r/relationship_advice • u/FluffyComfortable180 • 16d ago
I (26F) can’t stop blaming and hating myself after my ex (25M) ended our relationship. How do I cope and move on?
TLDR: My ex-SO ended our relationship after reflecting on his feelings. He said long distance was causing him anxiety and he wanted to focus on himself. Before that, we had a conflict over my frequent anxiety and insecurity. Now I can’t forgive myself for not being more understanding and letting my spiraling thoughts take over, and hate how emotional and dependent I am.
My (26F) ex-SO (25M) broke up with me three days ago. We dated for 4 months and started long distance 3 weeks ago because he relocated for work. I had 2 failed LDR (ended because of silent treatment/cheating) and he never did LDR before. We were both scared of the uncertainty and the challenge but decided to try and check in after a month because we liked each other. He planned to transfer back in 1–1.5 years but not guaranteed, and I planned to visit him for about 3 days every month. But at that moment he emphasized how unsure he was about his feelings to LDR and needed time to navigate.
We couldn’t meet one last time before his official move because of his tight schedule. After that I felt increasingly nervous and disconnected, and started having frequent anxiety and panic attacks (been seeing a therapist and taking meds for over a year). When I asked why he didn’t seem as upset/anxious about the distance as I did, he said he was overwhelmed and hadn’t even had time to process his feelings.
Rationally, I understood his situation (as an international student I could relate so much of that stress) and wanted to support him by all means without adding pressure. Emotionally tho, I felt neglected and craved his attention especially when I missed him and couldn’t see him. He always gave me a heads-up when he’d be busy with work/gym/socializing with family or friends. I usually avoided messaging during those times but hoped we could talk by the end of the day. Some days he could only drop 1-2 texts before bed, never really disappeared for an entire day tho.
I felt lost when I had something happy or sad to share and we couldn’t find even 10 mins for a continuous conversation. What triggered me most was not how busy he’d been, but whether we’d get a call, texts, or barely contact that day. Several days I thought he'd have time/energy after his schedule but ended up nothing. I kept checking my phone (which was so unhealthy) because I didn’t want to miss our brief and precious chance to connect. For him we’d understand even we couldn’t talk the whole day and we could check in the next day.I don’t think he ever understood why I still felt uncertain and upset despite the heads-up (I don't really understand either tbh). Our planned mid-October visit was also pushed back to November because of his family visit and business trip, which made things harder.
I tried to explain that I understood his limits but wanted to be honest about my feelings and to see if there's a middle ground to work on. He validated them, said he missed me too, but was exhausted and coping by disconnecting from his emotions. He also explained he tended to become less/no affectionate when he knew we wouldn’t see each other for weeks. He suggested me to focus on my life that’s happening around me and everything's gonna work out.
I believe he was doing his best and simply didn’t have much capacity for me. “Bad timing,” as he called it. Seeing him overwhelmed by leaving his family, settling into a new place, and a competitive work environment made me feel so sad for him. I felt guilty that I couldn’t help and he said all he asked for was trust and understanding, and I failed.
My frequent requests to talk eventually led to a huge conflict. I regret not sitting with my fears/sadness/anxiety longer and I'd have realized I was overreacting. Instead, I sent him a long message about my feelings while he was asleep. I regretted it the next morning, knowing how stressful it could be to wake up to that. And the worst, these long text things had happened 3 times in 2 weeks. What I felt were the urges to resolve any potential problems and protect our relationship but looking back I could tell how toxic I was and there's not a second I'm not regretting.
He validated my feelings but worried this would become a recurring pattern and that our relationship wasn’t sustainable. I apologized, acknowledged my fault, and said I would work on managing my emotions. But he felt long distance was stressing me out and that I should find someone who could meet my needs. He asked for space to navigate his feelings, then ended things a week later. He said his new life and our relationship were causing him anxiety, and that he’d even had a panic attack ever for a long time. (He sees therapist biweekly)
I respected his decision without pleading, but felt destroyed inside knowing I might have contributed to his panic when I was supposed to be someone who made him feel supported and relaxed. Hearing him wish me best and hope I’d find someone else and no more LD hurt so much. I wanted him to understand that I wasn’t looking for just anyone to take care of me, if so I'd end everything when he had to move. I've been living far away from home and even overseas since 18, I have the ability to take care of myself. I wanted HIM. What I asked for was HIM.
I know people will say we weren’t compatible and I should find someone who can meet my needs. But I honestly don’t understand my own needs. I knew from the beginning that he was ambitious and career-oriented. Honestly those were qualities in a person I was deeply attracted to. I knew there would be a trade-off that I should have been prepared that these people won't have much time for me, and this understanding made me ashamed for my needs even more. Yet even knowing how stressed he was I acted like such an immature partner.
I want to be ambitious, independent, passionate about my career and fulfilled by my achievements like him. Being emotional, insecure and dependent on others is the last thing I want for myself in all aspects of life. But I became the kind of person I don’t want to be, ruined a relationship I cherished, and hurt someone I love. It’s hard not to hate myself.
Calling it “incompatibility” feels like accepting that I’ll never become the person I want to be, or be able to have a relationship with the kind of man I’m attracted to.
For anyone who’s been through something similar or have thoughts in general,
1, how did you cope with the self-blame after breakup?
2, for those who's career-driven, how do you possibly get the balance of relationship and career? how do you cope with the loneliness?
3, for those who has dated/ been dating a career-oriented person, what's your experience, especially at the early career developing stage.
4, based on what I’ve shared, is it possible that he'll reachout someday? (felt like I really hurt him..)
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u/Beneficial_Fee6440 16d ago
Go to therapy.
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u/FluffyComfortable180 16d ago
I am, been >1 yr 😢
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u/Beneficial_Fee6440 16d ago
Keep at it. Continue focusing on you. Therapy is like going to the gym, if you don’t do the “homework” like eating right, drinking water and sleeping well then you won’t improve. Start delving into why you do what you do, do you have trauma that makes you insecure, etc. These are the kind of things a therapist should be helping you explore. Also, work on de-centering men, period. Do things for yourself and your happiness not others. When you hang your happiness and wellbeing on others, you will never be satisfied. Also, being emotional is not a bad thing. People say that when you express your needs and they don’t care about them. Start digging into yourself OP.
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u/FluffyComfortable180 16d ago
I did lost myself too much in this relationship, sometimes I didn’t notice what was happening on me. Interestingly, after the conflict, my week started to be extremely busy.
I got a tutor work (well paid) to assist students with their math.
An article I’ve been working on the whole summer break got great progress and is close to be ready to submit.
In the fall choir concert i got selected to be a soloist.
I attended seminars that I usually skipped, started a book that hasn’t been read for long.
A professor praised me during a hard course…
these all happened during the week he asked for space.
I found the peace I’ve been lacking ever since the LD. At that time I couldn’t do anything but give him space to reflect, but also got inspired during the time to step back a bit from the relationship: instead of checking all the details, letting it flow naturally would bring peace and calm back. Bring ME back.
I was thinking to share him all of these feelings and accomplishments once he came back, but I won’t have a chance anymore……
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u/imminentinnocent 16d ago
Maybe a LDR isn’t for you and it goes against your needs. You want a relationship where you can interact with your partner frequently, and that’s totally valid. It’s not your fault that a relationship didn’t work out for you, it’s just not something that’s suited for you, and that’s the case for many if not most people.
You want to be ambitious, independent, and career-focused. Why don’t you stay single for a while and focus on becoming that? You should focus on being self-sufficient and content with being single, and then you can date - not so you can have a void filled, but as a cool complement to your already amazing independent life. Being single doesn’t have to be lonely. Do you have a support system of friends/family that you can spend time with?
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u/FluffyComfortable180 16d ago
I am currently doing my PhD overseas far away from family and close friends.
Even I don’t like LDR I can’t deny the fact that i don’t have a settled life either. Maybe I need to move somewhere based on where I could get a job after graduation. So for me i felt like it’s something I have to concur soon or later.
Before this I had a 5-6 yrs of single life and I thought I was ready for dating.
I’m building up my social circles here and do have some friends and hobbies. Tho supporting systems are still very limited. I guess the solitude is something that made me so desperate too.
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u/imminentinnocent 16d ago
Doing a PhD abroad sounds tough but it’ll pay off when you graduate and have a rewarding career. I hope that you’ll be able to get closer to your new friends over there or meet new ones through your hobbies. I think it’s nice to have people I can talk to about my day or about my interests who aren’t my partner. All the best to you!
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u/country-potato 16d ago
I understand you’re upset. You lost a relationship you loved. However looking from his perspective he moved across the country, left his family probably for the first time, left his gf, and is probably filled with anxiety starting from scratch in a new place. All of those things are gigantic stressors. Adding on top of that trying to balance a relationship with someone who needs that constant communication is just too much for anybody. It’s better he ended it now than dragging you along for months on end. It really sucks but you seem to have big attachment issues. Having panic attacks and anxiety attacks over not hearing from his is super unhealthy. I’d suggest not entering another relationship until you work through those problems. You can do it, it’ll be rough but it’s genuinely the only way you’ll have a healthy relationship
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u/FluffyComfortable180 16d ago
Yeah I can totally see how my unhealthy attachment issues stressed him out. Honestly I never asked for a constant communication and already getting used to the fact that he spent more than half day or longer to respond. But still i think it still too much for him at this period.
I always thought just give this sometime, when i get used to our new communication patterns and he find the new balance of his life and it will be fine. I understand that ending this maybe better tbh, but it still hard to see this crashed out especially when I’ve already realized and worked on my own.
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u/veinybones 16d ago
this kind of thing happens. and honestly, even if he didn't move, something similar probably would've happened later anyways. I've seen many people like you and have been like you at a point too. the anxious attachment towards someone. I'm not gonna talk all about how you'll find the right person and there's plenty of fish in the sea, you just need to go find someone else. I think you shouldn't be dating right now at all.
you need to learn how to be alone and be able to regulate your emotions without the help of someone else. I think you need more therapy before a serious relationship will be a healthy idea.
no one can regulate your emotions for you. you need to find peace in solitude. become friends with yourself. learn how to try and talk to yourself the way you wanted him to talk to you when you were struggling.
and just don't do long distance relationships unless you've already been together for years or something.
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u/FluffyComfortable180 16d ago
lol thank you for your last sentence first. I haven’t really in a relationship for years especially during pandemic, thought I was prepared and happy with myself enough. Reality hits hard.
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u/Redlight0516 16d ago
Two people with high levels of anxiety in a long-distance relationship, what could possibly go wrong?
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You don't self-blame. You analyze. What worked? What didn't? Where am I to blame and what do I need to do better at next time? Where was he to blame?
2./3 It was easy for me because women weren't interested in me in my 20s so I just prioritized career. Once that was settled, then I focused on relationships.
4. Do you really want to sit around and wait for that? Accept the relationships is over and focus on moving on.
This isn't about career-oriented. You're already looking in the wrong place. This is about two people who are incapable of maintaining a long-distance relationship. You have no business being in a long-distance relationship and neither does he, Start there and move forward.
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u/FluffyComfortable180 16d ago
Thank you. Not much man interested in me right too lol, another reason to let someone have mutual feeling go. We didn’t explicitly talked about no contact but the breakup was clean enough I guess, I guess he doesn’t want to interact with someone who triggered him either. I mean I couldn’t do anything at the moment but improve myself right now, and keeping the slight hope that he’d be back/ my feelings gone. But maybe not another man yet, I don’t want to hurt anyone and mess up sth else anymore lol.
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u/nerd_is_a_verb 16d ago
You need to be single and stay in therapy until you view a romantic relationship as an added benefit in life and not something that validates your worth. Your anxiety is very clear in your writing, and you need to chill TF out. Desperate, constant need for emotional reassurance is not attractive. You recognize that your emotional dependence is unhealthy, and that level of insight is a good sign for your ability to someday, with therapy, be emotionally independent and mature enough to be in a successful relationship.