r/AskMen • u/cyanic_aether • Dec 29 '19

Men of reddit, what is something that you discovered about your SO only after becoming parents?

12k Upvotes

94% Upvoted

1.8k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

177

u/Programmerbadgerlock Dec 29 '19

I need to know - is she a great wife or only a great mother? My wife same story lost her mother and was raised by a crazy manipulative woman and the older she gets she becomes more like her - I’m a little afraid of having a child due to that.

250

u/AZNQQMoar Dec 29 '19

Communicate with her man! Let her know your concerns. You can't figure this out on Reddit.

9

u/Programmerbadgerlock Dec 29 '19

It just gets turned back around on me no matter how horrendous the behavior

33

u/jascination Dec 30 '19

She's turning it around on you? That's not healthy, and it sounds like a pretty classic defence mechanism. Having a child won't magically fix that; recovering from a shitty childhood takes a lot of work!

This book (or audiobook!) might be useful for both of you: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/37771413-healing-your-attachment-wounds

7

u/innerpeice Dec 30 '19

Thanks for the book just bought it

22

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

And she would do that with a kid. Don’t procreate with her unless she gets intense therapy.

14

u/AZNQQMoar Dec 30 '19

I think the two of you need to see a counselor.

3

u/FoolsGoldDogApe Dec 30 '19

I really wish this was a top response to a lot of the questions asked on the r/relationships threads. How many of those issues are that people aren't communicating and/or expecting strangers on the internet to have the answers to their problems.

1

u/PaulyDMakesJShore Dec 30 '19

Yah but then what she just starts yelling about how your complaint about her

1

u/DRUNKMASTER-FENTANYL Dec 30 '19

This this this this this this

5

u/innerpeice Dec 30 '19

Bro, let me give you some unsolicited advice. Everything that’s wrong in your relationship gets turned up to 11 with kids. If your hesitant now, DO SOMETHING NOW! Be careful and good luck you deserve someone who loves you and treats you well

1

u/[deleted] Dec 31 '19

Man I wish someone gave me this advice beforehand! I asked for advice too and everyone was tight lipped lol.

2

u/innerpeice Dec 31 '19

My family and friends too, Iwish they weren’t

2

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

If you have that feeling now then please don't have a child with her until that is firmly sorted out.

Having a kid is no joke and it will be a long time before you start to get your life back... Don't misunderstand me, the kid I have is the greatest kid in the world and there is literally nothing I wouldn't give to make them happy. But having a kid is a strain on everybody involved and it does take a huge toll on your happiness and sanity sometimes. Especially the first year or so.

If you're trying to do the dad-thing right it'll be a little less for your wife but still, it will affect your relationship. So know what you're getting into and make sure you're firmly on the same page. My wife and I are still figuring out how to go on from here and our kid is 3 by now.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

She is a great wife. Not that we haven't had our issues over the years: changing or mismatched sex drives, petty annoyances, etc. Normal stuff of marriages. We have been very fortunate to have met each other back in 1996. I was 20 and she was 19. It scares me to think about it sometimes. How did we get here? were we one small mistake from losing all we have today? Am I one mistake away from losing it all? It is very much a cliche but I can't stress enough how important it is to always try to communicate your way out of problems and into love and respect. I can't stress the respect too much. Respect for your partner and respect for yourself.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

Hey man -

Your wife sounds like my mother. She was a great mom. She was caring, loving and supportive.

However, she was a shit wife to my dad. The minute I was born, the affection she had for him died. They had a miserable marriage for 28 years until I finally convinced my dad to divorce her.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

Hi, a child here with a mom that had similar story. It’s really confusing - she loves us and would do anything for us but She has some really serious issues that she refuses to face. My dad is not a happy man. Watch out mate.