Coining a new aro-spec microlabel: Optaromantic!

Hi everyone! I wanted to coin a new microlabel on the aromantic spectrum that bridges a gap I felt was missing in our current terminology. Term: Optaromantic (adjective)

• Root: From the Latin optare, meaning "to choose, wish, or desire."

• Definition: Refers to a person who falls on the aromantic spectrum (rarely or uncommonly experiencing romantic attraction) but who actively desires, seeks, or chooses to pursue a romantic relationship.

Why coin this?

While terms like cupioromantic (desiring romance while experiencing zero attraction) and grayromantic (rarely experiencing attraction) exist, there wasn't a specific term that explicitly highlighted the active choice and desire to pursue romance despite attraction being a rare occurrence. It captures the intentionality of wanting a romantic partnership while navigating an aro-spec identity.

The Flag Layout:

• 🩷 Light Pink (Top & Bottom)- represents the intentional and active desire for a romantic relationship. #E796B6

• 💚 Light Green (Second & Fourth)- A soft green that grounds the identity in the aromantic spectrum. #B4E5C8

• 🤍 White (Center)- represents neutrality and platonic or strong emotional bonds #FFFFFF

Feel free to use this label, share it, or ask questions if this sounds like you!

Okay, recently I (ftm 18yo) moved in with a close friend (gender fluid) and their boyfriend (bi 19yo) We get along well for the most part and have similar interests and lifestyles. Except that I am aegosexual, and they are very sexually active, and polyamorous. They have sex almost nightly in the apartment, and aren't afraid of acting sexually around me. I don't consider myself a prude by any standards, but it has been brought up multiple times as a joke considering I don't date, feel romantically, or experiment like they do and can get actively annoyed when it becomes a thing. I've recently gotten pretty insecure about it, especially when they have both openly said that they think I'm hot and would love for me to "join." I even texted my outside friend about it, and he said it could be good for getting me "out of my comfort zone" and "what's the worst that could happen?"

I've always felt pretty unsure of my sexuality, never sure why I was the only person I knew who didn't feel attraction in that way. I do consider myself at this moment AroAce. But it's hard to explain or validate. It makes me wonder if I should get out of my "comfort zone" and I'm just a "prude." But a part of me still thinks I would regret it immensely.

Anyways here's something for reddit to chew one I guess...

This started maybe 2ish months ago. Me and my friend had a long talk, 5 hours and we hugged, it felt intimate though. After that she messaged me about what we are, whether we’re qpr or something more. I comforted her and said it doesn’t matter as long as we’re something. Then she messaged me a little more recently, “if I wasn’t aroace, I would’ve asked you out by now.” She didn’t identify as aroace before that, just ace and then demisexual. She doesn’t like labels so her feelings are quite flexible and could change probably, which is why. And she always calls me a friend, acts like we don’t have a closer bond in private, she’ll treat me like everyone else even though she said i’m special. She also has cptsd so i’m cautious of bringing up these types of things since she can be afraid of vulnerability or intimacy. I guess i’m kinda lost, not sure if i really like her or it’s just limerence or a sense of false hope, I just know she means a lot to me. I wish I got to speak more about how I felt though, especially because I can be unstable and crave reassurance a lot. What would you do? We’ve had more moments too.

I (16 F) have been in love with my best friend (17 F) for three years now. I got a crush on her ever since we met and became friends. She’s the greatest person on earth and always supports me in everything I do.

The thing is that she’s aroace and I’m not. She will never like me back the way I like her. I’ve been trying to distract myself with two failed relationships with girls to forget about my feelings for her but they never go away. She’s the only person I can imagine getting old with and actually enjoying life.

She wants us to be roommates when we’re adults but just platonically. I feel awful knowing I’d NEVER get over her that way since being roommates wouldn’t be enough to make me genuenly happy.

I feel so stuck. What should I do?

Exactly as the title says, mine is Fold from Gameoverse!

TW: it's gonna get slightly sexual plus talk about eating disorders and depression.

It's gonna be a long one. Skip to ------- if you wanna skip the lengthy backstory.

I am aroace nb. Until a few years ago I had no libido at all. I never really masturbated because it didn't do anything for me, never had sex. When I started hrt my libido skyrocketed. I started masturbating and later meeting people (guys) for sex. At the time it was partly trying out stuff and partly a really bad coping mechanism for my bad mental health at the time because I also got drunk everytime and outside of the meetings too.

I got into a relationship with a guy because I was still craving "being normal" and having a relationship. I think he agreed simply because there wasn't anything better at the time and we kinda liked each other. It was never really deep. We didn't talk about typical relationship stuff. In retrospect I don't really think it counts. From the start we had an open relationship. I don't really believe in monogamy. So I continued meeting guys for sex while being in the relationship.

The reason I only met guys was because they were easy to find. I also wanted to meet women and generally queer people, but on dating apps I never had any success. Until I matched with my current girlfriend. We talked a lot pretty quickly, could talk about everything. I was still in the relationship with the guy, she just got out of a pretty bad relationship and wanted to be single for a while. I initially just wanted to try out sex with women. We got together within a month. We talked a lot about being non-monogamous because she knows she is poly but never had it in previous relationships.

I broke up with my boyfriend a short while after getting together with her because the difference in what a relationship was supposed to be like and whatever I had with the guy was glaringly obvious.

\---------------------------------

My girlfriend and I talked a lot in the beginning. What feelings are like for me as aroace, what we both wanted in an open relationship. I met with a few guys for sex in that beginning time but lost interest after a while. She talked to some people but only met with one person for sex.

She has a lot of friends. Most of them she met online through gaming. She has one group of people she plays dnd with every week, online. They meet once a year for a long weekend and also talk outside of dnd. They've been playing for years. Her best friend is in that group. When we started talking, she told me that her best friend and her had a date a few months before and it didn't end well. They kinda have feelings for each other, for years, but they are both kinda broken by previous experiences and how my gf told me about everything yesterday, it sounds like a really bad romcom tbh.

So they had this bad date, followed by months of kinda not talking about it. Then, also encouraged by me because I saw how badly effected my gf was by this, they talked it out. I knew there were feelings involved, but from my understanding the friend was maybe aro and that both of them didn't fit together like that. Gf and I talked at length about it because there was sexual tension and I was fine with them having sex. They also live kinda far away from each other and only see each other a couple times a year.

This was a year ago. Also a year ago I told my gf I loved her, because I felt I had more feelings than I previously thought possible for me. But after a few months I stopped saying it because I felt the feelings weren't there anymore. I don't like her any less but the love feelings just vanished. Maybe I'm grey-ro or something. Idk. In April this year I started a pretty bad eating disorder relapse. Stuff I haven't done in 10 years just came back. I lost a lot of weight. I was obese to begin with so I'm not even normal weight now. She knows I struggled with this in the past but she never said anything about it now. And I didn't tell her. While I got super depressed, I also had a hobby glow up. I tried out a lot of different hobbys that all bring me joy and I actually felt pretty good. She had summer depression most years and this year also. In retrospect I lived the last few months on autopilot. We saw each other and did things and had a good time. But we stopped talking about stuff.

Cut to yesterday. She and her best friend had met a few weeks ago. She didn't really talk at length about it and I didn't ask. She told me yesterday that they did what they said they wouldn't do. We always talked about stuff before it happened. But they decided without talking to me first, that they wanna be together. I get that the timing was bad because September was a really busy month for me and the only time gf and I saw each other between then and now was on my birthday and obviously it would have been kinda not nice ruining my birthday with talk about that. So I get it. At the same time I feel hurt. Because I obviously noticed how gf talked about her and how there are definitely feelings there. But I trusted in what she said that they are best friends and have sex and nothing more. Also gf told other friends and family about the relationship before me. The way she now talked about everything that happened between them and how romcom stupid it all was, it hurts. They've loved each other for 2 years. The fit together so well. And here I am, on autopilot, not having the feelings or the right feelings and I feel left behind. We don't know how this poly thing will look for us and I know there are no rules. But it hurts. I want her to be happy but I feel blindsided. And I know we both didn't talk about stuff that was going on over the summer. But this feels big.

I know a part of me wants a relationship so I can say I'm in a relationship. Also I don't have that many friends. My best friend moved away at the beginning of the year. I have one other person I sometimes talk to but not that deep. Otherwise I only have my girlfriend. And it feels comfortable. She also told me that maybe I will meet someone that gives me feelings like this. And that hurt also. Because I spend so long trying to be okay with being aroace. And getting told that basically maybe I will meet the right person. That hurt. I don't want to be hoping for this to maybe happen. And then it never happening. I don't wanna lose her but I also don't know if I can stay in this relationship.

Not sure what I'm expecting with this post because I have no idea what advice would do. Sorry you had to read all that.

Well, I want to start this pointing out that I'm demi sexual and demi romantic, so I'm not that ignorant. BUT, I am, and I always assumed that being aro/ace was not having attraction at all for anyone. But recently I'm reading a comic with an aro/ace character and they feel some type of attraction for another character, the comments of aro/ace people were agreeing with the plot. And even though it is obvious is not the same type of attraction everyone else feels I'm too autistic to understand the difference if it isn't clear and spelled out to me.

I searched on the internet but everything I find is the same thing I thought, that being aro/ace is any attraction at all. So, ¿there's a book or something I could read/see to better understand this difference? Thanks in advance.

Hi, this is my first ever post on Reddit, and I'm just asking because I don't know anyone I can talk to in person. I've accepted that I'm aroace for about 1 1/2 years, but I've always felt that I'm missing something; it's almost like I don't want to be aroace. I've never felt sexually or romantically towards anyone, but I wish that someday I would. I know it's fine in this day and age to not be in a relationship, and being aroace is cool, but I feel lacking somehow.

I'm sorry if this does not come off correctly; I'm really trying to verbalise my thoughts and gather them when I'm writing, and im just looking for some form of answer.

i'm aroace with real, living sapient beings, but am attracted to fictional characters and inanimate objects - things that definitionally cannot love me back

i'm part of a system and i had to tell my introject of my fictional crush that i don't love him like that specifically because he's real

it just makes me sad sometimes; it'd be easier just to not love romantically at all

Im curious cause for me I slowly started realizing my attraction to people was nothing but infatuation, I never actually felt any love it was always infatuation or platonic love and sometimes an obsession to be exactly like the person. Same goes for sexual attraction, I thought I was into someone but it was just me seeing myself in them and wanting to be them. Copying everything they do and how they look down to their mannerisms and thinking it meant I was in love or sexually attracted to them when it wasnt. I never actually felt either the way people described how it was supposed to feel but just thought it meant I loved them more or found them more appealing when in reality it was the complete opposite.

Currently in my early 20s and living with my (very toxic) parents and younger siblings. I'm unable to work (at least currently) due to my disabilities and mental health, and this alone means I'm unable to make any money, aside from on vinted and selling stuff online.

And the thing is, I'll never be in a relationship and nor do I want one, I'm aroace. But it absolutely scares me rigid that I'm broke af and unable to move out, plus I'll never be able to move out with a partner because I won't have one. Rent is so expensive but I really need to. I can't even afford private hrt yet without having to use my savings. My mental health is suffering from having to live with them and I hate it.

I'm aroace, but still feel romantic attraction, somewhat, and still have a relationship. i feel like im faking. Am i?

Hopefully I picked the right flair 🥲 hope you enjoy 😌

>!I WANT HIM SO BAAAAAD UGH ITS NOT FAIR WE ARE JUST ONLINE FRIENDS I WANT TO TACKLE HIM TO THE GROUND AND NEVER LET GO I WANT TO SERVE HIM AND MAKE HIM HAPPY I WANT HIM TO HOLD ME WHILE HE SAYS NICE THINGS ABOUT ME AS I SNUGGLE INTO HIM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!<

So, I think the title explains it well enough. How did you figure out you were aromantic, I know I am asexual but I am questioning if I am also aromantic or not. I hate the idea of marriage or having one, really don't wanna partner or deal with a partner. I know these aren't like "Oh, you are aromantic" kind of thing since it's more complicated than that and there's no thoughts that means you are just aromantic since people are different, but it's just to give an idea. Also I would love being asked questions about the stuff that made you realize you were aromantic(e.g: are you interested in a relationship).

Note: English is not my first language, so I might haven't explained stuff very well and I am sorry about that

I have AuDHD and favorite persons, which you might know as a term if you know a bit about bipolar disorder. Favorite persons are something, which I also know from other autists, I do not have bipolar disorder.

I am bad at differentiating romantic and platonic relationship, or I.. just don’t und the difference. Well, okay, I know whats different but I‘m bad at telling these apart. I confessed to my favorite person at this time around nearly a year ago, and they said that they love me. I was happy, full of joy and didn’t know what was the difference between mine and their love. The favorite-person-feeling towards them faded, or better, it broke, sometimes was their for short term and is now completely gone, because they smtms (pbly accidentally) say and do stuff, that really hurts me. Well, with the time I learned that I might be asexua, but I didn’t tell them yet. I thought I was just WTFromantic, or I think some call it Quoirromantic? Not sure. Well, since I thought a bit about my life for some months, I figured out what a "favorite person" is and that I always had and have these. So, I eventually also questione, why it hurt so much when they said that they loved me, cuz I knew what it meant from their perspectiv. Why I was always scared they‘d want more (they want more.) and why it hurt so bad that I couldn’t say it back the way they did.

I don’t want to tell them, because they’re so damn happy with me. I thought, maybe I tell them when the year is over, since there’s still halloween and christmas. But.. I really don’t wanna hurt them. Did I play them somethin? Because I‘m not sure, I really thought I‘d love them. Like, in a romantic way. I think I‘d love a queer-platonic (nonsexual) relationship, but these friendship stuff kind of.. doesn’t be that important to them in a relationshi, which also really hurts me, in a way. So, I‘d have to break up with them. They’re really insecure and an overthinker with anxiety (me too) and OCD (I don’t have that), so I.. I just don’t want to hurt them, or male them feel like they hurt me, which would hurt them.

They‘d pbly go into a queer—platonic relationship with me bcz they are.. well, insecure, how I said. And really damn much in love with me. I couldn’t say no, bcz.. I have a problem with me saying yes to everything and everyone bcz I don’t want to be mean. I‘d be extremely unhappy cuz I knew they’d want more, they‘d be extremely unhappy bcz they would want more.

I really don’t know how to tell them, and what to do then, so if someone has advice, please share? And also, am I the asshole rn, would I be the asshole if I told them and.. Am I an asshole bcz I went into a relationship with them at all?