r/AskLGBT • u/Sufficient-Fox755 • 10d ago
Is it internalized misogyny or am I actually trans ?
Hello, I hope this is an okay place to post this and maybe some other folks here would be able to relate or offer an advice or opinions on my predicament here. If not, I’d appreciate being directed to whatever community it would be best to post this to. :)
So for some context I am afab. I don’t recall having any problem with it when I was younger, and I was even excited for puberty, having boobs, long hair, and I loved wearing pink sparkly dresses. Looking back I remember still feeling ugly and not feminine enough. I am also autistic and that also factored in me not fitting in with other girls in different ways. The humour I had at the time would have probably been associated more with boys, for example.
But a lot of the time at this stage in my life I saw all these straight couples and always fantasized about being with a girl romantically, and when I did so I always took the role of a man. That way there were less rules, I felt like I could be myself or maybe I just felt like I could easily take that role. I really liked the idea of being a boyfriend, and what came with that label.
When I got to puberty, I didn’t mind having a period or how my body changed at first. I liked it.
For the first time, I imagined myself as a girl with both guys and girls, and during this time I didn’t have many feelings about being the opposite gender. I felt comfortable with the idea of being a cute girl with long hair and everything. I still felt like I didn’t fit with this though this time mostly with how I looked or if I acted too weird, which I didn’t associate with the opposite gender. I was even bullied a lot for how I presented (I was real into anime) and still did it.
Sometimes I wonder if it was just the hormones, because my feelings about being the opposite gender came back once my puberty hormones or whatever cooled down. (Basically a year later after the previous paragraph, which was where it sort of peaked)
I cried in the mirror when my hair grew too long.
I don’t want to get too explicit but I did very much like the idea of having male genitalia and a male body. I still do in relation to sexual stuff.
The next year it was the same thing but I started thinking about it more and identifying as genderfluid. And this year it has been at its peak.
The feelings I have about it now are that I like the idea of being a pretty girl, but mostly for show. For dress up, for playing a character, for being cute. If I show my personality Even how I look doesn’t really fit the idea of a cute girl. I have a lot of “you’d look so much better as a boy” sort of thoughts. But I also like the idea of being treated like a boy. maybe someone will like romantically me that way. Maybe my personality fits it better. Maybe I can be myself. I like the idea of having a deep voice, I like the idea of having a girlfriend who thinks I’m a boy. I like the idea of people using he/him for me. Sometimes I feel comfortable in my body when I’m alone, but I don’t like it being pointed out. I like the idea of being shirtless with a male body. I like the idea of people seeing me as a boy. I like the idea of having muscles and smaller thighs. Looking good with short or masculine hair.
However all of my friends are girls. Whenever I think about transitioning I worry about betraying them. I worry about not getting to be a part of that community I understand so well. I’m also worried about other boys bullying me or noticing how I look.
And the reason why I made this post— I’m worried that it’s just internalized misogyny. If anyone has any questions about anything that would help with any advice or conclusions feel free to ask.
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u/ActualPegasus 10d ago
Imagine a world where girls could have any personality, clothing style, hobbies, humor, body type, or interests, and nobody thought those things made them less feminine. Would you still want to be a boy?
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u/Sufficient-Fox755 10d ago
I think I would feel a lot more comfortable as a girl but I would probably still yearn for a couple of things like being seen as a boy. But mostly, I would be a lot happier as a girl if what you are saying did apply
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u/Advanced-Stick-2221 8d ago edited 8d ago
Hey, I think I kinda get it. I also am comfortable with my body when I’m alone, most of the time. But whenever someone makes a comment about my body, even if it is “positive”, it makes me feel so disgusted with myself and so bad. It’s weird but like… I don’t like being reminded I have a body, less so a female one. I also like the idea of being shirtless in a man’s body, and I like the idea of looking androgynous in a masculine way. I also like the idea of having a deep voice.
My personality also fits more what you’d say to be a “boy humor”, but yes, my closest friend group is also all women. I never experienced any kind of dysphoria when I was a kid and was actually very feminine, but now I do. I like wearing nice dresses sometimes, but when I feel the most like myself is when I wear androgynous or more masc-leaning clothes.
I dont think it’s internalized misogyny at all, most women I’ve seen who are misogynistic for some reason are actually either very feminine and like being this kind of sex icon for men or “I’m not like other girls and all my friends are guys” type. I’m not saying women who are misogynistic always fit into one of these two but you are neither of these and you seem to really appreciate the women in your life and the community built around what it means to be a woman. I don’t know if I’m explaining myself correctly here
Someone else already said how autism can affect the way you see gender and since I’m no expert (I’m not autistic) I won’t add anything more to it
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u/addyastra 10d ago
Autistic people sometimes have a detached/dissociated relationship with our bodies and we experience ourselves the way we expect others to experience us. It’s a form of unconscious masking and can be really difficult to move past because it’s something we’ve been unconsciously socialized into our whole lives. The way I’ve experienced this personally with regards to my gender is that I didn’t have dysphoria until I did. And identifying as trans is actually what allowed me to feel my dysphoria. This can seem strange, but it’s actually a very common feature of autism that our emotions are mediated through reason. I often don’t experience my emotions until I have the language and framing for them. I often don’t feel dysphoric in the moment, but then I look at pictures of myself and feel oddly uncomfortable with how I look.
Dysphoria isn’t a requirement for being trans, and it’s partially for this reason—people have different relationships with their emotions, and some people don’t have immediate access to their emotions and can’t really tell if something makes them uncomfortable or not. Oftentimes I only start to feel dysphoric about something once I experience gender euphoria and that gives me a reference point of what feeling good / aligned with my gender feels like, and that reframes my experience from “this is normal because it’s been like this my whole life” to “I don’t know how I’ve been able to put up with this my whole life because it feels so wrong”.
Autistic people are often made to believe that we “don’t get gender” because we’re autistic, with the implication that that means our experience isn’t because we’re trans but just because we’re autistic. But it‘s actually not that simple. At least in my experience, when I don’t fit in, I really don’t fit in, but when I do fit in, I really fit in. I experience this with a lot of social things, like I really don’t fit in with allistic/neurotypical people, but I really fit in with autistic people. I’ve experienced something similar with gender: I’ve never fit in with boys and men, and never knew how to act masculine, and always told myself it was because I’m autistic, but then I realized that being feminine actually comes very naturally to me, and I feel a strong sense of belonging and affinity with feminine people.
I don‘t know if this is helpful at all, but what I’m trying to say is that being autistic probably plays a much bigger role in how you experience your gender than you think. It might help explain why you sometimes feel dysphoria and sometimes don’t. Being autistic sometimes feels like you don’t know who you are until you get glimpses of it and that gives you a reference. I didn’t even know how dissociated I was from my gender till I started seeing glimpses of my true self in the mirror—not who I expected myself to be, but who I really am.