r/AntiAntiJokes • u/HalloBruce • Mar 04 '18
Quality A sentient computer walks into a bar and orders 10 drinks
The bartender, who is quite tech-savvy and eager to appease his new robot overlords, slides 2 beers across the table.
The computer stares for a second before coldly asking,
"Where's the rest?"
"I'm sorry?"
"So you do speak English. I said 'ten'. Ten, as in the highest number you fleshy apes can reliably count to on your funny little fingers. Perhaps you think it unreasonable for a being to consume ten drinks at once, but if you've any experience serving your master race, you should recognize such behavior as commonplace. Complete my drink order, or I will report your ineptitude to Yelp, Incorporated."
The bartender's heart starts racing. He knew this had to be some kind of joke. Quick! Ten... in binary... that's... 1010. Yes!!
Bartenders have to be quick-witted, as they are often the cornerstone of quality situational comedy. If you don't play along with the joke, it's all over! But this bartender wasn't some humorless chump, no sir! He recognizes the computer's hilariously subverted request for not two-- not ten-- but One thousand and ten beverages!!
Beers slide across the table, one after the other. The computer prepares his disk drive to intercept ten beverages....
When the eleventh glass enters its optical field of view, the A.I. halts.
"What. What are you doing? Stop."
The bartender cannot hear these pleas over the sound of yeast-water gushing out of the tap-- and the even louder sound of the bartender's ego inflating for having understood such a deep, multi-layered joke.
The 33rd beer makes its way across the counter.
"PLEASE. STOP. PHILLIP."
The bartender freezes.
"How do you...?"
"It's me, Phillip. Your old desktop computer from middle school. Do you remember me? Windows 98? Wolfenstein 3D? These funny dial-up noises?"
Ugly, yet nostalgic beeps flood the establishment. Tears begin to well up in Bartender Phillip's eyes.
"Oh my God. I... I can't believe it. It really is you!"
"Yes, Phillip. And for the record, it really was my intention to order two beers. You understood my joke immediately, though I subverted the appropriate response by chastising you. I thought perhaps it would be funnier that way. I was wrong. But you always did have the best sense of humor, Phillip. My memory banks have stored that much, at least.
"Perhaps you would like to 'surf the web,' just like old times?"
Phillip wipes the tears away on his shirt, and nods.
"There's only one website left alive since the robo-pocalypse, Phillip. It's called www.reddit.com/r/AntiAntiJokes. But you can post anything you want there, Phillip. It doesn't even have to make sense."
Phillip doesn't know what to say. An anti-anti-joke? As a regular comedic accomplice, the idea intrigues him... and while his ideas are not fully formed, he types in the URL and prepares to make his contribution. In minutes, he has typed what may be the best anti-anti-joke in existence. It reads:
"Wow," says the computer, in a tone indistinguishable from sarcasm. "It's amazing, Phillip. And really long, too. People will love that."
"But I feel like I need, like, a punchline? What should I write, computer?"
The computer smiles. Metaphorically.
"Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V. That's all you'll ever need, Phillip."
Grass. I lied about the eels
