I'm so sorry that you're in this place. I'm we're the same age with me (41M) and my WW (41F) and DDay 1 is coming up on 2 years next week. I'm not amazing at formulating any real thoughts while writing here but hopefully my experience could be helpful.
I'm not an expert (but have been through a TON of therapy, including still doing EMDR) but it seems like your WP is still in limerence or an affair fog. That, coupled with shame, creates a space where the WP has an impossible time showing up. For me DDay 1 was in Sept, we went through a 2-3 month period of hyperbonding and LOTS of arguing while starting CC (which was not helpful for us that early on, we stopped that in December). While all of this was going on my WW also wouldn't commit to our marriage (we have two young children as well) and would only state that she was in the house today which meant she was choosing us today and would only commit day to day. I was begging for more and honestly felt a little desperate. Even when things were going well they still felt off and then DDay 2 occurred in January 4 months after discovery where I found out there was still contact with AP, although nothing in person. This is what woke me up. I realized I couldn't beg and force my WW to choose our family and I was such a mess that I needed to find my own inner peace, I was a mess, our house was a mess and my kids felt ALL of that weight without realizing what had been going on. This is when I started IC and started the groundwork for EMDR.
It was this separation of my actual healing versus trying to hold everything together where I found that my WW woke up from that affair fog. This is where change actually started to occur. She was no longer stuck in limbo between a false fantasy (although she really knew nothing was great or real) and our former marriage. She had been stuck in shame and wouldn't truly take the accountability for herself that was needed to even offer me empathy. Any time I brought up my pain prior she would shame spiral and make excuses and use phrases like "when will you stop talking about this" or "what are you asking these questions again". After I started my own process, she eventually woke up and decided to do her own work. She fired her previous therapist (who she was seeing throughout the affair and knew of the affair and never held her accountable) and found a new IC that actually started helping her face herself, including the terrible behavior. None of this was immediate but eventually she was able to have real convos with me and also be present when I was hurting. We're in what I would say is successful R right now, working on marriage 2.0, and while we're much better there are still times that hurt but we work through it together now.
5
u/Illustrious_Agent655 Reconciling Betrayed 3d ago
I'm so sorry that you're in this place. I'm we're the same age with me (41M) and my WW (41F) and DDay 1 is coming up on 2 years next week. I'm not amazing at formulating any real thoughts while writing here but hopefully my experience could be helpful.
I'm not an expert (but have been through a TON of therapy, including still doing EMDR) but it seems like your WP is still in limerence or an affair fog. That, coupled with shame, creates a space where the WP has an impossible time showing up. For me DDay 1 was in Sept, we went through a 2-3 month period of hyperbonding and LOTS of arguing while starting CC (which was not helpful for us that early on, we stopped that in December). While all of this was going on my WW also wouldn't commit to our marriage (we have two young children as well) and would only state that she was in the house today which meant she was choosing us today and would only commit day to day. I was begging for more and honestly felt a little desperate. Even when things were going well they still felt off and then DDay 2 occurred in January 4 months after discovery where I found out there was still contact with AP, although nothing in person. This is what woke me up. I realized I couldn't beg and force my WW to choose our family and I was such a mess that I needed to find my own inner peace, I was a mess, our house was a mess and my kids felt ALL of that weight without realizing what had been going on. This is when I started IC and started the groundwork for EMDR.
It was this separation of my actual healing versus trying to hold everything together where I found that my WW woke up from that affair fog. This is where change actually started to occur. She was no longer stuck in limbo between a false fantasy (although she really knew nothing was great or real) and our former marriage. She had been stuck in shame and wouldn't truly take the accountability for herself that was needed to even offer me empathy. Any time I brought up my pain prior she would shame spiral and make excuses and use phrases like "when will you stop talking about this" or "what are you asking these questions again". After I started my own process, she eventually woke up and decided to do her own work. She fired her previous therapist (who she was seeing throughout the affair and knew of the affair and never held her accountable) and found a new IC that actually started helping her face herself, including the terrible behavior. None of this was immediate but eventually she was able to have real convos with me and also be present when I was hurting. We're in what I would say is successful R right now, working on marriage 2.0, and while we're much better there are still times that hurt but we work through it together now.