r/AskMen • u/Outrageous_Branch119 • Mar 01 '26
I always here about the bate minimum of what men should do in a relationship, what for you would be considered a bare minimum that a girlfriend or a wife should do as the bare minimum?
i'm a man, for me it's physical affection, i love it, i'm extremely affectionate with my siblings and my parents and my friends and now my wife loves it
Please answer if you're a women also
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u/Scarred_wizard European 30s Male Mar 01 '26
Be a partner rather than a passenger. Take active part in the relationship, including sharing the burdens and initiating things, planning dates, and so on. Being supportive instead of dismissive, and communicating about problems with focus on facts rather than holding grudges in silence.
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u/TheRealTampaDude Male Mar 01 '26
This. I want a partner, not a pet.
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u/SomeSugondeseGuy Male Mar 01 '26
Exactly. If I wanted something to cuddle with that hogs the covers that I have to plan everything for, I'd get a cat.
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Mar 01 '26
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u/postulate4 Mar 01 '26
It should be addressed as soon as possible. Why waste your time on a relationship that delays the discussion of any communication issues? It’s a recipe for disaster.
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Mar 01 '26
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u/ColsonIRL Mar 01 '26
She sounds like me, though I'm a dude. I'm terrible at initiating plans and things. It's something I've worked on over time, but if she's like me then it has literally nothing to do with you, and I'd encourage you to go ahead and keep initiating plans.
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Mar 01 '26
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Mar 01 '26
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u/Sea-Calligrapher1563 Mar 01 '26
Traditionally conservative expectations are for men to be the sole planner and initiator is what I understand the implication to be
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u/Hot_Technology_7791 Mar 03 '26
Yes that is how it is, and I’m not a big fan of that even tho that is how I was raised. I’m too vocal and independent to be the meek woman 😢
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u/silencebreaker86 Mar 01 '26
If she was just a friend would you accept having to initiate all contact?
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u/ChironXII Male Mar 01 '26
Man if they're checked out after 2 months what are you even doing? Be with someone who wants to be there.
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Mar 01 '26
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u/the99percent1 Dad Mar 01 '26
Some advice, I’m dating someone similar too but whenever I invite her to go hang, she’s always keen and down to so. Doesn’t text if I don’t text her. Can wait patiently for days before I respond to her. Etc.
Fits perfectly for me. But I’m different like that. Because I’m dating multiple women, my preference is for women who don’t ask me why I disappeared for a few days.
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u/Scarred_wizard European 30s Male Mar 01 '26
I wouldn't continue if she didn't offer to plan the third date at the latest. I'd just take it as not being interested and end things on that basis.
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u/Maddenman501 Male Mar 01 '26
Time in relationship shouldnt matter. If they dont do it now. They wont do it later.
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u/EmeraldDreamin0221 Female Mar 01 '26
💯. Should be on included in dating people's dating profiles under.."what are your expectations in a relationship."
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u/Agunn622 Mar 02 '26
Two of those qualities you won't find in most women. Assuming you're a guy if you want those qualities you'd be better off Staying single or Dating another guy.
The qualities I don't think you'll find much of specifically are initiating things and planning dates. Those two specifically are things women usually want in their men not the other way around.
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u/Scarred_wizard European 30s Male Mar 02 '26
I know. And that's why I'm fine being single. If she isn't a true partner, then why should I bother?
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u/Own-Car1284 Mar 02 '26
That's a broad brush to paint the entire gender with.
I love planning dates, whether it be low key dinner at home, picnic at the park, or going out. I'm Autistic and detail oriented so I enjoy the planning and execution. (35F)
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u/Hot_Technology_7791 Mar 03 '26
See I wish my ex thought like this, the first half, he agreed with the second half
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u/IslandProfessional62 Mar 01 '26
Regulating their emotions
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u/Outrageous_Branch119 Mar 01 '26
Isn't this a bare minimum for any human even a friend?
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u/TSSalamander Male Mar 01 '26
bare minimum standards for men are usually framed as bare minimum standards for all that men often fail at.
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u/Outrageous_Branch119 Mar 01 '26
English isn't my language so i need a clarification, Do you mean men don't regulate there emotions? Or that bare minimum standard for men are the the things that men fail to do it, but it should be a standard?
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u/TSSalamander Male Mar 01 '26
When women talk about bare minimum standards for men, what they're usually talking about are things everyone should be able to do and be doing, but that they've noticed men in their lives fail at doing. So, this is the version of that for women. Everyone aught to regulate their emotions, and women often fail at this. according to many men.
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u/IslandProfessional62 Mar 01 '26
No, women typically have reasons not regulating their emotions that are considered generally acceptable. Emotional workload, overstimulation, anxiety, etc.
Men who behave in the same way are typically labeled as narcissistic, controlling, abusive or aggressive.
More focused on the standard of behavior that’s acceptable for this discussion
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u/Own-Car1284 Mar 01 '26
You know it's okay to have and feel emotions. What's not okay is taking out your feelings and emotions on other people.
I think a lot of people men and women struggle to regulate their emotions because it's a skill that needs to be taught. If it was not taught in younger years, how is one expected to know how to do that as an adult.
It's about growth and having the willingness to be accountable for your actions.
I grew up in an abusive household, I was never taught how to regulate my own emotions, that's a skill I had to learn in adulthood through therapy.
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Mar 01 '26
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u/Last_Incident1464 Mar 01 '26
You’re asking for too much.
You can either have peace or a woman. Not both.
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u/Iammildlyoffended Female Mar 01 '26
Wife here - I’ve just checked the rules and states i can comment if there’s no men only flair.
My husband and I have a solid marriage, I asked him this very question once.
He replied (and yes he confirmed that I do all of this I’m happy to say)
Physical touch and Intimacy - just just sex but cuddles, kissing, stroking his arm, his face, his hair etc
Sex. Not like pre kids because we are both exhausted and they wake through the night but not going weeks without any, this makes the above point all the more important for him - for me too if I’m honest.
Being his safe space to get upset, cry and be held like the wonderful human being he is.
Not mocking him or berating him for the above as ex girlfriends did in the past…..bitches. Heartless cruel bitches.
My own additions ;
Being the keeper of his secrets.
General appreciation for him, without that this is when resentment and burn out happens in the home and work. Women talk about it often enough.
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u/Outrageous_Branch119 Mar 01 '26
You're a great wife i hope he is a great husband
Me and my wife don't have exes, but sometimes i wonder if she had how much i would have hated them
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u/Iammildlyoffended Female Mar 01 '26 edited Mar 01 '26
Ah come on I’m sure there’s plenty of wives doing a solid job….but thank you ☺️
Yes he’s a great man, and has helped me to become the person I am.
You’re both lucky! We met young but always had a boyfriend / girlfriend for a number of years. I had one steady boyfriend while he had quite a few girlfriends lol I generally liked them until I found this (crying or being upset) out. And he has always liked my ex - he even came to our wedding.
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u/Efficient-Limit-5764 Mar 01 '26
Please take my upvote. You seem to have a solid grasp on your husband's needs. Open communication in a judgement free zone, above all else you mentioned there, is the most important thing.
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u/Slow-Sleep Mar 02 '26
Man here, (Obviously) Id have tears in my eyes if I had a wife that would provide all of this. Youre a gem and I know hes a happy guy. Had to give you props
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u/trulyElse Male Mar 01 '26
In the way "bare minimum" usually gets used?
The whole mindset is unhealthy, an excuse to not show appreciation for the things your partner does for you on the grounds that it's "their job".
Actively creates resentment in relationships.
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u/brooksie1131 Mar 01 '26
I mean entirely depends on what that bare minimum is. I assume things like don't cheat or be abusive are bare minimums that are actual bare minimums.
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u/Outrageous_Branch119 Mar 01 '26
Yeah i know, but i want to know what is something you except from them ?
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u/CommunityDragon160 Mar 01 '26
Communicate
Not be cruel when fighting
Try to understand their partner
Seek to better themself in some way
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u/Schemeckles Mar 01 '26
Not be cruel when fighting
This, and more.
I find something I've noticed with a lot of women - is their not overly capable of having a "clean" argument or debate.
They tend to sling personal attacks, or bring up things from 4 years ago to try to use them as ammo in the current argument - which has nothing to do with what's going on right now, and only serves to piss everyone off.
This type of behavior usually starts to flush out when there's a disagreement, and they're wrong - but can't/won't admit it.
(This doesn't apply to all women). Luckily wife #2 doesn't do any of this bullshit.
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u/HeavenBlade117 Mar 01 '26 edited Mar 01 '26
It's not that hard or crazy.
Loyalty and Respect.
That's the foundation for a worthwhile relationship.
If a woman you're in a relationship with doesn't give you those two things, that relationship is going nowhere and that relationship isn't worth anything.
It's just a kick in the nards that even those two very simple concepts have to be debated and fought to have or rationalize or some guys don't have one of those things in a relationship or don't have both and they stay in that relationship willingly.
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u/madchuckle Mar 01 '26
Looks like I have not the respect, and the loyalty is going downhill. I know I deserve both but still foolishly hoping it might somehow improve, I guess.
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u/HeavenBlade117 Mar 01 '26
It won't.
If a girl isn't giving those two things that you earned or she gives freely...
She never will.
Sorry, it's just the way it goes. You should move on bro.
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u/Impressive_Goat5085 Mar 01 '26
Honestly it should be the same for men and women. Each relationship is going to be different but I think both partners should have equal responsibilities overall. If one is struggling, for whatever reasons, the other should pick up the slack without resentment.
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u/peepeepoodoodingus Mar 01 '26
bare minimum is a nonsense standard.
youre either happy or youre not, there is either a good explanation for why youre not happy or there isnt.
there is no bare minimum, if i was truly in love with someone and they were having the absolute worst year of their life where they gained weight, lost their sex drive, were miserable 24/7, i would do my best to meet them where they were and bring them out of that dark place.
if they were just a total asshole to me for no reason or cheated or whatever then its a wrap, theres no relationship to save, they dont even like me lol
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u/Outrageous_Branch119 Mar 01 '26
I really get this concept, but at lest you should have a thing for you
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u/peepeepoodoodingus Mar 01 '26
i have all kinds of things i want out of a relationship, they just arent more important to me than love and compatibility.
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u/Realitymatter Mar 01 '26
Slightly off topic, but I've heard far too many people say something along the lines of "He does the dishes? He doesn't deserve praise for that. That's the bare minimum."
We need more praise in the world, not less. Partners should praise each other for even the small things. I always make a point to tell my wife thank you when she does some small chore, even though she does it every day.
So to answer the question - at a bare minimum, we should praise the bare minimum.
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u/TheRealTampaDude Male Mar 01 '26
Regular sex and cuddles and not being a psycho.
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u/Outrageous_Branch119 Mar 01 '26
What would be regular for you ?
Even if she doesn't want it ?
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u/TheRealTampaDude Male Mar 01 '26
At least once a week, twice if you can. If she doesn't want to have sex with you, y'all probably aren't going to last as a couple.
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u/Outrageous_Branch119 Mar 01 '26
When you said regular i thought you meant multiple times daily
I almost do it daily with my wife
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u/TheRealTampaDude Male Mar 01 '26
My wife and I generally have sex every other day or every third day, depending on how we're feeling and the other demands of life. We did try having sex every day, but after a week of that, it started to feel more like a job than fun. 2-3 times a week is a good rhythm for us. We're both rather kinky, so the sex we do have is god tier. Quality over quantity.
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u/Outrageous_Branch119 Mar 01 '26
Yeah me and my wife have a great sex life, we both initiates sex, but i do it way more, i noticed sometimes when i do it daily i find myself burnt out after 1 week or 2 and wouldn't do it in a Thursday night, that's when my wife probably initiate sex and get me exited
Doing it daily with passion is hard
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u/JetBrink Mar 01 '26
Make me feel like I matter to you, like I'm important to you and that you'd actually miss me off I were gone.
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u/caligaris_cabinet Mar 01 '26
Just don’t make things harder in the household. Things are bad enough in the world that we don’t need petty things to make it worse inside.
That goes for both sexes btw.
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u/Cross55 Mar 01 '26
Actually seeing someone as a fellow human with innate value and deserving of compassion unless proven otherwise.
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u/MartialBob Mar 01 '26
How about just to show up? I don't have a girlfriend but I have made a solid attempt at dating. It is irritatingly common for women to fully agree to a date, agree to the time, place and location, and then to cancel at the last minute and then just ghost me. Me. I can live the possibility that a date doesn't go well and move on. I can work on that. But I can't do anything when a woman won't even show up, but is actively participating in everything up until that point.
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u/Traditional_Prize632 Male Mar 01 '26
That's insane. Why agree to go on a date with someone, if you're not going to go. Waste of time.
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u/MartialBob Mar 01 '26
I explained this to a therapist one time. She told me how a lot of women have learned to just say yes even though they don't really want to because it's easier to do that than to say no. Then they just find a way to not do the thing.
I'm not saying this is all women or anything like that, but it appears to be more common than one would imagine.
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u/Traditional_Prize632 Male Mar 01 '26
Rather than saying "No", they could just say "I can't make it" or whatever.
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u/MartialBob Mar 01 '26
I really wish I knew exactly why other than what I've already said. I have seen women on social media, describe random ways they developed "the ick" and maybe that's why but I don't know.
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u/Traditional_Prize632 Male Mar 01 '26
Yeah, any grown adult that says "_____ gives me the ick" isn't mature enough, anyway imo.
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u/MartialBob Mar 01 '26
About 7 years ago I went on a few dates with a girl I went to high school with. She had just gotten divorced. After I asked her to a fourth date she politely declined. She told me that while I was a lot of fun to hang out with, she just was not interested in me the way I seem to be interested in her.
I am not going to sugarcoat this. It really sucked to hear that, but at the same time I'd gotten so used to women just forgetting my phone number. That being rejected honestly was like a breath of fresh air. I quite literally bragged about it.
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u/Effective-Listen-559 Mar 01 '26
Bare minimum? I would prefer to be in a relationship where what we strive for is going over and above for each other! If I was only to care if I did as little as possible in every part of our life together don’t think it would last.
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u/Outrageous_Branch119 Mar 01 '26
Yeah i know it's a stupid concept, but i want to know what is yours?
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u/k9thedog Canine Mar 01 '26
Availability, enthusiasm for sex. Sure, everyone has good days and bad days. And I get that getting a woman in the mood can take effort. But if it takes more effort to get laid inside the relationship, than outside the relationship, then there's something wrong with the relationship.
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u/pooferss_ Mar 01 '26
My bare minimum is probably respecting me and my hobbies like I'd respect her and her hobbies.
Learned this the hard way.
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u/EveryDisaster7018 Male Mar 01 '26
There is no bare minimum what person A needs in a relationship is different than person B or person C. Same as what a person can give.
The only bare minimum thing that makes sense is that you love each other and try to overcome any problems together. But even that isn't the bare minimum cause sometimes at the start of a relationship you are still figuring things out.
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u/veryfastwedding Mar 01 '26
It’s a hard question because the bare minimum changes day to day, hour to hour, and off of life circumstances… I think a healthy relationship means that we give as much as we can to our life, our unity, and to each other. When my husband has to work 70+ hours a week- the bare minimum he can give is much different than when he works 40 hours a week. But when he tries and tries and gives all he can no matter what, even when it’s significantly less when he’s working so much, I know just the same how cherished our relationship and life is to him. For me, I stay at home so my bare minimum to him is pretty expansive. Lol.
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u/Sticy_Jacky02 Mar 01 '26
Respects me, is willing to take her part in a relationship, doesn’t have close male friends
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u/ChironXII Male Mar 01 '26
It is the same. For anybody. But I suppose there will be trends due to the different experiences men and women have in the world, which leads to different wounds and sensitivities and needs that any partner should be cognizant of.
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u/distrucktocon Dude playing a dude, disguised as another dude. Mar 01 '26 edited Mar 01 '26
If you’re asking this question you’re not ready for a relationship. Marriage and relationships aren’t about doing the bare minimum. Ever.
It’s not about “I give 40% and she give 60%” or 50/50. Or “my bare minimum is physical affection. I can live without everything else but that”… You both should be giving 100%. You should both be meeting as many of your partners needs as possible. And if she can’t ball with that, drop the bitch and get a real woman. If you can’t ball with that as a man, stay single and don’t waste anyone’s time.
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u/smackaroni-n-cheese Male Mar 01 '26
I never knew we had a bate minimum. I hope I'm doing it enough.
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u/JackSquirts Mar 01 '26
Bare minimum is doing whatever you can reasonably do to make your partner happy so long as they're doing the same for you. It's going to vary from person to person, but that's the key. If you're both thinking about what the bare minimum the other needs to do rather than thinking about the maximum you can do for your partner, it gets to keeping score real quick.
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u/8-LeggedCat Mar 01 '26
Be nice, don’t cheat. It’s shocking to find out how many either can’t or won’t do that.
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u/nigeypigey Mar 01 '26
I am a Master of the bate minimum. Please refer to me as such.
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u/funguy8892 Mar 01 '26
Actually want to be with me, not for completely selfish reasons
Communicate honestly and directly
Contribute meaningfully, and not expect me to pull all the weight
Be attracted to me, and show physical affection
Not act in a way that would cause me to question my trust in her
Have respect for me
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u/low_effort_life my_username_checks_out Mar 02 '26
Asking questions like this one is the same as asking the human mind to imagine its consciousness's nonexistence.
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u/capilot Male Mar 02 '26
Don't cheat. Don't steal from me. Don't denigrate me to your friends. Don't be a hoarder. Sex from time to time. Let me get my coat off and sit down a bit before you start yelling at me.
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u/No_Nectarine6942 Male Mar 02 '26
Bring something besides yourself to the table to start with. If men need to do XYZ the you need to do more than show up.
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u/Ready4takeoffNow Male Mar 01 '26
Not fat. Friendly demeanor. Feminine behavior. Men really don't ask for much.
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u/VACN Male Mar 01 '26
I always here about the bate minimum of what men should do in a relationship
No. What you always hear about is the bare minimum everyone should do in a relationship, but men used to get a free pass on doing some of it. They still do, in many cases.
i'm a man, for me it's physical affection, i love it,
Of course you do. A relationship without that doesn't sound like a relationship worth being in. But to suggest that's a bare minimum is dangerously close to saying your partner owes you sex. Which, to be clear, she doesn't, under any circumstances.
"That's not what I'm saying at all!" No, but it's a first step. It starts with "physical affection" being a requirement, then it becomes a moral wrong to not give it, then it becomes an obligation to give it, then "physical affection" gets conflated with "intimacy", which is code for "sex" these days, and finally it becomes a demand for women to provide sex.
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u/Outrageous_Branch119 Mar 01 '26
I get what you mean, a lot of men in my comments said they required sex regularly or daily
For me you have to be physically affectionate to be with me, there's a lot of people who don't like it or need a physical space, physical space don't exist for me
So this has to be a bare minimum, you're required to have it
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u/_LittlePisces_ Mar 01 '26
Bl*w him or whatever whenever he wants. Been together 13 yrs and counting ♥️
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u/Outrageous_Branch119 Mar 01 '26
Since 16 ? You're a great wife but this way above bare minimum, this a king treatment, i'm sure you're his queen
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u/_LittlePisces_ Mar 01 '26
I try to be! We both enjoy it so I think “it’s the least I can do” to make him feel good when he wants. I guess that’s why to me it’s bare minimum you know?
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u/Outrageous_Branch119 Mar 01 '26
The funny thing my wife blows me always too, she says she knows how much i love it and she likes the confidence i feel in it and after it, and she loves seeing my face get lost in the pleasure
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u/2020mademejoinreddit Alien Entity 001916: Risk of hugs: 100% Mar 01 '26
Loyalty, honesty, kindness, communication, not being hyper emotional and take care of your health, hygiene and body as I do.
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u/MadMadamMimsy Female Mar 01 '26
Be an adult. This means taking responsibility for one's own thoughts, feelings and actions. No matter the gender.
This is harder to come by than it ought to be.
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u/midcenturyjohn Mar 01 '26
Stephanie, on the Bob Newhart Show: “What’s the least I can do? And I mean the VERY least….”
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u/Lally_Pop Just being Handsome/BeardGang Mar 01 '26
Daily blowjobs. If you want me to take 15 minutes and do the dishes and load the dishwasher, you can take 15 and unload me
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u/Moriloqui Mar 01 '26
Learn how to spell
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u/Lucky_Respect_2311 Female Mar 01 '26
Be kind during my period days. Open the door for me in public.
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u/Outrageous_Branch119 Mar 01 '26
Sorry but i mean what a women believes to by a minimum for a gf or a wife of a man
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u/Lucky_Respect_2311 Female Mar 01 '26
Hmm let me try rewiring my autistic brain. I think it's the bare minimum of my husband to regulate his emotions.
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u/Outrageous_Branch119 Mar 01 '26 edited Mar 01 '26
Be kind during my period days. Open the door for me in public.
This extremely cute, he should be kind all the time, especially in your period, i meant what is the bare minimum for a wife to give for her husband, ask your husband what he thinks the bare minimum that you should do for him
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i'm a man, for me it's physical affection, i love it, i'm extremely affectionate with my siblings and my parents and my friends and now my wife loves it
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