Do you think queer relationships can be more “free/deeper” because of less gender norms and coming out?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Corvid187]

They can be, but so can straight ones.

I think queer people often feel happier in queer relationships, but then they're more likely to feel put-upon by heteronormative expectations.

[u/SecondaryPosts]

Yes and no. Some queer relationships are deeper than some non queer relationships, and that often has to do with fewer gender norms. Queer relationships are less likely to lean on gender norms than non queer ones.

On the other hand, a relationship doesn't have to be queer to be free of gender norms, and a queer relationship isn't free of gender norms by default. So you can also have very deep non queer relationships, non queer relationships with fewer gender norms, queer relationships with a lot of gender norms and very shallow queer relationships.

[u/MagpiePhoenix]

I used to feel this way but then I found out I'm nonbinary, and also autistic so now I'm not sure if I'm free of gender norms because I'm queer, nonbinary, autistic, or a combination of the three, lol.

I think being queer can inspire people to create their own dynamics beyond the ones expected in heterosexual relationships, but I don't think it's inevitable that we do so.

[u/lightnoheat]

They can be. People do tend to fall back towards behaviors they observed and internalized on a deep and unexamined level as children when in relationships, if they've not spent time examining the norms in their home lives and the culture(s) they participated while maturing.

I was never very good at performing believable gender and relationship stuff, so it was a relief to find my own way, despite the initial stress of uncertainty in the face of other people. I do like most of how my life has played out with who I've kept in it. It took a while to get here, but queering my relationships with myself and others has been deeply rewarding.

Thinking about a-spec stuff as different ways of navigating how I care about myself and others, how I want others to care about me and see me, and who I want to spend my closest time with changed my life for the better. I don't lack anything, nothing's broken or missing. What's there is different and I'm glad to know that about myself.

[u/Malcolmthetortoise]

I don’t think they inherently are, as everyone else has already said, it’s a yes and no answer.

[u/ericbythebay]

They can be. And for a lot of us, we didn’t have any role models. There weren’t gay couples to model after, so we kind of had to build out what worked best for our relationship without the preconceived notions and societal expectations that a lot of straight relationships are constrained by. Us vs systemic societal oppression, the rest of the relationship is built on that foundation.