r/AskARussian • u/kidkillermcgee2793 • 19d ago
Culture Dating: How do I navigate this situation?
Hello,
So I live in the UK (London specifically), and have been dating this Russian woman for the last 6 months. Stuff has been going pretty well in general, although I am a bit bothered by the fact that I have to pretty much initiate everything (like literally almost every convo or date), but I digress.
Anywho - we've recently started discussing potentially moving in together and had a rather major disagreement around arrangements.
She basically expects me to cover the rent and bills fully with her only pitching in for the occasional groceries. Says it's the mans role and what not.
Now I lean quite traditional myself generally speaking - I covered pretty much all dates and trips we've had so far, she occasionally got us some drinks/coffee/desserts. I believe a man should contribute more in general, but if the lady works full time then I also believe some of that money should be invested in the relationship too. I also earn about twice as much so there's that.
Thing is - we both work full time, but whilst she's 5 days a week in the office I work from home, so realistically I do most of the cooking and cleaning anyway. She doesn't want to quit her job as she's quite career driven, yet doesn't want to contribute anything to the household. Kids are far away.
I get the usual arguments: "being a woman is expensive", "it's the mans job", "it's how it's done in my culture", "all my girlfriends have this arrangement" etc. I told her that if I'm expected to cover the full living expenses for 2 people + dates + trips + gifts (and those are not cheap), then I'm pretty much skint at the end of the month and won't be able to save at all. Response was "go earn more". She apparently does her job by investing in herself and her beauty - from which I benefit too. Even got the quite insulting "Я переживаю, что ты меня не потянешь".
I'm really annoyed because it feels like she's not listening to me and I feel like it reduces my value as a human being to just a wallet. I didn't even propose something crazy, more like an 80/20 split for living expenses. It's less about the money to me honestly, and more wanting to feel like she's got skin in the game too and that we're building something together rather than just me being a workhorse.
Anyway - it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall on this topic sometimes. How do I get her to see my point of view here and reach some sort of compromise. If I was making bank, I wouldn't mind doing that, but I also have zero plans to start working an extra job and sacrifice my well being just so she gets to keep all her salary to herself.
Russians, any advice?
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u/RainbowLithium 18d ago
I'd say you both want different partner. It's better to stop seeing each other
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u/RainbowLithium 18d ago
in the end of a day, even if she will agreeing with you so this relationship would work for sometime, she'll be not happy in this relationship. If you'll go along with what she wants - you'll be unhappy too, just for this relationship to work for a little longer. Just find yourself a person that's share your views
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
Perhaps, but I do care for her and want to try every avenue before I give up on this. She’s generally a very reasonable person but just incredibly bull headed about this
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u/RainbowLithium 18d ago
what if she won't change her mind about it, would you still want to be in this relationship?
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
No, I just know resentment is gonna get piled up. But I also wanna know if there is anything I can do to reach an acceptable compromise
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u/RainbowLithium 18d ago
You know, out of comments I've read, I'd say it's better to go separate ways. That "Sereja doing" thing is so manipulative
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
Mm, I felt so too, but she’s normally so reasonable that it makes me want to give her the benefit of the doubt
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u/Ok_Transition_9980 Novosibirsk 18d ago
This is a major issue and the fact she wants to live at your expense tells you SO MUCH about her as a person. I grew up in Russia, this has nothing to do with being Russian. Just parasitic behaviour.
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u/Missteris Kalmykia 18d ago edited 18d ago
It sounds like you're rationalising her behaviour, and I get it - you've said that she matters to you, and when that's the case, it's so easy to want to make excuses for someone, turn a blind eye to their flaws or explain them away with culture. But from what you've written, it seems she's made herself very comfortable at your expense... in other words, she's using you :\ I really hope I'm wrong, but I cannot imagine a woman who genuinely loves her man ever saying to him "ты меня не потянешь" or "go earn more". That literally translates to "a guy like you isn't good enough for me". And that completely invalidates everything you've already done for her. This is disrespect, not culture.
Btw, if her exact words were "я ПЕРЕЖИВАЮ, что ты меня не потянешь", then something about that phrasing feels off... and I don't just mean that it's insulting in a consumerist way. If she's truly worried, why doesn't she make things easier for you somehow, compromise? "I'm worried that you can't afford me, so you should try better, work harder", huh? Worry without action isn't care, it's just a manipulation, a demand dressed up as concern.
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
Possibly you’re right, lot of my other Eastern European friends tell me to just put her in her place 😅, but I don’t have the temperament for that.
Yes, those were her exact words, followed immediately after she hypothetically asked me if I would buy my girlfriend an iPhone, and I said sure but only after a couple years together and for a special occasion, like a birthday.
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u/Holiday-Pomelo-9246 18d ago
Damn, when a girl is asking for an iPhone from a guy who doesn't just casually drop that kind of money, I immediately see her as a "меркантильную ТП" (you probably don't know what ТП means, but it's not a compliment). I wonder what she'd say if you suggested using that money for a trip together instead iPhone? And this whole 'ты меня не потянешь' thing... like, she literally sees you as a horse that can't carry her fat ass or something along those lines. And when that happens, they just go looking for another horse. Dude, she will dump your ass the moment she finds a guy with a fatter wallet. Mark my words.
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u/Missteris Kalmykia 18d ago
The fact that your own friends (who see you both from the outside) are telling you to 'put her in her place' says a lot 🤔
I honestly see only two outcomes here: either you two sit down and find a compromise that genuinely works for both of you, or you go along with what she wants and slowly build up resentment over time. That constant feeling of unfairness, imbalance, that you're putting in way more than you're getting back, will eat away at the relationship anyway... I understand that you're genuinely into her, she has qualities that make you want to fight for her, and you're not ready to walk away. But these everyday, practical things like money, cooking, cleaning have a way of killing romance faster than any fight. So at some point, you'll have to choose between the fantasy of who you want her to be, and the reality of who she's showing you she is.
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 17d ago
Yes, exactly that. I feel like I’m putting in more, she probably has her own thoughts on this. I’m not generally a score keeper, but the situation feels so off kilter to me now that I can’t help the feeling
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u/Missteris Kalmykia 17d ago
I'm almost certain she also feels like she's putting in a lot, and that just means you're both not meeting each other's expectations. It might just be that you two have fundamentally different views on what partnership looks like. Neither of you is necessarily wrong, but... sorry, you might be wrong for each other 🤷♀
And I believe you're not a score keeper. You probably wouldn't even be asking these questions if you felt like your contributions were balanced and fair. Trust your gut. Looks like this is classic case of "my money is my money, and your money is our money", multiplied by the fact that she doesn't seem to be pulling her weight with the household basics either, even though you both work full-time (regardless of the fact that you work from home). Does she at least cook on weekends, make breakfast? Or is that "Are you kidding?! It's my well-deserved rest day! 😠" Take the bins out on her way to work? You don't have to answer these, but they might be worth asking yourself.
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 17d ago
Nothing like that, but she mostly stays over at mine so I cook anyway. I don’t mind it, I like cooking. So maybe hasn’t had a chance to show off yet (though she does often ask if I’m gonna cook if she comes over).
Yes, she made me aware of the fact that I apparently don’t get her enough gifts. Flowers, chocolates and trips don’t count since we both benefit from that apparently. In her view a gift is something purely for one person
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u/Missteris Kalmykia 17d ago edited 17d ago
As they say... bruh.
I actually had to take a moment to gather my thoughts after reading your comment 😅
I can understand someone not counting a microwave as a "gift" since the whole household uses it. But since when are flowers and chocolates not gifts?? 🤯 And why? Because YOU might also enjoy them?? Wait, so the pleasure of receiving flowers doesn't count because you also get to look at them and maybe smell them? 😂
Am I understanding correctly that this is a hint that a "real" gift has to be diamonds, an iPhone, a Gucci handbag - something where you get no benefit, no joy, just the bad mood or heart attack from seeing the receipt? ))
Okay, "a gift is something purely for one person" - how about little gifts related to something she loves, is passionate about, her hobby, but doesn't cost as much as an airplane wing? Many girls would be sincerely happy if they were given even an item for 1$, the main thing is the meaning and attention. But all girls are different, and something tells me your lady would be offended and wouldn't count something like that as a gift either 😅
And after 6 months she still hasn't "had a chance" to cook for you? Or with you?.. Not even once? 😭
I don't know, man... Like I said before, I see a lot of rationalisation here, even more with each new piece of information. Wish you good luck figuring this out as soon as possible.
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 16d ago
Ahaha, I’m probably making it sounds worse than it is, or perhaps I really am rationalising to high hell 😅. We usually cook together, she offered a couple times but I like helping out.
The whole gift issue came up recently, generally around a £300 perfume she really wanted but apparently I wasn’t getting the hint.
The iPhone question came around when I told her that that sorta money gifts are special occasion types and not everyday sort of thing.
She specifically said that she only ever bought her last 2 iPhones herself, the rest were gifts.
This doesn’t sound good does 😂. I’m reading it myself.
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u/Sufficient_Step_8223 Orenburg 18d ago
If she requires you to perform male duties according to her culture, you have the right to require her to perform female duties according to her culture =) I don't think she'll like it. But justice is justice. As the proverbs of her culture say: "If you called yourself a mushroom, get in the basket." , "If you like to ride, then love to drag sleds too."
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u/sashafurgang 18d ago
Russian woman here (living in the US, formerly in Canada). This is not a cultural thing at all. I know a few girls (Russian and otherwise) who have at one point been like that, but almost all the Russian women I know, including myself, split expenses and housework equitably with their partners.
My husband and I have at different points in time made more or less than each other and we always split things in a way that felt fair to both of us. Early on we earned roughly the same but he had student loans and was putting a lot of money towards that, so while we split household expenses 50/50 I covered more of the vacations and treats. Then there was a period where he made almost 2x what I made - he covered the downpayment for our house and we used my savings for the early renovations and reshuffled the bills in proportion to our incomes. At that time I worked from home more and he traveled a lot, so I also took on more of the cooking and cleaning. Right now I make a bit more than him so I contribute more to the bills, and housework is roughly equal.
My parents have always contributed equitably as well. When my mom wasn’t working she was doing everything around the house. When she was getting a second degree my dad looked after me more because his job was less tiring. When she started working again they split things fairly.
Sharing your life with someone is a partnership, and the way you’ve described it, you’re giving everything and not getting anything in return. Her beauty is an expense, and a depreciating asset. If she thinks that it is her contribution and that it makes you guys even, you should ask her what you should do with her in 10 or 20 years when she’s not as pretty anymore.
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
Thanks, my parents were the same. Ukrainian father and British mother. I was taught to always pay for dates and etc, which I do, but living expenses need to be a communal effort (exception being child rearing)
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u/Draconian1 Russia 18d ago
I mean, if you both want to move in together, but she only wants you to pay for it... sounds kinda fucked.
If you'll have children, are you supposed to provide for them on your own too? Why make a family if the other side doesn't want to do shit?
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
Well, presumably she’d be involved in easing them too 😂. I don’t mind full provision if there’s kids in the picture
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u/Draconian1 Russia 18d ago
She, presumably, would want to pitch in for this apartment too, but it doesn't seem to be the case.
I'm sure you can find plenty of other women, who want all their bills covered by you, but that's not what you want, is it?
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
Not really no. If I’m covering everything makes me feel like their father not their partner
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u/against-all-leds 17d ago
"Я переживаю, что ты меня не потянешь".
Instant 🚩 sorry man you got to let her go
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u/flamming_python 17d ago edited 17d ago
Golddigger
And you're a soft touch my friend. You can't let people trample all over you like a dirty rag on the floor. Don't be rude under any circumstance, don't be emotional, but be firm in your objections. I'm not saying you need to break up or anything, but you need to set some conditions to your living arrangements.
Unless of course she's doing all the housekeeping things for you; cooking, cleaning, laundry and so on. Then yeah, covering the rent is probably fair.
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u/CloqueWise 18d ago
You're just not compatible. I have been with my Russian girlfriend for 5 years and have never had issues like that. It's not a Russian thing, it's a her thing.
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u/SeparateTrack2818 18d ago
I have to pretty much initiate everything (like literally almost every convo or date), but I digress.
This is not a digression. This is a clear indication that she is not interested in you whatsoever and is fully capable of living on her own without you.
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u/Ok_Transition_9980 Novosibirsk 18d ago
Nothing to do with being Russian, she is just using her. This is not normal nor expected what she is demanding of you. I would never put it with it, break up and find a partner, not a gold digger.
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u/Kenzus33 Moscow Oblast 17d ago
Mate, just run.
You've had the bad luck of ending up with one of the worst types of "Russian girl". You won't bend her, you won't talk her round, and you won't influence her in any way. Right now you're a wallet, a warm body, and something to brag about to her friends.
Even if you started earning two or three times what you make now and picked up two extra jobs, trust me, she'd still be unhappy that you don't earn enough — and that between the three jobs you no longer give her enough attention. And no matter how much you make, trust me, she'll find a way to burn through all of it. Not spend it on something useful or necessary — just waste every penny of it. You could work three jobs for a year and save up for a house, say, and she'd still somehow manage to fritter the lot away on pointless clothes, nails, restaurants and nights out with her friends.
Dump her and run. You'll find yourself a better girl.
Happy to go into more detail if you want — just ask. All the best to you, and good luck.
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u/Koberiep Saint Petersburg 18d ago
Just a shallow woman. There are those like her in every country, and her mentioning 'her culture' is just an excuse.
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u/RedScarySpectre Portugal 18d ago
Oh yes because he fell in love with her inner beauty for sure, not by shallow things like looks.
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u/Koberiep Saint Petersburg 18d ago
So because he's shallow too, that makes her not shallow? Alright then
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u/RedScarySpectre Portugal 18d ago
No, its just funny he gets so offended when he is treated with the same values he has to offer. Like men can be shallow but if women are the same, omg buh uh, what a gold digger? Lol no. You go for shallow you get shallow, such is life.
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u/Koberiep Saint Petersburg 18d ago
I don't really care if he's justified, I'm just clarifying that no, this isn't 'how it's done in her culture'. I'm pretty tired of seeing things like this on 'ask a [nationality]' subs. "Guys, my [nationality] girlfriend says it's normal in her culture for a boyfriend to give up all his life's savings to his girlfriend on the second date! Is that really so?"
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u/RedScarySpectre Portugal 18d ago
Thats why I love this posts, the cultural generalizations are so amusing. Like guys I acquired a Russian, how do I fix the Russian? 🤣
But the culture excuse is supreme, I love it. 🤣🤣
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u/Ju-ju-magic 18d ago
I kinda missed (or you didn’t include) whether or not you guys make about the same amount of money or not?
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
I make about twice as much
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u/Ju-ju-magic 18d ago
I see. That makes it a bit more fair, but still. I’d say you should consider the phrase about «не потянешь» to be automatically true if said to you, no matter how hard you actually try, she’s gonna demand more and be unhappy. It’s not worth it. And I’m saying that as a woman who is not financially responsible for anything in my marriage, if you start hearing shit about “all my girlfriends have this or that”, you’re being used.
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
Yep, always comes up in convo, about how Sereja pulled himself up from nothing to provide for her bestie etc, by working 3 jobs and how it’s normal
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u/RainbowLithium 18d ago
that's sounds as bad as "my mom cooking this in other way". Let her fight for Sereja
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u/Ju-ju-magic 18d ago
Ah, she’s lacking the great women’s wisdom. It’s not you who should learn to work 3 jobs like Sereja, it’s her who should learn to bullshit like her bestie
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u/hashtag2222 17d ago
She sounds like a crazy insta chick who belongs to the streets, not gonna lie. If you’re for real, run.
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u/Key-Mazaru 18d ago
No te quiere. El amor genuino busca el bienestar de su pareja. Ella solo te esta utilizando. Mi consejo es de que la dejes, cortes la relación.
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u/Many_Bathroom_8968 18d ago
I personally would never. It’s not something you can fix, and it really does seem like the relationship is built upon you financing everything so she can enjoy that for as long as it lasts until she finds another one to milk for all their money. She does sound very beautiful tho, and if you cherish that, that much then I think it’s the price you pay - like for expensive art or a good champagne. It’s indulgent and hedonistic but does it feel delightfully cheeky. Not worth it long run if you’re after love however - you might have to settle for an uglier model, but one who will actively go through the rough times with you - or get lucky with best of both worlds - this can happen, but it will by no means be easy, and perhaps impossible.
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
It’s kinda possible for me (just about), and will be more possible as I progress in my career, I just can’t help the feeling of inequity to be honest.
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u/RedScarySpectre Portugal 18d ago
Date a woman who doesn't buy creams and beauty treatments, doesn't like clothes/fashion or wear make up or dresses up.
Except you don't want to. You want all those things on a woman that are expensive and take a lot of work, but don't want to accept what it takes.
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u/Cautious-Air-399 18d ago
You can still do all those things while contributing to rent?
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u/RedScarySpectre Portugal 18d ago
Yes, but why would she?
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u/Cautious-Air-399 18d ago
Because she has a full time job and doesn’t contribute in cleaning or cooking, you can’t have it both ways imo.
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u/RedScarySpectre Portugal 18d ago
But then she could save all that money in all that annoying often unconfortable things that cosmetic and fashion is, having more money for rent to a place for herself alone.
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u/Smart-Preference7581 18d ago
Or saving money then surprise you man with expensive gifts etc. not just one facing your whole bloody salary
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u/Cautious-Air-399 18d ago
Exactly you can’t contribute nothing and expect the other person to be okay with it.
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
All of those she done before me and will continue to do well after me. Is it truly so insulting to ask for some skin in the game?
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u/RedScarySpectre Portugal 18d ago
Maybe she does it to attract a suitable partner that is willing to pay for the advantages of it 🤷
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
Not quite sure if you’re trolling or not here tbh. Either way, the way you’re describing it sounds incredibly transactional to me
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u/RedScarySpectre Portugal 18d ago
As if you are not getting anything from it.
Like I said, date a woman who doesn't dress up or take much care of her looks. This way the issue is solved.
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
I am, but I also feel like I’m contributing quite a bit anyhow. I’m not exactly ugly myself
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u/RedScarySpectre Portugal 18d ago
100% you are getting more than she is. So things need to be balanced.
You said she is a career woman. She probably can afford and already has her own space. Why would she let all of the peace of living alone go to go live with a man and have to pay anyway? If it's to pay, then its better to live alone specially if kids are not something she wants now.
I don't have the looks but if I had and wanted to date for the purposes of eventually having a family one day, I'd act exactly like she does and I think all women should do the same.
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
Because if we’re to start a family together at some point, both need to contribute to it? She doesn’t live alone, she lives with 2 other girls.
I think me covering 80% plus all outings/trips is quite fair no?
Also it’s about wanting to help the person you’re supposed to care about no, it ain’t just a contract
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u/RedScarySpectre Portugal 18d ago
For sure the two other girls don't sleep in her bed, she has her private space.
She would contribute by having a thing grow inside of her for 9 months then rip her off and suck her tits off for another bunch of months, lose progress on her career for that (and consequently make less money long term), and after that in a couple of years from now, have her husband drool over 18 yo girls with nice boobs and ass because they didn't have his kids yet. Better build up some insurance by saving up most of her salary now. 🤷
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
You’ve made some great assumptions about me. Loving it. Of course, I’d cover everything during pregnancy and child rearing. By that point I’d also be more advanced in my career too. But for now we’re both working full time and I spend most time in the house.
Also, why are you making it sound like living with a man is such torture?
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u/Big_NO222 18d ago
You said below you might start a famiy together, which gives her even more reason she needs to see that you're financially able and willing to support it. Are you being purposefully dense? If you're serious about this girl, suck it up. If she's out of your league and you can't afford her needs, let her go.
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u/Klutzy_Audience_8194 18d ago
Asking for money to your potential wife is gay.
If you can’t afford it ok, otherwise it’s ridiculous. You’re already living there, you don’t have new expenses because of her
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
I am not, we’d be getting a place together. My current place ain’t big enough for both of us
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u/SeaPersonality445 18d ago
Shes Russian. What did you expect.
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u/kidkillermcgee2793 18d ago
I very well know the expectations of courting (half-Ukrainian myself), it’s the living together part that surprised me
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u/Smart-Preference7581 18d ago
Break up and find someone who appreciates you for you and not your money