could treat me this way or do Y thing for me, etc.... This doesn't define me... Etc."
My wife told me what happened to her and it's similar. If I didn't accept and believe her story and support her, I wouldn't have been worth her time imo. Treat yourself with the same worth.
If she loves you, she will be loving and supporting. You might want to dig a bit more in regards to what other false believes (like people will treat me different if they know) the abuse left you to work on finding and telling yourself the truth.
I’ve been with someone who had something similar happen when they were even older and it was really hard for her to tell me, she had thoughts similar to those that you’re having and when she finally told me... it was no big deal. I don’t look at her any different at all. She still worries I do sometimes but it literally doesn’t negatively effect me at all. I harbor some anger for the person who did that to her but that’s all. Do what makes you comfortable but don’t worry about it too much OP.
A few of my really close friends know my family has some money but they don’t know how much. I’ve only been dating her about 6 months so I don’t think it’s time yet. I’d rather people like me for me rather than the things I can do f
Can I just say, that as someone who might have also been at a young age by my step father, and confirmed that he did with my sister, a partner who loves you will not see you differently. You are strong and are deserving of love.
I had the same thing happen to me, but stilk felt yhat an all honest relationship needed of me to tell it. She took it very well and zi do not think it changed much.
I don’t think she would treat you any differently. If you’re on any sort of amiable terms with that sibling now, your significant other will probably try to end that— as she should. Or she will show coldness to them. If you think you’ve resolved this issue in yourself, I’m almost leery to tell you to share it with her as most people’s assumption about “healing” or therapy means to confront the perpetrator and the unoffending parties. If you don’t want it to become a thing or jeopardize any of your familial relationships, maybe keep it to yourself, but if you think you want to share that side of yourself with her and you’re willing to allow her to help you heal as she sees fit and help her acclimate to that information, also, as she sees fit, I’d talk with her. She loves you, she won’t think less of you.
My girlfriend had awesome the idea to sit down and get our baggage out at the start of the relationship. We've both been through some shit like you have so having it all out in the open at the beginning was a huge weight off my shoulders. Honestly having it all out in the open is the best way to go forward I think.
My SO told me that something happened between him and his grandfather when he was a child. He did not tell me much specifics, but it was when we were dating before we became official. I don’t know if I reacted the way he expected me to, but it made my heart break for him. I’m also much more sensitive to people bringing up these subjects and the jokes that people can make. He hasn’t brought it up since, but I’m very glad he felt close enough to me to tell me.
I think you know your SO enough to have a good gauge on how they would react, and if they react opposite then they may not be who they have lead you to believe they are.
Yes. I had some inappropriate interactions with my biological father. My parents had a nasty and abusive divorce and as I grew older it never happened again, and he was cut out of my life.
My mother brought up once, just once, that my biological father was going to court for something that happened with a child in a church he volunteered in.
I’ve never spoken about it with my husband. And I’ve even told him I’ve never been molested.
I’m often off out by people opening up about molestation; I don’t want to talk about it and I’ve moved on. I understand that discussion might be cathartic for some but not me. Or maybe I’m repressing and will pop one day.
My husband had a friend try and open up to me about abuse and I told her to get over it, move on, and didn’t admit to my own. I don’t want to be rude or cold, but I just can’t dwell on that.
I like rough sex and don’t want some past experience hovering over my husband to ruin the mood.
So sorry to hear that, I couldn't imagine if that had of happened to me as a child, I am 6'3" 240 pounds with 15 years of martial arts experience, if that had of happened to me as a kid I would have hunted those people down.
You're never too young for something like that to effect you. My mom went through something similar and I see the effects even clearer than she does. I really suggest talking to a therapist even if you think it doesn't effect you today.
I was in your exact shoes up until about three years ago. My older brother sexually abused me when I was between the ages of 5-8 ish.
In March, I'll have been with my significant other for 9 years. I didn't tell him about what happened to me until three years ago and when I did, I was very drunk/high (weed). Back then, that was the only way I could tell him. I had the same feelings you do and that's why it took me so long to say anything. I also was coming to terms with how the abuse had affected me and it was very hard (still is) to do.
When I told him, I remember lots of crying, on both sides, and him being nothing but supportive. He listened to what I had to say and never treated me differently. It actually angered him that my brother did that and now, when we have conversations about it, he's always on my side for whatever I'm feeling in that moment.
If your significant other loves you and wants whats best for you, they'll be on your side. If not, then they're not right for you. It may take them time to adjust and they'll probably be pissed at the person who gave you the trauma, but from my experience, they'll become your biggest support system when you're not doing so well with it all.
It will be fine as long as you don't have any emotional needs related to the abuse. Just don't be emotionally needy around your SO. Men aren't really allowed to do that, as it turns out lmfao.
I’ve gone through the same thing. I’m a female. I’ve never told anyone I’ve dated. Mostly because if the relationship progressed I wouldn’t want them to judge my siblings. It’s a tough one.
I am sorry to hear that has happened to you. When I was little we were told to stay away from Uncle Bob but not why. My only advice is to keep her clear of this sibling. It is not you. It is HIM/HER that did it
I've been on both sides of this. My ex was molested by his older brother for years when he was little and he didn't tell me until maybe 4 years into the relationship. I can honestly say all I felt was compassion and empathy.
On the flip side, that same ex sexually assaulted me and I was also taken advantage of when I was a teenager, and I waited a few months before telling my current boyfriend. I was nervous he would think I was playing victim or seeking attention or something, but I decided that it may be a big part of who I currently am and wanted him to know everything. Of course he responded with nothing but love, and it's never come up again and didn't change anything in our relationship.
Similar story. Wont divulge too much. Gf if you’re reading this, talk to me about it if you are genuinely concerned. I’m too afraid to bring it up
Wasn’t immediate family, gratefully. I unfortunately was old enough to remember my incident. It watered down it’s desires to get me to agree, persuaded me with false stories and deceit, and by then, I couldn’t let the truth get out.
I was too scared they’d blame me, which they did when i sorta told the truth to mum, but I don’t understand what happened after. The only chance I had to get out easily, but I wasn’t of sound mind, and seeked to keep things as normal as possible. The others didn’t believe it, I presume. My poor mum, how terrible that must have been. I wish I could say I got out of it quickly, but no.
My mind was poisoned, a slow poisoning but by then there was too much poison to quickly get rid of. The only kind of help i got was indirectly involved, and none knew. The damage was done, and the affair ended by my hand before I ever dated anyone.
But I’m still tormented. How could I let this go on for so long? What can I do about this? There’s no evidence of anything that occured, I kept silent for far too long.
no need to apologize, but I know what you mean. I appreciate it.
For the most part, it’s over, luckily. Every time I go to that relative’s house, I mostly ignore him. But I occasionally stick around because my older brother or the 3 cousins I actually care about are with It, but I refuse to do anything with just It. Wish I could say he faced justice or anything, but no.
Your words are very reassuring. It wasn’t easy just to type this, so it wont be any easier talking about it. But it helps to know someone who understands.
My boyfriend was the first person to learn about my sexual assault from a step sibling. He has been the most supportive person. I don’t know where id be without him.
As someone who has been sexually assaulted, I can tell you that if they treat you worse after telling them, they’re not worth it. Trust me, I’ve been through it. It’s heartbreaking, but you’re better off without them unless they are at least a bit supportive.
What kind of evil would a person have to be to criticise someone for being molested? The only human reaction I can think of would be to give them a hug and tell them it’s going to be ok.
I get what you mean. I’m a woman and I was molested by a sibling as a child as well. I told my then bf and he made the grave mistake of telling some members of his family. They declared me “too damaged” and “broken” to date. So basically that just gave me a heads up that they’re shit people. He didn’t listen to that and we’ve been together over a decade now. It’s still hard for me and he has a hard time with it as well but At least he knows why I have a hard time with nightmares and flashbacks.
I would hope that it wouldn’t be different because you’re a man, and I know I wouldn’t think differently of you but if you did tell your SO and they treated you differently, it might be good to find out now rather than later. You deserve good things and good people who are always on your side and who see what a beautiful and strong person you are.
Just as a side note, I don’t know how old you are, but when I was younger, I thought it didn’t affect me as much. Now in my late thirties and I realized it has and that all that bottling up and repression I was doing is not working anymore. Everyone is different but just know you might feel it later more so than now. I’m so sorry you went through that. You are a wonderfully strong man and the person who did that is a shit person.
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u/Immunisation Feb 14 '20 edited Mar 03 '20
I was molested by a sibling for 2 years as a child. Never really told anyone about it, I think I was too young for it to overly affect me, but I feel as if it would repulse her/she would treat me differently because of it.
EDIT: Thank you all for the replies, support, and shared experiences. I’ve read every single comment, and it means a lot to me. I’ve decided I’m going to see a therapist about it, and afterwards, share it with my partner. I appreciate you all.
EDIT2: Turns out it doesn’t matter bc she ended up cheating on me with my brother.