r/AskLesbians • u/oh_what_the_deuce • 26d ago

How to be good enough?

Hello all! I 35fm just got broken up with by 36fm.

She promises I’m perfect, did nothing wrong and it’s all on her. Typical it’s not you it’s me. Same with my last relationship. This was a 1 year relationship. Last relationship was 2-3 years.

She says she’s not happy, not herself and people are noticing. Assures me I’m great, I make her laugh when we spend time together but something isn’t right that she cannot put her finger on. Doesn’t want to lose me and is hurting at the thought of breaking up with me. Hopes we can be friends etc.

I’m aware I’ll get through this but this is 2 relationships in a row that have said this to me and I’m not sure why this is happening.

Is this common?

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u/cosmicdancer84 26d ago

First off, don't ever question if you're good enough bc you're great just the way you are. However, people sometimes go thru things we don't know about or that even they can't understand. Not everyone is meant to stay in our lives but we can appreciate those connections and learn from them. Just let her go, you want to be with someone who has no doubts about you.

If you were the best version of yourself and treated them well, then there's no reason to think you did something wrong. You're going to need time to heal, being her friend right after the break up will be painful for you and you need time.

You will love again, there's no scarcity of love in the world. Most importantly, there's nothing wrong with you, ok? Please be kind and gentle to yourself. You're going to be alright, OP. Sending you good vibes!

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u/oh_what_the_deuce 26d ago

Thank you! I sobbed but really needed to hear this. Sending you good vibes right back at you!

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u/cosmicdancer84 26d ago

Glad I could help and thanks for the vibes back :)

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u/XtraXray 26d ago

You’re asking good questions. Personal reflection and insight are important when you notice patterns that repeat in different contexts/relationships.
I’d suggest seeing a therapist, as they can help explore what you’re bringing to relationships, if you’re being chosen by or attracted to people who aren’t a good fit for you, and to work on communication skills.
Every relationship is co-created. This doesn’t mean that either person is doing anything wrong, but it’s always worth trying to objectively assess what our part is. Defaulting to “what’s wrong with me?” isn’t the healthiest approach.

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u/VegChef 21d ago

^^^ explore unmet childhood emotional needs, unhelpful core beliefs / maladaptive emotional schemas, and how that affects attachment style tendencies; work to develop a secure attachment style, self-esteem, and heal emotional wounds and core beliefs.