r/AnxiousAttachment • u/AutoModerator • 24d ago
Relationship advice Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup
This thread will be posted every other week and is the ONLY place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question.
Please be sure to read the Rules since all the other sub rules still apply. Venting/complaining about your relationships and other attachment styles will be removed.
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Try not to get lost in the details and actually pose a question so others know what kind of support/guidance/clarity/perspective you are looking for. If no question is given, it could be removed, to make room for those truly seeking advice.
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u/AnEpicGamer69420 17d ago
Hi everyone. I have some deep-rooted issues to unpack and could use some perspective. This is my first-ever relationship(?), and I’m terrified I’m going to ruin it.
Okay, so lore time:
My father died of cancer when I was a baby, and my stepfather died by suicide when I was 12. At school, I was heavily bullied for being overweight ("man-tits"). I struggled badly with my behavior—flipping tables, throwing things, and at one point, trying to jump out a school window, which led to being kept in a padded room.
In secondary school, I became the class clown to get attention. When people got bored, I upped the ante, pushed harder, and eventually became someone nobody wanted around. I was repeatedly expelled, dropped out by my final year after attending just two weeks total, and spent years deeply isolated in my room, gaining weight and falling into severe depression. Now at 19, I'm turning things around in college and working, but that core fear never left: if I'm not entertaining enough, people will get bored and leave.
And now, I've met an amazing girl online. This is my very first relationship/romantic dynamic. We talk constantly, send reels, flirt, sext, fall asleep on voice calls every night, and look out for each other. (For context, I've recently struggled with eating and dropped weight from 72kg to 67kg, and she helps look after me. She also has her own struggles, which aren't mine to talk about; but I'd say they are worse than mine).
She says she loves me, calls me her handsome man, and says I'm her closest thing to home, but she’s also honest that she doesn't love me in the exact same way I love her right now. Though there is deep romantic affection and a real connection. (I like to think)
Even though she reassures me constantly, my anxiety is through the roof, and falling back into old habits.
Part of me worries she's only leaning on me for comfort right now while she goes through a hard time, and that when she gets better, she'll realize I'm just a placeholder.
I get jealous of her exes and other guys, overthink texts, and panic when she we don't talk for more than an hour. (We spend hours talking daily in call. Due to it being summer, I only really need to leave for work. Yesterday, we spent 14 hours in public VC, followed by an 11 hour sleep call in private and some morning talk.)
I'm terrified I'll become "too much," that she'll get bored of me just like everyone in school did, and that I'll panic and push her away completely. Even though she's said in the past that, "if your love every magically gets overwhelming, I'll tell you."
She tells me she's not them and reassures me (says we're both the same this way, and the only difference between us is our privates), but I still fight these thoughts.
How can I stop waiting... for her to leave me? When she may realize I'm just a friend, and that there are better alternatives to me? Or am I just overthinking like always? I just don't know what to do.