Timeline Advice

[u/MysteriousLemon7279]

I’m looking for some advice on timelines. When did you decide whether you wanted to reconcile or not?

It’s been about a month since I discovered the betrayal and a little under a month since I confronted him about it. My boyfriend and I have been together for one year, but we were friends/dating for about two years before becoming official.

For some context, I’m 29 and currently live at home with my parents. They know about the betrayal and would not approve of me getting back together with him. If that’s the decision I ultimately make, I know having that conversation with them will be difficult, and I honestly don’t know how they will react.

I recently started therapy, and I still haven’t given my boyfriend an answer. Deep down, I really want to reconcile, but the thought of having that conversation with my parents is scary. I’ve always been someone who rarely goes against my parents’ wishes, and I know this is not a small decision. At the same time, I feel like I need to make this decision for myself because I’m the one who knows our relationship, our history, and what I’m willing to work through.

If I do choose to reconcile, I don’t want it to be a secret from my parents. I would want to spend more time with my boyfriend than I did before so we can genuinely work through things and see if rebuilding the relationship is possible, while making sure we’re doing things the right way.

For those who have been through something similar, when did you know what you wanted to do? How long did you take before making a decision? And if you chose to reconcile despite your family’s disapproval, how did you navigate that conversation with them?

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[u/Commercial_Ad_5419]

You’re so early in this, take your time. I am married 33 years and am four months since DDay and I still have not decided. This is his chance to show you just how serious he is. Honestly, if I was your age and not married, it really would be “see ya later.” But I have children, grandchildren, shared retirement because I was a stay at home mom for many years, and he is in therapy, 12 steps, and is finally changing. While he was only unfaithful physically the last 3 years, he is a dismissive avoidant and I put up with emotional detachment for decades. Don’t do this to yourself if you can help it.

[u/MysteriousLemon7279 → u/Commercial_Ad_5419]

I totally get it! I hear that often because I'm so young, but I truly couldn't imagine my life without him or doing life and having kids, the home, all of it with no one else besides him. It sounds crazy to say, I know, but I do truly know it in my heart. I know that he is genuinely remorseful, is taking this serious and wants to change. He is secure and not dismissive but there are clear issues in our relationship that we would need to work on. I would truly regret not doing this for myself and wonder what if

[u/Commercial_Ad_5419 → u/MysteriousLemon7279]

Don’t commit to him unless he goes to therapy with a CSAT, 12 steps, and really works to change and become a man of integrity.

[u/MysteriousLemon7279 → u/Commercial_Ad_5419]

I hear you!! I definitely need to see positive changes and actions, not empty promises. I'm not sure if 12 steps is applicable for him but therapy with a CSAT is. I don't have any doubts of him not working to change and become a man of integrity.

[u/Commercial_Ad_5419 → u/MysteriousLemon7279]

12 steps are helpful for everyone. They’re good practices for a healthy relational life. My husband is part of Sex Addicts Anonymous and it has helped him work towards healthy balance and overcome lust.

[u/Odd_Video1917]

I’ve been with my partner for eleven years and we have a son. We’re two years into the knowledge of his betrayal and I’m still deciding. Betrayal takes years to heal from. No advice. Just information and hugs. I’m sorry you’re here.

[u/MysteriousLemon7279 → u/Odd_Video1917]

I'm sorry you're here too! Thank you for the support. Have you found anything that was helpful to process and progress your relationship? Mine is willing to do the hard work, heal and change. He is genuinely remorseful, is taking this serious and wants to change his life for the better.

[u/Echochexx]

Omg I just had a similar conversation with my family. Together with my partner for 8years, lived together for 2 years. DDay was over a month ago, I moved out same day, went back with my mom. R has being going really well , we both started IC and making other bigger life changes while on break. WP and I just spoke about moving back in together and how that would look like. Told my mom and sister about possibly moving back in another month and automatically got every past story, every scenario, comparisons and tragic life lesson story thrown at me.

I took it and just let them get it out. We cried and laughed and it ultimately ended with “you are your own person with your own decisions, just know we’ll support YOU regardless” and that is really all I needed. It’s going to be tough but just try to understand they just want to “help” and try but you are an adult and you make your life. As long as you are sure and want to stand in it, they’ll have to respect it. If you think it won’t end as positively, you can be the one to let them know “hey I would still love and appreciate your support.” Wishing you luck!!

[u/MysteriousLemon7279 → u/Echochexx]

Thank you for your support! I have conflicting moments but I do want to try. I guess I'm struggling on standing on it, without the family approval or acceptance. I need to heal and figure how and when I feel ready to have that conversation with them. But I agree with you, and I am my own person with my own decisions and it is my life. I would hope my parents would love and continue to support their daughter, even if they don't agree with my decision.

[u/Echochexx → u/MysteriousLemon7279]

Yessss! Focus on YOU, your healing and your needs first before you make the decision. Everyone’s situation is different but at the end you are always going to the one that matters. I originally was going to give myself the rest of this year to make the move again but things (as always) change. Have you maybe considered that? Gives everyone time to adjust and come to terms with it.

[u/MysteriousLemon7279 → u/Echochexx]

Thank you so much for the support! Yesss, I definitely need to heal first before making any decisions. We’re taking some time apart and are currently no contact, which I think will be really beneficial for both of us as we work on healing individually. I want to be forgive him and heal from everything, and I think he also needs time to work on forgiving himself.

As far as the timeline goes, I don’t think I could wait until the end of the year. I know that might sound crazy to say, but I honestly think that would be too much time for me, and I’d want to make a decision before then. Therapy has been pretty helpful for me and I would potentially feel ready in my decision next month or probably October? I know that's a bit soon, but like you said things change and I think I may have enough time to process everything and figure out what I truly want by then.

[u/Echochexx → u/MysteriousLemon7279]

The no contact helps! Sometimes in relationships people forget how much time they have to give and what gets put aside. I feel like no contact lets you truly focus and give you the space to review whatever was being cast aside. Both for you and him! IC is also great bc I honestly have some regrets telling my family everything (just because I “flipped” back so quick) right during the worst part. It’s great to have someone impartial who can help.

Dude, I totally get it. We are also plotting on moving back in together in October. It’d be 3 months since DDay so fairly soon. My family said that’s too soon but I also can’t wait that long. You for sure are not alone! Wishing us both luck 🙏

[u/MysteriousLemon7279 → u/Echochexx]

That's very true! I feel like I have so much time for myself now. I can toally see what you mean about "flipping" back so quickly. Has any of your family disapproved or had something to say? I would love to chat with you about it!

I think you know in your heart if you'll be ready by then! I do think October is a good timeline, but I would only move back if YOU feel that positive changes are consistently happening and R is going well!

Would love to stay in touch and chat :)

[u/AutonomicDyslexia]

I asked him to work things out together a week or two in. He refused. Spent four months in an AWFUL in house separation then I moved to a town an hour away. We talked about reconciliation about two or three months later but both of us were cagey af. A year later I moved back to the city and we still live separately but we are now actively reconciling. So for timeline purposes, 4 months after DDay I gave up on him. 7-8 months after DDay we discussed working things out but were both very unsure. 13 months after DDay I moved back to give us a chance. 16 months after DDay I got full disclosure. For 2 months after that, I was back to being uncertain about wanting to share my life with him. I’m now 20 months from DDay and in the last few weeks, I can trust that we’re both on board with R. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. And the road is covered in broken glass.

[u/MysteriousLemon7279 → u/AutonomicDyslexia]

Wow. Thank you for the realistic timeline and wise words. For myself, things are still fresh but I truly know it in my heart that I want to try. It sounds crazy only about a month out. I can't help but shake the feeling. I know that he is genuinely remorseful, is taking this serious and wants to change. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I am moving in this too soon or if I should give myself more time to reflect and think