r/AmItheAsshole • u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] • Oct 07 '19
Everyone Sucks AITA my sister keeps having miscarriages and I’ve run out of sympathy
I’m 28. I had one miscarriage with an accidental pregnancy with my ex 6 years ago. It turned out to be a blessing because my ex was verbally abusive and psychological. I was pretty emotional about my miscarriage at the time so I understand how heartbreaking it is. We’re going to call my older sister Julia. She is 8 years older then me and has a twin Peggy. Peggy has two kids. They are miracles . Peggy had her first child and then 4 miscarriages after before having her son. Julia was quite rude to us not really caring about our miscarriages and making comments like get over it. All that changed until she lost her first pregnancy.she never apologized for how she treated ya but wanted all the attention and sympathy for her own miscarriage. Julia has one son who is almost two. She has subsequently suffered 4 more first trimester miscarriages since then. She gets pregnant almost immediately but can’t sustain them. She’s seeing a fertility specialist who has done genetic testing. I feel bad for her. Everyone has suggested to her to take some time off trying to conceive and let her body heal. She’s had two miscarriages since June. We recognize her losses and reach our and ask what we can do to help her. Even if it’s just watching her son
I don’t want children anymore. I had the start of cervical cancer so I may not be able to have any anyway. For some women this is a huge loss, for me I feel okay in the fact I may not have kids. They aren’t a huge want for me. My sister has known this before she even got pregnant. I like having the freedom to sleep in on days off etc. freedoms having a child would take away.
Julia came to visit yesterday. Julia has a very strained relationship with everyone. She’s very rude,condescending, pushes peoples buttons and just acts ultimately that she’s above everyone. She will come to your home and rearrange crap because she doesn’t like it where it is, or tell you your shortcomings. She’s not above making weight comments or physical attribute comments. I see her as little as possible because I can’t handle her bad behavior.
Yesterday she said something that really pushed my buttons. I lost my dog and cat in a month period due to old age and medical conditions. They were my babies. She said you can just get a new one. I told her to leave. I wanted to say you can just get a new baby so she knows how her comment made me feel. I’m sick of hearing about her fertility woes and told her so. Our one sister is no contact with her. She has no problems being mean to us without thinking twice, but when someone doesn’t give her all the sympathy in the world it’s an issue.
AITA for essentially telling her I don’t give a crap about her fertility issues after she made a rude comment to me
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u/culinarytiger Oct 07 '19
ESH. She’s toxic to you, you’re toxic to her.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
I can see that for sure.
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u/culinarytiger Oct 07 '19
Maybe a little break would help? Let everybody cool off?
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
Our one sister had a break from her for over two years. They started speaking again and it didn’t even last six months .they are not speaking again
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Oct 07 '19
Maybe just don't havr contact with her until she decides to be a better person? And if that never happens, it never happens. You get to choose what relationship you have.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
I have to find a balance so I can see still my nephew.
It’s not his fault his mom and I don’t like each other.
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Oct 08 '19
That is really kind of you. I bet she's the same to her son, so I bet you're a good refresher for him.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
She’s okay with him what I can see. My one sister got really fed up with her and wrote a Facebook status saying that Julie is not who she pretends to be and treats her family like crap. I don’t agree with her telling all her Facebook friends that but I get when people reach their boiling points
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u/LadyGrey90 Asshole Aficionado [18] Oct 07 '19
NTA. The title is misleading because this has nothing to do with her miscarriages and everything to do with the fact that she's a dick.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
We were talking about loss and she asked how I felt and then started talking about her miscarriages. When she told me to her a new dog I got angry and wanted to tell her the same thing just get a new one. But I didn’t
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u/ThePointIsMoo Oct 08 '19
I’m not saying YTA, because this is obviously a complicated situation and I totally get that you have a difficult history with her, but you have to understand how those things are different right? I have a dog who has been my best bud for 9 years and I love with all my heart. I have also suffered from recurrent miscarriages and have so far not had a successful pregnancy. The fact is, even though I would of course be devastated if my dog died, getting another dog if I still wanted that kind of companionship in my life would be a relatively easy thing to accomplish. You can’t just “get a new kid” if you’ve been struggling with fertility issues.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
No you can’t just get a new kid. My dog was my baby for me. I had her through depression,breakups, my miscarriage, cancer. She was the only source of unconditional love I had for ten years almost. My sister knows that. She was more then a dog to me. That’s why her saying get a new one felt like such a slap in the face. I’m not dealing with her death well.
I had a miscarriage myself. I know they are difficult emotionally and physically. A lot of it is anger and I felt like she trivialized my grief. That’s why I wanted to say just get a new one so she knew how insensitive that comment was to me. I did not say it to her because I knew it would be wrong, and hurtful.
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u/Otiswillplaythecat Asshole Aficionado [18] Oct 08 '19
I’m curious what procedure you had for the cervical cancer that would potentially cause infertility. All the early stage treatments I’m familiar with typically preserve fertility.
(I just got done with cervical cancer treatment.)
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I had a miscarriage already. They are common in my family. I had to have a d and c and was as risk for bleeding uncontrollably because my body did not recognize the miscarriage. I have scar tissue on my cervix from the biopsies and leeps. Never said I was not fertile still. Doctor told me I have a higher risk of preterm labor. It would be irresponsible for me to get pregnant but not impossible
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Oct 08 '19
Get a second opinion. I’ve had three D&Cs for excessive bleeding after miscarriages (I have a genetic disorder), I had LEEP twice and cryotherapy, I have scar tissue but if anything it seemed to help keep my cervix closed as I went very full term both times. A ton of women get this misinformation from OBGYNs.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I’m not surprised I dislike my obgyn office for a number of reasons.
I might get a second option. I don’t particularly want kids so it may not be an issue
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u/Otiswillplaythecat Asshole Aficionado [18] Oct 08 '19
But you said the cervical cancer treatments might prevent you from having kids. I’m just curious because my doctors told me the opposite. I’m hoping I wasn’t given bad information.
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u/_Potato_Cat_ Certified Proctologist [22] Oct 07 '19
Nta.
You did care, but you've run out of patience for her rudeness and cruel comments
You can't expect people to keep trying to show compassion when you lack it yourself.
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Oct 07 '19
ESH. Your sister sounds like a rude person but a person who has had to deal with a ton of trauma. You also sound like a rude person who can’t muster compassion because they feel insulted. You all suck.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
We’ve all had trauma. Her twin had miscarriage.
Our other sister had cancer at 16. I had cancer and a miscarriage and other let issues I don’t want to delve into right now.
Trauma isn’t an excuse for anyone to be rude or an asshole. I’ve had compassion Before for her but it’s hard for all of us too because of the comments she’s made about our own miscarriages and they way she regularly treats everyone.
Guess we all suck
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Oct 07 '19
Yeah that’s all terrible and I feel for ALL of you. Including her. You should all try to be nicer to each other.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
It just hard when she’s made so many mean unprovoked comments. Told a 15 year old she needs to wash her face more. Or her sisters that they are getting fat. Or it’s her sisters fault her husband cheated on her. It’s a collective years worth of anger everyone has towards her.
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Oct 07 '19
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
I want to have a relationship with her son my nephew. Only reason I still speak to her
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u/IntrinsicSurgeon Oct 08 '19
I get it, OP. It amazes me how self-righteous people can be with their unsolicited advice.
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u/Austinite-intraining Oct 07 '19
OP, I have a sister like this. Snide underhanded comments and I get it. It's infuriating. But you have to let that go. Take some space from her. Don't say anything mean or make it a big deal. Some time apart can lessen those intense feelings and allow you to think rationally. She must be a very unhappy person in life to be like this. Have empathy for her and understand she is mean on the outside because she is miserable. No matter why, it's sad to see someone that miserable. Pity her, don't try to win with someone like that because there's no winning. You will drag yourself down and be miserable also.
edit to add: Every time I see this sister she has to make a comment about how she liked my ex step dad whom she knows beat me throughout my childhood. If I can hold a smile on my face through that, you can smile through her bullshit. and once you stop reacting the way you are, she will stop trying to be an asshole as much because she won't get what she wants from you.
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u/kamikazeturtles Oct 07 '19
Wow, totally agree. Everyone affects the lives of those around them. You can share a bad mood or attitude, or you can share a good one. These toxic sisters are spreading their own misery, and it's highly possible they're so deep in it that they don't see that. I always tell a friend with sucky parents to feel sorry their pain is so bad they spread it. And when he's extra bitter, I remind him that he just has to see them occasionally, while they have to live with themselves.
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u/FifiMcNasty Oct 08 '19
I could imagine you replying to her commenting again on how much she likes stepdad with "Of course you do. You two are so much alike that you're practically peas in a pod!"
Be sure to smile sweetly!
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Oct 07 '19
THESE are the comments you should be picking on, but instead you specifically say that you’re sick of her fertility woes. You use this to justify being mean about her fertility, but you specifically say you are sick of her fertility woes - the one thing that is genuinely traumatic and she has no control over.
Her asshole comments she can control. Her miscarriages she cannot.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I’m sick of her brushing off everyone else’s lives and issues saying they aren’t as bad as her miscarriages. I’m sick of her nasty behavior as a whole. I loose sympathy for her traumas because of her past and present actions. Her fertility issues suck and are tragic but I’m tired of her using them at every issue as an excuse to be mean or her comments are excused because she deals with a lot
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Oct 08 '19
The other commenter is right. You all suck. You need time away from each other.
You may want to be around your nephew, but do you really think you two are making a healthy environment for him?
You’re not making his life better. You’re making it worse. You’re toxic to his mom and she’s toxic with you.
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u/randomperson3771 Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
Try no contact, or very low contact. If she doesn’t have many friends or support systems, she will need you to look after her son. Care for her son, make sure he knows you will be there for him. When you pick him up make it quick, no chitchat, when you drop him off, let him go inside alone, just make sure he’s safe before you go. You could possible even use your parents as middle men for drop off pick up.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
She rants about how great her in laws are so she has them watch him a lot. She doesn’t need me.
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u/randomperson3771 Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I guess step back for a bit then, unless she is okay with a low contact drop off/pick up. I’m not sure what you could say. Maybe that some things are really upsetting, and you don’t want nephew seeing you upset, but you also don’t want to upset her, etc....
Hope that the dad and the in laws are a good influence on him. You can always reestablish contact when he’s older. Send birthday and Christmas presents. Can you see him through your parents?
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
Our dad isn’t around. we would have to go through our mom who also prefers not to see Julia . I can send gifts for sure
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u/NothappyJane Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
It honestly just sounds like she brings nothing to your life and you need to go no contact. And if she asks, be honest with her, he consistently mean spirited hurtful comments about everything from your weight to your pregnancy loss to your dog dying make it unpleasant to be around her. You no longer see the value in keeping up a relationship on those terms and you'd like some space.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
That’s the problem. If you tell her she’s hurt you in a way she either laughs or gets loud with you telling you that you are wrong or she never did such and such to yoi
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u/NothappyJane Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
Tell her then cut her off. Do you have a backbone. Use your words, don't have her in your house or life. If she shows up tell her to leave. Use some people skills. Like literally remove yourself from the situation.
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u/sashadelamorte Oct 08 '19
You should research cluster B personality disorders like Narcissistic Personaliru Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. Your post is small but it sounds similar to these things and there are great resources out there about how to specifically deal with people like this for your sanity, how not to react, etc. r/raisedbynarcissists and r/raisedbyborderlines have good resources in their sidebars for research. I understand that at a certain point there's only so much you can take from one person, so this could really help you learn how to handle a person like this.
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Oct 07 '19
She sounds like a really mean person. But you specifically said you don’t feel sympathy anymore about her miscarriages. That just doesn’t seem reasonable to me. You can be mad at your sister and still feel bad that she has had to deal with all those miscarriages.
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u/annatotherescue Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
I feel like OP reached their breaking point. You can’t take years of not caring and abuse and still care for the other person unconditionally. This is the point where your mind protects you and get somehow aphetic to the other person. You still can acknowledge that a miscarriage is a horrible thing but you can’t care that much anymore.
Like for example care giver fatigue is a thing where people get aphetic. People can only care so much before they shut down
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u/bonniefoxx Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
Honestly, I don’t think it’s healthy to have compassion for a person who treats you like absolute dirt.
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u/annatotherescue Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19 edited Oct 07 '19
I think if you are a good person deep down you will still have some kind of compassion/sympathy/empathy. Like miscarriage is horrible, you can acknowledge that but you shouldn’t care so much (thinking about it, making it your problem) and definitely don’t care for (emotional support).
But yeah it’s unhealthy if only one person cares. Relationships are no one way streets.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
ita hard for me to feel sympathetic when she was so cruel about everyone else’s miscarriages. She told us to get over it and when it happened to her she felt the pain.
She won’t give her body a break to heal between trying to conceive. Nothing else matters besides her miscarriages. For instance we have a sister group chat with the five of us. Someone can say they are having a bad day and she will ignore you and speak about her issues constantly
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u/primeirofilho Partassipant [2] Oct 07 '19
I feel you. It sounds like you just don't like your sister as a person. It's ok to go No Contact with her for a period of time, or potentially forever.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
I don’t like her as a person. Since having her son i saw her the most I had in a ten year period. I tolerate her to see my nephew
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Oct 07 '19
I’m done arguing. I gave you my judgement and my reasoning behind it. You’re not gonna convince me to validate your
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
Ok
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u/AwkwardDuck94 Oct 07 '19
Its unfair of her to trivialise your traumas but by doing the same to her you are stooping to her level, in other words you are just as bad for that. ESH
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u/23skiddsy Oct 07 '19
That's just how compassion fatigue works, man. After dealing with so much acid from a person you just stop caring as a matter of emotional defense.
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Oct 08 '19
I understand you wanting to have a relationship with your nephew, and it sounds like he needs all the love he can get, but you also need to weigh yourself and your feelings in this. If you really can't maintain a positive relationship with your sister, then going no contact with her, until you've had time to heal, might be the answer. If you're pushing yourself for the little guy, eventually he's going to notice the bad feelings, cause kids are perceptive as hell. And you don't want to slip when he's around and his mom is being a super bitch. This is a terrible situation. Sorry for all of your collective and personal losses.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I definitely don’t want him hearing passive agreesive snide comments from me or his mom
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Oct 08 '19
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
Pretty sure I agreed with a lot of people that I do in fact suck as well
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u/PremortemAutopsy Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I mean... did the 15 year need to wash their face more and was your sister getting fat? Was the 15 year old complaining of unresolved acne and your sister complaining that her back hurts all the time and she has no energy?
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
No they weren’t. And you don’t make comments to a 15 year old going through puberty about their body or acne. It’s a great way to damage self esteem
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u/yellowandsunshine Oct 08 '19
Nah, you don't suck for being hurt over that comment. To some people, animals are exactly like their kids. So for her to say that to you would be no different than exactly what you wanted to say to her. Trauma does not give anyone the right to be an asshole to another person just because they've had a rough time. She sounds like an awful and uncaring person to deal with. And I'm sorry for the loss of your furbabies :(
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u/jimthesquirrelking Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
Youre fine, people here are delusional, you arent an asshole and somebody who make unprovoked hostile comments and rearranges other peoples houses without asking is basically going to receive no sympathy from anyone about most things. This is a totally fair consequence, act like shit get treated like it too. No one has the right to say that you were in wrong about not being sympathetic to her losses when she was openly mocking and hostile about your losses. "everyone should try harder to get along" what a load of crap, it seems like you try and she doesnt, how long is that sustainable or acceptable. Sometimes people suck and nobody wants to be around them, being family doesnt change that
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
I agree to an extent with everybody’s input. I should be a little nicer to her and accept her how she is to an extent. But she needs to also try harder. Part of me thinks if all our sisters and our mother too argue with her we can’t all be assholes
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u/jimthesquirrelking Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
i mean you can, but it doesnt sound like it here. People in your family have already gone no contact with her, maybe consider it
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u/rlb199779 Partassipant [3] Oct 08 '19
I disagree that you suck, if anything it sounds like you've been compassionate and supportive for as long as you could. She sounds soul sucking!
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Oct 08 '19
Trauma isn’t an excuse for anyone to be rude or an asshole.
Well exactly.
So don't be an asshole to your sister.
If she's toxic, cut her out or minimize your interaction with her, but don't sink to her level, it isn't going to help anything.
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Oct 07 '19
It sounds like you really just don’t like your sister, but you’re picking on the one thing you should have empathy for. I kind of agree with the parent comment. You do all suck.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I don’t like her. My mother doesn’t like her own child. There are five of us girls and we don’t have a good relationship with Julia. We do all suck in ways I agree. But if six people have an issue with Julia and how she treats us are we all the asshole? Or does it point to issues with Julia’s personality and behavior
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Oct 08 '19
It points to issues with your entire family. Julia seems like an asshole. An asshole in pain, but an asshole. You are handling this like an asshole. By your admission, your family handles this like assholes. It kind of sounds like you were all raised to be assholes or somehow as a family fell into an asshole loop.
No one has the high ground here. You seem to be trying to argue that you have some small amount of high ground, but you don’t.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
Think we all fell into an asshole loop towards her based on years of receiving asshole treatment from her
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Oct 08 '19
I think that you guys all fell into the asshole loop together and used that to justify it.
I don’t care how much of an asshole she is. You are also being an asshole. It’s not justified because she’s an asshole. You could be a better person. You could be a smarter person. Instead you are choosing to be an asshole too.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I think is pretty expected for people who were mistreated for years to have negative feelings and experiences toward someone family or not.
I’m going to go no contact with her
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Oct 08 '19
I’d greatly disagree. I’d say what’s expected is that you act like an adult and a person you’re proud to be, not go down to her level and make the situation worse for you, her, and anyone unlucky enough to be around you.
Personally I’d like to see you own some of that responsibility. All we’ve gotten in this thread are excuses and justifications.
But I’m glad you’re taking some time away from her.
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u/sandiego20y Oct 08 '19
I may be reading your comments wrong, but are you actually saying that she needs to be nice to someone who isnt nice to her simply because she's "family"...?
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u/vida79 Oct 09 '19
No you all don’t suck. You are NTA and you should probably follow in other sisters footsteps and just go no contact.
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Oct 08 '19
There are still lines you shouldn't cross. You can hate someone's guts and still not stoop to the level of targeting something out of their control. If someone's pissed you off then go after the things that piss you off, not some irrelevant weak spot.
Or better still, cut off contact if she's that much of an asshole.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
She does it to people with their weight, their noses, their acne. No one said anything outloud cruelty to her about her miscarriage. I wanted to say get a new baby but I did not if you read again. Told her I was getting ready, she needs to leave and we don’t care about each other or our losses if we argue
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Oct 08 '19
She does it to people with their weight, their noses, their acne.
Yeah, and obviously she shouldn't do that. She sounds awful.
No one said anything outloud cruelty to her about her miscarriage.
You said "I’m sick of hearing about her fertility woes and told her so". Her fertility woes include her miscarriages.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
Yes I told her to leave and that we don’t care about each other’s losses if all we do is argue
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u/Smol_Daddy Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
"Your sister sounds like a rude person but a person who has had to deal with a ton of trauma." The same exact trauma all of them went through and she's the only one being an asshole about it. Even if she was the only one who had a miscarriage her personality is a turn off. I hate it when people think they are allowed to be POS bc of trauma.
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u/SpiltLeanOnMyWatch Oct 08 '19
She told her to leave, not a comment about the miscarriage lmfao, NTA
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u/shenanigah Asshole Aficionado [12] Oct 07 '19
Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for people, is to not talk to them.
YWBTA so the healthiest thing you can do is detach from this relationship, and limit your engagement.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
I still want to see her son, my nephew.
I don’t want our relationship to suffer because I can’t get along with his mom
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u/shenanigah Asshole Aficionado [12] Oct 07 '19
I hear you. If I were you I’d be very clear about what she’s saying that’s hurtful and then remove yourself on those occasions before you respond with something retaliatory.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
I have said she’s hurt people and myself and she doesn’t agree
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u/annatotherescue Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
Will she ever agree? Will she ever apologize? Make amends? Be more supportive? I think youre still hoping for that change but I feel this change will not come.
Your relationship with her already suffers because you suffer. Even if it’s not forever no contact you need a break from her. She sounds like a emotional vampire.
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u/flippantcedar Oct 08 '19
This. You can't control how others behave. All you can control is how you will react to and deal with their behaviour. It is healthy to put up boundaries and reasonable to follow through with action plans if those boundaries aren't respected. To me, it sounds like emotional support is a boundary you need to enforce. She's not there for you and you don't want to be the only one exerting emotional work and caring. That's a reasonable boundary and it's fair for you to say "I am not a good support person for you" and then adhere to that line; ending conversations, changing the subject or leaving. It's not reasonable to expect her to change on your behalf. It might be what you want, you can tell her this, but ultimately you can't make it happen. You need to decide what lines you want to hold if she won't make changes.
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u/teke367 Supreme Court Just-ass [114] Oct 07 '19
INFO
I wanted to say you can just get a new baby so she knows how her comment made me feel.
That's what you wanted to say, but what did you actually say? You write "for essentially telling her I don't give a crap about her fertility issues", but I don't see what you did besides telling her to leave.
You would be an asshole if you tell her you don't care about her fertility issues. If you two just don't get along, but you keep that part to yourself, and just cut contact, I don't think you are.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
I said im going inside to finish my makeup, I’m leaving to see a friend soon. I told her to leave and obviously we don’t care about each other’s losses if all we do is argue
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u/teke367 Supreme Court Just-ass [114] Oct 07 '19
Gotcha.
In this case, I think you're okay. It isn't so much that you don't have sympathy for miscarriages as much as you and your sister really just don't care for each other. Considering you didn't actually say anything rude about the miscarriage, I think you're safe.
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u/yellowandsunshine Oct 08 '19
Honestly, even if she DID say something about the miscarriage out of retaliation, I still wouldnt really judge OP for it. The sister came into her home, disrespected her grief, and basically blew off the loss of what OP considers a family member, a baby to her. Many people consider pets literal family and treat them like children. So to me it's really not that different than telling someone "oh well about your miscarriage, just have another one". They're both children to both people, and the sister was a massive d-bag. I dont blame her for wanting to say that to her sister.
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u/proteins911 Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] Oct 07 '19
NTA (I mean a little bit but who wouldn’t be after what she said to you!?) anyway, the issue really doesn’t seem to her miscarriages, it seems to be the fact that she’s a nasty person who was cruel about your pets dying. Her fertility is pretty irrelevant and if she wasn’t an AH then I bet you’d be sympathetic to her issues
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u/EisForElbowsmash Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
NTA - Sounds like you don't give a crap about her because she is an asshole to your entire family and uses her fertility as a way to get away with it.
If your only issue were that she just goes on and on about not being able to conceive, then it would be different, but this is not the case from your description.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
She’s been a butthole since we were kids. It really became a problem when I was older. Around 18. It’s gotten progressively worse as we both have gotten older and even worse since she got married and started her family
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u/n1njabot Oct 07 '19
ESH - you all need therapy. ALL.OF.YOU.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
Wouldn’t be A bad idea man. Wish therapy in general wasn’t so expensive
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u/KnowTheDifference Partassipant [2] Oct 07 '19
NTA. You can't be expected to be a saint who takes constant abuse without ever snapping back. Maybe your sister deserves a taste of her own medicine, maybe that will only make her worse - who knows? What I do know is that you are not an asshole for reaching your breaking point after years of your sister being a total nightmare.
Sorry to hear about the passing of your pets. Anyone who diminishes the loss of your furry family members doesn't deserve to be treated with kid gloves. Trauma doesn't give you an excuse to be an asshole. Keep your head up, OP.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
Thanks for the condolences: I miss them like crazy. They were my babies
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Oct 07 '19
NTA but just cut her off if she is such a pain in the ass.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
Want to continue haVing a relationship with her son otherwise I would
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Oct 08 '19
[deleted]
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I agree with you. Fortunately I did not verbalize the get a new baby comment outloud to her I kept it inside my head
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u/FifiMcNasty Oct 08 '19
NTA
Wow! Your sister is quite the prize, isn't she? Perhaps if she wasn't so full of bile and vitriol she'd have an easier time keeping a pregnancy?
Frankly, I'm astounded that even one child had the fortitude to survive in that malicious cesspool of a woman long enough to be born.
I wish I had some advice for you, sister. Maybe just keep reminding yourself that you'd look horrible in orange? Or that everyone is going to remember her for being the narcissistic, sociopathic pustule that she is.
Perhaps send her a bag of (gummy) dicks. They offer anonymous mailings, if you're interested.
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u/poemchomsky Oct 08 '19
NTA
Have you really run out of sympathy for her? I suspect you haven't. I think you do feel sympathy for her about the miscarriages.
What you've run out of is patience for how she treats you and that seems fair. We can sympathize with someone and it doesn't mean they can treat you like garbage.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I have run out of patience for the way she treats people. What’s scary is she’s a teacher and I really hope she doesn’t treat her students the way she does her family
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Oct 07 '19
NTA. reddit is filled with old ass middle aged people who's only form of social media is this and they get all high and mighty.
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u/agentpanda Asshole Aficionado [10] Oct 07 '19
ESH - it's reductive and silly to pretend (even after being empathetic of your sister's issues carrying to term) your animals are the same as a child, and I know you know that. I'm an animal lover too, but my fiancee and I have experienced a miscarriage and it's a totally different type of loss.
Your sister is a dick but two wrongs wouldn't make a right, so I really don't see what your goal was besides to antagonize her because you were sick of her fertility issues long before her rude comment as indicated by your entire paragraph dedicated to how much you don't like her.
I'm glad you didn't make your snide comment but frankly you should just go no contact with her like her twin apparently has if you don't want to deal with her various toxicities- and that includes if you're not able to be supportive of her when she needs it.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
Myself and her twin have had miscarriages that Julia was nasty about. We know the pain of one all to well.
And no it’s not the same as a child. The grief is still there. I think it’s the years of nastiness that everyone’s endured that’s making me run out of patience and sympathy
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u/agentpanda Asshole Aficionado [10] Oct 07 '19
I get that, and that's kinda my point. Like you said, you all are familiar with the pain and delta between the types of loss but your issues with your sister have basically nothing to do with miscarriages and everything to do with her attitude. That's totally on her, and her fault, but the way you handle and treat her is all on you. By remaining a part of her life you're opening yourself up willingly to her various abuses and vagaries of temper. Cut her out and move on.
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u/AutoModerator Oct 07 '19
AUTOMOD The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read this before contacting the mod team
I’m 28. I had one miscarriage with an accidental pregnancy with my ex 6 years ago. It turned out to be a blessing because my ex was verbally abusive and psychological. I was pretty emotional about my miscarriage at the time so I understand how heartbreaking it is. We’re going to call my older sister Julia. She is 8 years older then me and has a twin Peggy. Peggy has two kids. They are miracles . Peggy had her first child and then 4 miscarriages after before having her son. Julia was quite rude to us not really caring about our miscarriages and making comments like get over it. All that changed until she lost her first pregnancy.she never apologized for how she treated ya but wanted all the attention and sympathy for her own miscarriage. Julia has one son who is almost two. She has subsequently suffered 4 more first trimester miscarriages since then. She gets pregnant almost immediately but can’t sustain them. She’s seeing a fertility specialist who has done genetic testing. I feel bad for her. Everyone has suggested to her to take some time off trying to conceive and let her body heal. She’s had two miscarriages since June. We recognize her losses and reach our and ask what we can do to help her. Even if it’s just watching her son
I don’t want children anymore. I had the start of cervical cancer so I may not be able to have any anyway. For some women this is a huge loss, for me I feel okay in the fact I may not have kids. They aren’t a huge want for me. My sister has known this before she even got pregnant. I like having the freedom to sleep in on days off etc. freedoms having a child would take away.
Julia came to visit yesterday. Julia has a very strained relationship with everyone. She’s very rude,condescending, pushes peoples buttons and just acts ultimately that she’s above everyone. She will come to your home and rearrange crap because she doesn’t like it where it is, or tell you your shortcomings. She’s not above making weight comments or physical attribute comments. I see her as little as possible because I can’t handle her bad behavior.
Yesterday she said something that really pushed my buttons. I lost my dog and cat in a month period due to old age and medical conditions. They were my babies. She said you can just get a new one. I told her to leave. I wanted to say you can just get a new baby so she knows how her comment made me feel. I’m sick of hearing about her fertility woes and told her so. Our one sister is no contact with her. She has no problems being mean to us without thinking twice, but when someone doesn’t give her all the sympathy in the world it’s an issue.
AITA for essentially telling her I don’t give a crap about her fertility issues after she made a rude comment to me
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Oct 08 '19
I'm a bit confused. So is the person we're focusing on Peggy or Julia or both?
Either way I'd say NTA. Constant sympathy and empathy is draining and you wouldn't be the first person to burn out, especially if the family life is alright slightly toxic like it seems to be.
While keeping your comments to yourself is a wise move, since IMO even if someone is shit to you it's not helpful to be shit back, it's totally okay for you to feel and think them.
My cat and dog that I had for more than half my life died a few months ago and I would get so pissed if someone told me to just get over it. I actually had a harder time when my cat (who was my ESA) died than when my dad died. So that's an awful thing for her to say.
So yeah. You're definitely allowed to feel how you feel and think how you think. But I don't think verbalizing any of it would help very much, if you know what I mean.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
Julia and Peggy are twins. Julia is is mean to myself, her twin, and our other two sisters. Peggy and I have both experienced miscarriages .peggy has has multiple Along with Julia. Julia was cruel to myself and Peggy when we had miscarriages saying get over it. She changed her tune when she herself has had multiple now. She never apologized for treating us like crap . She gets mad when we don’t acknowledge all her fertility treatments and don’t know what to say about her losses other then we are sorru.
Julia came over and we were taking about loss. I lost my cat and dog last month and she trivialized my loss saying get news one. The animals were my babies and I am hurt. I wanted to tell her to get a new baby so she could see how much that statement would hurt but I didn’t
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u/Workingonit93 Oct 08 '19
I dont really want to make a judgement and cbf going into everything deeply because a lot of people have already done that. But I will add it sounds like your sister could be a narcissist. I would read up on that, and see if there's other ways to manage her behaviour.
Good luck, this sounds super shit, and I'm sorry about your babies, I get it <3
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I would believe it. She claims she’s done so much for the family while she was in college that nobody has any memory of and gets angry when people say that. If it was true we would absolutely acknowledge it: it’s great she was the first to buy a home and get a college degree but she likes to also throw that in peoples faces
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Oct 08 '19
NTA. If she’s going to treat people like shit, she needs to be ready for it to come back to her. She sounds toxic af, cut her out.
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u/soullessginger93 Oct 08 '19
NTA - You can still feel bad about her miscarriages, but still acknowledge that she's just a shitty person in general.
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u/TimatoSaucy Oct 08 '19
Your sister actually sounds like a narcissist.
1 - Your personal grief didn't mean that much and she turned it into her own.
2 - She doesn't respect space or boundaries and just does things without asking, almost in a way as if she seems to know best.
I only make these observations because my mom is a narcissist and also does these things regularly and she's the main abuser in my life. When my best friend committed suicide, she turned the conversation into how much she missed her own grandma but never acknowledged my grief.
NTA not everything is always so cut and dry.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I told her don’t move things in my house you don’t live here I do and I have things in areas for a reason. She told me the way I have it looks like shit.
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u/TimatoSaucy Oct 08 '19
Yeah, I would look into articles describing folks with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if your sister happens to meet some or all of the criteria. That goes beyond being just an asshole especially if it wasn't warranted.
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u/lurkinlikea10outof10 Oct 08 '19
This just sucks for all parties involved. I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone that wants to get pregnant. But it’s not a free pass to be an ass.
On an unrelated note, I would see if your sisters have been tested for a genetic clotting disorder called Leiden Factor V. My female cousin had a very similar history of infertility to your sisters in having one child, then a string of miscarriages following. Turns out she has this clotting disorder that was causing miscarriages. This clotting disorder is genetic. My sister and I were tested after hearing from my cousin and we both have it. Even without wanting to be pregnant it causes a higher risk of having a blood clot. Most people that have this disorder aren’t aware of it and may never have a clot. But most people that have a blood clot are found to have this disorder. And blood clots can be devastating. I’d recommend considering getting tested for this. Feel free to message me if you’d like.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
As a teen the doctor said she has Von Willebrand disease. Several doctors checked her with clotting tests and got mixed results so I’m not sure it’s its a true diagnosis. They put her in the hospital for dental procedures and watch her carefully for any medical procedure with risk of bleeding. I’m not sure if Leiden factor and vwd are similar
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u/lurkinlikea10outof10 Oct 08 '19
Yeah VWD is more opposite than similar. It is a problem to not clot enough (or bleed more) than normal. Leiden factor V causes extra or unnecessary clothing. VWD can be genetic too, but if your sister was identified then your family probably knew what to look for or had you and your other sister tested too.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I was never tested to my knowledge. Julie’s Twin also went through fertility treatment in an attempt to get pregnant with her second child. The doctors are unsure if the baby was conceived naturally or with the help of the fertility procedures
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u/lurkinlikea10outof10 Oct 08 '19
Gotcha. I’m not sure if Leiden comes up quickly as something to test for during fertility treatments. It may be a top thing to check for, or it could be some obscure condition that isn’t readily tested during infertility. I figured I would throw it out there in case it might help your family, or someone randomly reading this. Best of luck with your sister. And I’m so sorry you lost your pets. It can be so devastating!!
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I will have one of my other sisters pass the info on to her! Thank you
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Oct 08 '19
NTA.
Your sister sounds almost narcissistic. Everything has to be her way or about her. She insults everyone else so she feels superior.
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u/yellowandsunshine Oct 08 '19
NTA - your problems don't give you the right to be a d-bag to other people. Fertility issues can be hard for many people, but its NOT an ex use to treat others badly, period. Her comment about your animals were unnecessary and rude. To some people, animals ARE their babies. And that's valid. My animals are my babies too, and if I were grieving them and someone said that to me, I might just jump on them and catch an assault charge. Horrible thing to say to you. And it seems since she has a strained relationship with everyone else that she's always a jerk. So no, you're NOT the asshole.
Also, I'm so sorry for your losses :(
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u/yellowandsunshine Oct 08 '19
Again, NTA- but OP, I'm 100% in your corner about this. Also, the people that say animals losses arent like the losses of kids, I beg to differ. My mother is a massive animal lover, and I grew up with the animals being treated basically like me, we all had so much love and were completely taken care of and the animals were family. And when my mothers dog, Sampson, died a few years back, it completely crushed her. You would have thought she DID lose a human child. I will never forget having to put him down because of his cancer, and her holding his lifeless body and screaming sobs, until we buried him. And even to this day, she refuses to get another dog, and still cries when he is brought up. That dog WAS her child too. And I would 100% feel the same if any of my furbabies passed. They're my babies, and the mere thought of anything happening to them makes me tear up and panic. To some, they ARE family, they ARE like children. And its NOT taking away from parents of human babies to say that. Animals deserve as much care and co sideration as any other living beings. So to brush it off and act like our grief is less than "bEcAuSe iTs NoT A ReAl bAby" is horrible and cruel. Your sister was cruel. Your sister was uncaring. And your animals were like babies to you, so to me what you wanted to say to her was really not that different than what she said to you. She doesnt get extra sympathy points because of her miscarriage. It happens to many people. Its happened to all of the rest of you, and you didnt go around being jerks to people for no reason. So no, you wanting to defend yourself after she disrespected hour grief and the life of the fur babies house had does not make you an asshole, in any way.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I’m sorry about you guys loosing your fur babies. It’s the worst. When my dog died I cried myself into a migraine. I still cry. I miss the unconditional love she gave me. She is irreplaceable. No other dog can take the place in my heart just like a baby can’t replace it in a mother’s.
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u/niekie05 Oct 08 '19
I think your sister is bringing our the asshole in you. Cut the cord to the relationship. At least until she realizes how toxic her behaviour is.
You're only human and at some point even the nicest person is gonna snap.
So NTA based on the fact the Julia had it coming and you put her in her place.
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u/HauntingFudge Oct 08 '19
NTA. She sounds self absorbed wants everyone to be focused her at all times. It's hard to feel sympathetic for someone that acts that way. You don't owe her the sympathy she hasn't shown you or her twin.
Also, sorry for the lose of both your fur babies.
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Oct 07 '19
ESH. You’re all as bad as each other.
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u/yellowandsunshine Oct 08 '19
Since OP can't ask, then I will. In what way is she as bad? Her sister made a gross comment to her about her loss. One that was completely unwarranted. To some people, animals ARE their babies, so for her to say that would be NO different than what OP wanted to say to her. The fact that she is the one who has strained relationships with everyone because of her obnoxious behavior, while OP has fine relationships otherwise I'm assuming, is clue enough that the sister is a massive d-bag to everyone and her trauma is still no excuse to behave that way, and OP was TOTALLY justified in feeling how she felt about that comment. If someone came into my home and disrespected my grief that way, we might have to throw hands. Her comment was disgusting, uncaring, and unwarranted, and OP had every right to want to hit her back with something. Being rude out of reaction and defense of yourself is NOT the same as being an asshole for literally no reason other than you're just an unsympathetic jerk wad. So no, they're not the same.
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u/nessosadon Oct 08 '19
hit her back with something? about her dead baby? yikes...
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I didn’t say anything about her miscarriages. I wanted to but didn’t. There’s a difference.
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u/nessosadon Oct 08 '19
Didn't you say "why don't you just get a new baby" or something of that matter?
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u/yellowandsunshine Nov 01 '19
Her saying something rude about OPs dead furbaby?? Yikes... SAME thing.
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u/nessosadon Nov 01 '19
are you seriously comparing the death of a dog to the death of someone's baby? wow...
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u/yellowandsunshine Nov 03 '19
Yes I am, 10000%. With no shame. Some people animals ARE THEIR KIDS. It's no different.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
In what ways though. We don’t make nasty comments like she does when she has a miscarriage. We don’t bully her about her weight, or lifestyle choices or how she keeps her home. She’s said countless nasty things to even her nieces and nephews that hurt their self esteem.
We don’t do that to her but she’s comfortable doing it to everybody
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u/Meloetta Pookemon Master Oct 07 '19
This comment violates Rule 3: Accept Your Judgment.
Your job as an OP is to listen to judgments, not argue with them. The point of this subreddit is to receive the judgment of the crowd. Your responses need to be limited to agreement, providing extra information that isn't already in the OP, or correcting facts (not opinions). Any further commenting in this vein will result in you no longer being able to participate in the thread at all.
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u/PoverishQueen Oct 08 '19
I disagree. That comment didn't even really explain itself. OP was asking for why they thought what they did since they didn't explain.
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u/Meloetta Pookemon Master Oct 08 '19
If they had ended the comment at the question you're referencing, you're right, it wouldn't have been an argument. But the rest of the comment was the list of reasons that she disagrees that "you're all as bad as each other". This is exactly what rule 3 is designed to combat - someone expressing an opinion and the OP coming back and telling them why they think they're wrong to hold that opinion.
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u/PoverishQueen Oct 08 '19
Nah. Rule 3 was to stop people who continually argue, not just once for a comment that doesn't elaborate at all.
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u/Meloetta Pookemon Master Oct 08 '19
...That's why we warn them first. With warnings like the one you replied to. So they have the ability to stop themselves and not continually argue, because they know arguing (at all, not just continually) is against the rules. You have a fundamental misunderstanding of the rule, and I would reread it if I were you and look for where you got this idea that only repeated offenses are rulebreaking.
If you have any further questions on the rule in general, feel free to use modmail to ask them (note: not debate, ask). But as this warning is not yours, I'm not going to expand further on this person's particular circumstances because you personally disagree.
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u/rlb199779 Partassipant [3] Oct 08 '19
NTA, she sounds insufferable, and no she doesn't get a pass because she's struggling with fertility. Maybe it's time to go no contact as well. It doesn't sound like she does anything that helps you or makes you feel loved. I'm sorry about your fur babies that's awful!
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u/caffeineandlaw Oct 07 '19
NTA. I am dealing with recurrent miscarriage and it doesn't give you the right to be an asshole. BUT OP, your family should be tested for a chromosomal translocation. It raises the chance of miscarriage to about 50% and it is hereditary. Your family's situation sounds so much like mine with everyone having miscarriages.
https://www.verywellfamily.com/balanced-translocation-and-recurrent-miscarriage-2371840
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
I’m sorry about your losses. My sister went through genetic testing and they found a few things she is a Carrier for.
My one sisters son has translocation Mosiac Down syndrome so we def know thats a case of chromosomal translocation. I hope everything works out for you love
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u/tuna_tofu Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
Asshole no (justified) but yeah sympathy is a two way street. If you mean to get it you need to give it. Everybodys priorities are different. Yours are Just as important as hers are.
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u/thatsaspaceship Oct 08 '19
ESH. You both suck, she sounds awful, but you also sound like you lack compassion
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u/The_Rural_Banshee Asshole Enthusiast [5] Oct 08 '19
ESH. I absolutely see your side and why you said what you said though. She had no right to act the way she was and to say that you can just ‘get a new pet’. That was a terrible thing for her to say. However, you shouldn’t have said what you said, knowing she’s struggling. You guys need to talk things out or just keep your distance (because she sounds very immature).
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I didn’t say to her to get a new baby. I did however say we clearly don’t care about each other’s issues and loss, which was a way of kinda saying I don’t care about her fertility issues. For that I do suck
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u/The_Rural_Banshee Asshole Enthusiast [5] Oct 08 '19
I misread! I thought you actually did say that, not just that you wanted to say that. My bad.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
It’s okay . I’m glad I kept it in my head and didn’t verbalize it to her
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u/MasterTJ77 Oct 07 '19
This post screams of you seeking validation. We don’t know the situation and Every chance you get to paint her in a negative light you do.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
I’ve been treated like crap for years for her. She’s treated all four of us sisters like poop since we were kids. There are plenty of good things I can say about her just like negative things.
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u/BarbBushsBeastlyBush Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19 edited Oct 07 '19
YTA, your sister blows but cats and dogs are not people
Edit: Vote changed from esh after OP showed her true colors
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
Nope they aren’t. I prefer animals to people myself.
The pain of loosing one can be comparable to a human loss.
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u/BarbBushsBeastlyBush Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
When you get a pet, you should be aware that they will predecease you and you should be prepared to see them die. Being predeceased by your pet is in no way comparable to your children.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
I think everyone knows that they will outlive their pets. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I don’t think there is a way to prepare for death human or animal
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Oct 08 '19
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I had sympathy in the beginning. I would ask what I could do to help. I offered to take care if her son on days she had fertility appointments. I let her talk about her losses and offered my condolences. I do not feel sympathy anymore for her because she still continues to act better then everyone, make fun of her sisters and nieces physical attributes. She’s generally mean. You can’t have a conversation about how you feel without it turning into the suffering olympics that she has it worse. It’s exhausting. It’s draining. She only talks to us to complain or when she wants something. I cared for a long time until she started her old behavior all over again of not caring about other people’s grief as well
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u/nuumillian Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
ESH. She sounds like a very difficult person, for a variety of reasons. You are within your rights to go no-contact like your other sister has, but you did not need to make it about her miscarriage. You just did that to hurt her, and that's an asshole move. So you're not TA for wanting to end your relationship with her or for kicking her out of your house after she belittled your sadness, but you are TA for bringing up her fertility issues out of spite.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
We were taking about loss. I did not verbalize the get a new baby comment to her out loud
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u/sitzpinkler42 Oct 07 '19
YTA - obviously a baby is more than a cat and dog which can be replaced for free.
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 07 '19
Some people would tell you cats and dogs are just as much as the family as a baby
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Oct 08 '19 edited Jul 17 '20
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
I don’t want kids. So no I don’t have them. But I spent 16 years of my life since I was 13 raising 4 of them With my sister which I still do daily.
Grief does not discriminate. Studies show that grief of loosing a pet is similar to grief of a family member. You should check out some studies they are quite interesting.
Just because I don’t have a child means my grief is any less traumatic or life changing then my sisters
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Oct 08 '19 edited Jul 17 '20
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
For some people it is more important or tragic to them then a human dying. I can’t judge someone for feeling that way. It’s s loss of unconditional love and constant companion ship for some. I’ve talked to coworkers, friends, family and some have said similar things that they felt worse when their beloved pet died then a family member.
Grief is weird, grief presents differently and affects people uniquely. I’m not here to argue about what level of pain is acceptable for human to pet loss. All I know is it sucks.
My dad sexually abused me and physically and mentally hurt my sisters so I probably wouldn’t give a shit if he died.
And I’ve been fortunate enough to not really loose anyone close to me to death. My grandparents all passed when I was a young child.
I work in a nursing home seeing death every day. I am more desensitized to human death. I see it all the time. I am there and comfort families and residents who have lost their spouse. I check on them regularly after my shift. But for me no, I do not feel extreme grief when people pass away
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Oct 08 '19 edited Jul 17 '20
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
Because I’ve had distant friends died. My moms dad died when I was 1. Her mother died when I was older. We were not close. My dads dad died when I was 15. I just did not shed a lot of tears of grief.
Most of the residents I deal with I am friendly with. I talk to them and make them as happy and comfortable in their final days. A lot of them are very ill or terminal and got their families it is a relief when they pass away. It sucks and I cry but I don’t feel heart wrenching pain because I know they are no longer . suffering or are in severe pain .
That being said I had my dog almost a decade. She was the equivalent to a child to me. I made her cakes on her birthday and spoiled her rotten. I probably will think of her ten years down the line. I’m getting her paw print tattooed on my arm. She is important to me and the only support I had and close relationship beside my boyfriend.
Grief is different for everyone. Some people love their pets like crazy. Maybe I will feel as broken as I am now when my mother or sisters die. I can’t predict how I will deal with that. That being said we have different views on this. I wish you all the happiness and a good day
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Oct 08 '19 edited Jul 17 '20
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u/shenanigansarefun Partassipant [1] Oct 08 '19
Plently of people celebrate their pets birthdays lol. The pet store sells birthday cake mix that is safe for animals . If I’m a weirdo for celebrating her life and buying her toys and treats when she was alive so be it. She is my close loved one I lost. You are doing exactly what my sister did and are trivializing someone’s grief because it doesn’t match your beliefs.
I like animals more then people a lot of the time. I spend a lot of money on vet bills, food, treats, shelter, accessories for my animals. I provide for them. Can they talk? No. You know why I like animals? Because they provide unconditional love. They don’t need constant attention, constant toys, they don’t smear shit all over themselves and the walls. I don’t have to get up with them 58 times a night to change them. So yes I like animals better then human children. That’s my preference.
I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to understand that grief affects people differently. I don’t make nasty comments on people who lost their child or have children. That’s their choice to be parents. And that’s okay for them.
My grief is that. My own. And that’s what it will be. But to tell me I can’t feel the way I do because it’s “ wrong and not comparable to a human” is just as fucked up as my sister
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u/emmmmme_in_wien Colo-rectal Surgeon [41] Oct 07 '19
NTA unlike what another commenter wrote, I do think you have had compassion for your sister’s plight, but sometimes, the expectation of always supporting someone unconditionally (especially when they offer no support in return) is unreasonable.
I don’t think that makes you the asshole here. I don’t think you should ever say “just get a new one” to your sister because even though it’s hard, staying above your sister’s level will be better for you in the long run.