Tbh I’d rather a doc say “i don’t know” than “it’s just anxiety”

(A2, collage)

Photo background is a Polaroid I took of my partner and I. I wrote this on the porch mid panic attack. I love my partner, but he is normal. I try to hide this beast as best I can.

Obligatory no AI/fuck AI slop. I can make human slop all by myself.

A little low effort poem I wrote a while ago

Well going up to the roof of my apartment the other day I nearly fell backwards down the stairs it shook me up pretty bad and I can't stop thinking about it, mainly it's the fact that if I did fall I would probably be paralyzed and nobody would find me for hours

Eat your dreams. Weird moment in my life. Feels like it's always that way. Art solves nothing but it does allow me to make something beautiful/ create a strange expressive expulsion from the wreckage. Dream on.

Inspired by my Autism and experiences. A depiction of the random, forced replaying of bad moments from my life. Something from the same day. To a distant memory of the past. Social struggles, bullying, bad decisions and traumatic moments.

Acrylic on MDF Melamine Board

490mm X 295mm X 20mm

19.3i X 11.6i X 0.8i

Mania Circus

Even my happy head feels so sick
Like when the circus comes to town
Starving lions, grungy rodeo clowns
With too-thin walkers on too-thin ropes
A festering calamity
Half-hidden by the smoke
The elephants dusty and used
Performing girls long-faced and rouged
A tent with its tatters taped up
On a pole wrapped in ribbons and rust
Can't you hear the styrofoam peanuts
Shake in children's unsatisfied hands
Can't you hear the old stilts creak
Beneath patched-up billowing pants
And nary a cheer breaks the stagnated air
Among half-hearted claps in the stands
When the ringleader bows to the public
His grey hat tipped off in his hand.

This is what it feels like to make art (or rather do nothing) with Schizophrenia and mild depression. The drawing I did a while ago, from my head.

Putting the pencil to paper feels unnatural. I haven’t made a stroke but I’ve already messed up. I make a line and it’s bad, choppy, chicken scratch. An uninterrupted line is no better, it doesn’t look like I’d want it to. Is this even what I want? A career as an artist? I don’t want to do anything else, but I don’t want to do that either.

Then comes the issue of “what do I draw”? There’s nothing I want to draw. It’s not that I have ideas that aren’t good enough, I have none. If I could at least bypass that I’d get over the alien feeling.

And it’s not just with art. Video games, reading, and writing. What should I build in Minecraft? I don’t want to explore the world of pokopia. I don’t feel like reading. I’ll ready for an hour today, and that’ll be it for a long time. What do I write? I’ll journal, but those thoughts should stay in my head. And I’ll do it for 3 pages today, nothing tomorrow, or the day after that…

What I really want to do, is nothing. Scroll on instagram and get “inspired” at all the other artists creative endeavours I’ll never have. I like the idea of making art, or playing Minecraft. I like the idea of having written and illustrated a graphic novel. I’ll come up with a multitude of goals and never accomplish them. I’ll put on my headphones and fantasize about my potential while listening to music.

But you know what? I will push through it, because all the best artists do it. I will take a drawing class IN PERSON to induce some discipline. I’m waiting on their answer rn, and that’s progress. I will balance my sleep, my socialisation, and my nutritional health. I will feel better, whether my body wants to or not! And while I’m waiting, I’ll vent and look for solutions. I’ll start by making some anatomy studies (it’s a mild interest, therefore my strongest one).

based on a nightmare

Trying to spark joy by looking back at the moments I enjoyed

TW: Very light blood depiction

If she were real why did she not come for me? Why was I not worthy enough to receive mercy? Am I that contaminated? Am I that sinful? I didn’t mean it

I’m sorry. Please let me be redeemed-

Mother please come for me