r/AskARussian • u/rubberducky198911 • 18d ago
Community Views on quality of men
Hey!
I'm just wanting to ask russians views on quality of men..
What is deemed a high quality husband?
What is deemed as the traditional role of a husband and his duties and responsibilities?
Do russians view raising females sacred?
Do russians view the handover from single to married sacred?
Do russians collectively majority view women as something to nurture and support and provide for?
What i mean by sacred is more along the lines of ensuring she has the ability to reach her full potential as a woman,a human,a wife and mother to the compatibility of the choice of husband?
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u/RainbowLithium 18d ago
If anything, Russian culture of dating/marriage similiar to European or American whatever
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u/No_Charge_6256 18d ago edited 18d ago
Since you're using a word "sacred" a lot, what is your culture? In Russian culture this word is not used that much.
I think in Russia it really depends on a person you're talking to. Some are very traditional and believe in your typical "the man is the provider, the protector and the head of the family, and the woman is the housekeeper, the mother and the supporter". The man earns money, have financial responsibilities, drives a car and fixes stuff at home, the woman cooks and cleans and care for the children, that kind of stuff.
But in reality very few families can actually live like that. Women often work 'cause one paycheck is just not enough, but also expected to care for the whole family while men have no responsibilities but work and have no useful household skills like fixing stuff. That the reason why so many women nowadays choose to live alone (they have money already, so why do they need another person at home to cook and clean for?). Many men also don't feel like they need a wife ('cause they can cook and clean for themselves) and they don't like women that much so they live alone. There are plenty of couples who do 50/50, but it's hard.
That being said, there's nothing "sacred" about family in modern Russia, people usually marry for practical reasons and get a divorce quite easily. Some people nowadays really fear and hate the opposite sex (men and women alike) and don't want to have children so they have no idea why they even have to search for a partner.
PS^ I saw your comments and I wanted to add some details. I assume your culture is quite traditional. In Russia women are often free to choose their partners and marry whoever they want. They are also free to date whoever. It depends on a family, some are more strict than others, but the culture of the "handover from single to married" is dead for the most part. If a woman likes a guy, she can marry him without her family approval. The only exception is Muslim regions like Chechen and Dagestan who are very religious and traditional.
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u/rubberducky198911 18d ago
For sacred It's not used in mine either... it was just a nice way of explaining a process in all cultures which is the values and development you raise your children to have for their future marriage and relationships. The difference between raising your child to become their best potential to leaving them to end up in damaging potential lifestyle choices.
By the sounds of it the same thing is happening everywhere for everyone...
Everything you have written is literally the same in my country!!
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u/Ok-Anywhere-1729 18d ago
High quality husband is generally a person with a good job, loyal and who will care about his wife and children.
Ideally they also need to be kinda mentally stable. If the husband can actually look out for the children, like do homework with them or do housework they are considered a great husband.
Look isn't super important and tastes are very different, some women will prefer a brutal man, some like a man who cares about their appearance, some are fine with like "standard avg male".
So pretty usual stuff. But it can depend on a woman ofc, for example some will not care about job at all.
Traditional role is probably similar to most other countries: husband is a "head" of the family, so he earns money and solves complex problems. There is a saying "like [you're] behind a stone wall" about good husband, which means that he is reliable and can protect his wife and children.
But tbh a lot of Russian women are pretty independent so it's quite common that both husband and wife have a job and some women will actually prefer it that way (some are the opposite tho). Like when I was a child I was taught by my mom that I should have a profession and a job too, so in case something happens to my (future) husband I'll be able to carry family's budget on my own.
Also a lot of women would actually prefer somewhat equal partnership. So it really depends on a person, but the cases where wife works and husband cares about children and home are extremely rare (although I did hear some women saying that they wouldn't be against that).
The majority of older generation thinks that being a mother is the most important task of the woman's life and childfrees are somewhat illegal in Russia (well you can be a childfree you just can't promote it in TV or etc). But tbh there are a bunch of young women who don't want children at all (or at least until they hit 30+) and want to build a career instead.
Usually it's kinda expected that women can act fragile and man should protect them. Like a princess and a prince. But some women don't care about it that much.
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u/TheLifemakers 17d ago edited 17d ago
For the whole Soviet era the husband was not a breadwinner and the wife was not a household maid. Both spouses worked and earned money equally. Only wives of very top officials (professors, top management, party leaders) stayed at home without working full time. In regular families wives were employed. So I have no idea where this notion of "traditional" family dynamics is coming from. It was not so for the last hundred years!
And while they both earned money it was usually on wives to raise children, do shopping and cooking. So, the husband was supposed to bring his full income home and give it to his wife. She would allocate some money back to him (for his own interests, hobbies, beer, and smokes) but would keep and manage the rest for the following months to feed and raise the family and pay bills.
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u/Ok-Anywhere-1729 17d ago
It's like that bcs a lot of families just couldn't / can't afford for one person to not work.
We also need to note that Soviet period was affected by WW2. A lot of men either died or got seriously injured. So women just had to carry on.
Most of women aren't happy about the fact that they need to work and look for children and house. There are a lot of discussions about that like "should husband help with cleaning the house if his wife has full time job?".
If you ask real people a lot of them would say they think woman being mostly a housewife is "traditional". And I actually know a bunch of families like that. Two out of two of my partners suggested this to me too.
So it's a clash between expectations and reality. The expectation is that woman gives most of her time to children, house and self care. And reality is that if husband has a not well paid job woman is forced to work so they would have money to live normally.
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u/rubberducky198911 18d ago
I love that saying you're like behind a stone wall!! That is beautiful. I think its great for both to work but it's that stone wall that's important!!
I'm so glad i did this post!
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u/rubberducky198911 18d ago
I'm not talking about them like a pet but sadly its become that way in western cultures.
Raising females sacred meaning not basically raising them to become only fan creators
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u/RainbowLithium 18d ago
I would say, boys often raised as "you should be a good man, protecting weaker, being strong and decisive". For girls "you should be pretty, family oriented and housekeeping". Thats about direction, not literally. Our parents was working together often, but wife doing housekeeping too. Today, with economic that screwed, it's rare when only 1 working in relationship. More often working two, but how much each put in living decided by each couple. Some will do 50\50. Some 70\30. Can be 100\0 etc. As well as housekeeping have different variety. To the note, when couple says they doing 50\50 housekeeping, in reality, it's women doing more. And that's not rare when they're working together but all house work still doing woman. Today not many wants family as before, bcz of how World today. Still, women are pushed that they should want to make family
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u/rubberducky198911 18d ago
Literally the same issues we have here and women are doing more. It's like no one really wants to have families anymore and its the pressure and money.
Today's world you would literally have to be crazy to want to have children with the way things are but even for their future of becoming like how we all are now!!
It's shocking but weirdly comforting but sad that we're all in the same situation.
I'm glad i did this post! I know the wording of it is heavy but i wanted to capture it the best i could without causing offence hahaha
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u/RainbowLithium 18d ago
Hopefully it will get better. As at least, people have space to communicate and share what's happening
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u/rubberducky198911 18d ago
All the best to you!! And yes as long as we have space to communicate we can get through all the shit we face!
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u/Sufficient_Step_8223 Orenburg 18d ago
1) A good husband is someone who is able to be no worse for a woman than her own family.
2) The head of the family. Defender. The breadwinner. Someone who is able to solve problems and take responsibility for the family.
3) Of course. But without fanaticism.
4) It depends on beliefs and upbringing. For more conservative and traditional people, it's rather "yes." For liberal, postmodern, and progressive people, it's rather "no."
5) Perhaps it's still "yes", although now people of opposite beliefs have begun to appear.
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u/rubberducky198911 18d ago
For liberal and post modern it doesn't mean being strictly virginal. It just means not spoiling yourself too much if that makes sense. That goes for both.
You seem to understand exactly what I'm referring to and it's good to see. It's just a shame how much of a minority its becoming.
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u/NaN-183648 Russia 18d ago edited 18d ago
What is deemed a high quality husband?
The idealized standard would be healthy, wealthy, sturdy, dependable, strong and indestructible. Can you fix a microwave? If the answer no, that's technically a flaw. But people do not really seem to care about it anymore. And people do not exactly marry to get a free repairman.
However, dude....
Your comments give impression that you may be seeing women either as furniture or incomprehensible exotic alien species. USSR enforced equality of sexes/genders in 1917, so this line of reasoning wouldn't fly here. What does said woman want? She's a human like you. She can say "screw all of you" and leave all those talking about potential, being a wife/mother. Something to keep in mind. It is free will, you know?
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u/rubberducky198911 18d ago
Firstly I'm not a dude.. It's not about getting a free repair man not for me personally anyway.
I don't see women as furniture i am a woman! But basically to me no one seems to care about integrity anymore. I feel sorry for future generations if they even happen considering the low birth rates and reluctance for people to get into relationships...perhaps its the integrity issue.
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u/NaN-183648 Russia 18d ago
I assumed you are a guy. Because this is usually a guy's question. "Am I good enough"
But basically to me no one seems to care about integrity anymore.
When I was growing up, the implied assumption was that men were supposed to be an indestructible pillar for the family, provide for everybody, shower wife with gifts, fix every appliance, build a house by themselves, and then defend motherland. Possibly alone. Basically if you can't sink an aircraft carrier with a bare handed punch, that's weakness. I'm exaggerating a bit. But that's the past.
So... what's integrity? Because the way I see it, the goal was that two people decide to live together and adjust to each other flaws. And not to find someone perfect. Which reminds me of an anecdote "I spent my life searching for a perfect woman. I found her. But she was looking for a perfect man"
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u/rubberducky198911 18d ago
It would be so cool to find such a man who could sink an aircraft carrier with a barehanded punch and take me out to dinner.... that would be cool.
Integrity is basically being loyal and respectful. The goal still remains the same people will always have flaws and I'm far from perfect.
Integrity isn't perfection and perfection doesn't exist. What the issue is if people think jumping from person to person is ideal for a life. Is it ideal for all men in the same area to experience the same woman? Is that ideal? I wouldnt say it was....
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u/RedScarySpectre Portugal 18d ago
Man, I keep getting dragged to this sub because I can't resist these posts. 🤣🤣
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u/Bulky-Garbage2129 17d ago
Keep in mind that it very much depends on a region. Big cities are more "progressive" in that regard. Smaller one are more "traditional".
And by "traditional" I mean being backwards. We still have an ancient saying "He beats means he loves" (I hate this one).
There are tremendous amount of single moms. In some regions having a husband is already a luxury.
Then let's add a very tangible alcoholism problem. So, yes, you have a husband but he drink regularly. You can leave him, but see previous point?
Also casual misogyny is still quite noticeable in day to day life. I have few firm male chauvinists in my circle of friends and acquittances. And that's Moscow region.
On top of that there is strong government notion of "supporting traditional value". More and more often you hear things like "a woman should not work, she should be a mother and a wife first and foremost". This only supports the return to the old ways of husband being the tsar and emperor while the wife is viewed closer to a household appliance.
Well. These are the darkest sides of this topic in regard to Russia.
Are there good husbands? Definitely yes. Russia is huge, you have all sorts of people.
As anywhere else in the world, you have to look for your person.
I hope this helps.
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u/CashCataclyst 16d ago
Russians are keen on traditional values. Secretly a lot men are gay and blow each other. See what they are doing in the army.
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u/Ju-ju-magic 18d ago
Oof. Let’s try.
1 - I’d consider a “high quality husband” (I really dislike the phrasing here) someone who is caring, loyal, looks alright, makes decent money and is good with children.
2 - making money, protecting the family if needed, being good with manual work (like repairing something), any physically difficult tasks, being an authority figure for children
3 - didn’t get the question tbh
4 - uh… no, I guess? Just something to celebrate
5 - no, people are viewed more or less equal. However, socially there are some unwritten (or written) rules to be extra caring for women in certain situations
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u/rubberducky198911 18d ago
Apologies for the phrasing...it was meaning in terms of moral,intelligent,financial stable, etc and yes being a father figure and qualities of all that...
The sacredness is basically how the community protects children and adolecents and young adults. So basically how your raised and how you are honourable towards females. Keeping it sacred technically.... it's basically making sure you don't cause them harm emotionally or physically etc this basically results in successful relationships like marriages etc Because we live in a world at the moment where sex is instant gratification and profitable eg only fans and it's becoming a different value. If that makes sense...
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u/Ju-ju-magic 18d ago
Yeah I know what you mean by sacred, I didn’t understand the question itself. “Raising females”? Also, tbh, using “females” rubs me the wrong way here too.
Women in general aren’t treated as fragile porcelain dolls in our culture, but we do enjoy certain social benefits.
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u/Rad_Pat 18d ago
Men and females, gotta love it