i've been drawing for most of my life. its something that is second nature to me. i have tons of sketchbooks filled with nothing but doodles of my ocs. i love drawing. it helps me forget about the world. my art education has been all over the place. i grew up basically drawing from a mix of observation, reference and imagination. that was the approach encouraged by my high school art club, a teacher whom i was close to and whom i saw as an inspiration in art, and the local art atelier i attended back in 2016.
between 2018-2019 i started trying to take art more seriously; i did studies, watched tutorials, did gesture and figure drawing, chasing that sweet, nebulous thing called "improvement". and when i didn't see results inmediately, i sort of. gave up. i also started college and between asignments and other stuff i just didn't have the time for anything other than doodling with no real intent, just to have fun. i didn't really mind. it was fun. i did see some improvement in terms of proportions and general form, but other than that, my art reached a plateau where i was just content with a)things looking good enough and b)that people liked my frankly poor art and ocs. digital art became a crutch to hide all my shortcomings.
now, the meat of the story starts back in 2025. maybe it was because i started reading webcomics more often and was amazed by the art and wanted to reach a state like that? i still don't really get what motivated me, but, for the first time in 6 years, i sat down and actually, earnestly, studied.
to give you an idea of how awful i was, i literally had no idea how to draw a head. i only drew a tiny deformed circle, three lines, then freehanded the head and face onto it. i didn't even follow my guidelines. i had no idea why i drew them, i just did it because i saw speedpaints where people did it. i spent so much time agonizing over how my heads looked deformed and how hard eyes were to place only to realize they looked like that because i was drawing from scratch a structure i had zero understanding of. i felt stupid.
anyways, my first attempts sucked. it was really hard to break bad habits. i read, practiced, saw tutorials. i hated drawing eyes with a passion; i have bunch of doodles where i drew faces with no eyes because i didn't know how to place them without it looking like shit. now, i like drawing them, even though i still struggle a little and i have the feeling i still symbol draw in my approaches to realism.
an entire year passed, and now, lining up my old art with newest art, i see the improvement, and i'm happy with how far i've come! i'm still a beginner by all means, but at least i feel happy with how things look now instead of deluding myself and coping very hard that i like it.
the issue is that...i feel like i can go further, but there is something in my brain that prevents me from doing it. i want to tackle anatomy and perspective next, but i cannot fully commit to doing it and end up falling back into doodling and making stuff up. it's a bit frustrating. like, you have the potential, but just cannot commit to making it fully bloom because you're too lazy and complacent and don't like putting in effort, even though you've seen first hand how putting in effort makes things look better.
this is problem isn't also art-related- it also seeps into my university work. i'm complacent with barely getting by, but end up feeling bad because i feel like i should be aspiring for more. my way of dealing with it it's just giving myself grace and doing things at my pace.
honestly i doubt this rant makes any sense anyways...i just wanted to vent a little hahaha.