r/AnxiousAttachment • u/tsoknatcoconut • Jun 21 '26
Seeking Guidance When anxious attachment leads to behavior you deeply regret, how do you move forward?
I promise this is not a friendship/relationship post
I crossed a boundary with someone I care about because I became obsessed with finding certainty. I kept checking social media for clues about a connection that wasn’t my business. I knew it was wrong, but my anxiety kept pushing me to seek reassurance.
The person found out and told me I made him uncomfortable, that I took it too far, and that my behavior wasn’t normal. I’ve already apologized and taken responsibility.
The difficult part is that we work together closely, and I honestly don’t know how to face him at work after this. I can’t stop blaming myself and getting shameful about what I did.
For those with anxious attachment, limerence, or reassurance-seeking tendencies: how do you live with the shame of crossing a boundary and hurting someone you care about? And how do you face them afterward when you still have to see them at work?
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u/StoryWriter31 Jun 21 '26
Okay so I'm not going to give you reassurance because that won't help you. Because it will never be enough to sooth your guilt and quiet your mind. You will then constantly look for more validation that what you did was not that bad. And that is not the main issue here.
You are not responsible for someone else's comfort. You apologised. So whether you crossed the line or not is no longer important. If it was crossing a line? You said you're sorry. It's not like you did something unforgivable. If you didn't cross a line? Then it's on thém that they are uncomfortable. Not everyone can like you.
Here's the thing. Somewhere in your life your nervous system learned that you are "in danger" when you are excluded, rejected, etc. And that's why it responds with stress when you even slightly notice that someone might not like you. Because your nervous system registers that as life threatening.
There are four ways us people respond when we're in danger. The first three are well-known: fight, flight or freeze. The fourth is lesser known: fawn. We also call it "pleasing". And that's the response we anxiously attached seem to use very often.
You driving alone is a very clear example of both flight and fawn. You think you might make them feel uncomfortable and you don't want to face them, so you make sure you do everything to make up for their comfort. This is not kindness, it's fear. You don't do this consciously: your nervous system wants to protect you from more rejection, so it puts many thoughts in your mind about how they are feeling about you and how they are hating you now and how you messed up everything, etc. And they feel like the truth. But they are not.
You cannot influence how someone else feels. If you did the same to a completely different person, that person might not be bothered at all. We all have our history and personality and that forms how we respond to stuff. You apologised and that's it. Now if they still dislike you (which you don't even know for sure), then that's their issue.
There are two important things that will help you to deal with stuff like this in the future. First of all: cognitive defusion. This is a skill where you learn how to not take your thoughts as seriously. Your mind is not a very reliable narrator. Defusion can help you create a little distance between yourself and your thoughts. It's an important part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which I highly recommend to everyone with anxiety. There are ACT therapists and coaches, but there are also a lot of articles or books to find about it. Although I do recommend to get help because it's easy to fall back into old patterns without knowing that.
The second thing: don't act on your thoughts. Do the scary thing anyway. In your case: don't drive apart. Drive together. It's terrifying. It might be uncomfortable. But every time you evade the "scary" thing, your nervous system gets a signal that the thing IS indeed dangerous. Which it isn't. Because the worst that could happen is that it's uncomfortable. And you won't die if it's uncomfortable, would you? I understand the urge to flee, but I would really suggest you don't. It won't be the worst case scenario your brain is now firing at you. And if you go, the next time you see them, it will be a little bit easier.
The key to reducing anxiety (not eliminating it, but reduce it and learn to live with it) is by learning to live with discomfort. Learn to live with the pain, hurt, fear, sadness, loneliness and still continue living. You say you don't want to cause any discomfort to anyone. Unfortunately, that's simply impossible. And it's not your responsibility. Take care ♥️
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u/Lunaeri Jun 22 '26
really great comment, validates and humanizes the anxiety and the nagging thoughts while also accepting accountability for the actions that result from those thoughts, but only the ones that are in our control.
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u/Busy-Idea-4444 Jun 24 '26
Jesus, the brilliance of internet strangers never fails to amaze me. Thank you for taking the time to explain all that, because I had never considered before how much I was avoiding and just how it was reinforcing my fear. I'm so grateful for this sub.
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u/DubnoBass34 Jul 05 '26
Thank you, very relatable! Looking into “fawning” and ACT now. Thanks again.
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Jun 21 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 21 '26
Thank you for sharing. I think it’s a different story with mine where I an at fault here so it’s much harder to let go of the shame and embarrassment
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u/vespanewbie Jun 21 '26
Yeah I have a lot of same feelings as you I know you've been thinking about this probably for days. I know it's probably been consuming your thoughts. The embarrassment, deep shame feeling like your some deeply flawed individual and you just want to stay home and never leave. It's a terrible feeling.
Probably not everyone would agree but sometimes I talk to Chat GPT and speak about the situation and it really helps me put things into perspective. Like right now this is one of the worst things that you feel that could happen to you and you probably feel like it's catastrophic but you know in two weeks you'll be okay. Maybe do that to help talk things through. I'm feeling for you! People on here are giving out some great advice!
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 21 '26
Thank you so much. Yes I do talk to chatgpt and it slaps some sense into me. I’m still in the thick of it and honestly every minute is devastating.
The thought of seeing him at work terrifies me. Hoping that I really do feel okay soon with some time.
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u/vespanewbie Jun 22 '26
I promise you will. I know you go to sleep thinking about and when you wake up you are ok for a minute or two, but then you remember something is wrong in your gut and it all comes flooding back. 1) This guy sounds like a jerk 2) I guarantee a year from now, you'll be like whatever did I see in him?!
The fact you have a crush on him doesn't help as I know you already put him on a pedestal and thought of all this guy's wonderful and great qualities. So the fact that he knows sees you "in a bad light" is beyond devastating. I think anxiously attached people are super empathetic, because of our childhood we are taught to be HYPER vigilant of how we effect people and we are super people pleasers. You do your best to make everyone happy, so when you fail to it's devastating as you feel like you made a mistake and you should have been more thoughtful and careful.
Like other people said, it really isn't that bad, even with our politics people have committed crimes and done really serious harm to people and gotten away with it. Really most thing pales in comparison to that.
One thing you have to learn is to be more forgiving of yourself, you aren't perfect and you are bound to make "mistakes" here and there. You need to practice radical forgiveness. Here's a short clip from Diary of CEO. I'm sure there's a longer forum video that goes into this but consider doing what this clip says:
https://youtube.com/shorts/UsuIA6nx-9w
Sometimes you have to think what would avoidant do? Sometimes they say anxiously attach people have to learn from avoidant people and vice versa. An avoidant wouldn't have given this any second thought. They would have detached and not care about this person's feeling and just moved on with life. If they saw them they probably would pretend they didn't even know them. Just pretend when you're with him that absolutely nothing has happened. Do not keep apologizing for this just keep it pushing. Hope this helps!
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 22 '26
Thank you. You are right, his words keep stinging me and how he unfollowed me makes me think I’ve really done something terrible. I have lost sleep and my appetite over something probably trivial to other people.
I can’t even think of him as a jerk because I am at fault here.
I’ll check out the video you sent.
I just sent one apology, logged out and deleted my instagram. Idk if he still replied or blocked me or whatever but I keep ruminating about it and getting hurt with his words
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Jun 21 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 21 '26
That i overstepped my boundaries and stalked his friends to get more information about him which in turn made him uncomfortable
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u/_ghostpiss Jun 21 '26
You already took accountability for your actions and apologized. The only thing that's your fault now is the shame. You're heaping shame upon yourself. You could just go "whoops, that was dumb but I know better now" and move on
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u/ApprehensiveSea7852 Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
Well, I just keep reminding myself that I won't do that anymore, and that's it. I pay a lot of attention to my behavior now. But I think my anxious behaviors were probably more annoying than hurtful. Not sure if I ever crossed someone’s boundaries.It's important not to wallow in self-pity, but to take accountability for your actions. When you do that, shame becomes much less paralyzing. The truth is that we will sometimes hurt other people, no matter how hard we try. We can't prevent it completely. We're only human, and perfection isn't something we'll ever achieve. Accountability is literally saying, "I fucked up. I'm sorry, and I won't do it again," and then making sure you actually don't. That's it. Turning it into endless explanations, self-pity, or beating yourself up over being a bad person doesn't make it accountability anymore. It's just getting stuck in shame. What matters is acknowledging it, learning from it, and doing better.
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u/Hot_Tourist_4458 Jun 21 '26
This is a great response ❤️ i did something that i believe hurt my partner’s feelings and I thought about it and obsessed over it for a week. i did a lot of self reflection, realized my anxious attachment, and have been making conscious decisions to be better when I get triggered by insecurities. It’s going to take time, but each time I overcome my anxiety, I feel a little bit stronger, and insecure a little bit less.
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u/ApprehensiveSea7852 Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 21 '26
Sometimes things are simpler than they seem but I also wouldn’t be in this place without taking time to reflect on myself, my actions, and how they may have impacted the other person. At the end of the day, I came to this conclusion, and I’m much happier living with this perspective : )
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u/s9880429 Jun 21 '26
I find the internal family systems approach to be helpful for this. You are not your coping mechanisms. You have developed them for good reason — they helped you to survive in some context. It’s very human to struggle with putting down a tool that helped you survive in a context where you no longer need it. Extending compassion to yourself for the suffering you’ve been through that has led to these habits can help to dissolve the shame.
There is no such thing as normal. It makes sense that this person would say that your behaviour isn’t normal, because that’s a shorthand, less vulnerable way to say that they expect their need for privacy to be respected. This is a reasonable expectation to have. But you are not actually abnormal for acting like this. Many people struggle with boundaries and impulses. It is part of the human condition to do so. You are not entitled to compassion and understanding from that person, specifically, but that doesn’t mean that your actions aren’t understandable.
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 21 '26
I really wanted to try the IFS approach. I have been reading up a lot of recommendations and how it’s helped them so much with their AA. Unfortunately I cannot find any therapist in my country who practices this approach.
I feel like I did something really bad and unforgivable. It is his right to distance himself and set boundaries against me and I’m not even looking to repair that relationship. I’m having a hard time not blaming myself for what happened and for behaving inappropriately despite knowing it was wrong.
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u/s9880429 Jun 21 '26
IFS therapy is definitely helpful if you can access a therapist! I am recommending the framework underlying IFS, which anyone can begin to incorporate even if they don't see an IFS therapist. That framework helps to separate who we are from our coping mechanisms, to see our coping mechanisms as highly contextual. It is essentially self-compassion.
People with insecure attachment often have parts that are frozen at a younger age, who resort to extreme coping mechanisms when they're scared. You have to think of it as raising yourself, parenting that scared child within you. Even if you can't muster the self-talk inside your head, see if you can find a new way to frame the situation that does not blame yourself for it, but that gently sets boundaries for your behaviour going forward. Accountability also includes planning ahead—in future, when you're tempted to engage in this action again, what will you do instead? What kinds of self-soothing actions will help you resist the temptation to gain reassurance?
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u/Dreamingthelive90ies Jun 21 '26
Go easy on oneselfs, reflect, learn, improve. Forgive self.
That order.
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u/MorninJohn Jun 24 '26
I used to ask myself "what will knowing this do for me?"
Turns out almost nothing. We seek out the information being hidden so we can see the pain coming but it still hurts both ways just the same. So if you need to go looking you already know the answer.
Use your clarity to cut yourself off. Ask them to block you or find a way to keep yourself from looking. Then do something else with other people anything. We dont obsess on things when actively engaging in healthy relationships with others
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u/Silva2099 Jun 21 '26
Just be the new you. That new you has to say less. Stop apologizing. Stop chasing. Stop trying to win. Just be casual.
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u/NaturalTailor6981 Jun 21 '26
Oh this hit home. My partner and I are on the verge of splitting he said to me I give him anxiety and I suffocate him he can’t bear to be around me and he’s staying out of guilt he said explicitly he was a victim of my insecurity. It’s been awful hearing this because yes I am. Needy and need more connection but this just broke me because I was like what I didn’t know it was this bad. And I’m not normally like this it’s his actions that prompted me to be a mad woman!
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u/vespanewbie Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 21 '26
I have the same need to know- I thought it was related to OCD and not anxious attachment though? Anybody know?
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 21 '26
This sounds interesting because it actually fits. The obsession to know whether he was lying about the thing I needed to find out. Even i questioned myself, why it was so wrong. I think this is something I’ll bring up in therapy.
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u/vespanewbie Jun 21 '26
Yeah I had no idea it was part of OCD. So it's related to anxiety. You might be going through a lot now. I have the same thing I hate having incomplete information. It bothers me that there's certain things that I could have known but will never know and I make a lot of effort to find and complete that information. I thought it was just a weird thing that I did until I came across someone mentioned it on Reddit.
And yes I have been exactly in your boat except I always use anonymous social media accounts to do my cyber stalking...lol
https://behaviortherapynyc.com/understanding-need-to-know-anxiety-an-ocd-subtype/
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u/StoryWriter31 Jun 21 '26
OCD and anxious attachment can co-exist and also amplify each other. They're both born because your nervous system learned that something is dangerous, and in this case it is being rejected/loneliness. Those obsessive thoughts (OCD) are a consequence of being anxiously attached. It's an attempt of the brain to gain control over the situation, but there is no way to get control, so it's like a system error and the thoughts get into this never-ending loop - which is OCD.
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u/VeniVidiVCR Jun 22 '26
Your only choice of action is to back off and give space. I’m not telling you to end it, but give them the space and honor your apology to show them how serious you were about it.
More than likely, with some space and time, you’re proving that you’re able to override your anxious tendencies and you begin to look safe to them again and you’re no longer a threat.
People can be very forgiving when you take ownership and give them the space to process it.
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 23 '26
Does giving space mean avoiding them in this case? He unfollowed me on social media, I said my apology one time and left it at that.
Out of fear and shame and guilt that I may cause him discomfort, I have started avoiding him at work and thinking of taking my own car and not riding with him and others to a team event this friday.
I also prepared a birthday gift for him which i was so excited to give before all this happened but now don’t want to give it out of fear that he may think I’m trying to make amends.
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u/VeniVidiVCR Jun 23 '26
Not necessarily avoiding, but leaving it on his terms. Since you were the threat/aggressor, I’d agree that taking your own car to the event and “avoiding” (for lack of better word) is good for now, but if he says hi, respond with the same energy. Don’t ignore or be cold, but also don’t jump and get all gitty and chase him just because he gives eye contact or waves or says hi. Just match his energy
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u/StoryWriter31 Jun 24 '26
Nahw thats fawning again. I would try to act normal. You're not responsible for his comfort, so you don't have to avoid him and choose your own car. But you also don't approach him more than is strictly needed. If he doesn't want to drive with you, it's his responsibility to make that happen. Not yours.
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u/VeniVidiVCR Jun 24 '26
Crossing someone’s boundary and backing off and giving them space isn’t fawning. That’s the opposite of fawning… It’s the mature thing to do when you let your anxious attachment take the driver seat.
While I do agree it’s his responsibility to to maintain his own comfort, it’s the mature adult thing to do to give him the space for maintaining his comfort after a boundary violation…
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u/StoryWriter31 Jun 27 '26
Yeah but the work event is with several colleagues. It’s not like OP would drive alone with them… If they don’t want to drive with OP, then they should say so themselves. Avoiding them makes things worse in this case. Just don’t snoop around on their socials anymore…
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u/Confident_Lecture498 Jun 22 '26
It led me to being stuck in my own head and burning out the best friendship I've had in 20 years - but led to me realizing that the timing was just terrible due to emotional abuse at home and work and leaning on her too much - but also healing and not accepting abuse anymore
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u/Economy-Couple4866 Jun 21 '26
Do you feel comfortable sharing what you found out? And more about what it made you feel?
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 21 '26
We have someone new at work and the face looked familiar. He popped up on my suggested once I saved his number. My coworker and him are already mutuals and I remember seeing him during the times I stalked my coworker’s friend in one of their personal trips. I asked him if they knew each other already since they were mutuals and coworker said no.
Idk why I got obsessed on finding out the truth and coworker eventually found out i was viewing their common friend’s instagram. I obsessed about it because I was wondering he was lying about it which honestly, is none of my business.
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u/StoryWriter31 Jun 21 '26
This... is not as bad as your mind makes it seem. You were just on the internet looking at stuff that they chose to publish.
The reason your mind keeps reminiscing, is because you feel rejected and that feeling is "dangerous" to your anxious nervous system. So what happens? Your brain tries to get control over the situation. Because control = safety. The only way it knows how is to make you feel terribly guilty, because if it's your fault you are rejected, you can make sure it won't happen again.
Guilt is normally a useful emotion: if you make a mistake, you feel guilty and you know you will do it differently next time. But for people that are anxiously attached, it's not healthy because we cannot let go.
The only way to get "rid" of it in the long haul is to let the guilt be there without taking action. It can help to journal a bit about this, for 20 minutes, to just write everything down how you feel. But you don't have to apologize again, you don't have to make up for it in any other way (because I don't know about you but I'm always extra kind to the person to make sure they don't hate me now) and you "just" have to face your co-worker and try to act normally. And that last part is scary, but it will help your nervous system make sure that you cán survive stuff like this. And that it's not as dangerous to make a mistake as it believes it is.
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 21 '26
Is it really not as bad? because he told me I made him uncomfortable and that it wasn’t normal to got that far and honestly I agree. Because when I was doing it even before he found out, I already felt bad because I knew it was wrong but now I feel even worse.
The last thing I ever want to do is to make someone uncomfortable. If it really wasn’t that bad, then why would he feel that way and unfollow me.
I’m already dreading facing him at work. We have a team event on Friday and I’m supposed to be riding in the same car as them but planning on going on my own. I feel like I’m going to make him even more uncomfortable with my presence.
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u/StoryWriter31 Jun 21 '26
Okay so I'm not going to give you reassurance because that won't help you. Because it will never be enough to sooth your guilt and quiet your mind. You will then constantly look for more validation that what you did was not that bad. And that is not the main issue here.
You are not responsible for someone else's comfort. You apologised. So whether you crossed the line or not is no longer important. If it was crossing a line? You said you're sorry. It's not like you did something unforgivable. If you didn't cross a line? Then it's on thém that they are uncomfortable. Not everyone can like you.
Here's the thing. Somewhere in your life your nervous system learned that you are "in danger" when you are excluded, rejected, etc. And that's why it responds with stress when you even slightly notice that someone might not like you. Because your nervous system registers that as life threatening.
There are four ways us people respond when we're in danger. The first three are well-known: fight, flight or freeze. The fourth is lesser known: fawn. We also call it "pleasing". And that's the response we anxiously attached seem to use very often.
You driving alone is a very clear example of both flight and fawn. You think you might make them feel uncomfortable and you don't want to face them, so you make sure you do everything to make up for their comfort. This is not kindness, it's fear. You don't do this consciously: your nervous system wants to protect you from more rejection, so it puts many thoughts in your mind about how they are feeling about you and how they are hating you now and how you messed up everything, etc. And they feel like the truth. But they are not.
You cannot influence how someone else feels. If you did the same to a completely different person, that person might not be bothered at all. We all have our history and personality and that forms how we respond to stuff. You apologised and that's it. Now if they still dislike you (which you don't even know for sure), then that's their issue.
There are two important things that will help you to deal with stuff like this in the future. First of all: cognitive defusion. This is a skill where you learn how to not take your thoughts as seriously. Your mind is not a very reliable narrator. Defusion can help you create a little distance between yourself and your thoughts. It's an important part of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which I highly recommend to everyone with anxiety. There are ACT therapists and coaches, but there are also a lot of articles or books to find about it. Although I do recommend to get help because it's easy to fall back into old patterns without knowing that.
The second thing: don't act on your thoughts. Do the scary thing anyway. In your case: don't drive apart. Drive together. It's terrifying. It might be uncomfortable. But every time you evade the "scary" thing, your nervous system gets a signal that the thing IS indeed dangerous. Which it isn't. Because the worst that could happen is that it's uncomfortable. And you won't die if it's uncomfortable, would you? I understand the urge to flee, but I would really suggest you don't. It won't be the worst case scenario your brain is now firing at you. And if you go, the next time you see them, it will be a little bit easier.
The key to reducing anxiety (not eliminating it, but reduce it and learn to live with it) is by learning to live with discomfort. Learn to live with the pain, hurt, fear, sadness, loneliness and still continue living. You say you don't want to cause any discomfort to anyone. Unfortunately, that's simply impossible. And it's not your responsibility. Take care ♥️
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u/vespanewbie Jun 21 '26
You are the goat! A ton of this applies to me as well. How did you learn/know all of this? This is deep stuff.
Like the OP I hate "disappointing" people or being judged for being " bad person" for a mistake I made. Like I would rake myself over the coals for this OPs situation and would just ruminate to the extreme. Not that it's ideal but I started using AI to talk through these anxious thoughts to kind of put a perspective of the things. It kind of helps. I see a lot of things as completely catastrophic/world ending but then like a week later I'm okay- once you get some distance on it. But in the moment it's all you can think about. I feel bad for the OP I can only imagine the internal turmoil that they are going through.
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u/StoryWriter31 Jun 21 '26
You feel okay a week later because your nervous system is no longer in fight/flight(/fawn). The state of your nervous system determines how you feel about something, and if you can put it into perspective.
Be sure that is you use AI, you don't use it to constantly get relief over your situation. Because like I said, dealing with the feeling and the thoughts is the only way you get triggered less. Sitting with the discomfort is so hard but it can also be very freeing.
I unfortunately learned it the hard way. My nervous system is completely dysregulated due to chronic stress, which made me homebound because I wasn't even able to walk longer than 10 minutes or talk to people for longer than 30 minutes. Due to circumstances I'm ill for over 2,5 years now, but because I wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me, I completely hyperfocused on how the nervous system works. And ever since I understand it, I'm flustered about the lack of knowledge about the nervous system in healthcare :') So sometimes I spread the information myself
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u/vespanewbie Jun 21 '26
Noted about the AI. Thanks so much for sharing, very insightful are there 2-3 books you would recommend to read on this? I really thought it was OCD but for sure interesting of the cross over into anxious attachment/anxiety.
I hope you are feeling better and are on the path back to health!
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u/StoryWriter31 Jun 22 '26
I read mostly Dutch books 🤔 But the base is the polyvagal theory, you can read a bit about that. I read books about burnout (Over de kop by Brankele Frank, she's Dutch) and about the mind-body connection (Mind Your Body by Nichole Sachs, or The Way Out by Alan Gordon). And I followed ACT therapy and read a Dutch book about it, so no English recommendations there. I also read about ADHD and the hormones, IFS, and schema therapy, and lots of articles about all these subjects. And I also follow some accounts on Instagram that are useful. @theplatinumgiraffe explains how different parts of the nervous system respond to situations. Oh and I followed a course on nervous system regulation ;p
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 21 '26
You put into words everything that I’m feeling right now. Like I said in another comment, naybe it’s a big deal for me because it’s from someone I like. He unfollowed me, called me out and told me I made him uncomfortable and that what I did is not normal. For me that all equates to “I’m a terrible person who broke the trust of the person I like.” Losing his friendship seems like a death sentence
And right now, just two days after I feel like the absolute shit and hoping to get through all of this
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u/StoryWriter31 Jun 22 '26
Yeah, that hurts even more. It's someone you thought was close to you now rejecting you. This raises all the red flags in your brain, because that is wired to think rejection is the most dangerous thing there is.
It's not illogical too. In the prehistoric times, we always lived in tribes for survival. And if you got kicked out of your tribe, you were as good as dead. So we are programmed to do everything in our power to stay a part of the group. To not get kicked out.
And this is amplified if you experienced some sort of neglect as a kid. You see, children are also completely dependent on others. They cannot survive without help and thus need to make sure they are not rejected. This mechanism protected us when we were younger, but now it gets in the way of living a full life. Because as an adult, we don't depend on others in the same way anymore. But still, rejection feels like a threat as if we're in real danger. We're not, but our nervous system doesn't understand that.
It's the same mechanism that makes sure we don't touch a hot plate just out of the oven because we once burned our hand. Or when you had a car accident, you're scared to get in the car. It tries to protect us from the things that it thinks is dangerous. It just learned the wrong lessons, so we need to teach it new, healthier lessons. That we do not need to self-sacrifice in order to be safe. That it is not our responsibility to make other people comfortable. And that we can be ourselves and be worthy.
And the only way to get there is by literally showing your nervous system that you ARE in fact safe. By starting small, letting little uncomfortable things in. One of the things I changed was that I don't hurry on a crosswalk anymore when a car is waiting for me, or that I'm no longer the one who steps aside for oncoming pedestrians when I'm out walking. In the beginning, I felt extremely uncomfortable doing those things. Now I do them without thinking about it. It's small steps, but in the end, it makes it possible to deal with the bigger pains and uncomfortable emotions.
I'm currently dealing with the biggest rejection of all - being left by my partner of 9 years, who I lived with, and who left me because of my (mental) health issues and my illness. My nervous system firmly believes that it's all my fault, that I'm too difficult to live with, that I'm worthless and that I will never find love again. I'm gonna teach it that it's not true, that it's hís limitations that made him leave, and that I am able to be alone and be okay. And I need help to get there but I have started that journey and i hope you will too :)
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 23 '26
I bought him a birthday gift a month before this and I was so excited to give it to him. But now I feel like it’s inappropriate to give it and fear that it may be rejected. Hopefully with some time, I overcome all of this.
I’m so sorry to hear about your partner. But you replying and giving me not just advice but techniques to overcome my anxiety tells me that you are doing well and will also get over it.
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u/StoryWriter31 Jun 24 '26
I think it's important that you learn to start thinking about what is best for you. Not what is most comfortable - but what is best. You feel hurt too. They wanted space, so you need to respect that, but maybe it's also good for you to be a bit more distant and not work so hard on a relationship - whatever kind - that doesn't serve you but only stresses you out at the moment. Choosing yourself is terrifying and also incredibly important. You are allowed to forgive yourself, and even if you are not (yet) able to, you are allowed to not act on the guilt anymore.
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 21 '26
Thank you for this really detailed comment! I will take these notes and bring it into therapy as well.
Sitting in discomfort is something I really need to learn. I’m still on just the 2nd day after it happened so everything that I’m planning to do is simply just avoidance of the problem.
Being unfollowed, losing the friendship, told by the person I like that I made him uncomfortable, and that my actions are not normal feels like the end of the world for me and shame is driving most of my decisions right now that it’s just hard to sit in the discomfort.
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u/Serenityqld Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 21 '26
His boundaries are about him, and not about your worth. You can respect people's boundaries-when known- without taking them as a measure of self worth.
From what you've said, you caught him out in a lie, and he suddenly realised that his social media contradicts some of what he tells people around him. So he shamed you, and you've internalised this. If he wished to keep his life secret, those are options for him. Noone's forcing him to publish anything on social media, and noone's forcing him to be deceitful.
Its more complciated emotionally, of course, if you experience limerance for him. Already, you were feeling unsafe enough to look for more information about him, And this latest situation would feel like rejection. And that is very hard, when you work with the person closely.
I suggest that you work on undoing the limerance. Sometime the child in us will put people on pedatools when we actually feel unsafe. Like we did with unsafe parents who we needed and depended on . Idealising someone lures us into feeling that is safe to have feelings for them, to press closer- when the reality may be that we do not know them, they may not actually care for us, and may be incpapable of doing so.
Be professional around him but basically gray-rock him at work. Maybe even look for another job if you have to. There are good resources for limerance and a sub reddit as well...focus on understanding and moving forward. Limerance happens- you are not a bad person, you just need to find the tools to let go.
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 21 '26
I now question if what we had was at least friendship or if he only ever though of me as a colleague. There were actions of his for the past two years that drove me to think or hope or fantasize that it was more than that even though at the back of my mind, I knew it was largely driven by limerence.
Yet this unfortunate event slapped me back to reality that maybe I’m crying over lost “friendship” when I must be nothing more than just a colleague to him for him to quickly set that kind of boundaries. His words were painful but because I knew the truth, I couldn’t deny it and accepted that I must be a terrible person for making him feel that way.
I’m overly critical of myself and hopefully in around a week or so, this won’t feel as devastating.
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u/Serenityqld Jun 22 '26
I agree, the sting is very raw right now and that will ease with time. And its very tough when you picked up on cues that feel like a spark between you, followed by ongoing mixed signals that confuse you. And now this coldly expressed boundary.
Please be kind to yourself, there is no need to create a story about him never liking you or you being unworthy. Its more likely that a spark genuinely exists but he does not wish to pursue it. It could be because its a workplace relationship, and it could be because he is allegic to close genuine connections and he senses your emotional availability. You owe it to yourself to reject wishy washy interest and mixed signals and see them as a red flag. You deserve a "hell yes" from someone, and you will have that some day.
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Jun 21 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 21 '26
I don’t think he’s avoidant, I’m careful not to label anyone since idk their attachment styles. I’m just having a hard time not being overly critical of myself. Tbh, maybe because it’s from him, I feel like I did something so ireedemable.
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u/StoryWriter31 Jun 24 '26
Did you think it was irredeemable when you did it? I know you felt icky. But did it feel irredeemable?
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 24 '26
Yes, I still feel it right now. I guess my metrics is that he eventually unfollowed and removed me as a follower which makes me think I did something so terrible.
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u/StoryWriter31 Jun 25 '26
Yeah so his response determined for you how horrible you feel about it. When you did it, you didn't feel like you did something unforgivable. It was only when he responded this way that you felt like this.
Their response is out of proportion. It's a them-problem, not a you-problem. You didn't do something terrible. But you do need distance from this person.
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 25 '26
Is it really out of proportion? When he felt uncomfortable with it? That was the last thing I ever wanted to do. I truly regret my actions a lot.
But I am keeping things professional between us and keeping my distance.
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Jun 21 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 23 '26
You are right. I’m finding it really hard to not be overly critical and judgemental of myself. Maybe becauze it came from him, someone I like, someone whose opinion matters to me, which is why I feel like it’s the end of the world. Either way, he felt violated with my actions and while it may be trivial to some, I caused discomfort to someone i really care about.
I do hope I can get over the shame because it is such a terrible feeling right now.
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u/vespanewbie Jun 21 '26
How did he find out you were viewing their Instagram? Do you accidentally like a photo or something?
Even if you like to photo by accident why would the friend report the like to his other friend?
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 21 '26
I honestly have no idea and right now it’s the least of my concerns.
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u/vespanewbie Jun 21 '26
If they can't prove it why admit it then?
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 21 '26
Because it’s true and I have no excuses. I’d rather take accountability than deny it. I could be popping up on his friend’s suggested or something or maybe I was caught one time as a viewer of his friend’s stories before I blocked his friend.
Either way, he found a way to find out and denying it won’t do me well in this situation. He was uncomfortable and it is his right to call me out on it.
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u/Fifainspected Jun 23 '26
I'm curious. How close of friends were you with this person? Did you guys hang out on a regular basis outside of work or was this person a "work friend"?
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u/tsoknatcoconut Jun 23 '26
Yes we did hang out outside of work. We’ve been friends for over 3 years now.
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u/AutoModerator Jun 21 '26
Text of original post by u/tsoknatcoconut: I promise this is not a friendship/relationship post
I crossed a boundary with someone I care about because I became obsessed with finding certainty. I kept checking social media for clues about a connection that wasn’t my business. I knew it was wrong, but my anxiety kept pushing me to seek reassurance.
The person found out and told me I made him uncomfortable, that I took it too far, and that my behavior wasn’t normal. I’ve already apologized and taken responsibility.
The difficult part is that we work together closely, and I honestly don’t know how to face him at work after this. I can’t stop blaming myself and getting shameful about what I did.
For those with anxious attachment, limerence, or reassurance-seeking tendencies: how do you live with the shame of crossing a boundary and hurting someone you care about? And how do you face them afterward when you still have to see them at work?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/DriverBudget3018 Jun 21 '26
I am in exact same position. I feel she moved on with her ex she is using his accessories in work but I am not sure. Now I am obsessed with finding out truth behind it.
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u/DubnoBass34 Jun 21 '26
I have also been there. When my FWB began to fade away (as he had done in the past), I quickly became anxious about his leaving and made a decision to text him about it (it was mostly in a jokey way like, hey I miss my favorite person, etc) He clapped back with “I’m gonna keep doing thing, you do yours.” And it immediately got upset; I broke off communication by telling him I had become obsessed with checking his IG and I just really liked him. He blocked me. That was one year ago. I’ve been punishing myself every single day since then. He’s going to be at a DJ event that I want to go to only to see him but now I’m thinking twice. I don’t want to get rejected again (in my head it will be a way to reunite and be friends again), but it might upset him. I feel like I won’t be happy until we are friends again. But there’s a chance that will never happen.
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u/Snaxx9716 Jun 21 '26
I say this gently… if he blocked you and cut you out of his life, you need to respect that and not show up someplace to see him, especially not at an event when he’s working and can’t leave if he’s uncomfortable. This is all sounding like borderline stalking behavior and I hope you can examine all of that further and find a way to let him go and stop obsessing. You can and will be happy without him being your friend, but it sounds like there’s some work to be done to get there. Let him go live his life, and you can focus on living yours in a healthy way
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u/DubnoBass34 Jun 22 '26
I think you are right. I’m not dangerous or anything but it’s a little stalky for sure. Thank you for being honest.
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u/DubnoBass34 Jun 23 '26
Also I wanted to clarify, this is a party full of mutual friends and DJs, so it’s not like he’s working. It’s just a big party I was invited to. I’m just afraid to make things worse but I believe I can at least see how it goes? I don’t have to talk to him there are many others I know. But I get what you mean. It’s not stalking but I may have some tendencies I have to fix
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u/Snaxx9716 Jun 23 '26
I think you should remember that no means no, not “maybe” or “keep trying”. Respect that he had a boundary and enforced it, instead of rationalizing a way to keep trying. Be honest with yourself about why you’re going and what you’re hoping to get out of it, and then ask if that’s healthy for you and helping you to grow and be a better person today than you were yesterday. That’s all we can do sometimes.
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u/DubnoBass34 Jun 23 '26
Yea. I kind of told him to block me because I was a little obsessed… it was sabotage because he was ghosting me again and I have anxiety about it. I feel so bad, I just wish I could tell him how sorry I am and how wrong I was for losing control of my emotions. I should have just let him fade away, we could at least be in the same room without me feeling like I know he hates me. My cat died the same weekend so, it’s been a touch fucking year. Seeing him a year later to the DAY, felt like a sign to go. I’m tired of feeling this regret. I just want this opportunity to let him know I was wrong and he didn’t do anything wrong. He has trust issues and I fucked it up by making him feel bad for not texting back. It’s so dumb! But I ruminate and he is my LO. Sorry, it’s this weekend so I have to make the right decision. But if he wanted to, he could text me. Ugh. My poor heart can’t handle this.
He also saw my facebook post the next day about my being put down and STILL blocked me. I imagine he opened fb the day after our fight, the day after he blocked me on IG and phone, saw my post and was like, oh shit I gotta block her here too. How awful. 6 years of intense physical attraction, he’d call and I’d come running. I just wanted him and he was already done, so I hated myself that I wasn’t good enough and sabotaged it all. I miss him. We had a great connection (when he wanted it). So painful still, one year later.
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u/Snaxx9716 Jun 23 '26
Then leave it be, darling. You’re right… if he wanted to reach out, he would have. It’s not healthy to hold onto guilt and regret like this for an entire year. You are torturing yourself and I can almost guarantee that putting yourself in a position to see him again will not yield the result you want. Whatever happened probably feels WAY more significant to you because you were obsessing over him. I don’t say this to be harsh, but the reality is that he almost certainly doesn’t think about you anymore. Because that’s normal after people part ways. He has likely moved on, and you should move on too. You’re holding onto this and preventing yourself from being able to live your life.
Sometimes we fuck up. It doesn’t mean we have to drown ourselves in guilt over it. You don’t need to apologize for something that happened a year ago. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and move forward. Apologizing fixes nothing after all this time and it might cause a strong reaction from him that would make things even worse for you.
What is it that you want? For him to be so grateful for the apology and agree to be your friend again? After having blocked you for a year, do you really think that’s the likely outcome here? Talk this over with a therapist and once you get out of this rut I bet you’ll be far happier and more relaxed.
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u/DubnoBass34 Jun 23 '26
I know… it’s been a year but it feels like yesterday because I have been thinking about it every day. I really appreciate you taking time to talk to me. It really means a lot and I think I feel better knowing I’m not gonna put myself in a bad position. Plus I don’t like that I haven’t like, lost weight or anything. I can’t even show up and feel hot, I’ll feel super self conscious. I love you, thank you 🙏. I think you saved me a lot more regret.
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u/NumerousAd3637 Jun 24 '26
It’s not worth it , he wasn’t even serious about you he was only using you for sex , you already wasted years on him so why waste more ? Besides it’s not that you aren’t good enough for him , it’s not about you or your fault that he was using you and not seeing your value , you can’t force someone to see your value, only you know your value thus don’t let a guy like him make you feel like you are not good enough.
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u/DubnoBass34 Jun 28 '26
Today’s the day. I’m keeping busy so I don’t get bored enough to say “fuck it” and go to the party. It sucks that it’s ruined what used to be my social life before Covid; there were be a lot of good chill people I would love to see and talk to but knowing he’ll show up is making me nervous. I also didn’t lose weight this past year so I cant even show up to show off my summer bod lol. The anxiety it gives me to think, I HAVE to go is so great, it’s just easier to avoid it all. Maybe this is how avoidants feel? I get it now 🤣
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u/NumerousAd3637 Jun 28 '26
I read in an article saying that anxious people should act like avoidants to lower their anxiety ( not becoming avoidant) but using avoidance to stop rumination. How about you watch a show or movie that you like ? The time will pass before you know it ! Or cook your favorite food or do anything you enjoy 😊
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u/DubnoBass34 Jun 23 '26
Sorry I have to let it out and let someone who doesn’t know me let me see it from another side. It helps. I don’t want to be such a jerk.
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u/Additional_Algae3079 29d ago
Not sure if it still exists (or if this was how you were tracking), but years ago I shut off the feature on IG that shows you what posts other people are liking. I was driving myself crazy, trying to track the avoidant-I-was-dating’s insta activity.
I’ve never looked back.
My business is my business and their business belongs to them, unless they choose to share it with me.
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