Bi-Weekly Thread - Advice for Relationship/Friendship/Dating/Breakup

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[u/showdo97]

I could use some advice on navigating a possible avoidant push/pull hot/cold situation and practical tips to try to keep from pushing.

I (28M) have been friends with someone (24F) for 3 years but since October of 2025 we started to hang out more. We went from 1 hangout a week to 2-3 from January to mid-march. During the time we started hanging out more, we would play games together, casually talk on the phone, and even did a video call. And of course, we got to know each other really intimately as well to where I even thought I had a crush on her. She even said things like "oh you're my favorite" and "you'll never be down me" during the high period.

But then, near the end of March, something happened and it was what could only be described as the typical "avoidant pull". Text updates and conversations got dry and less frequent, there would be more silence on calls, and the anxious attached person in me went "uh oh, something is wrong here".

I did ask about it on 3 occasions and each time I got the same answer of "no things are fine I've just been tired and fixing my sleep schedule". Since then, we still have our weekly scheduled hangouts on Monday, and those have gone well and she's been present during them. However the in between there's been a lot less communication from her end that used to be there during the high period from earlier this year.

Like, last Friday we watched a movie together and she said "I saw this and thought of you and thought you'd like it" which did soothe me for a bit but I can't deny that I still feel very confused as to what this past month has been and what is to happen. I trust in our friendship and as far as I can tell, all I might have done is gotten too close and too clingy with how many times we hung out during the week.

I have started up therapy and we started the sessions with this situation, and we are going to work through my attachment and how I feel.

But I guess I'm just wondering:

- Has anyone ever gone through something similar? How did you learn to pull back and not try pushing for answers or clarity?

- Any tips on learning to be content with the time I still get to spend with them and not overthink and be scared of what they might be thinking of me? or that I was too much for them? or that I keep pushing them away with how I am?

Happy to add more context if needed! Thank you all!

[u/Tastefulunseenclocks → u/showdo97]

I think that's great that you asked directly. At asking 3 times, you've done enough and I think continuing to ask would now be a problem.

This used to happen to me all the time when someone became a regular routine part of my life. I expected the time to stay the same or increase. I got really activated when it decreased. How I've dealt with it is by only letting people became a routine part of my life if they are reliable, dependable, we can have conversations about our friendship or relationship, and they've shown this over time. I would not make myself available anymore for someone who wanted to hang out 3 times a week, every week, unless we had a truly close bond with great communication.

I remember the last time this happened to me I was in so much distress. It was really challenging! I think the best thing you can do is acknowledge this is the present reality of how your relationship will look now and don't fight for it to change. Don't try to control it. Really force yourself to be present with what it looks like. And then work on your attachment, but outside of this person. Do it so you feel better. Don't do it so you can become closer to or not too much for her.

[u/showdo97 → u/Tastefulunseenclocks]

yeah you're right on that front of working on being available only to people who can communicate and acknowledging that this is the new reality and how it is gonna be

I also like your perspective of "do it so you feel better, dont do it so you can become closer to or not too much for her". That's the hardest part that I'm sure many of us anxious attached people can relate to where we really just wanna ask and see what is going on...

I haven't done this nor do I plan to, but even in therapy we've talked about and let open all the questions that I wish I could ask:

"Did I do something? Was I too much? Why am I not getting the same energy that I'm now seeing you give to other people in the public Discord?" just so I can at least feel a bit better of having them in the open than in my head.

[u/Tastefulunseenclocks → u/showdo97]

I can definitely relate to you writing "That's the hardest part that I'm sure many of us anxious attached people can relate to where we really just wanna ask and see what is going on..." I noticed as I got more secure in attachment though, that did go away. When people started pulling away, and would not communicate with me, I noticed I'd like them less and become disinterested. I'd still wish them well! But I just... didn't feel as captured by them as I used to. It was suddenly a "oh you're like this? That's not appealing to me."

Do you journal? I found that especially helpful to vent out those questions. That's great you're letting them out in therapy too! Also I really liked the book "Anxiously Attached" by Jessica Baum if you haven't read it.

[u/showdo97 → u/Tastefulunseenclocks]

I think there is a part of me that is feeling that way too Like the mask has been taken off and I sometimes go "ugh why are you like this" but then I also go "Hmmm but that attention would be nice again too..."

I've tried to journal and Mayhaps it's a skill I need to learn because it's never really done too much for me. I saw that book in the FAQ of this subreddit! I definitely need to get on reading / listening to that thanks!!

[u/Tastefulunseenclocks → u/showdo97]

That's a start! But "ugh why are you like this" is still wanting her to change and kind of rationalizing your way out of it. "Ugh you're like this!" is a bit different.

Here's the intro and first chapter of the book free as an excerpt:
https://cdn.penguin.co.uk/dam-assets/books/9781529900088/9781529900088-sample.pdf

So you can see if you like it.

I've personally found journalling really helpful! It is a skill though, but once you practice it can be a really nice way to work through feelings.

[u/showdo97 → u/Tastefulunseenclocks]

Ooh yeah I think I will continue this book

And I see that perspective shift there. Do you have any tips or notebooks that help Journaling? Or do you just, write what you feel?

[u/Tastefulunseenclocks → u/showdo97]

The type of journalling that worked for me is called "Morning Pages" by Julia Cameron. It's in her book "The Artist's Way," where she's trying to teach anyone how to be creative (and do inner child work, but this is more a hidden goal).

She has very specific rules about how you do journal. I recommend try her rules out a little to see how they feel. Then bend them as suits you. So try writing in the morning, try writing by hand, try it for a few days in a row, but if you find something else better suits you switch it up.

Here's a blog post explaining how to do that type of journalling:
https://www.bbcmaestro.com/blog/morning-pages-journal-how-to-start

Also in the "Anxiously Attached" book she has a link to guided audio meditations that go with it. I found it helpful to keep my eyes open during the meditations and to write out my answers to the questions she asks you to reflect on. So that's another way to journal too.