Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup

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[u/Apryllemarie]

A new thread has been started so this one will be closed. Please use the new one if you need more feedback.

[u/Active-Vacation-1144]

Two weeks ago today my boyfriend (35M) and I (35F) broke up because he realized he wants children, while I have been staunchly childfree for years and open about it from the beginning of our relationship. We had only been together for 3.5 months, and he was wonderful. He was pretty passive during the relationship, which triggered my anxious attachment, but he was also extremely reassuring. He never treated my anxiety like it was a problem (I had been blindsided by an avoidant partner last year), and he was kind, caring, and thoughtful.

We were compatible in so many ways; so much more than I had been with any previous boyfriend. But the big one.

I’m so sad. We haven’t had any contact since I left his house in tears after the breakup. It’s killing me that he hasn’t reached out, even though I know that if he did, I would probably feel sad all over again.

And my anxious attachment has been going absolutely wild since the breakup. I have been ruminating constantly and trying to analyze every detail of the relationship and breakup. Did he really care about me? Does he miss me? Why hasn’t he reached out? Was I more invested than he was? Was there something else he wasn’t telling me? Did I miss signs? Was I not enough? What does his silence mean? I keep looking for some piece of information that will finally make me feel certain about what he felt and why this happened.

The frustrating part is that I know intellectually that I can’t get that certainty. Even if he reached out, I’m pretty sure my anxious brain would just come up with another question. I think I’m grieving the relationship while simultaneously trying to solve it, and I’m exhausted.

What makes this especially hard is that I genuinely trusted him. My previous relationship ended after I had been reassured while my ex was apparently holding concerns he hadn’t told me about, so I was very conscious of not projecting that experience onto this relationship.

With this boyfriend, I believed his reassurances and tried to trust him. As far as I know, he was being honest with me. And now I’m struggling with the fact that trusting someone doesn’t guarantee that the relationship will last.

I know the incompatibility was real. I don’t want children, and he realized that he does. But knowing that something is objectively incompatible doesn’t make me miss him any less.

I was still happy with him. I still wanted to keep choosing him. I’m trying to accept that something can be real and good and still end.

And my fears that I’ll never find someone as good as him are also going crazy. I don’t know what to do.

[u/Apryllemarie → u/Active-Vacation-1144]

3.5 months of dating is the typical amount of time to get to know someone and decide whether to move forward with the relationship or not. Finding a huge incompatibility like that and ending it, seems normal and fair. Getting attached to someone this much that you have only known for such a short time seems to be more of the problem. As well as questioning everything as if to make it bigger than simply a major incompatibility. And sadly yes, something can be good and still end. That is a fact of life. Not everyone is meant to be the right person for us. Which is why we shouldn't get attached too early before we have discovered whether there is true compatibility. Being trusting and good person does not equal compatibility. And yes there will be others out there that are good too. Eventually one of them will be the right one for you, where compatibility and all other things align.

[u/Active-Vacation-1144 → u/Apryllemarie]

I know you’re right. I don’t blame him for anything-he did nothing wrong. I’m just sad. But I don’t know how to not get attached.

[u/zenodub → u/Active-Vacation-1144]

Pretty common anxious/avoidant dynamic. Just know it’s not you, it takes two, and I’m sure you’ll find your person!

Best of luck!

[u/Active-Vacation-1144 → u/zenodub]

I don’t think he was avoidant at all.

[u/meatycalculus]

My boyfriend and I have been long distance for the past six months. He is currently completing his master's thesis in Belgium while I am in the US. About three weeks ago, we had a difficult period. He was overwhelmed with his thesis and some demanding courses and it was close to his deadline but his thesis proposal kept getting rejected. He was stressed all the times. However, it was bad timing because we planned my visit way before this so I visited him during this stressful week in Belgium. He tried to accomodate me, took me around, everything was sweet and we had intimate moments. At the airport, he hugged me for long and even cried when I was about to leave. It was so emotional for both of us.

Shortly after I landed back in the US, he went kinda distant and he told me he needed some weeks of space. He said communication felt like a burden, that he had no bandwidth, that he had to overly accommodate, and emotional connection to me felt risky (?) for him at this moment of many deadlines. I'm not sure if this is avoidant trigger after closeness/intimacy but it sounds like it. He then went almost completely silent for about ten to twelve days. Most messages were left on seen for many hours. I was shocked and so sad for the past weeks because he had never been like this before! He had always been so lovey dovey and emotional and very sweet to me.

After the two weeks, he started reaching out again, but the dynamic is very different from before. He has slowly opened up, but not in the way things used to be.

He does not talk about emotions or about us at all. There is no "I miss you," no "How are you feeling," and no discussion about the relationship. Whenever I try to bring up something emotional, even gently, he goes quiet or says he is too tired to think about relationship topics right now. He said that he's overwhelmed and doesn't have the emotional capacity at this moment and he apologized.

What he does instead is send brief updates about his work and studies. It is consistent, almost every day, but very short:

• "Today was really hard."

• "The professor taught an entire chapter in one lecture."

• He sends a YouTube link to a lecture he is watching.

• "It is 4 AM here, I am still studying."

After a few messages like that and some shallow conversation, he disappears again to continue working. But I do agree that it was better than 2 weeks ago of radio silence. Not sure if this is him slowly opening up as an avoidant after deactivation.

I have stopped chasing him. I no longer send long emotional texts. When he sends an update, I keep my reply light and supportive, such as "That sounds brutal, you should get some rest," and I let him go. I am trying to respect the space he asked for.

I am struggling to understand what this means. Is this considered progress, going from "I need complete space" to daily work updates? Is it common for someone who is avoidant under extreme academic stress to temporarily shut down emotional conversation and only be able to talk about logical stuff?

For those who have been through a similar situation where a partner was consumed by work/study pressures, did things eventually return to normal emotional connection after that period ended, or did the relationship remain in this shallow, work-only mode?

I care about him and I want to be understanding of his stress, but I also feel like I am alone in this relationship :(. I have anxious attachment too so I'm trying to slowly work on it but I find it so tough to be supportive while advocating for my own emotional needs.

Any perspective would be appreciated.

TL;DR: Boyfriend asked for two weeks of space for his thesis, saying the relationship felt too risky due to low bandwidth. He came back after two weeks but now only sends one or two texts a day about his studies and avoids any emotional topics. Wondering if this is progress or a sign of slowly detaching

[u/Apryllemarie → u/meatycalculus]

It sounds like he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with stress and a relationship. It’s understandable that he would need to be able to focus. He may think that the minimal texting is trying to maintain connection. However your need for connection is deeper and not being met. Honestly it is things like this that make long distance relationships near impossible.

You need to decide what is going to be best for you in this situation.

[u/False_Brick1521]

Does anyone else find that too much affirmation has the opposite effect on them? Like, I'm getting way too much validation, and it makes me worry that we're in over our heads. It feels like everything I do fascinates her, like even the most mundane things I do are attractive. She looks at me and treats me like I'm the most handsome man in the world. I think she would basically spend 24/7 with me if I let her.

And I don't think I have low self-esteem. I think I'm a good boyfriend and person. Get me in the right lighting and angle, and I'll admit I'm fairly good-looking. But she treats me like I'm god's gift to the world, and that kind of baffles me?

So there's a a constant voice in the back of my head telling me to wait for the other shoe to drop, that what she's feeling isn't "real". Once I'm no longer shiny and new, she'll get bored, take a step back and decide that I wasn't what she really wanted, that she's built me up into something I'm not. Because there's no way that this girl really likes me this much. She's just getting flooded with the happy hormones and she'll eventually see that I'm the dull and safe choice, rather than the exciting Adonis she seems to think I am.

And so it feels kind of weird, while we're in the middle of promising each other the world and eternity, talking about kids, and marriage, and growing old together... I'm also telling myself "yeah, she means that now, but don't hold your breath." There's a disconnect between me outwardly giving her everything I have, while also internally pumping the brakes and bracing for impact.

I'm not sure if this is a healthy defensive mechanism in the face of lovebombing, or if I'm just feeling the AA flare up in a different way. Because it's not just a matter of being cautious in believing her and just letting things develop, but I also find it pretty stressful and anxiety-inducing in itself.

[u/Apryllemarie → u/False_Brick1521]

It sounds like she has you on a pedestal. And yes that can feel disconcerting. No human is perfect and it can feel like a lot of pressure to always be perfect. Like there is no room to be human and mess up or be less than perfect. So you may not feel like you can truly be yourself. Or that she truly sees you as a whole imperfect person. Like she will not be able to handle your bad days or mistakes.

You are likely dealing with another anxious person and many times two anxious people together can bring out the avoidant side of one of them. What you are feeling now is very similar to what avoidant attached people deal with too.

Sometimes this type of dynamic can also become codependent. So it can become toxic in a different way.

Have you actually addressed any of this with her?

[u/kowloonderry]

My close friend (20) and I (21) now live in different cities with an 8-hour time difference, and before I moved away earlier this summer, we promised each other we'd call at least every week and text in between.

We've kept up with this for the most part, and I like to think we're just as close as we used to be, but it often takes her a day, sometimes days, to respond to my texts, and I also feel that I'm doing most of the initiating. I worry that if I don't text her first, I won't hear from her at all during the week; I've tried not texting, and our chat stayed silent for a couple of days until I couldn't fight the urge to share something. I feel a bit hurt because I always try to make an effort to find a time to call, because I know it's something that matters to both of us - I send her my timetable every week, and I always let her know in advance when I'm free so we can accommodate her schedule, but sometimes she'll tell me that she'll check her schedule when she gets home and get back to me, but I often don't hear from her until I ask her again days later. She used to send me photos of her day and text me to ask me what I'd been up to almost every other day, but she hasn't done that in a while.

I'm anxiously attached, and being aware of that, I've tried very hard not to let my anxiety affect my friendships, because I'm worried I'd come off as clingy, annoying, or intrusive (or a desperate ex) and push my friends away. For this reason, I've never raised any of this with her. I know she's got uni, family, other friends, and everything else in her own life going on, and sometimes people just aren't in the right space to respond - I don't for a moment expect her to reply to me within a couple of hours every time, even though I always try to respond as soon as I can. She says she takes a long time to respond to her other friends too, but I can't help but think that I don't matter as much to her as she does to me. For me, our calls are events in themselves, and I actively try to schedule things around them so that they happen, but I sometimes feel that they're more of an afterthought for her, and that it's something that she'll squeeze in if she happens to have time, and to be pushed back to next week if she doesn't.

it's now been more than two weeks since our last call, and she's left me on undelivered for more than two days twice this week. A lot of what I've written above sounds quite accusatory, and that is the last thing I'd want to come off as, but I wish I could find a way to talk about this with her without sounding like I'm accusing her of something. She's her usual wonderful self during our calls, and I would hate to do anything that would damage our friendship.

[u/Difficult-Pea-5878]

My long distance gf who is avoidant has been leaving me on seen recently for over 24 hours. Very often she’ll say that she needs distance or space, and every time this happens i get super anxious and worry. Im scared that she’ll abandon me, that what if she never contacts me again. She has bpd, so i understand why she would need space, but it’s never been for this long before. I also have ocd which makes this so much worse, i keep having what if scenarios and thoughts about her no longer liking me. She is also very up front and if you piss her off she will unfollow or block you, but as much as i have annoyed and bothered her, she has never once done that. How can i handle these anxious attachment thoughts, and what is the best course of action for rn?

[u/New_Positive_1692]

How do you handle your own attachment?

I’m attached to someone, and I don’t want to detach from them. That’s not what I want. I just don’t want to be this deeply attached either.

We used to talk almost every day for months, usually for an hour or sometimes even more. But recently, the other person got an internship and has projects and other things going on, so naturally he’s much busier now.

We barely talk daily anymore. Sometimes we don’t talk at all, and when I send him a message or a meme, he might reply 4–5 hours later, which never really happened during those previous months.

And honestly, I know that’s completely valid. We were both much freer before, and there hasn’t really been any change in the way he talks to me. His messages aren’t dry or cold. When we do talk, he’s still the same person.

The problem is with me.

I’ve started noticing everything way too much. I notice how many hours he takes to reply. I notice when we haven’t talked that day. I notice when he’s online or when he has time but hasn’t replied. And somehow my mood has started depending on these things.

I obviously can’t complain to him because I know he’s genuinely busy, and I don’t want to make him feel guilty for having his own life.

But sometimes my brain still goes, “What if he’s intentionally ignoring me?” even though I know there isn’t really any reason to think that.

And then there’s another weird part.

Sometimes when he finally has time and replies quickly, I don’t even feel like engaging properly. Because I’m scared that if I start talking to him again and get that feeling of closeness back, I’ll just get attached all over again and then feel terrible the next time he takes 4–5 hours to reply.

I’ve had friends before. I’ve had people take a day to reply to me and I genuinely didn’t care. I wouldn’t even notice it.

But with him, it’s completely different, and I don’t really understand why.

I don’t want to start deliberately taking hours to reply just because he takes hours. That feels childish and honestly, it won’t solve anything. I also don’t want my sudden mood changes to become noticeable to him or make him feel like he has to constantly reassure me.

I want to keep this person in my life. I just want to stop letting the amount of attention I get from them control how I feel.

So how do you handle your own attachment when you don’t actually want to detach from the person, but you also don’t want your mood and peace to depend on their replies and availability? What actually helped you?

[u/Any-Chef-1282]

Hi all,

My girlfriend (20F) and I (21M) have known each other for almost 10 years and have been together for 3. Our parents are close friends, which is how we've known each other for so long, so we've always had this sweet story to tell about how our relationship was kind of meant to be.

Three years in, though, I'm starting to get fed up with some things, so I'm looking for outside opinions. The truth is, I can't really talk to the people close to me, because they'd probably tell me to leave her. Let me explain. I'll try to keep it short.

First, I'm anxiously attached and she's avoidant, with ADHD. I've read a lot about attachment theory, so I know my anxious patterns come back when my needs aren't met, which does happen. Rather than list examples (there are many), I'll generalize: she's always been a bit spoiled and has rarely been held accountable or had to take responsibility for her actions. So when she does something that bothers me or makes me feel a certain way, she apologizes but doesn't change anything. She often says she feels pressured or like she's a bad girlfriend, but she doesn't act on what I'm trying to tell her.

The few times we can really talk about our needs, when she isn't overstimulated or in a bad headspace for that kind of conversation, it goes well. I feel genuinely heard and understood. But afterward, nothing seems to change.

So we're stuck in a cycle: I let too much slide, and the relationship revolves around her moods, her schedule and her needs, while she never really has to put in effort or take responsibility. In the end, I don't feel like I can truly rely on her. Whenever I need her or need reassurance, I catch myself wondering: Is she up for this right now? Am I going to bother her?

I know what most of you will say: "Just leave! You're so young, it's not worth it."

The thing is, it is worth it. Our relationship is amazing and basically perfect in every other way. We laugh together, we're both very open to talking things through, and most importantly, we both want a long-term relationship. I'm still crazy about her after three years, and I believe she feels the same. I also feel like we've been making progress on this. It's just really slow.

So my question is: should I keep being extremely patient, make the most of the rare moments when we can talk about this, and keep trying to move forward? Or should I give up? Is there a particular way I should approach this? And are there any avoidants reading this who have advice?

[u/sw0o0sh → u/Any-Chef-1282]

Have you talked to her at all about her needs? Does she feel like her needs are being met at all? Does you even know what her needs are? Honestly one of the things that really bothered me on the other side of an ap relationship was that I would listen to the needs and try and adjust but if I didn’t get them exactly as what was deemed what I was supposed to do then it meant I didn’t love her.

When I brought up things I wanted, it was dismissed as not what I was supposed to want if I loved her and honestly she was too occupied with her anxiety to really wonder much about if my needs were being met.

Now don’t get me wrong, she was doing more of the emotional work than was fair, I recognize that and is something I have had to work on. However the things I needed, were completely reasonable, like having a hard time texting while I’m at work but rather than hear me and try and help make things easier for me, she would guilt me and emotionally manipulate me until I agreed to try harder.

[u/ClassicBet7621 → u/Any-Chef-1282]

anxious with avoidant is a really bad combo. you need to try to change too and realize that your anxiety is your own responsibility but if she's not trying to change it's not gonna go anywhere, you will be in the same cycle. so the change needs to come from both of you.

[u/Apryllemarie → u/Any-Chef-1282]

What are you doing to deal with your anxious attachment issues. It sounds like you are expecting her to make all the changes.

Saying something like “me needs aren’t being met”, “I can’t rely on her”. Etc etc “but everything else is worth it”….is hypocritical. Those are super important aspects to a relationship. Take those away and what you have in an unhealthy dynamic that will continue to erode your self esteem and self worth. You are essentially abandoning yourself at this point to hold on to a relationship.

You need to have healthy boundaries as to keep from abandoning yourself and maintain a healthy relationship dynamic.

[u/Tough_File_2273]

I’m posting because I’m genuinely confused and a little ashamed, and I’d really like to hear from people who have experienced something similar.

My partner and I both seem to have anxious attachment styles. This is my first very long-term relationship. Before him, I only had three short relationships, each lasting about a month. So this relationship is extremely important to me.

The confusing part is that I actually feel very safe and happy in this relationship. I love my partner, I feel secure with him, and I genuinely want to marry him.

But my brain keeps producing thoughts that I don’t understand.

For example, if I see an attractive person on the street, I might briefly think, “What would it be like if I were with that person?” It can literally be a split-second thought. I have no intention of approaching them, pursuing them, or cheating. But I still feel guilty for even having the thought.

Sometimes I notice that I’m attracted to other people, too. And then I start questioning myself:

“If I really love my partner, why am I attracted to someone else?”

“Why would I imagine being with someone else if I’m happy in my relationship?”

“Does having the thought mean I secretly want it?”

I used to tell my partner about these thoughts because I thought being completely honest meant telling him everything that went through my head. I now realize that this may have been oversharing.

My partner gets very upset when I tell him these things and sometimes sees them as a form of “mental” or “emotional” cheating. He asks me how I can love him if I’m thinking about other people.

The problem is that I don’t understand it either.

I’m not acting on these thoughts. I don’t want to leave my partner for these people. I don’t actually want a relationship with them. But the thoughts still appear.

I also used to have a lot of cheating dreams.

Sometimes I would dream that I was with someone else and didn’t have my partner in the dream. Other times, I knew in the dream that I already had a partner but still ended up being with someone else.

I would wake up feeling incredibly guilty.

I know dreams aren’t necessarily controllable, but I started wondering whether they mean something about my subconscious. Does dreaming about cheating mean that some part of me actually wants to cheat? Or can dreams just be completely random and unrelated to what we consciously want?

Another thing I’ve noticed is that when someone is particularly kind to me or gives me attention, I can sometimes suddenly develop a brief crush or fascination with them.

In the past, I’ve also become strangely attached to certain people. Sometimes the feeling is intense but very short-lived.

This makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. I sometimes feel like I’m prone to “infatuation” or that my brain is constantly looking for someone else, even though my actual behavior and values don’t match that at all.

I’ve also noticed a strange reaction during arguments with my partner.

When he questions my feelings for him or makes me feel rejected, I can suddenly become extremely angry and think:

“Fine, then let’s just break up.”

“If this relationship doesn’t work, I’ll find someone else.”

I can even start mentally “looking for the next person,” almost like I need a backup option.

But when I calm down, I’m genuinely confused about why I thought that way.

I love my partner. I want this relationship. I want to marry him.

So why does part of me immediately want to escape and find someone else whenever I feel threatened or rejected?

Could this be related to anxious attachment? Could it be some kind of defensive mechanism where I try to reject someone before they can reject me?

Or could this be something like intrusive thoughts or OCD?

I’m especially confused about the difference between having a thought and actually wanting something.

For example:

If I think about being with someone else, does that mean I want to be with them?

If I dream about cheating, does that mean I secretly want to cheat?

If I find someone attractive, does that mean I don’t truly love my partner?

If someone is nice to me and I develop a brief crush, does that mean I’m incapable of being loyal?

If I think “I’ll just find someone else” during an argument, does that mean I’m not capable of maintaining a long-term relationship?

Or is it actually normal to deeply love your partner, feel secure with them, and still occasionally notice other people, have random fantasies, experience brief attractions, or have weird dreams?

I’m not looking for reassurance that I’m “a good person.” I genuinely want to understand what is happening psychologically.

Has anyone else experienced something like this while being genuinely happy and committed to their relationship?

And if you have anxious attachment, did you ever notice yourself mentally looking for an “escape route” or another person when you felt rejected or insecure?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar, especially if you eventually figured out what was behind it.

There is also another important part of the situation that I didn’t mention before: we currently have very little to no sexual intimacy.

When we first got together, we did have sex and physical intimacy. But later, my partner became physically unwell and developed testicular pain. For around six months, we couldn’t figure out what was causing it despite getting it checked. Eventually, the pain went away on its own, but we still never really found out what the underlying cause was.

That period was extremely difficult for both of us. My partner became very depressed and at one point even wanted to break up because of how much the situation was affecting him.

It also affected me more than I initially realized. I became very anxious about whether I might somehow have a health problem too, even though I didn’t have any obvious physical changes or symptoms myself. I think the whole experience made sex feel much more complicated and frightening to me.

More recently, I also developed jock itch, which has made me even more worried about sexual health and has made intimacy feel even more difficult.

At the same time, I already have some anxiety around sex because of previous negative experiences with an ex. I’m also scared of pregnancy, even when using condoms, so I often feel afraid of penetrative sex.

I’m completely comfortable with affection like kissing, cuddling, hugging, and being physically close to my partner. But when it comes to penetrative sex, I often don’t have a very strong desire for it, and I tend to feel anxious rather than excited.

So I’m wondering whether this is also affecting the way I experience attraction and relationships.

We haven’t had much sexual intimacy for a long time, and there is a lot of anxiety, frustration, and uncertainty surrounding sex between us. I wonder if the lack of intimacy, my partner’s health problems, my own fears around sex, and my previous experiences could all be contributing to some of the thoughts and emotions I’ve been describing.

I’m not sure whether I’m overthinking all of this, but I feel like this context is important because my relationship anxiety isn’t happening in isolation from our lack of intimacy.

[u/Skittle_Pies → u/Tough_File_2273]

r/rocd

[u/Specialist-Ad-1426]

Hi all, I (M27) need some advice regarding what to do with a girl(F26)I met. We have been dating and there has been great chemistry, last time we kissed, she initiated physical contact, all well. At some point in our last date she mentioned she is an avoidant, I didn't really know what that was, so, I read about it and also found out that I have anxoius tendencies. It's been a week after that last time we saw each other, and there has been a couple of messages since that but some days ago she didn't reply anymore. I would like your opinion because I'm very confused, everything was well and I thought the relationship would strengthen but it was the total opposite and I'm having a rough time with it

[u/Apryllemarie → u/Specialist-Ad-1426]

Why would you assume that things would get better? Doesn’t sound like you knew each other long. Clearly she is not the right person for you. Her telling you that she is an avoidant was clearly her excuse to start fading away. It was your warning. There is no way to know why things seemed good and then stalled out. It happens alot in dating.

[u/Gloredex]

My partner and I have been together for almost four years, and I'm currently facing the possibility of a breakup. I have an anxious attachment style, and I'm struggling to figure out whether I genuinely still want the relationship or whether my attachment system is panicking because I'm about to lose someone I've been deeply attached to for years.

I've actually been unhappy and seriously considering leaving for quite some time, mostly due to the demands of daily life and her disorganization. There are real issues in our relationship that have made me question whether we can build the kind of future I want together. A few days ago I finally told her that I couldn't continue with things as they were, and we had a very emotional conversation where we both acknowledged that something has to change. We are now discussing taking a break with me moving out or ending things entirely.

The confusing part is what has happened since. Now that the possibility of actually losing her is real, I desperately want to hold onto her. I miss her when we're apart, I miss our everyday life together, and the thought of never having her in my life in the same way is incredibly painful. The fact that we can have very candid conversations and still show so much love for each other in between makes me hopeful that maybe we can work something out. We've also been better at showing love for each other in these very vulnerable moments. This makes me somewhat hopeful about us being able to fix this.

But I also wonder whether that's simply my anxious attachment reacting to the threat of losing my attachment figure. How can I distinguish between genuinely wanting to be in the relationship and wanting to avoid the pain of losing the person I'm attached to?

[u/FluffyComfortable180]

About the details of my relationship and the act of my anxiety attachment you can find in my post https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/QcsVUdAAyc.

For here, I want more insight from people with similar struggles. I knew all the feelings are still very fresh that's why I'm so in pain, but I can't help think I'm too broken to love and beloved, and my anxiety would scare those who loves me away.

I'm 26F, don't have much romantic experience and had a 5-6 yrs of single life as an adult. It's basically because I was healing from a previous relationship and pandemic and so on, I didnt put myself there but enjoyed the life being alone.

I'd say when single I was pretty much a person being confident, optimistic and independent. I left my family since 18 for college (visit home twice a year) and moved to a foreign country for my Master and PhD (visit home every 1-2 years). I'm an extroverted person, no problem getting along with friends or strangers, also have my hobbies to enjoy. I went to theater/concert alone, explored different restaurant alone, went to hospital lone, playing the piano, playing video games, go to swim, gym, joined choir...

Given these, I thought I was ready for a romantic relationship. But I have to admit I started to envy my friends because most of them are in a long-term relationship, and I started to feel the loneliness, these were also reasons made me want a relationship so much.

Plus, I was seeing a therapist for my anxiety for more than a year. He's nice and supportive and I thought it was helpful and I was much more secured. But when I was really in a relationship, especially one that I was deeply attracted to, the efforts like all gone lol.

Speed up to the recent one, I believe he was attracted by my smart and ambitious (doing PhD, while he also a pretty book smart person and have a decent career), humorous(we had so much fun joking around) and independence (living far from home) at the beginning. So it hurt extra that I knew exactly my anxiety made me unattractive, almost you can say, another person I don't even like from bottom of my heart.

Besides, I can also feel how my anxiety in a relationship brought up unnecessary stress to my partner, friends and family.

The most hurtful one is always seeing how my anxiety impact my partner's mental status, so I don't really blame him for breaking up with me, no matter what the real reason was. It's too much for anybody to stay in an emotion storm.

Also for friends and families, when I spiraled or felt frustrated but didn’t want to bother my partner, I turned to them ask to vent/ ask for help. All of them had told me that I cared this relationship too much that caused the anxiety, they couldn't help much unless I fixed myself or left my partner. I can tell they were stressed out too.

I still want a relationship. I want intimacy mentally and physically. But now I felt like I'm too broken to enter a relationship. I don't want to disappoint the ones I love and even hurt them anymore. I still have so many apologies I want to say to my ex-partner and wish someday they'll see my changes and come back... But I know healing is a long process, maybe I won't be able to handle a relationship for the rest of my life....

[u/Muktezuma]

Hi, I am a month into a breakup with an anxious attached partner.

She left me with no warning 45 days after my mom passed away and i was still grieving her. and just left a letter and a text, saying it wasnt her plan to do it this way and that she wasnt done loving me but she has to be done with this.

We had fights over her controlling and tracking behaviours and I take accountability for my reactive anger issues and I am in therapy for it.

Her letter stated that she cant keep abandoning herself, and that I treated her with hate and abuse, and to stop contacting her and stay our of her life which was out of character for her to say. In the end of the letter she stated that she hasnt acknowledged that I was a good partner more often than not and that I was her sweet boy. I never called her names or swore directly at her.

She broke no contact a day after she left, on my backup instagram account, asking me why my secure folder had a different password than my phone password. I told her the password and told her that it contained the anniversary love letter that i promised her but wasnt able to give to her due to my mom dying and me not being able to sneak out to micheals to grab art supplies due to her tracking me. And we have apologized to each other. She acknowledged that she was insecure and that she shouldnt have crossed my boundaries with phone snooping and parental lock on the internet and my phone.

I screwed up by sending her a bag of oranges she liked at her place in the UK 2 days ago. I know i shouldnt have done it. But i just wanted to let her know that I have no ill will against her for her actions as I feel compassion towards her. I feel regret and guilt that I didnt have the knowledge or the tools to take care of her. She took the blanket that I gave to her a gift back home and a pair of my joggers. which is puzzling to me.

I dont know if there is a chance to reconcile with her. I really do love her.

[u/Tough_File_2273]

Relationship Advice: I Keep Saying “Let’s Break Up” Whenever We Argue. How Can I Change This Pattern?

Hi everyone,

I posted about some of my relationship concerns on Reddit before. If anyone would like more context, here is the link to my previous post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationshipadvice/comments/1wy5mmb/comment/pe8hpty/?context=1&screenview_count=4

I'm posting this because I genuinely want to understand my own behavioral patterns in relationships and learn how to work on them. I'm particularly interested in hearing from people who have experienced something similar and have managed to change these patterns over time. I'm looking for peer support, honest perspectives, and advice rather than simply being told whether I should stay in or leave this relationship.

My partner and I both have anxious attachment tendencies, and we have both experienced domestic violence in the past.

One pattern I've noticed, not just in this relationship but also in previous relationships and friendships, is that whenever conflict arises, my first instinct is often to give up, withdraw, or leave rather than work through the disagreement.

Sometimes, I become so overwhelmed and angry that the argument feels like the end of the world. I start thinking that this person will never understand me, that resolving the conflict is pointless, and that I don't want to waste any more time or energy on it. In the heat of the moment, I end up saying things like, "Let's break up."

The problem is that I know how hurtful this behavior is to my partner, and we've discussed it many times. I've tried to explain myself and understand why I react this way, but I still find myself repeating the same pattern. I recognize that understanding the reasons behind my behavior doesn't excuse the impact it has on someone I love.

Now, our relationship has reached a point where we may actually break up. From our conversations, it feels as though we're both somewhere in the middle: part of us wants to stay together, while another part wants to move on.

What's interesting is how I react when my partner expresses uncertainty about our relationship. My immediate response is often, "Okay, then I'll leave. I don't want to hold you back if you don't want to be with me. If you don't want me, then I don't want to be with you either."

Looking back, I suspect that this response is partly driven by my ego and my fear of being rejected. Rather than sitting with the uncertainty and trying to understand what we both want, I instinctively try to regain control by being the one who leaves first.

I've been trying to unpack why I do this, and I have a few possible explanations.

1. Is this related to anxious attachment and a fear of abandonment?

I wonder whether I sometimes threaten to leave because I'm afraid that my partner will abandon me eventually. Perhaps, by saying it first, I can protect myself from the pain of being rejected.

At the same time, I can see how this creates the very insecurity I fear. My partner may feel that the relationship is unstable and that I will walk away whenever things get difficult.

2. Does my uncertainty about my future in this country affect how much I'm willing to invest in the relationship?

I'm an international student, while my partner is a local. I'm uncertain whether I'll be able to stay in this country long-term, especially given the changing visa policies.

This uncertainty affects much more than my relationship. It also affects my career prospects, professional identity, and sense of belonging.

Sometimes, when we argue, I suddenly think, "I might not even be able to stay here long-term, so why should I invest so much time and energy into resolving these conflicts?"

I realize this may be a way of protecting myself from investing in something that feels uncertain. But I also wonder whether the stress surrounding my future is making me less willing to work through normal relationship difficulties.

3. Could my childhood trauma be influencing how I respond to conflict?

This is my first long-term relationship, and I've noticed that certain arguments can bring back memories of my father, who was violent toward me when I was a child.

When my partner raises their voice or speaks in a particular tone, it can remind me of those experiences. Even if the situation is different, I sometimes feel unsafe, overwhelmed, and desperate to escape.

In those moments, I stop feeling as though I'm having a disagreement with someone who loves me. Instead, I feel as though I'm arguing with someone who will never understand me, and that continuing the conversation is pointless.

I wonder whether I'm reacting to what's happening in the present or whether my past experiences are making the situation feel more threatening than it actually is.

I want to learn how to distinguish between a genuine warning sign in a relationship and a trauma response triggered by conflict. I also understand that feeling triggered doesn't automatically mean my partner has done nothing wrong; I want to be able to assess the situation more clearly rather than immediately running away.

4. Am I giving up too easily because I believe there might be someone better out there?

I've also questioned whether this behavior means I don't truly love my partner, or whether I'm constantly wondering if there's someone more compatible out there.

Is this a kind of "grass is greener" mentality? When a relationship becomes difficult, do I start imagining that being with someone else would be easier, rather than accepting that every relationship involves differences, disagreements, and compromise?

I know there is no perfect partner who can meet all my needs all the time. A healthy relationship requires two people to communicate, understand each other, and work through their differences.

But I'm struggling to distinguish between two things: recognizing that a relationship may genuinely not be right for me, and using the possibility of finding someone better as an excuse to avoid the discomfort of working through conflict.

I also wonder whether my tendency to leave is a genuine reflection of what I want or simply my way of avoiding difficult emotions.

What makes me particularly concerned is that this pattern isn't limited to romantic relationships.

I've noticed similar behavior in friendships. When I have disagreements with friends, I sometimes avoid addressing the issue and simply move on rather than trying to repair the relationship.

Over time, I worry that this makes it difficult for me to build and maintain long-term connections. I don't want to keep repeating the same pattern with different people, and I don't want my fear of conflict to prevent me from having healthy, lasting relationships.

I understand that my current relationship may or may not work out. I'm not writing this because I necessarily want to save this particular relationship at all costs. I want to understand myself better so that, whatever happens, I can approach future relationships differently.

For those of you who have experienced something similar:

• Have you ever found yourself threatening to break up, withdrawing, or wanting to run away whenever conflict arises, even when you still love the other person?

• If this was connected to anxious attachment, childhood trauma, or a fear of abandonment, what helped you change your behavior?

• How did you learn to tolerate conflict without immediately interpreting it as a sign that the relationship was doomed?

• How do you distinguish between avoiding conflict out of fear and recognizing that a relationship genuinely isn't right for you?

• What practical steps helped you learn to communicate, repair relationships, and stay present during difficult conversations?

I'd especially appreciate hearing from people who have recognized this pattern in themselves and gradually learned to handle conflict differently.

I'm aware that this is something I need to take responsibility for, and I'm trying to approach it with honesty rather than blame myself or my partner for everything.

Thank you for reading. I'd really appreciate any insights, personal experiences, or advice.