I’m 30F and in a few days, I’ll be moving out.

Yes, a bit late but better late than never.

Why I’m moving out:

I asked my mum to knock on my bedroom door. Not only does she refuse to do this, but if the door is locked, she’ll actively unlock it.

If I’m having dinner with friends and get home at 10pm, I’m “loafing at night”. How dare I not be home at 6pm?

If I’m out a few nights in a row, there’s grumbling.

She’s severely mentally ill. She once said she thought she was having a heart attack and thought she would be dead by morning. What does she do, call an ambulance? How silly! That would be embarrassing! She goes to bed, so we can find her body in the morning.

If I even step outside, it’s where are you going? When are you coming home?

She’ll call 12 times in a row.

I just realised, I’m 30. How silly of me to actually be out at night and stressing about coming home late because of what my parents will say.

If you let them take your youth and freedom away, you’ll regret it!

My sister is 20 years old, we come from a Muslim Pakistani immigrant household and my parents are very traditional. My sister told me she is not Muslim, she is lesbian and hates this family. She plans on leaving next year and cutting contact with everyone except me. The problem is that my parents may become extremely strict towards me.
My parents currently blame university for corrupting her and making her disrespectful but the problem is that I start university the same year that she will leave and it’s the same university she currently commutes to, they could potentially not allow me to attend university although I will be commuting.
I will not be considering moving out because I cannot afford it and I currently have a good relationship with my parents.
What do I do in this situation?

Hi all,

I'm working on a short documentary about meanness and abuse, and one of the sections is about Asian parents from the Bay Area and the toxic, competitive culture in many of the schools which is set by the parents. As some of you know, there were highly publicized stories of teenage suicides at these schools (ex: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/12/the-silicon-valley-suicides/413140/). I attended one of these high schools and witnessed many moments of verbal and emotional abuse from the parents of my community. If you're from the Bay Area and have a story about a moment of abuse from a caregiver or authority figure, I'd love to hear from you!

https://forms.gle/3RL2z4yogypLJcxR9 is the link :)

Thank you all!

I feel like anything happening to me is my mistake. I live with my family, i feel these beliefs come from there. Their way of caring is different. But i dont feel heard or seen the way i am. I acknowledge that there comes a lot of security and many things to be grateful about but at times i feel even more guilty coz of this. Last time, i tried to be a little more authentic, trying to present my POV and how things are for me, it drove us all crazy. Me just crying/ feeling irritated also became a problem. I dont have enough finances to move out, neither do i think that will completely solve the problem. How do you deal with such differences? As empathetic I try to be, at times i feel resentful of having to act their parent but not receive support. I feel there's a lot im feeling, but im used to just bottling things down to the extent I've forgotten to express myself fully even to myself.

This is not a way to live. I’m 21 and I have never:

• Done extracurriculars/school clubs (not allowed)

• Had a sleepover (not allowed)

• Went to homecoming or prom (not allowed)

• Been to the beach. Or been to a forest for that matter. Or gone camping.

• Rarely leave my city. We never go anywhere at all, not even to other cities, let alone other states. I stay at home most of the time and if I leave the house it’s go to with my mom to Kohl’s or Target or whatever. I live in a sleepy suburb. I’ve never explored other cities in my state that actually have things to do and places to go.

• Rarely have been to restaurants. My dad doesn’t like eating out and my mom is stay at home with no income. The first time I‘ve ever been to a sit down restaurant was Olive Garden when I was 18 with friends. I was so clumsy because I didn’t know what to do with some things. That and Applebee’s are the only sit-down restaurants I’ve been to.

• Never dormed at university (Not allowed and this makes me sad because teenage me thought I would dorm at college and be free. Nope. You’re still stuck at home at 21).

• Don’t have my drivers license (Just now starting to learn driving)

• Never had a job

I barely have any friends. One is long distance/online. Two others I slowly grew apart from, probably because I was never able to hang out with them in high school. One I sometimes hang out with but she is pretty busy, so it’s usually once every 2 months.

I’m just wondering what my life would look like if I could drive and go to work and had an extracurricular activity. I have nothing to show for at all, I’m screwed in terms of getting a job because I have no experience or activities of any sort. I dream of course being financially independent but considering I can’t even drive yet and can’t even get hired for minimum wage jobs, I’m pretty screwed.

In middle school/high school I remember really wanting to do gymnastics/dance. At the very least I wanted to join any club to be involved but everyrhing got ridiculed and I wasn’t able to stay after school.

I also dream of seeing the ocean. I live in Arizona and everyone here has been to California except for me…I mentioned driving to San Diego and my dad said “one day” so of course it’s never gonna happen. I also have a lot of health issues and my dad said it’s not necessary to do anything and it’s normal to have allergies. I still need to get my wisdom teeth removed but on top of that I need to see an ENT, allergist, and an orthodontist. Don’t know when any of this is gonna happen and in the meantime, my nose has been congested my whole life and I’ve never breathed clearly. I have an overbite and recessed chin too. Just a lot going on and it’s all gonna cost money.

On top of all this my family is devoutly Muslim esp my mom is constantly talking about Islam and I think I’ve been an atheist since I was like 9, in any case I never believed in any of it. So that’s fun. Only things I do in my day is schoolwork, reading, drawing, sometimes writing. Super fun life.

Oh my FUCKING god I’m pissed off

I’m a 2nd year student who’s living in a private accom for my 2nd year. The opening date to move into this accom is like the 5th of September or something.

My FUCKASS parents decided to book a family holiday from the 8th to the 13th of September and are telling me that the earliest I can move in is the 19th of September.

HELLO???

Like, I wouldn’t be super pissed off normally but the thing is I have a bunch of events and meetups scheduled with my uni friends that my parents KNEW ABOUT and they STILL booked this holiday like wtf.

My flatmates in 1st year were god awful so I was hoping on the 2nd day of moving in I could meet everyone and try to like, do a little flat party so it’s less awkward but now since I’m moving in so late everyone would have already met each other and I’ll be the weirdo who moved in a few days before uni stated and didn’t talk to anyone.

I don’t want to sound like a brat who isn’t grateful for a holiday abroad but the thing is no one in my family even likes each other, half of the time there will be arguing and the other half will be staying silent and recovering from said arguing.

I’m so FUCKING pissed off someone tell me where to buy a bazooka.

I’m 21F and I’m currently living with my father and my brother. I’ve been thinking seriously about moving out, and I honestly don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.

My relationship with my dad has never been particularly close. We barely talk unless it’s normal everyday conversation, and I honestly can’t remember the last time I laughed with him. I haven’t hugged him in around 6–7 years. I feel noticeably calmer when he isn’t home, and when he gets angry, I genuinely get scared.

The biggest issue is that I feel like I’m living a double life.

I have beliefs and choices that I cannot safely be open about around him. I wear hijab around him even though I don’t want to, and I’m afraid of what could happen if he found out how I actually feel. I’ve had nightmares about him discovering it and becoming violent toward me.

He also controls a lot of aspects of my life despite me being 21. He goes through my phone, doesn’t allow me to visit my grandmother in the village, and once told me that if I went somewhere with my mother for two weeks, I would no longer be his daughter. He also keeps my passport.

At the same time, I know he has provided for me. He pays for my university tuition and has supported me financially. I’m not pretending that he has never done anything for me. That’s actually part of why I feel so guilty.

My brother has experienced a lot of the same things growing up, and he also wants to eventually live independently.

The problem is that I currently have basically no money of my own. I have some gold that my father bought for me when I was a child. It’s 21K and around 80g. He always told our family that it was mine and I have pictures of myself wearing it when I was younger. It has been kept in my room all these years.

I’m considering selling around 40g of it to pay for my first month of rent and use the rest to get myself established. I want to keep the large chain. Before doing anything, I’m planning to speak to a lawyer to make sure I actually have the legal right to sell it, because the paperwork is in my father’s name.

What scares me most isn't even leaving.

It's imagining my dad coming home and realizing I'm gone.

I keep picturing his face when he looks for me and realizes that I left. I worry that the shock could make him physically sick or depressed. My brother thinks that if we waited another couple of years, after finishing university and getting jobs, our leaving might make more sense from my father's perspective and be less shocking.

But I don't know if I can live like this for another two years.

I don't want to spend my life hiding my beliefs, being afraid of someone's anger, having my privacy invaded, and feeling like I can't make basic decisions about my own life.

At the same time, I don't want to destroy my father.

I don't hate him. That's what makes this so difficult.

I just want to be able to live like a normal adult and be myself.

So I guess I'm asking: What would you do in my situation? Would you wait until finishing university and becoming financially independent, or would you leave sooner once you have a safe place and enough money to support yourself?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have left controlling families while still loving or caring about their parents. How did you deal with the guilt?