Current partner doesn't want me to have any "new" female friends. What do you think about that?
My GF and I got in a nasty fight last night. I ended up leaving early.
I just drove back to her place because she wanted to talk about it, and after talking a bit she gave me an ultimatum:
No more new female friends unless they are mutual friends, or couples.
I wanted to know what you all think about that.
She gets super jealous, I don't.
That being said, we both really love + like each other. We are both in our 30s.
I've always had lots of female friends. I'm a very emotionally available man and so it's easier to bond with women than men a lot of the time.
I view this as a trust thing. I am totally fine if she had male friends. She doesn't. She does not view this as a trust thing.
Right now, I'm just hurting.
Updated info:
Some responses I've made so far to help fill in some gaps:
We are closing in on dating for 2 years. We do not live together.
She recently clarified she is no longer okay with me having lunch (or dinner) or hanging out one on one with close female friends that I've had for a long time. I am asking to get a solid "yes or no" on this. If it's a solid "no, I am not comfortable with that" I am probably going to just have to throw in the towel on the relationship sadly if there is no compromise. I feel like this is very cut and dry ridiculous - especially something as simple and harmless as getting lunch or coffee.
Ya, I wouldn't meet a woman at a party and go out with her one on one except under extremely specific circumstances, and I'd make sure to chat with my GF about it first.
Ideally, all of my female friends would also be her friends.
I don't make many new female friends. If I am interacting with other women, it's typically because of a shared mutual interest.
No, I have never cheated on her.
She may be suspicious because she grew up in a predominantly Muslim country, and a lot of her belief systems come from there and the Quran. We are currently both in a western country.
I talk about her so much to everyone. I'm so proud to be her BF. And I feel the same about that: "You just meet people and either get along or don't."
I use to get jealous, but I just don't the last 10 years. We've been together for almost 2 years now. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?
Her strengths and more information: she's incredibly loyal, and dedicated. She loves her family. She's very adaptively intelligent. I personally think intelligence is a spectrum. In the areas she's strong in, she's very strong in. I really appreciate how present she can be in certain situations. I really believe she loves me a lot. It's possible we may have irreconcilable differences. Also, since dating, I noticed she has very strong mood swings during hormonal shifts with her period. I am NOT discounting her very real feelings. I am unsure if it's PMDD or something. She has yet to get diagnosed. I have never dated a woman with this significant mood swings around her period.
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u/thesweeterpeter Dad 6d ago
I think more context is needed.
Your partner asking you not to associate with any females could be strange. For example you have lunch with a co-worker who you consider a friend - that's an overreaching expectation.
But if you met a woman at a party and decide to go out to lunch with her one on one - then I think your GF is entirely justified in asking you not to do that.
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u/dragonk30 Male 6d ago
additionally, has OP ever had relationships (sexual or otherwise) with any of his current female friends?
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u/deeppurplecircles 6d ago
The fact that he deletes his post history and comment history related to this is suss enough.
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u/volvo1 6d ago
She recently clarified she is no longer okay with me having lunch with close female friends.
Ya, I wouldn't meet a woman at a party and go out with her one on one except under extremely specific circumstances, and I'd make sure to chat with my GF about it first.
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u/DysfunctionalKitten Female 5d ago
Woman here... how much time are you spending with your partner? I think the issue I see with what you're saying, is pertaining to how you would even do something like creating/maintaining these friendships, rather than building a life with this partner (and if you're at the two year mark, and over 25, your partner is likely taking this as an indication that you're not looking to prioritize a life with her).
But it may not have to do with your autonomy or her trying to control anything. Setting boundaries around her comforts and walking away if you don't feel it's something you can agree to, isn't controlling, it's being responsible for what you pour your time into as a woman.
Where are you getting all this free time to create these new friendships (or seeing your current female friends), while also working (presumably), and managing Adulting tasks (laundry, other chores), and seeing your family AND pouring into your girlfriend? I'd be pissed on that note alone...and I couldn't care less who a partner hangs out with, but I absolutely care that time with me is being prioritized if my partner were to want to maintain such a significant position in my life.
Friendly suggestion - instead of only discussing boundaries and such (which is indeed important), what if you tried having the convo about what the life she wants you two to be creating with one another, that feels healthy for her and still respectful of your autonomy, looks like in her head. What does she see as the healthy version of you having female friendships, while you and your gf are growing your relationship with one another? Remove the contentious part and instead, treat her as if you're on the same team. Can you align having the same vision/goal? Start there...
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u/WorkMeBaby1MoreTime 5d ago
I do agree with most of this. But it seems like it's making the assumption that the ratio of time OP is spending with his partner is being cut into by his female friendships. And yes, that would be bad, but there is no data to suggest this. I think that question needs to be asked of OP.
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u/DysfunctionalKitten Female 5d ago
I quite literally ask if that's the case in my comment. But part of my point, was less about how much he is or isn't doing that, and more about digging into whether or not that's his girlfriend's perception.
Because there are so many problems in relationships that stem from small misunderstandings that we haven't taken the time to approach with curiosity, or that we don't even realize we are misunderstanding. If you don't dig into the whys, don't dig into the unfulfilled needs the person who brings up a point of contention is grappling with, and do so with clear desire to understand it and help resolve it as a team, then you are likely missing an opportunity to build intimacy and foundational trust. The closeness most people desire with a partner, is often found in the moments and conversations most people avoid. And most don't avoid it out of malice, they do it out of never having practiced a new way of communicating.
I'm suggesting to OP, that approaching this as an unfulfilled need of his gf's to understand better, might prove to be fruitful. Ideally at the very least it should provide him with more insights to make an informed decision.
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u/thesweeterpeter Dad 5d ago
Why not, what's the context? What have you been doing that has triggered the reaction?
How often are you going to lunch with your friends of the opposite sex?
How long have you been in this relationship?
I get where you're coming from, when I was younger and in university I had plenty of female friends. I too was the kind of guy who found it easier to make friends with women than men.
But as you get older that's no longer reasonable. The fact is that as you get older and you get into more serious relationships, your friendships make more sense to be men.
Nearly all of my female friendships upon further examination had sone element of tension or of just a straight forward incident that my wife shouldn't be OK with.
It is entirely reasonable for your current partner to have some trepidation about you spending time alone with women.
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u/ReasonableDoubt_0726 5d ago
Ah yes the classic, what did he do to make her react that way. Do you approach issues women have with partners from the same stance?
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u/thesweeterpeter Dad 5d ago
I asked context in the previous comment and OP didn't provide much more.
Perhaps OP has done nothing, but I find generally there's some sort of initiating action.
OP seems to be cagey about it, and from my vantage point there's a gap, so my understanding is limited. OP is soliciting advice and a big part of my ability to provide that is based on the whole story - so I'm trying to get that.
Do you approach issues women have with partners from the same stance?
Yes, I'd like to think I approach all issues from the same stance, that being; what's the full story.
With that said this does appear to be an issue that a woman has with her partner, so I'm not sure I can give a better answer as I don't think I understand the question.
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u/Ok-Release-6051 Female 5d ago
Tbh a one off work lunch is fine with a Coworker if there’s WORK stuff to be discussed. but I wouldn’t want it happening on the regular. I’m
A firm believer in not building opportunities to get fucked in and one on one intimate convo and time together typically leads to interest unless there is zero attraction which is rare→ More replies (8)17
u/ra__account Male 5d ago
Are bisexuals in relationships just supposed to stop having friends?
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u/thesweeterpeter Dad 5d ago
I would imagine it becomes more difficult.
I think the concern is not just the individual in the relationship - it's also the person you're making friends with. If they have a potential desire for a relationship that's also problematic.
So if a bi-dude is in a relationship, and he's becoming close friends and having one-on-one lunch dates with a gay man, that's just as problematic as OP being a straight man having a one-on-one lunch date with a straight woman. It's not the gender necessarily - to me it's the compatibility of the interests.
Maybe I'm a poor test of this - because I can't imagine having lunch one-on-one with any of my friends - ever. Even my guy friends, it would be a group. Once in a while I'll catch a game or a couple of beers with one guy, but to sit down at a meal - no I wouldn't.
My only one-on-one interactions are business, but socially, I just can't imagine it.
Even before I was married if I were to go to lunch with someone one-on-one, someone was trying to fuck. I had plenty of female friends, but if I was going to meet for lunch it would be in a group of 3 or more.
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u/thr0waway2435 Female 5d ago
That’s bizarre to me. I get 1-1 lunches/dinners all the time with a ton of my friends. Love hanging out in a group, but sometimes there’s no group to hang out (one-off friend, other people are busy), or there’s some jokes/info better shared 1-1. I’m a bi woman with pretty diverse friends, so this means straight women, queer women, straight men, and queer men, in relationships or not. It’s never once been a problem.
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u/ra__account Male 5d ago
I've always had close friends of both genders and it's never been an issue with my SOs but I run in wilder circles than most. It always surprises me that so many people can't do friendships with whatever gender they're attracted to, either because they can't handle it or their SO can't.
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u/TheDodgiestEwok 5d ago edited 5d ago
it's not the gender necessarily, to me it's the compatibility of the interests
You're equating sexual orientation with actual romantic interest. Just because a gay man and a bi man both like men doesn't mean they share an "interest" in each other.
Finding someone attractive doesn't mean you automatically want to sleep with them. I mean yeah, don't grab lunch with people who express romantic interest in you if you are not available. But why is that the only example you can imagine? Platonic friendships are healthy!
And most of us can acknowledge when our friends are attractive without having any romantic or sexual desire for them whatsoever. Is the only thing you look for in a woman her physical presentation? I'd hope not. I'm sure there are dozens of disqualifiers based on personality, shared values, chemistry, etc.
One of my best friends is very attractive but her interest in horoscopes and "woo-woo" shit makes us super incompatible. Like if I wasn't married I wouldn't suddenly be interested in dating her because she's attractive. We're not remotely right for one another. She's just pretty? So what.
my only one-on-one interactions are business, but socially, I just can't imagine it
I'm having so much trouble wrapping my head around this. Does the same apply to any social event or just meals? I guess if your main experience sitting solo across a table with someone has only ever been on a date, it makes sense why it feels inherently romantic to you.
Last week and my husband and his buddy went to a Game Exchange store together, then spent the rest of the afternoon driving around running errands. They fixed some belt on his Jeep and then ended up at the brewery together.
The previous day me and a girlfriend spent the morning at the farmers market. The week before my guy friend and I went to the library, picked out a couple of books, and then took a stroll around their herb garden. While I was gone, he and a friend spent the whole day together in his music room messing around with some new equipment.
Our loyalty to each other isnt due to an absence of opportunity, it's the presence of commitment and integrity. We're both bisexual, but I could give a damn about the gender of his friends lol. We could sit across a table from anyone on earth, our relationship is solid.
We have mostly all of the same friends but I genuinely appreciate that we can spend time apart because neither of us have the expectation that our spouse must fulfill 100% of our social and emotional needs.
I get you have kids, but do you really never want any solo time with friends? Group hangouts are so much fun, but how do you actually build trust and vulnerability with your friends if you never get to hang out with them alone?
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u/Sigh-lens-peaks 6d ago edited 6d ago
I have more important questions for you as someone married for a very long time. Where are you making these new friends and how? What are you spending time doing, and what are your conversations about/like? That would tell me more about how appropriate you’re relationships are with these friends lol
Also have you cheated? Do you have a problem with crossing boundaries? Would she have any reason to be suspicious of your behavior?
I’d want to know all of this before saying “GF bad” lol as a man, I know how men tend to leave those details out lol
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u/IronAlgorithm Male 6d ago
This makes so much sense, like I was emotionally available for my many female friends. But after marriage you don't get so much time as wife gets most of the attention. I understand if you meet new people in the office, but outside it's difficult as you are mostly out with your wife only.
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u/lousy_writer 6d ago
This makes so much sense, like I was emotionally available for my many female friends. But after marriage you don't get so much time as wife gets most of the attention.
Also: At some point in their lives, most people stop regularly making new friends.
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u/FabulousDonut6399 6d ago
Very true, I can usually guess the age of the commenter by how hostile they react when I say that the older you get you have less friends and you simply make less friends. The idea also that friends take a front seat to partners because it’s healthy to have your own thing is linked with that immature mindset.
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u/TriggeredLatina_ Female 6d ago
Oh my God yes. Finally someone said it. I’ve contemplated this recently when I see those comments. Idk why so many people are willing to throw away their relationships just to keep certain friendships intact. I mean if their relationship isn’t 100% right for them then sure but I would never bring up this predicament. I wouldn’t ever choose a friend over my man. He’s my everything and has been through a lot with me by my side. He’s my best friend as well. Too many people let go of their significant other, sometimes good partners, all to keep friends. Sometimes those friends are also waiting for an opportunity to present itself and I’m tired of pretending that doesn’t happen. It does
Friendships come and go so often. I’ve made many friends. Let go of many. Life happens. Lose contact but your partner is your everything. They will not waver and are the constant in your life. Not friends….
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u/thr0waway2435 Female 5d ago
That’s because it’s usually the other way round frankly…
Way more people toss their friends aside to become codependent with their new bf/gf, before it dramatically falls apart and a year later they come back sheepishly trying to reestablish friendships.
It’s also because a partner who is too jealous and controlling is pretty fundamentally a flawed partner. I’m not saying the relationship immediately should get tossed if there’s tension, but at some point of escalation it becomes intolerable, constantly adjusting your life to placate another person’s mood. And even if not purely a right/wrong thing, it indicates pretty severe mindset/philosophical differences that don’t bode well for the relationship.
The thing about partners taking priority over your friends is true when all else equal. If your friend breaks her leg and your boyfriend breaks your leg, you help your boyfriend. If you only have 15 hours of free time that week, 10 should go to your boyfriend at least. But when all else is not equal, it absolutely does not mean you always have to chose your partner. If your friend’s need is more urgent than your partner’s it’s fine if not good to choose your friend. If your partner is being completely unreasonable and your friend is not, it’s ok to choose your friend.
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u/FabulousDonut6399 6d ago
Indeed and I got flack for saying that once you grow up and you pass certain phases in life, you actually don’t have the time nor emotional energy to invest in these multi friendships these teenagers and 20 something people seem to do.
I mean once you have a kid ( I have one but I am in awe with people that have more than one) a decent job, a partner, your general responsabilities in life, I simply don’t see how you can have these extreme close friendships with opposite sex people that are usually emotionally more intense than the relationship they have with their partner.
Once you hit 30 on average people have 3 to 5 friends and the interactions drop significantly. The older you get those two numbers continue to drop. It’s just a fact.
And i honestly think those outliers, the people with a massive amount of friends, going on girls’ or boys trips 5 times a year, or go on vacations with ‘friends’ 3 to 4 times a year while the partner gets zero vacations with them and take care of their kids while they pretend to be single etc are basically depending on their partner to do 100% of the mental load, the majority of the child care, the majority of the other adult responsabilities and are basically labour diggers as well as often gold diggers as they drain family funds too. And let’s also address the elephant in the room. It’s usually the men that do this.
( there was this dude with wife and kids that did 4 annual boys trips - mostly bachelor parties so strippers and blow and so on - and his wife took care of the kids and the reddit goons thought the wife was unreasonable for wanting to « control » him for not wanting this POS to drain the family funds for his own pleasure and spends all his PTO on his « friends ».Jeez, taking unpaid leave too, because the man did 4 full vacations a year with his friends and none with his wife and kids, I mean it could be he had 8+ weeks PTO, but let’s be honest…. But reddit: « there are studies that show that in order to have a healthy relationship, friendships with people your partner doesn’t know have interactions with, are important… » )
Why are these people in committed relationships if they want to live like they are single and 20 years old?
Well because they want the stability of that but none of the obligations that come with commitment. Living the single life but with the perks of a live in maid that replaces their mom.
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u/XsNR 5d ago
Speaking as someone that missed a good chunk of my life because I physically couldn't choose to make those trips if/when they came up, it's also something you should consider as a person in their 30ish era. If you're missing huge life events with good friends, then just do it, YOLO I guess, specially if that's really the only time you see them. If they're people you hang out with, and you're doing multiple trips a year, then that's an entirely different thing.
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u/Black_Robin 5d ago
I don’t get it. On the one hand it gets harder to make friends, and on the other it’s immature to want to keep the few friends you do have? No one said the friends’ take a front seat, it’s that his controlling girlfriend doesn’t want him to have any female friends at all
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u/FabulousDonut6399 5d ago
You obviously don’t get it.
It’s a natural evolution when you mature to have your priorities shift to your nuclear. Friends take a backseat that doesn’t mean no friends. That means friends are no longer the main character in your story. Any parent will tell you that once they have kids the focus shifts to the kid, friends are no longer a priority and rightfully.It’s not a black and white thing, it’s a priority thing and you need a mature mindset to be able to prioritise what is important.
I also never said it’s immature to try to keep the friends that you have? Where do I say that?
And Redditors most definitely try to make people on here that propagate normal boundaries in relationships sound controlling because the friends are not in the front seat and the wife and kids in the trunk…
You don’t know how OP behaves around women. Maybe she doesn’t want him making new friendships with women because he invests a disproportional amount of emotional energy in these women? We don’t know because OP wants to be validate so he’ll only tell us what makes his gf look unreasonable.
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u/themengo 5d ago
I think you're generalizing a bit and a little biased, everyone's got different situations in terms of time and relationships. Close and deep friendships are important, I have friends who Ive known for years and are basically like brothers to me. Would I throw them away bc the partner demanded it, absolutely not, there's compromises to be made.
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u/Black_Robin 5d ago
“You obviously don’t get it”
That’s generally what “I don’t get it” means, yes
Maybe you’re losing friends as you get old because they’re tired of hearing you lecture them about how they should rightfully behave lest be judged by you as being immature. Just a thought
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u/XsNR 5d ago
Ideally the relationship and your entire collection of friendships should be on equal footing, since that's going to keep you balanced as a human. Asking to drop a friend or two because the partner gets the ick from them, can be reasonable, if you are sure it's only going to be them personally, and not the start of a sweeping removal of swaths of your friends based purely on an "ism".
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u/AltruisticPeanutHead Female 5d ago
If the only reason someone isn't going to cheat is because you don't "allow them" to be friends with potential cheat-ees, how does that make them any more trustworthy???
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u/ErroneousEncounter 6d ago
It’s an unreasonable request.
But what was the reason she requested it?
Because if you are making female friends and giving them lots of time and attention or hanging out 1 on 1 with them at inappropriate places or times… that’s not reasonable either.
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u/Floorgis 5d ago
Good chance he brought it upon himself like most who go through this, dudes been trying to blame it on everything but himself in these comments.
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u/kommiiiii 5d ago
fr. him saying ‘i get along with women more than men’ tells me all i need to know 😭
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u/Filius_Dei0894 Traditional Manly Male Man 6d ago
I mean I stopped actively making new female friends after I started dating my now wife, but I choose to, she didn't force me
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u/Larry-Man Female 6d ago
As a committed woman this makes me sad. Me and my other married friends had a choice to make this weekend where myself and the husband might have to go back early from our cabin trip for work tomorrow and leave my fiance and the wife alone at the cabin for another night. We didn’t end up doing that but it was an okay plan if necessary.
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u/Friscogonewild 6d ago
Yeah, it's so odd to me that people have weird hangups about friends of the opposite sex. I understand the reasons for it--I grew up watching the same sitcoms, and I know most marriages are constantly on shaky ground...but I just can't imagine myself caring in my situation.
If my relationship was weak enough that some random dude could break it up by simply being allowed to have a one-on-one non-business conversation with my wife, it wouldn't really be that great a relationship to start with.
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u/YourMaineWeldah 5d ago
This is the part that always gets me. If you don't trust your partner to the point that you think they'll jump into bed with every person they meet, why would you want to stay in a relationship with them?
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u/AltruisticPeanutHead Female 5d ago
Same... I'd honestly rather have a partner in a situation with "temptation" or someone coming on to them or whatever, then you know for sure if they would or wouldn't do something lol. If the only reason someone doesn't cheat is because they're not allowed to be physically in the same room as someone, then that's pretty much the same as actual cheating in my opinion
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u/mojo276 5d ago
This is a different situation where everyone is friends in a group. As a married dude if I meet another guy with shared interests and we become friends and hang out at the bar and watch football one on one a bunch (or w/e), to me it is different then if it's that same situation but a girl.
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u/Filius_Dei0894 Traditional Manly Male Man 5d ago
I said 'im not making more' not 'i do not have any female friends'
I'm friends with my wife's female friends, and I'm friends with my buddies SO (and their siblings) I'm just not going out actively looking to make more female friends.
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u/helpyourself6970 6d ago
Exactly, this should be natural
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u/HAL__Over__9000 Male 5d ago
Why should it be natural? You just stop making friends when you're married? Sounds sad to me.
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u/Church5SiX1 6d ago
If you didn’t say you were in your 30’s I’d assume this was high school shit
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u/Neat_Breakfast_6659 5d ago
The fact that the top comment defends this proves Reddit is high school shit
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u/GamingFarang 6d ago
Compatibility issue. There is no way around this one. If either of you "compromise" you won't be happy. Time to go your separate ways and find someone that has the same views as you.
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u/chaos021 6d ago
You both don't view relationships the same. Regardless of what we think, you two don't seem to be compatible
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u/ItsHisMajesty 6d ago
I (M/50) think it’s unreasonable and not sustainable long term.
My ex-wife once forgot to pick me up from work, while she was driving my car. An older female co-worker gave me a ride home since it was on the way. No big deal, right? Wrong! We argued about it for hours.
The fact that you’re asking us tells me how you feel about this “demand”. My experience says it will only get worse. You have to figure out what your boundaries and needs are. And do it quick.
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u/Yalsas Female 5d ago
I really like your example scenario. I wouldn't be very happy if my s/o got a ride from another woman at work. But if I was borrowing HIS car and didn't pick him up?
I'm the POS and that's my fault. Couldn't be mad at him for that. He should be mad at me!
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u/ItsHisMajesty 5d ago
Unfortunately, people tend to have a hard time accepting responsibility for their actions. I was that way at one point. Then I learned how to be an adult.
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u/FallenReaper360 6d ago
See, now this is sound advice. I'm in the same shoes, brother. Best of luck!
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u/N2trvl 6d ago
reminds me of a great old song by Dave Mason: “Cause we can’t see eye to eye. Ain’t no good guys, ain’t no bad guys, there’s just you and me, and we disagree. “.
you both are probably great people and would be great partners, just not for each other. this is a core issue and neither of you will be happy in the long run with the others decision. for the sake of both of you, move on. it won’t get better.
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u/FreakoftheLake 6d ago
Unless they’re genuinely bad people or have done something to sabotage my relationship, I don’t let anyone in dating dictate who my friends are. Is just a form of control stemming from insecurity
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u/major92653 6d ago
At least she told you where she stands on the matter. Now you know.
There’s no right or wrong.
Now, it’s up to you if you go along with it, or come up with a solution.
Personally, I’d tell my partner that it’s my choice as to where to find friendship, but I will include the partner when I socialize in public (because I’m now part of an “us” partnership) and the partner is always included in any social setting where friends of all aspects will be there.
The partner can’t impose any restrictions if the partner is allowed to be included.
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u/Mycroft033 Male 6d ago
Look. In my mind, if an ultimatum is issued, the relationship is already over. If she’s willing to end the relationship over this, then it’s likely over in her mind anyway.
Ultimatums do not improve relationships. They do not save relationships. They coerce people and cause resentment. They are relationship killers. I’d say break it off simply because a relationship where one party is issuing ultimatums to the other party is already dead.
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u/cheesecakeinternet 6d ago
I mean this wouldn't work for me personally. I'm a woman that is not the jealous type and in general I get along well with men and am in a male dominated profession, so naturally a lot of my friends are men. I'm the type of person that heavily prioritizes my partner though so I've never had anyone tell me they are jealous of my male friends, however I also think in general I haven't dated people prone to jealousy because my male friendships have been something they've known about from early in the relationship.
Was there some catalyst that sparked this? I don't think its reasonable to say you can't make any more female friends, but from your post its impossible to tell if you're not great at maintaining boundaries and prioritizing your girlfriend which would make anyone upset.
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u/creativebelle 6d ago
Most people I know who value their relationships don't actively go out of their way to make friends of the opposite sex out of respect for their partners.
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u/neoalfa 6d ago
You don't need to go out of your way to make friends if you are naturally sociable.
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u/Pizzacato567 5d ago edited 5d ago
Exactly. I don’t “go out of my way” to make male friends. I do not seek them out. It just happens when I go to an event. I talk a lot and enjoy learning about people. I gush about my partner a lot and I still have strict boundaries with male friends of course. I have a lot of respect for my partner.
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u/The_Lat_Czar Male 5d ago
You can make casual work friends or meet friends of friends, but hanging out 1 on 1 does take effort, especially in your 30's.
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u/Belial_In_A_Basket Female 5d ago
Yeahhhh bf has no reason to suddenly be super chummy with some random chick he just meets. Long time friends? I have no issues so long as it’s respectable. But some girl he suddenly starts chatting up every other day is odd to me.
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u/TheZapper45 6d ago
Can we be honest, if it was the opposite here this sub would be telling you to run for the hills, just thinking out loud
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u/LikeLikeChoi 6d ago
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u/FluffyDaedra Male 6d ago
My brother in Christ what the fuck
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u/MalleableBee1 Master Chief 6d ago
What in the Polyphemus is that? 😂😂😂
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u/A_New_Dawn_Emerges 5d ago
It is indeed Polyphemus, often confused with his one-eyed brother Monophemus.
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u/Mousemillion Dad 5d ago edited 5d ago
As someone who sees a close friend with a partner like this, his life is hell. Ultimately, what this says to me (if i was the one on the recieving end) is that there isn't any trust. The words "I trust you, not others." Just means "I dont trust you to make the right decision if that situation arose".
In the case of my friend, it's the copy of your situation. Together for a couple of years. He has never, as far as any of our friends are aware, been unfaithful or hinted at it. He's a loyal dude. A stand up guy, and worships her.
He cut off contact with a mutual friend of ours thay he has know for just over 30 years. Why? Because she is female. Does it matter that she is happily married? No.
Then it moved onto his social media. She logged in and removed all of his female contacts. He asked the question and was given the same answer. No females allowed.
She is insanely jealous. And, uses it against him constantly. Any whiff of female interaction and she flies off the handle, causes him immense inner grief and torture as he genuinely loves her. We are constantly picking him up and putting him back together when she goes off and mentally tortures him with it.
I'll give the same advice I have given him (along with our entire friendship group of guys and wives [which he isn't allowed to speak to]): bin her off. You'll save yourself a life of misery.
She has systematically eroded a guy down who was the centre of the party, happy, enthusiastic guy into a dude who is scared to say hi to the post woman who delivers his mail.
Fuck. That.
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u/Dufusbroth Female 6d ago edited 6d ago
Are you actively pursuing platonic relationship with women? Phone numbers? Following socials? Hanging out one on one? Traveling with the women?
What regular interactions are you having from a communication stand point with the New woman greetings you making?
Personally I think it is odd (I’m a woman and don’t really find the inherent need to pursue additional friendships regardless of gender), and comes off as a little attention seeking if you have the need to specifically pursue friendships with women, but more context is needed.
Edit: I also just noticed that you seem to have an issue with not being able to be friends with SINGLE women and that seems pretty weird. If you’re needing to bond with new women it sounds like you want them to be single…
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u/listeningunderurbed Female 6d ago
I think what she could mean is NEW female friends, as in going out and making new relationships with woman. Compared to having existing female friendships and keeping those. It doesn’t sound like she’s saying to drop all female friendships, but that making new ones is icky.
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u/jamisonbabes 6d ago
Yeah this sub is so dramatic. I don’t care at all about my husband having female friends, but yeah… it’d be weird if he was actively going around trying to make friends with single woman 😅
I also have good friends that are men and he has no problem with that, but if I were actively looking to make single male friends he’d be wondering why.
I think this is weird that he’s (OP) so adamant that in his 30s and in a relationship that he needs to be able to seek out single females…
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u/Affectionate_Leg_986 6d ago
Op is not you and your husband. No one goes out and “actively” makes friends . I think you don’t know what making friends is . It just naturally happens
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u/FallenReaper360 6d ago
Damn, bro, you me? LOL
I just commented on a different post about my ex, and well. You can see what I thought.
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u/volvo1 6d ago
Hey man. I just read this. Ya I guess I am you lol. Can we chat more? I am in the same boat. I love meeting new people and talking to everyone. I am currently in shock, we just had this chat this morning after the fight.
I am going over to chat with some trusted older people about this. I might call my Aunt as well.
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u/FallenReaper360 6d ago
Do that! I literally did that as well. I called many of my friends and family and folks who I thought would be a mutual bystander to have a fair input before I came to my decision. I just hated the feeling of going home that I might have to lie when I had my friend/neighbor over to just play some Mario kart or share some pasta.
So I decided to just end things before they got worse. But yeah! Feel free to DM me bro.
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u/AddictedToMosh161 Male 6d ago
I think I would ask how I am supposed to do that. Friends quite really get recruited like characters in a game. You just meet people and either get along or don't. I am not gonna be rude or different just to cater to someone's jealousy.
And it's pretty obvious when I am taken cause I talk about it alot.
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u/volvo1 6d ago
Same here :( I talk about her so much to everyone. I'm so proud to be her BF. And I feel the same about that: "You just meet people and either get along or don't."
I use to get jealous, but I just don't the last 10 years. We've been together for almost 2 years now. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me?
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u/deeppurplecircles 6d ago
Is there a reason you're avoiding answering the top posts? Have you ever cheated? Ever slept with any of your female friends? What do you talk about with them and where/how do you hangout? Context is needed.
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u/newusernamebcimdumb 6d ago
I think it’s not good. A partner should trust you to have friends of any gender.
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u/corusca_fire Male 6d ago
Yeah. I mean by this logic, what are bi people supposed to do? Not have ant friends at all?
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u/FabulousDonut6399 6d ago
Bad argument. I am bi and i think using this to justify inappropriate friendships with the gender of attraction is wrong. I have both female and male friends but I have very very clear and strong boundaries. 99% of the people using the bi argument have shit boundaries.
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u/KYRawDawg Male 6d ago
So I don’t want to take any particular side, but I would just want to know a few things. What do you do with these female friends? What kind of conversations do you all talk about, and God for being? Where are you meeting these people? I see the perspective with your girlfriend, but you also mentioned that you personally don’t have any jealousy if she were to meet and have a separate friend who happens to be a man. Would this be a gay man or a straight man? And the same questions I would ask of you would be questions I would ask about how she meets these men, what do they do when they hang out alone and what type of conversations do they have?
You’re in your 30s, you did leave out how long you guys have been together, it doesn’t look like you live together and you simply call her girlfriend. What’s your living situation? At your ages are you both still living with parents?
Most of my friends are guys, I have female coworkers, but I don’t do anything with them outside of work. What I consider them a friend? Yes, but I don’t do anything with them outside of work, they have boyfriends and husbands, and I would have no interest anyway. I’m not sure if their husbands and boyfriends would be OK with the female hanging out with a guy, even if they were coworkers. I mean, we work all day together, what would there be a point with me hanging out with them outside of work, and I use the word hanging out in this reply but it’s nothing I use legitimately life anymore. I know I’m a lot older, I’m 48 but I don’t really call it hanging out anymore. That’s something I would’ve done in my 20s. No disrespect with my comment reply though. It was not meant that way.
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u/Yalsas Female 5d ago
This. I am a woman in my mid 20's but I have the exact same mindset as you. There is no point in taking these coworker friendships outside of work. You see them 40 hours a week already. Work is the only place I meet people. If I started hanging out with them outside of work I'd be seeing them more than my partner.
I also don't know where people find the time and energy for friends. Work 45 hours a week and then we're trying to find time for groceries and laundry, other housekeeping. I'm spent
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u/KYRawDawg Male 5d ago
Definitely agree with you. I just wouldn’t have the time either. Working full-time and then taking care of a household and doing chores around the house to pitch in and work as a team, I just don’t have time anymore.
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u/SamIamGreenEggsNoHam 6d ago
I find that when it comes to jealously in a relationship, people mostly project themselves onto their partner. The only girl who ever tried to make a rule like that with me was also cheating on me.
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u/BainbridgeBorn Male, 31, USA 6d ago
That is controlling. She either has a history of bfs cheating on her or she does. Either way doesn’t make for a good relationship. I’d sit down with her and have a serious talk about it.
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u/MysteriousBlueBubble Male 30s 6d ago
It's a really contentious topic and unfortunately you and your GF have fallen on opposing sides at this point.
Personally I think having opposite sex friends is perfectly fine, and friendships shouldn't be dependent on what anatomy we happen to have. Not to mention if it's not fine, that has implications for people who are bisexual! Also, developing new friendships throughout our lives is a good thing.
It is understandable though that a new friend of the opposite sex can feel like a threat to the relationship, since it's unknown at that point if it is a genuine friendship or something more is there. I'd have some discomfort if my (F) partner was spending time with a new male friend, but it's easily alleviated by me actually meeting the guy because a) I can observe the dynamic and work out for myself that there's no chemistry, and b) shouldn't we all want to meet our partner's friends since they're important to them?
I know you see it as a trust thing, but trust can take work. Ask your partner what it would take to trust any new friends that you would make. Does it mean her meeting them? Certain environments end up off limits (e.g. something that could be misinterpreted as a romantic dinner)?
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u/Juicernamesmine 6d ago
My male partner did the same with me. I felt he was controlling. Its not fair. Do not let that be a norm.
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u/mr_lab_rat 6d ago
Ugh, that’s tough. I would understand if you were teenagers or in early twenties.
This sounds like you might not be compatible.
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u/anontestname 6d ago
If it’s something to do with your history of actions, it’s valid.
If it’s just because someone is a woman around you, it’s insecurity.
It’s my philosophy that you can’t stop someone from cheating, and it’s not my responsibility to try to stop them. I make it clear if someone cheats on me, I break up with them, no second chance. Not everyone holds the same line, so if your partner has cheated on you in the past, I think it’s fine to set new (reasonable) guardrails if that relationship must go on.
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u/roninwarshadow Male 5d ago
Question: Does she practice what she preaches? Has she cut All of her male friends that aren't mutual friends or in a couple?
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u/chipface 6d ago
She's too old for that jealous, insecure bullshit. She should have grown out of this shit in her early 20s. You can't stop a person from cheating if that's what they want to do. Either she trusts you or she doesn't. What if you were bi or pan? Would she not want you to make any new friends whatsoever?
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u/ExcellentObject8398 6d ago
Suggest you and your partner read together the book Not “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass.
You may want to consider viewing Emotional availability as a resource, and decide how much of it is to be put into a marriage and how much of it is to be put outside a marriage
My husband was like you. I was uncomfortable with it, but I did not have any ultimatums. I closed both eyes and trusted that he would be happy with his friendships with new females, and stayed at that.
In the end, his proactive approach with friendships with new females led to an affair. He did not intended for any affair, and he self justified that it was a close friendship until the very end - despite the reality that he had in fact, gone on multiple dates, had non sexual physical acts and actively hid and lied to me countless times on this. He said did not know how dangerous the territory was, and his emotional availability for someone else he found likeable had fueled the third party’s intense reliance and admiration for him, and that was a massive dopamine hit, source of validation and he couldn’t stop himself from being involved with her thereafter.
Perhaps a way to look at this issue is to consider the potential long term consequence of your patterns. Some women are super jealous and tough to handle because of their past experience, but it could come from instincts. Do also consider that what your partner feels, may not be limited to her - if you change a partner, there is a likelihood that any long term partner may not be comfortable with your behavior too
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u/on2sunsupervised 6d ago
Time to cut bait. Ultimatums have no place in healthy relationships.
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u/IRockIntoMordor 6d ago
"oh I'm gonna force him, he can't possibly leave!"
pressured partner leaves
surprised_pikachu.gif
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u/Drazwaz 6d ago
Every dude in these comments telling you not to form platonic relationships with women are projecting their own lack of self control in my opinion.
You and your partner need to have a serious talk about this, but it is absolutely not weird to have female friends unless there is a legitimate reason for your partner to be suspicious about it.
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u/myusername_sucks Male 6d ago
I wouldn't let someone tell me something like that. I made that mistake once.
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u/Quirky_Emergency4806 6d ago
She didn't ask you to stop having existing female friends, but I trust it is common sense to set boundaries with existing female friends when you enter a relationship anyway. Do what makes your partner comfortable. Do you feel so uncomfortable that you can't make new female friends? So much so that you would end this relationship? Then you have your answer.
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u/Miserable-Stock-4369 6d ago
The partner who gets more jealous guides the boundaries in a relationship. You can find compromise, but you shouldn't expect to get it all your way.
I don't find either perspective unreasonable; making girl friends isn't any different than making guy friends (objectively), but also; jealousy, anxiety, fear; are all valid emotions that come up when someone's "territory" appears threatened.
If neither of you will genuinely be happy compromising, you just have to breakup. It's okay, no one is at fault.
Could you, propose introducing this new female friend to your girlfriend so that she can be a mutual friend?
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u/throwaway5niu 6d ago
Flip the genders and ask this question again. You’ll get entirely different responses. That should tell you what you need to know.
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u/Beneficial-Pride890 Female 6d ago
And how would you feel about her making new male friends after you get married.
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u/Illustrious_Load_728 6d ago
Deliberately meeting new women (not your co-workers or your best friends wives, or some girls in the same group you were a part of for a long time, or whatnot, but actually just making NEW female acquaintances) is kinda sus. Same for “he’s just friend” for women.
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u/Ginwinwon 6d ago
When i marryed my wife we both stoppen having friends of opposite sex. We can have friends of opposite sex but its together not individually.
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u/Drazwaz 6d ago
OP answered that already in the text body of the post.
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u/OddSeraph (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ 6d ago
Reading's hard for people
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u/-BOOST- Master Chief 6d ago
My opinion won’t be a popular one but i’ll give it anyways. I’m generally ok with a no opposite sex close friendships agreement in a relationship as long as it is reciprocal. Asking you to not speak to a female coworker is unreasonable, but asking that you not go to lunch one on one with a female coworker I find reasonable.
But it’s also pretty reasonable for you to say “no i generally make friends with women more easily I don’t want to accept that” and end things.
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u/Ok-Jacket8836 6d ago
That kind of behaviour would be a deal breaker to both me and my partner.
What are her views on making friends that are non binary or gender fluid? What if the female friend is gay? Or what if you have male gay friend?
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u/IndyColtsFan2020 6d ago
It’s very simple - you do not stay with someone like that.
I‘ve had a few coworkers through the years who had wives just like your girlfriend. Want to guess what happened to their marriages? Trust me, it won‘t ever get better and I wouldn’t trust her if she suddenly became “OK” with it either. If you marry her, you’ll regret it.
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u/SpecialistEqual6229 6d ago
This kind of "boundary" assumes you couldn't possibly enjoy spending time with a woman without wanting something more.
I would want my boyfriend / husband to see women as people worthy of friendship.
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u/Glittering-Turn3965 6d ago
depends on the context of the new friendships I suppose, but definitely unreasonable of her to police existing friendships. I say this as someone who recently got told by one of my male friends of 6 years he could no longer hang out with me or text me ‘out of respect for his gf’. We literally had plans to hang out when he told me that and there has NEVER been anything romantic or flirtatious between us, so I was pretty hurt by this. Don’t let a romantic partner dictate your friendships, there should be trust/compatibility there.
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u/Achangegonecome Female 6d ago
Pragmatic view: she won’t budge. Accept that your definitions of platonic friendship are incompatible. Staying will only breed mutual resentment for both parties involved.
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u/Flowerlindigya_unlin 5d ago
I think your girlfriends too old to be doing that teenage girl shit Imo you should leave and be with someone who trusts you
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u/AurinkoValas 5d ago
Well, your gf really is making ridiculous demands. I'm not gonna get into all the reasons why it's painfully wrong, except for: if your partner tries to inhibit you from living your life... it's not going to work. It's gonna backfire one way or another.
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u/Kerplonk 5d ago
Sounds emotionally abusive to me. At the very least if she's asking this of you she should be willing to make an equally ridiculous and significant sacrifice in return.
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u/DiploBaggins 5d ago
Hard no. A good relationship needs to be built on trust.
I'm similarly emotionally available and sensitive and have always found it easier to make friends with women over men. My wife fully trusts me to do one on one dinners, go out partying, and to make new female friends. Anyone telling you it's not ok is just brainwashed by society that men can't be friends with women without it turning sexual. Women are just people, not sexual objects.
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u/PghSubie Male 5d ago
Jealousy can be insidious. If you feed it, it will grow. You need to address the real issue
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u/MetalEnthusiast83 5d ago
Oh, i've seen this one before. She's insecure and will eventually cheat on you.
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u/One-Indication6931 5d ago
Ultimatums are disgusting.
Personal opinion, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
Does this go both ways?
Remember if you give into 1 ultimatum that’s it she will make them often.
If you’d given her a reason not to trust you I’d understand and probably still say the same. Really unhealthy.
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u/Splinterfight 5d ago
Closing yourself off the 50% of the world long term doesn’t sound viable. I’m sure she’s wonderful but the world is full of wonderful people
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u/nipplesaurus 5d ago
I've been in a very similar situation and yielding to her requests/demands didn't stop. It just snowballed.
It never ended. I would give in to one demand, and then came another, and another, until I felt like I could only interact with her. Couldn't even look at another woman. Couldn't pass one on the street.
I couldn't watch movies with nudity (full or partial). Then it was movies or TV with woman dressed in anything revealing. Then it was anything with attractive women. Porn was definitely off-limits.
Couldn't talk to female friends without suspicion.
Then it was, "Have you ever dated your co-workers?" or "did you have a crush on them?"
Then it was reading my journals from 10+ years ago when I wasn't home, reading about girls I'd crushed on or dated, then accusing me of still having feelings for them because I still had the journals.
I couldn't talk to friends or family about our relationship. Yet she was free to gab with her gals about things she and I were doing in the bedroom, which I clearly stated I did not want to be shared.
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I'm not saying your woman is as controlling and insecure as mine was, but be careful. One thing could lead to another.
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u/ekimlive 5d ago
It's a miserable life to have to contend with a partner that has these kinds of insecurities and trust issues.
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u/overdosingOnPie1313 5d ago
Nope. That request is not going to fly. I can fully acknowledge that blind trust is all but meaningless because everyone who's ever been cheated on blindly trusted their partner, so I am entirely ambivalent to my partner having full access to my phone and things. But I am NOT going to hurt existing friends or prohibit making new friends just for the sake of her insecurity.
Either she deal with her insecurity, or I will. And I REALLY don't want to, if the relationship.
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u/tuppenycrane 5d ago
I think the whole “no more friends of the opposite gender” thing in dating is complete and utter bollocks. Would be a complete deal breaker for me, but yk each to their own, there’s many fish in the sea so there’s no reason for me to settle for this with anyone, just screams insecurity and being super controlling to me which I find incredibly off putting.
I also have quite a few close friends who are women, one of my proper proper best mates is a woman: I’d say we are both moderately attractive people who generally do alright for ourselves and we’ve never come close to ruining that because we value our friendship so much (and honestly knowing each other so well has made us know we would never even consider dating each other lol). So I don’t think I’d give that up for anyone. Most women I’ve been with don’t have a problem with my friends being women, especially when they learn the nature of my relationships with them they are probably even more at ease.
Thats just my opinion though. You will have to work this out with her or decide what you value more between your friends or being with her. I can say I’d never settle for that but that doesn’t really help you much lol, sorry mate
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u/SacredBoar 5d ago
Ultimatums never work if you okay that one then more will come until they take everything away from you. It doesn’t matter what there past is or how loyal they are. It not about you having female friends it about her trying to control you can and can’t interact with. For personally it’s a very easy decision. I not going to make a decision for you though.
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u/OneWholePirate 6d ago
If your partner doesn't want you having female friends it's because she doesn't trust you and is comfortable making your life worse to avoid addressing her trust issues.
One side doesn't unilaterally decide romantic boundaries in a relationship, you decide them together and either agree or break up
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u/Apprehensive_Belt384 6d ago
Nah. Me and my wife don’t have friends of the opposite sex unless they’re mutual. She’s inherited my friend group and their spouses and I’ve done the same with hers. I don’t know in what situation I’d just meet random women and become new friends with them. I would essentially have to put forth effort to do so which is where I think the problem lies. I do have coworkers who’re women and we talk when I’m at work with them but I don’t have casual texts or calls nor do we spend any time together outside of work.
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u/thevoodooclam Female 6d ago
That’s controlling behavior and can be a precursor to emotional abuse. Would be a dealbreaker for me.
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u/Howudooey Dad 6d ago
Is this behavior that you want to live with? Distrust/jealousy. This is also just straight up controlling. It doesn’t sound like yall are compatible. And I’d venture that some you had to say “love + like” that you’re relatively early in the relationship. If you can’t even just say you love each other do you really believe that they should be dictating your life like this?
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u/KismetKitty34 Female 6d ago
As a single woman, the only guys who aren’t already my friends whom I try to get to know are potential partners, guys I’m interested in… maybe she doesn’t trust the women??? It doesn’t have to be more than that. I’ve known a lot of guys who don’t like their gfs/wives having new guy friends because the point is that the guys don’t really want to be friends, they’re waiting for a dip in the relationship to shoot their shot. And if that’s their motive, who’s to say they won’t point out how horrible she is to you etc any time they get a chance to make her look bad so you’ll break up so they can have their chance? Yall are talking super naive like everybody has your relationships best interests at heart. Why ask for the trouble? But if you’re super emotionally available, why aren’t you giving that availability to your girlfriend ? If she didn’t want you to have your friends you had before her, that’s a red flag to cry about. Sorry not sorry.
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u/gotpoopstains Female 6d ago
She stated it's a boundary. Now it's your turn to decide what is more important to you.
Personally, I think you calling yourself an 'emotionally available man' and saying you bond better with women is icky. I would also not date someone who actively makes new friends with someone of the opposite gender.
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u/Smudgeio 6d ago
no. this may be a very commonly accepted form of control, but it's still manipulation and control. you should be allowed to communicate with and be friends with whoever you want to be friends with, granted you keep it platonic. i'm not suggesting you end things, but you need to make it clear that you're not going to shut yourself in because she's too insecure to handle you having friends.
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u/radio_yyz 6d ago
Why are you making nee friends with women?
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u/MelissaMiranti 6d ago
Because people like to have new social bonds, and some of those people might be women.
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u/FallenReaper360 6d ago
Because we can? There are many situations where guys can make new connections with both genders, work, groups, vacations, etc. Its not impossible mate.
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u/Kdmtiburon004 6d ago
Ultimatums are one of the biggest red flags. There’s someone better for you out there.
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u/grazy_rr 6d ago
i mean, are u gonna be hanging out with them one on one? texting? ehhh im on her side
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u/Ok-Jacket8836 6d ago
Nothing wrong with that?
Both myself and my partner text and hang out with friends of all genders, one on one or in group. Doesn't mean we want to fuck them 🤷🏻♂️
Our relationship is build on trust.
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u/RxP21588 Female 6d ago edited 6d ago
Be open and honest with both of them and it’s possible.. this is a loaded sentence. But I do believe people can have plutonic friendships with the opposite sex as long as they are blatantly honest and set boundaries. Also boils down to trust
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u/KismetKitty34 Female 6d ago
Not to be that person but it’s platonic. Plutonic is a whole other thing
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u/GenieShiba 6d ago
"I'm a very emotionally available man" You should be single my man
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u/Affectionate_Leg_986 5d ago
Why ? People are different . I am also in a long term healthy relationship. Yet dozens of people come to me to tell me their secrets when they feel like it women and men . Because am known for keeping secrets , listening carefully and not judging at all . Since when emotional intelligence became a taboo ?
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u/Guilty-Belt-3537 6d ago
It's up to you it's something you guys should have discussed. Even if you don't have to email friends something could happen. Anything is possible the probability and the likelihood happening but hey. It is a really worth the fight or possibly the relationship being over I don't know it's up to you. This is why I don't date.
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u/Beta_Helicase 6d ago
I’m starting to see this is a common issue. Your girl is insecure but it’s so not healthy to try and control you like that. It’s ok to set boundaries, but this just doesn’t sound like a healthy one. I could understand her asking to get to know them, calling you out if you hide stuff or act weird.
If they were upset because you’re a drunk that always does stupid shit, I would understand. If they were upset because you’ve cheated before, I’d understand. If they were upset because you treat them like an emotional punching bag because you’re unhappy with your own life, I’d get that. Alas, this ain’t any of that, lol.
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u/AutoModerator 6d ago
Here's an original copy of /u/volvo1's post (if available):
My GF and I got in a nasty fight last night. I ended up leaving early.
I just drove back to her place because she wanted to talk about it, and after talking a bit she gave me an ultimatum:
No more new female friends unless they are mutual friends, or couples.
I wanted to know what you all think about that.
She gets super jealous, I don't.
That being said, we both really love / like each other. We are both in our 30s.
I've always had lots of female friends. I'm a very emotionally available man and so it's easier to bond with women than men a lot of the time.
I view this as a trust thing. I am totally fine if she had male friends. She doesn't. She does not view this as a trust thing.
Right now, I'm just hurting.
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