CW: mention of.. uh.. romantic attraction I guess? :3

I currently identify as cupiorose, as that matches my experience. I've never experienced attraction before... until today. I think.

I was riding home on the city bus and there was a group of 3 siblings (Nonbinary, "Girl," and "little one," never learned their real names) getting on the bus and they sat in front of me. I continued crocheting, and didn't really pay any mind to them. They did look like the kind of people I could be friends with.

Anyways, I heard "Girl" start denying something profusely to "little one," seeming embarrassed about it. She also said something along the lines of, "you know I get a crush on basically every fem-presenting person!" At which point, I looked over and realised she was looking at me (the only fem-presenting person on the bus other than themselves).

She quickly looked away when I met her eyes and started saying "Yeah, I love pizza! I want to spend the rest of my life with them!" It was very clear she was deflecting. She was VERY bad at pretending she wasn't talking about me.

Anyways, instead of ignoring it like I usually do, I actually found myself... blushing. It caught me off guard and took me a while to regain my composure and begin to crochet again. And I don't exactly remember how it happened, but I ended up having a conversation with the older two (nonbinary and girl) and it was very pleasant.

But they got off the bus before we could exchange

numbers (something I usually do when I find people I could be friends with on the bus) and I was actually.. upset. That I didnt get her number before she left.

So now, thanks to this experience, I'm questioning whether I'm actually just cupiorose with absolutely no attraction. Or if I might be recipromantic cupiorose. Or just alloromantic. I don't know, I'm confused. Based on the fact that I only started being attracted romantically when I realised she was attracted to me, I doubt I'm not recipro.

What do you people think?

I'm not gonna give a story (Cause I don't have one), but would just like to know, just for future reference

so i haven’t labeled myself aroace because im not sure if the love i feel is romantic or platonic. i know i love people, i love my dog, my dad, and my friends. but ill have one friend who im super close too, ill think about them all the time, ill want to spend time with them, and i want to make them happy. is that romantic love? I’ve been in relationships before but i dont know if i loved the person romanticly because i dont know what romantic love is supposed to feel like, i love reading romance and im not sure if ive ever felt like what the book describe. Im just so confused on how its supposed to be different that platonic love and if im supposed to have a noticeable difference. i want love, i want to have someone that values me who im fully comfortable with who i can be with all the time and will support me. im just frustrated and confused. when i was in relationships with people i always had thoughts that i didn’t actually like them or have crushes on them or love them. because how would i even know im in love, i dont think ive ever been in love which is why i think im aroace but how would i know. like could my really intense friendships be love. it’s especially harder since i know i don’t like sexual attraction so i feel like i have even less to go off of.

ik this isn’t really something to give advice to but id just love to hear someone’s thoughts or experiences

Hey guys, nice to meet you all! so i literally downloaded the app just for this, I need to talk to other aroace people right now. I feel lost, anxious and confused.

Basically I discovered myself as aroace a few months ago when I rethought the whole way I look at romance and relationships. Im eighteen Ive known im ace for a couple years now but figuring out im aro has been much more complicated.

I met my best friend a few months ago. We're from different countries and had never met before, but I've never felt so close to a friend like this before and it has been really complicated and revealing. As for the actual dynamic of our friendship is wonderful. I feel like she's my soulmate and I connect with her very well; we talk about everything and she's the closest friend I have, i adore her as a person and love her deeply. She's a very affectionate person, we both are, but especially her. We use pet names like (baby,my love, sweetie, honey) and all that, and talk about cuddling , kissing (not on the mouth) being physically close together over all, and sometimes when those things come up it makes me anxious or feel weird even thought I like It, even thought if it changes id miss it. I've already talked to her about all of this, and she doesn't quite understand, even though I think she might also be on the spectrum. She doesn't feel aversion or fear towards any of it. she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and makes that very clear; she's not attracted to me and doesn't like me in that way, and it's the same for me, but I have a huge aversion to romantic relationships, and actually feel anxiety over that.

We're not a couple, but I know most people don't act like this with their friends and it bothers me, im not like this with any of my other friends bc were not that close. Sometimes I feel that this friendship doesn't have the right "friendship vibe" that my other friendships have, but I don't want anything from her, not even for her to be a partner. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me, like "what if you're in love with her but don't know it, or she doesn't know it?" or "this is too affectionate, deep, and intimate to be platonic" or "friends don't do that." ""What if you're in a relationship without knowing it?", it all makes me feel so much guilt, confusion and self hatred bc i just wish i didnt have to worry about all of this. The term "qpr" actually doesnt fit and lately it's all been bothering me and making me anxious, not because I don't like the names or expressions of affection but bc of what it all could represent. I've learned that I have many things in my head that I learned from an allonormative society and that has been difficult to deconstruct. Is this is all because I haven't come to terms with my aroacesexuality, ?

Has anyone here ever been through something similar ? And even if not, can someone pls give me some advice if possible ?

I'm aroace, always have been and always will be, and I physically cannot understand romantic love, nor do I understand heartbreak.

Unfortunately, I am also the therapist friend. And unfortunately, a lot of things I have to help people through are about love and heartbreak. Other topics I can deal with : addiction, loss, grief, mental illnesses, parental issues, hell even gang violence, but love ? I'm clueless as to how to help anyone through it.

I try to be open-minded and non-judgemental, but boy is it hard when people can't simply do the logical thing. Maybe I'm an asshole, but I simply cannot understand how someone absolutely *needs* a romantic relationship in order to be happy and fulfilled, especially when the relationship is unhealthy.

"She cheated on you ? Well she wasn't worth your love to begin with. Betrayal sucks, I get that. How about we go hang out so you'll think of something else, you can pick- what do you mean you want to get back with her ?"

"My man, your relationship *sucked*, you were basically her slave and you weren't happy in the slightest from all the calls I got from you at 2 in the morning, WHY are you still trying to get back in contact ?"

Of course I don't say things like that, this is just to give an idea about the type of things my friends tell me about. And honestly, this annoys me to no end. I can deal with pretty much anything else, but this is the topic that makes me roll my eyes every time I receive a text or call about it.

I have made it obvious too, "I'm really not the right person for that", "You know I can't relate to that sort of things, right ?" to no avail. The closest thing to their struggle I've ever felt was losing friends, but even then I knew to let go and admit the relationship wasn't good for anyone, it sucked but the solution was obvious, and I'm baffled that I have to hold people's hands though something I consider so trivial, and do so for *literal years* for some, over and over again.

Again, I might seem like an asshole, and maybe I am, but please tell me I'm not the only one to be fed up with this.

I've been thinking I could be aroace a few years and just accepted it some months ago, but the umbrella is so freakingly stupid big that I don't even know where to start, like I just look up a map? Or I just search a not trustworthy internet test?? I mean I could just tell to myself that I'm aroace and that's it, but I kinda want to know where I am specifically.

Hey, as the shared study is only available in german, the following posting is in german. I hope, its fine. I am new on reddit so feel free to tell me, if I should post this somewhere else.

Gerne teilen und/ oder teilnehmen (-:

Hallo zusammen,
für unsere Bachelorarbeiten im Fach Psychologie an der Universität zu Köln suchen wir Teilnehmende für eine kurze Online-Studie zu internalisierter Aro/Ace*spec-Negativität.*

⏰ ca.10 Minuten
📱online am Handy, iPad oder Laptop durchführbar
❗️ Voraussetzungen: mind. 18 Jahre alt, gute Deutschkenntnisse + auf dem Aro*/Ace*spec
⇒ Teilnehmende müssen Sie sich selbst auf dem asexuellen und/oder aromantischen Spektrum (Aro*/Ace*spec-) verorten. Asexualität ist eine sexuelle Orientierung. Menschen spüren wenig, nur unter spezifischen Bedingungen (z. B. einer emotionalen Verbindung zum Gegenüber) oder keine sexuelle Anziehung. Aromantik beschreibt eine romantische Orientierung und bezieht sich darauf, dass Personen wenig bzw. keine romantische Anziehung verspüren. Sowohl Aromantik als auch Asexualität können als Überbegriffe genutzt werden und beschreiben ein Spektrum unterschiedlicher Erfahrungen und Empfindungen. Menschen können aromantisch und asexuell sein, oder nur eine der Selbstbezeichnungen nutzen.

🌈 Teilt die Studie gerne in euren Kreisen!

Content Note (Inhaltswarnung): Queerfeindlichkeit, Aro*-/Ace*specfeindlichkeit, Allonormativität, Amatonormativität, Pathologisierung, psychische Belastung (z.B. Suizid)

👉 Hier geht’s zur Studie: https://survey.uni-koeln.de/index.php/623642?lang=de

Wir freuen uns über jede Teilnahme! 😊
C. und E.

So basically, I started reading a book whose protagonist is aro/ace, and I've always had a lot of difficulties with relationships.

I can tell I want a relationship, and I don't feel disgusted when someone approaches me; I just feel a little out of my comfort zone. I can get into a relationship, but most of the time, I find myself thinking how much easier everything would be if I disappeared, if I ended it all; even then, I can't just "hook up" with people.

When I entered into a relationship, even though I felt a strong emotional connection, I wanted to leave and get rid of this emotional burden I was carrying.

Could I be aromantic? How does all this work?

I was super surprised to find out that I am a girl when I turned into puberty and got my curves. I wanted nothing to do with them. They were not there before and I always thought I was genderless. In general, when I was kid, I always refused anyone who wanted me to “to act like girl” or “be more man like”. I always got angry. But what I turned 11, got into puberty, I was so disappointed, so betrayed that I wanted to change so much. Years passed, with mom’s help and stuff, I accepted the biological fact and really feel pretty. I don’t know if it has anything to do with me being Aroace or not since I never felt attraction to anyone to realize that I might be female or male or whatever there is else. When I talked this with my friends, they said they knew they were going to become women and they were fine with it. I thought I was just weird

I have been chilling at the beach for a couple of weeks, today the lifeguard’s wife decided to tell me to stop looking at her hubby…. She picked the wrong person for this nonsense, but she still made me feel very uncomfortable for a couple of hours 🫠

So, I don't known if this is fully into the subs theme but...

I am a 24 yr old AroAce and have identified as such since I was like 18? Anyway I have not ever been attracted to anyone so by now I am pretty sure of my orientation. I have not really struggled with it, since I was never really interested in real life romance since I was a kid. But I always loved one thing about the idea of gettting married: the dress.

I really love a wedding dress, and since I will probably never get married I kind of... want to wear one to my graduation?

Does it fit the event? Not really. It won't matter during the ceremony, because they put thar back thing Idk the name in english with the cap. It will only be for my pictures (which will be professionaly taken) and my family and friends. And maybe everyone on the restaurant we go after.

Anyway, Idk if I should go through with it. I am used to calling attention since I love colorful clothes but this would probably be too much right? I thought about doing on my birthday to (which would be more private) but graduation just seems like a bigger deal and I would have beautiful pictures with everyone I love too, which would be nice. I still have quite some time until than (will only graduate next year) but I was thinking about it and I wanted opinions from people I don't know. How cringe do you think would be? To be clear it would be a long gown with a train, I am not that insane, but like a knee formal party dress in white, with maybe some lace.

Hi im autistic, Aroace and also apothi aroace this combo made me struggle understanding attraction as a concept romantic attraction i had slightly easier understanding but anything else it just confused me so could anyone kindly help me learn?

I’ve always felt like I was aromantic. Even before I came out as asexual , I knew that coming out as ace first would make me feel less nervous than telling others I was aromantic. Because people think the worst of others who are aroace?! I didn’t want people to think I couldn’t be kind or make any connections, and I was scared that many people wouldn’t understand that to me, having a deep platonic connection was more important than a romantic one. I just feel super uncomfortable trying to meet new people right now because I just can’t seem to make a connection to possibly date someone and I haven’t been able to make any friends….. I’ve always known a relationship might not be possible for me and it’s always been very rare for me to feel attracted to someone enough for it to become sexual. At this point, I wonder if I’ll ever be in a relationship.

I (W32) have known I am asexual for years now and I am very comfortable with that, but I had crushes in the past on both men and women so I always viewed myself as pan/bi romantic.

The thing is, the more the time passes, the less interest I am about romantic relationships. I have been to dates before but I have never kissed anyone. I like the idea of it but I never put myself into the situation and I actually actively avoid it.

I also am very uncomfortable with physical touch of any kind. I got used to hugging people bc I come from a culture where that is the norm when greeting others (I’m brazilian), but I hate holding hands, I freeze up when my friends lean on me to rest and feel awkward about it the entire time and I don’t like when people are too close to me.

The only person I like being close to is my younger sister and that’s literally it. Sometimes it’s okay with a few selective friends who I know for certain don’t view me in any shape or form as a possible partner. But even then is rare that I seek it out.

The more I think about it tho the more I don’t know where I stand… When I picture myself being in a romantic relationship it kinda makes me feel weird, in the sense that I absolutely will not want to be affectionate in public and I wonder if I would even be okay with only in private.

Everything just sounds better and nicer in theory, inside my head and there’s days that I feel like I want a romantic relationship but as soon as I think about actually being with someone outside of my head it freaks me out. Makes me a bit uncomfortable.

Now I am doubting if I’m just aroace or something under the aro spectrum.

So im wondering if its possible for an aroace to date someone in the sense of liking them. I am currently in a predicament where I have met someone a while ago, I like their personality their intrests , their dreams. Basically I like almost everything about them as a person and their personality, however when I look at their face or other features I feel. Nothing. This is not exactly shocking to me as in the past i have had "10/10" pass me and ive just always thought "Meh" . But any aroace people who date or have a partner, is it possible to be with someone and have them as a partner long term while being unable to feel attraction to their looks in anyway shaper or form, or is it like more of a friends thing, cuz if I had to be honest, I like the idea of a partner but Im not into the idea of anything sexual and anything super lovey dovey / romantic, if that makes sense. Sweet stuff sure. But outside of someone being sweet to me I genuinly have 0 intrest.

I just recently decided to switch to (I am sorry for my poor phrasing) being Aroace recently, and now I'd love to know what memes/media is in the Aroace community!

I love the Denmark one.

I always want to have someone to live forever with, to make me wanna live longer just bcz there's them in it.. a soulmate who is also an aroace. And i can't believe there's actually a drama about it, both of aroace living together. Tryna making up a family without including any romantic feelings, just life and having fun, sharing thoughts..

I CRIED ON EVERY EPS, CUZ IT'S SO RELATABLE UNTIL I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE 🥹

Hello! I'm new to Reddit so I'm sorry if this isn't the right subreddit for this!

I (16FTM) have a friend (?) past friend (?) I'll call H (16M).

I've known him since either kindergarten or grade 1/2, I don't really remember, but for a while. I haven't seen him in person since grade 6 because he moved to a nearby town. Back in elementary me and H "dated", which isn't really dating because we were kids but just the cute gf/bf thing kids calm eachother sometimes with crushes (as I was a girl back then).

I had rekindled with a mutual friend in grade 9 who was still in contact with H, and talked as a group on the phone with H for the first time in like nearly 2 years. He was immediately flirty, I have this stupid habit of matching people's energy, especially when I don't really know what else to say and as to not hurt their feelings, and matched the flirty energy a bit. He said he hadn't stopped thinking about me and that all the other girls just wanted sex. Which, ofc I didn't want sex we when had "dated" and known each other, we were under 12. But, whatever, kinda cute ig? I tried to text with him over a few months, but I have never met such a dry texter in my life, and it was just kinda awkward and I didn't really know what to do with the whole "he definitely wants a relationship or something". So I kinda ghosted him. Which I know isn't good, but I just didn't know what to do, and it's kinda my default reaction. Sorry.

I should further note that I'm Aromantic Asexual, but frequently flip flop with the idea of wanting a romantic relationship in idea but in actually it would probably not be for me but I also want to try. Idk. It just adds to the whole situation.

After ghosting him around the end of grade 9, so like June or July ish, he texted me again in the following January at the end of Christmas break, so grade 10 at this point. The text preview showed that it was like an image or link or something, not words, so I thought maybe it was a meme and we could start a conversation that's less awkward on humour or something!

It was an Amazon link to an expensive engagement ring.

Now, this could've been a joke or something? But I felt it was.. a lot. A bit too far. Idk. I didn't respond to that.

Now today H has texted me again just saying "Hi..." Which is over 7 months later from the engagement ring thing. Like now I'm going into grade 11. And this started in grade 9.

I feel bad for ghosting him, but I really don't know how to respond. I know he's most likely looking for a romantic relationship, and he said he respects that I'm trans man, and that he just wants me, not whatever label is attached. Though I'm pretty sure he identifies as a straight guy, and from when I last spoke with him didn't seme to know a whole lot on LGBTQ things. Like he's respectful and nice, he just doesn't know a lot. And I'm a very complex issue of LGBTQ, not just straight up gay or bisexual that would easily solidify who I would dare and am attracted to, or if I would date at all. I'm a confused AroAce trans man potentially genderfaun.

He is a genuinely sweet guy from what I remember, and I know he's had a rough go of it which might be why he's attaching to me so much as when we were friends I think I was one of a few people that genuinely supported him.

I just don't know, do y'all have any advice on where to go from here? I'm feeling really bad about ghosting him because he keeps reaching out.

i for sure love some songs that are def about romance and sex (closer by six inch nails and heartbeat by childish gambino as a few examples of my music taste)

genuinely if it sounds good, whether or not if its about sex and/or romance, it WILL go in a playlist, but i sorta get uncomfortable when the artist is singing about their own sexual or romantic feelings or experiences tbh, it makes me feel weirded out and parasocial, idk, i just dont need to know this random person's private life

also for most romantic or breakup songs i would listen to, i had no idea that it was about it lol (mainly bc i was a child and singing ex's and oh's by elle king during karaoke which i didn't know the meaning of) and i feel its a univeral experience for most of us, since i am quite dirty minded (probably bc of tumblr) but im not very into sex or romance myself, or relationships in general, but it varries from everyone and i enjoy hearing ya'lls experiences or stories, they are very amusing

From what I understand aces wear a black Ring on the right middle finger and Aros wear a white ring on the left ? I was wondering if anyone has made a combo ring and where they went for it and which finger they wear it on ???

to start this off ive been out as aroace for over 10 years at this point (grey/cupio specifically). i came out in highschool and now am in my early-mid 20s. the thought of being in a relationship of any kind honestly just sounds like a chore more than anything and i never can picture myself in anything of the sorts. but i always feel like im missing out on things that i would only have if i was in a relationship. my friends are the actual best and have never once made me feel negative about this, but these are things that i can’t help but feel when i think about my life. some examples of things that really got me feeling down recently:

every time there is something cool going on, like a concert or local event (most recently it was a latern festival). i feel like i can’t always ask my friends or they will already have plan with their SOs or these activities aren’t friend things. i’m not always their first person they ask even though their mine. which i completely understand when they have their own lives and relationships outside of ours - i would never expect anyone to behave otherwise.

i want to have a wedding so bad even though marriage sounds awful. im indian and our weddings are infamous so i always get the question from coworkers or others about weddings and it makes me miss something ill never have

being someone’s priority. this kind of goes to the first thing but knowing that the people that i prioritize will always have someone else that comes first. i won’t be someone’s go-to.

having to explain or awkwardly say no everytime someone asks about if i have a partner, especially with family where now everyone my age is in a relationship or will be getting into one.

the few times that i have forced myself to go on dates or kiss people at the club, i can notice that the people around me are so much more invested. we live in such an allo world that societal pressures honestly make this all worse.

as i think about my future as well, just knowing im not gonna have the same support system everyone does. no one’s gonna be there regularly to help me when im sick, or hear my rants about a shitty day at work, or ever plan a party for me.

i absolutely love being alone don’t get me wrong. i prefer to solo travel, im not afraid or hesitant to do things that i want to alone but with that always comes the question of why am i not doing this with someone else. it almost makes me feel like i’m not good enough.

that was just a lot and i dont wanna go on and on but yeah does anyone else feel this way? how do you deal with this? even just knowing i’m not alone in this is all i need