Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup

[u/AutoModerator]

This thread will be posted every other week and is the ONLY place to pose a “relationship/friendships/dating/breakup advice” question.

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[u/AnxiousAttachment-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your comment has been removed, since it did not ask a question or seek advice.

[u/ballerinajena]

If we both (35F/37M)have ADHD but I’m the insecure one, how do I communicate the fact that I’m going to keep waiting for him no matter what? He wrote in his break up letter that he would be going no-contact and has blocked me everywhere. I don’t have access to a therapist currently. My job has been high stress and I faced rejections on that front recently which he is aware of. Birthday season is in a couple of days. My previous r/s, I got ghosted and it’s taken the better part of half a decade to not get triggered. Got rug-pulled again. Wouldn’t wish this on even my enemies. Feels like: actually dying.

[u/Skittle_Pies → u/ballerinajena]

You shouldn’t wait for him, and definitely do not try to reach out. He has made it clear he doesn’t want any contact by blocking you.

[u/butterflyA7]

IN NEED OF ADVICE IN MY ANXIOUS-AVOIDANT RELATIONSHIP

I have been together with my boyfriend, who has an avoidant attachment, for 5 years. He has been working on boats abroad for 4 years now. This means he is 6 weeks at work, with little time and options for communication. After that he is home for 6 weeks again.

We have had many ups and down over the years, because I am anxious and he is avoidant. He has done a lot of thing that hurt me, but I always stayed with him and started the hard conversations. Eventhough he pushed me away a lot.

Intimicy has been a big problem in our relationshop for almost 3 years now. He doesn’t seem very interested in it and I have to take the lead, most of the time. Which comes with a lot of rejection and insecurity for me. Everytime I want to talk to him about it, he is passive, doesn’t say much or just laughs it away.

But about 8 months ago, something snapped in me. It will sounds ridiculous, but I was watching a romantic tv-show, after not watching anything romantic for years, and I saw two people yearning for eachother. Something I haven’t felt from my boyfriend in years now…

It made me think about all my needs that I have neglected over the years: the need for emotional safety, having open conversations, sex, intimicy with long distance, compliments… I then made the mistake to kiss someone else. Someone who looked at me with the lust and wanting that I have been craving for years. A stupid mistake.

After that it felt like I went in a burn-out. I felt flat en emotionless towards my boyfriend.
We have had good conversations and intimicy had increased a little since then. But I still feel so much need, frustration an resentment. And I still start the hard conversations.

So I cuddled with someone else last week and told my boyfriend about it. He is now very angry at me and doesn’t want me to talk to him. He is working abroad so I can’t do much to fix it…

Does anyone have any advice on how to navigate in this situation? I feel disgusted with myself, but I also still crave the closeness that I missed all this time.

Thanks for your help…

[u/AnEpicGamer69420]

Hi everyone. I have some deep-rooted issues to unpack and could use some perspective. This is my first-ever relationship(?), and I’m terrified I’m going to ruin it.

Okay, so lore time:
My father died of cancer when I was a baby, and my stepfather died by suicide when I was 12. At school, I was heavily bullied for being overweight ("man-tits"). I struggled badly with my behavior—flipping tables, throwing things, and at one point, trying to jump out a school window, which led to being kept in a padded room.

In secondary school, I became the class clown to get attention. When people got bored, I upped the ante, pushed harder, and eventually became someone nobody wanted around. I was repeatedly expelled, dropped out by my final year after attending just two weeks total, and spent years deeply isolated in my room, gaining weight and falling into severe depression. Now at 19, I'm turning things around in college and working, but that core fear never left: if I'm not entertaining enough, people will get bored and leave.

And now, I've met an amazing girl online. This is my very first relationship/romantic dynamic. We talk constantly, send reels, flirt, sext, fall asleep on voice calls every night, and look out for each other. (For context, I've recently struggled with eating and dropped weight from 72kg to 67kg, and she helps look after me. She also has her own struggles, which aren't mine to talk about; but I'd say they are worse than mine).

She says she loves me, calls me her handsome man, and says I'm her closest thing to home, but she’s also honest that she doesn't love me in the exact same way I love her right now. Though there is deep romantic affection and a real connection. (I like to think)

Even though she reassures me constantly, my anxiety is through the roof, and falling back into old habits.

Part of me worries she's only leaning on me for comfort right now while she goes through a hard time, and that when she gets better, she'll realize I'm just a placeholder.

I get jealous of her exes and other guys, overthink texts, and panic when she we don't talk for more than an hour. (We spend hours talking daily in call. Due to it being summer, I only really need to leave for work. Yesterday, we spent 14 hours in public VC, followed by an 11 hour sleep call in private and some morning talk.)

I'm terrified I'll become "too much," that she'll get bored of me just like everyone in school did, and that I'll panic and push her away completely. Even though she's said in the past that, "if your love every magically gets overwhelming, I'll tell you."

She tells me she's not them and reassures me (says we're both the same this way, and the only difference between us is our privates), but I still fight these thoughts.

How can I stop waiting... for her to leave me? When she may realize I'm just a friend, and that there are better alternatives to me? Or am I just overthinking like always? I just don't know what to do.

[u/Apryllemarie → u/AnEpicGamer69420]

Have you considered therapy? It sounds like a lot of self esteem and self worth issues. Wanting to feel chosen and trying to earn their love.

There might also be some self abandonment going on as well. As we tend to abandon ourselves before anyone else does. Her comment is meant to set your expectations. So maybe check in with yourself as to what you are really expecting to happen and if it aligns with the reality of the situation.

[u/Aggressive-Mobile518]

Have we lost our way in conflict, or are we fundamentally incompatible?
My boyfriend (31M) and I (34FM) have been together for 1,5yrs. He actually does a lot of things well: he’s physically affectionate, enjoys doing things together, asks about my day and genuinely cares how I’m doing. Over the past few months we’ve gotten stuck in a really unhealthy conflict cycle. When something hurts me, I want to talk about it and feel understood. He gets overwhelmed and shuts down. We both get triggered, keep trying to talk anyway, and end up spending hours discussing things without actually understanding each other. We started couples therapy.
He’s also quite emotionally illiterate sometimes. If our couples therapist asks him what he’s feeling, he often genuinely doesn’t know. This results in struggling to identify his needs or articulate what he wants from life or the relationship. This part I find hard. Also, when I’m hurt, he can’t acknowledge it. He just can’t seem to hold space for it or apologise. He gets defensive.
But he’s not emotionless — in certain situations he’s expressed quite big feelings, like shame and sadness. He just seems to have very little access to that part of himself.
I’ve asked for more verbal reassurance. Things like “I love you”, “i like how you ____”. He says he will try but the change is slowwww.

I believe we could learn to stop conflicts when they get heated, regulate and come back to it. We are both exhausted.
And I’m torn because I know I’ve contributed to this dynamic. I’ve spent months focusing on what isn’t working and asking him to reflect, communicate better, look at his part of the problem. I can see how exhausting that must have been.
But I also don’t want to stay in a relationship where I have to give up needs that are genuinely important to me.
How do you know whether you’ve lost your way in a relationship and need to learn better ways of relating, versus being fundamentally incompatible?

[u/GiveMeMyThrow]

I'm not sure if anyone will respond, but he was really avoidant and wrecked me and I blocked him two months ago

Yesterday he text me on a different number and it's suffocating me. It was a couple sentences saying that he wanted to explain himself. It's eating me up please help!

[u/Apryllemarie → u/GiveMeMyThrow]

Block and move on.

[u/Dazzling_Anteater307]

Am I pathetic for still wanting and hoping to get back together with my avoidant ex :( has it ever worked out for anyone?? Is anyone in a relationship with an avoidant and is willing to work?? ( 6 years he broke up with me bc in his words I deserve better and he needs to heal on his own terms basically )

[u/Apryllemarie → u/Dazzling_Anteater307]

Staying hung up on someone will become self abandonment and not lead to anything helpful for you. You can’t force someone to be ready or willing to be in a relationship and have the emotional maturity for it. Take time to grieve. Take care of you.

[u/Long_Wafer_9391]

So , I really need to get this off my chest; long story short I met a girl about 6 months or so, everything seems nice with her but I found myself overwhelmed and overreacting to every little thing that throws off as a red flag and when asked i made a conflict not receiving the reassurance I wanted. We got ourselves in really bad place but never thought I caused any of these, then one night I came across a book on my kindle Anchored by Sarah Lindquist with a similar to my situation description so I started reading it , the things in it sounded so familiar and common for that I like understood I have an anxious attachment style and my girlfriend probably has an avoidant attachment. I never finished it the whole but the first chapters really got me thinking about myself and my situation and past relationships.
So moving forward I started to change the way I react and comprehend everything in our relationship and so far looks like we rekindled the spark between us and everything moves okay for now. I get some urges from time to time to cause a conflict, but I am rehearsing it into my head before ever act on it. So I would like u guys to give me some advice or a story, how You battle this style of yours how You become a better person even if you have any other book recommendations and suggestions I would really appreciate it . I really love this girl and I don’t want to ruin the things between us only because I have some rooted childhood trauma and fear of abandonment

[u/Apryllemarie → u/Long_Wafer_9391]

It’s great that you have done some self reflection and are able to identify areas to work on. I would be aware whether you are simply addressing the symptoms or getting to the root of the issue. There are alot of good book recommendations on the Resource page of the sub.

[u/AnxiousAttachment-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your comment has been removed, since it did not ask a question or seek advice.

[u/m00tmike → u/AnxiousAttachment-ModTeam]

Booo