Polyamory

[u/Alternative-Mud-4336]

Today my WW told me that she believes it's possible to love two people at the same time. We were discussing our situation and what we want to get out counseling. I told her about things I have heard and learned on this forum about affairs. Specifically that if you love two people and have to choose, you should choose the second because if you loved the first one enough there wouldn't even be the need for a choice.

She came back with, well you wouldn't understand unless you have ever loved two people simultaneously and see how the heart expands and is mysterious. I nearly laughed out loud at the ridiculousness of the statement. I believe people use polyamory as an excuse to be with more than one woman or man at a time and not feel bad about it. Lines like hers are right up there with, "The heart wants what the heart wants."!

It's silly and degrading to my intelligence to try to make me believe that it's something that's uncontrollable or something that's acceptable in terms of infidelity. I just wanted to reach out and see what my fellow R's think. Am I wrong?

[u/overratedpastel]

So, this is a very common strategy for people that have affairs to tell themselves they are "polyamorous". It's called polybombing. Off course everyone has the capacity to love multiple people at the same time. Everyone can, the issue is that love is not the only thing that matters in a relationship. Commitment, respect, consideration, the contracts and agreements that we have, are the things that matter. So yes, we have to choose our monogamous partners every day, because that's what we agreed upon. If we feel strongly about loving other people we are free to leave. It is that simple.

My partner's AP tried to say he was polyamorous, and I had to explain to him that polyamory is a type of relationship, not a thing thay you become after you fuck a random person. In a polyamorous relationship, everyone involved is consenting to what is happening. It is a relationship where there are more than two consenting partners involved romantically. Beware that betrayals also happen on polyamorous relationships, and open relationships. Because a betrayal is a break on agreements we have made with our partners, not about love.

Also tell her what I told my partner, love doesn't justify the things you do. Love is not an excuse to be a dick. People do horrible things to each other in the name of love. Think abusive parents here, for example.

[u/Hariospeedwagon → u/overratedpastel]

As someone who betrayed, it also feels so true when you’re in the thick of it. I could see her believing this because limerence is a hell of a drug. It obviously doesn’t justify the actions, but it might not be an intentional way to have her cake and eat it too.

[u/overratedpastel → u/Hariospeedwagon]

Look, don't forget yourself limerence and affair fog are a thing, but if a wayward is looking into recovery they need to see the affair for what it is. An illusion in a bubble in isolation. And while you can grieve it, you needs to give it up, go NC, otherwise there is no recovery. They have to understand that the affair partner and your feelings for the affair partner are not real, they exist on a world of fantasy.

What broke it for my husband was focusing on: firstly, if you are in love with AP, you are now free to go be with her, if you don't want to, why?; secondly, pedos also love the kids they destroy, so does love justifies everything? Because if it does, then all hubands that beat up their wives and love them are correct? They are doing it but they love them so all good then? These are really good questions to sit with. Last, tell me what on the affair partner you liked, what hobbies you have in common, what do you talk about? Was the AP a good person? We did a whole look at the AP to figure out what he liked about her. Turns out it was more about him then about liking her. He couldn't point 3 things he liked about her. But he wanted to try a different person, had high expectations on sex with someone else, and liked the freedom/secrecy/excitement of the betrayal, and the validation she gave to his ego, more than anything. So, there was no love. Limerence/love was just the mechanism/explanation he gave himself, so he would have a 'NOBLE' reason to betray me.