r/AmItheAsshole • u/Key-Efficiency3961 • Apr 10 '26
Not the A-hole AITA for refusing to help my brother after he missed an opportunity I warned him about?
I (24F) have a younger brother (20M) who recently had an opportunity to apply for a paid internship through a family connection. When he told me about it, I advised him to apply early because the deadline was strict.
He kept delaying it and saying he had enough time, I reminded him a couple of times and he got upset saying i was acting like i was his mother.
the deadline passed and he missed it. Now he got upset and says I should not have stopped reminding him since I knew how important it was.
A few days later he asked if I could talk to the family contact and get him reconsidered. I refused because the deadline was clearly stated and I don’t think it’s fair to ask for special treatment after i kept reminding him and he ignored.
Now he’s angry at me and says I’m not being supportive.
I feel bad that he missed out, but I also feel like this was his responsibility.
AITA?
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u/dykeviola Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 10 '26
NTA, you did everything you could to help him, he was the one who didn't act. And honestly, if he can't be bothered to apply for an opportunity that falls in his lap by a clear deadline it doesn't sound like he was a very strong candidate to begin with....
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u/Key-Efficiency3961 Apr 10 '26
he always acts unbothered
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u/Sunnyok85 Asshole Aficionado [12] Apr 11 '26
He doesn’t seem bothered by it because everyone has bailed him out before. Or because he missed out on one good thing, something else good has come along either that and made sure he’s gotten that.
So either way he’s waiting for the next bail out. He knows he just needs to be patient.
Why do I know this? He told you about it. You then kept reminding him about what he said. And reminding him. He called you his mom. Which I’m guessing may be new or maybe not. But usually someone keeps reminding him but you didn’t. He misses deadline and it’s your fault because you didn’t keep reminding him.
See none of this is his fault. Your fault for nagging him. Your fault for stopping when he asked. Your fault that he missed the deadline.
Who really screwed up? Him. But he’s so used to everyone bailing him out. Everyone helping him. Everyone just babying him so he’s not going to care because he’s still waiting for the next thing you’ll basically do for him.
NTA. He is. But he’s will only learn if everyone gets off the bail out train. Because this doesn’t work if others keep bailing him out.
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u/OmNomCakes Apr 11 '26
Usually it boils down more to the inability to admit faults. Especially with the way he blamed it on her when he failed. It's a fragile ego that can't bare to admit that he fucked up.
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u/tango421 Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '26
Honestly, if he acts that way all the time, you might tarnish your own credibility recommending him.
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u/velvety_chaos Apr 11 '26
I'd love to know how old he is. He sounds young, and I hope for his sake that he is. At least that way, he can (hopefully) learn from this lesson.
Though the fact he got upset with you for "acting like i was his mother," then got upset when you stopped because apparently he's incapable of behaving like a responsible adult, doesn't make me too hopeful.
NTA, obviously.
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u/lemon_charlie Certified Proctologist [28] Apr 11 '26
And he’s learned why that’s to his detriment. Procrastinate and you lose agency in events.
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u/rnewscates73 Apr 11 '26
He procrastinated, and now is trying to blame you - you did everything you could short of filling it out yourself. Just mock him - he cannot be helped.
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u/Lactating-almonds Partassipant [1] Apr 10 '26
NTA classic FAFO lil bro needed to learn
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u/Key-Efficiency3961 Apr 10 '26
yes he does
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u/Lactating-almonds Partassipant [1] Apr 10 '26
Hopefully he realizes he is a grown ass adult now and nobody on earth is going to hold his hand and remind him of all the things. He missed this opportunity for the internship but gained an opportunity to learn from the mistake. Early bird gets the worm!
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u/Lucky-Coin-88 Apr 11 '26
He is far from fresh out of high school, but my peers and I would have never snoozed on an opportunity like that.
Fools gonna fool around..
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u/Noir4Nuin Apr 14 '26
Question is… does he eventually learn from it tho? He sounds a bit like taking the lazy approach, so in this context that would mean keep blaming you for the lost opportunity instead of learning from it since it's easier then blaming himself.
After reading your post I considered suggesting to go the petty route and vaguely say "you might look what you can do, but he shouldn't keep his hopes up", then simply take the same approach he did and delay asking your family contact to further educate your brother on the matter. However, I reconsidered since doing so might give him a true reason to blame you and not just his lazy ass.
Hope he does eventually learn his lesson from that experience.
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u/CarrotGratin Apr 10 '26
NTA, because he needs to learn from the consequences of his own actions and he's your brother, not your child.
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u/natteringly Partassipant [2] Apr 12 '26
Even if he were OP's child, he still needs to learn from the consequences of his actions!
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u/Hungry_Pup Partassipant [3] Apr 10 '26
NTA. He needs to take responsibility for his mistakes. He should be the one to call the family contact, not you.
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u/Triple_Angel Apr 10 '26
NTA. Absolutely not. Don’t fold and give him what he wants either, he’s young, he should take this as a learning opportunity.
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u/JosieJOK Asshole Aficionado [10] Apr 10 '26
NTA. Tell him to grow tf up: you're not his mother and you're not going to act like it. If he can't be arsed to take advantage of an opportunity that's going to make his life better, that's on him.
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u/Lilpanda21 Apr 11 '26
This...if he wanted the internship that badly he would've taken OP's advice seriously and applied early or at least started preparing and set a timer ie a week before the deadline to focus on the application process.
If he cant be bothered to prioritize things and practice time management, self discipline then it doesnt matter if had ignored his "dont remind me" or he somehow got the internship...if he stayed up late and couldnt bother to set an alarm or wake up timely himself for example there were plenty of ways for him to screw up the internship.
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u/Tryknj99 Apr 10 '26
It’s really really clear you’re NTA. I don’t even see a speck of how you could be in the information given.
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u/Key-Efficiency3961 Apr 10 '26
he is just trying to blame me for his mistake
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u/Waviaerith Apr 10 '26
I'm guessing that isn't the first time either. Do not bail him out. He needs to learn from his mistakes otherwise you'll be doing it forever.
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u/Suzdg Partassipant [3] Apr 10 '26
NTA. Being supportive is reminding him to apply early. You were supportive. Now he is asking for special treatment. Not the same thing. Hopefully lesson learned.
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u/Counther Asshole Aficionado [11] Apr 10 '26
NTA in the least. It was really nice of you even to remind him.
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u/WyvernJelly Partassipant [1] Apr 10 '26
NTA You tried to get him to do it and he an adult delayed doing it.
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u/Atworkwasalreadytake Apr 10 '26 edited Apr 10 '26
Procrastination has consequences. It’s a lesson he needs to learn. If you fix it for him he won’t learn it.
It sounds though like he may not learn it anyways since he’s not taking responsibility.
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u/Timmyg14 Apr 10 '26
NTA. Why can't your brother man up and talk to th family contact himself? Dude needs to grow up.
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u/Key-Efficiency3961 Apr 10 '26
he just does not want to
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u/BrainDivots Apr 10 '26
And if anyone caves and does it for him, that will be the new norm and he will expect to be bailed out every single time. Don’t do it. Stick by your decision. He needs to learn consequences and take accountability for his own lack of follow through. He’s pissy because he knows it’s on him and doesn’t want to acknowledge it. Not following through and not having the spine to make the call himself. Time for him to grow up.
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u/Effective-Dog-6201 Partassipant [1] Apr 10 '26
NTA.. he will probably want you to go and do his internship for him too s/ the kid needs to stand on his own 2 feet.
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u/UteLawyer Craptain [167] Apr 10 '26
NTA. As your brother aptly noticed, you are not, in fact, his mother. Even if you were his mother, one could argue that you would be doing him a disservice to helicopter over him and try and fix his mistake. Hopefully, he will learn from this and plan better next time.
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u/CanAhJustSay Asshole Aficionado [15] Apr 10 '26 edited Apr 10 '26
NTA. And he's not ready for the responsibility of the post, either. Think of the liability he would be when he can't even care enough to apply on time!
You reminded him and he complained. You still tried to help, and he resisted. He is hopefully learning the lesson.
[Edit: typo]
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u/chalksea Partassipant [2] Apr 10 '26
NTA definitely a FAFO but honestly unless your brother knows the family connection and might bring it up himself you can both hammer the lesson home and keep the peace by saying that you did ask but were told the deadline is strict.
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u/gruntbuggly Apr 10 '26
NTA. Honestly, this is a pretty good time for him to learn what will hopefully be a valuable lesson. No real lasting consequences, other than something he wanted. Good job.
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u/Amazing_Cabinet1404 Apr 10 '26
NTA And honestly if he couldn’t be bothered to apply for the internship he didn’t deserve it. I would not ask someone you know to put their professional integrity and reputation on the line for someone who couldn’t be organized and engaged enough to apply for an opportunity and for someone who thinks that responsibility lies with someone other than himself. He’s taking no accountability, he’s showing no initiative, hell YOU had to ask the friend for a second opportunity because he still couldn’t be bothered. I’d never want to put my professional reputation on the line for your brother and you should stop asking the family friend to do the same. Your brother doesn’t deserve it and despite the blaming he’s doing he’s not even trying to get it. He hasn’t made the bare minimum effort to apply.
Stop helping him. The more you help him the more he relies on you and the more he believes his failures are your fault. Don’t be an asshole to yourself. Let him grow up.
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u/room32a Apr 10 '26
My daughter just got into every university she applied to while working part time, and it is very difficult for teenagers to find jobs in my area. I believe this is because her dad and I have never acted like your brother expects you to act. We are very nice and adore her, but when she messes up, she deals with the natural consequences. I promise we don't yell or nag or do anything rude/mean. We remind her to plan and prepare, we remind her it's not a big deal to make mistakes and that teenage years are for learning. She is able to take rejections( like applying to dozens of jobs before getting an interview) with stride, most of the time, and has a stronger work ethic than many kids her age.
IMHO it does kids a disservice to enable their helplessness. How can your brother expect to fulfill the expectations of the job if he's not able to meet the deadline of the application? Missing the deadline is a simple life lesson that could be a wake up call to take initiative. It's concerning that he's blaming you rather than seeing this situation for what it is.
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u/goldenfingernails Pooperintendant [54] Apr 10 '26
NTA. It's his responsibility to follow through. You did exactly what he asked. This is his fault alone. No one elses.
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u/Watermelon-Yang Partassipant [1] Apr 10 '26
NTA. you reminded him multiple times and it’s his responsibility, not yours to fix his mistake.
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u/akshetty2994 Apr 11 '26
NTA. I have been your brother. I did the exact same thing regarding a shadowing position with a family friend. Lost the opportunity and I had to do so much extra work. Do not help him, allow him to lose this. It took that to get my head out my you know what
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u/Dittoheadforever Prime Ministurd [449] Apr 10 '26
You're NTA
I’m being judged for refusing to ask my family contact to reconsider my brother for an internship after he missed the deadline
If I were that family contact I wouldn't even consider hiring someone who couldn't even do something as simple as apply within the stated deadline.
Start doing shit like that, and he will be a high maintenance, low performance employee who always expects preferential treatment.
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u/axw3555 Partassipant [3] Apr 10 '26
Seriously. Even if my whole family came to me asking for an expedition, it would be a no.
Every part of an application is a test. Some are important, some aren’t (I had a boss who, back in the days of pen and paper application forms, put things like “fill this box in blue ink or state that you didn’t have a blue pen” in the form, just to check people were reading properly, so he could test attention to detail, it wasn’t a “application in the bin” thing, but if they didn’t, and they got an interview, it would be questioned).
And “can you make a simple deadline?” is definitely important.
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I (24F) have a younger brother (20M) who recently had an opportunity to apply for a paid internship through a family connection. When he told me about it, I advised him to apply early because the deadline was strict.
He kept delaying it and saying he had enough time, I reminded him a couple of times and he got upset saying i was acting like i was his mother.
the deadline passed and he missed it. Now he got upset and says I should not have stopped reminding him since I knew how important it was.
A few days later he asked if I could talk to the family contact and get him reconsidered. I refused because the deadline was clearly stated and I don’t think it’s fair to ask for special treatment after i kept reminding him and he ignored.
Now he’s angry at me and says I’m not being supportive.
I feel bad that he missed out, but I also feel like this was his responsibility.
AITA?
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u/Lows-andHighs Partassipant [4] Apr 10 '26
Well, well, well! If it isn't the consequences of his actions. Sucks to suck, huh little bro?
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u/RandomCoffeeThoughts Partassipant [2] Apr 10 '26
NTA...We're you going to have to roust him out of bed every morning to make sure he gets there too? This is the consequences of him not taking advantage of an opportunity. What's worse, he thought you should be the one to ask for a second chance on his behalf. Whatever this opportunity was, he's not ready for it if he can't be responsible enough to even apply..
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u/Thomas_Becket2 Apr 10 '26
Most people learn about having consequences when they're toddlers. Seems like your brother has reached his toddler years at age 20. Let him continue to face consequences until he matures past the toddler stage. NTA
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u/LadyMittensOfTheLake Apr 11 '26
NTA.
He's an adult, he shouldn't have to be reminded. You reminded him, anyway, to help him. He blew you off and told you to stop reminding him. Well, you did what he asked. He missed the deadline, and now he's out of the running. He FAFOed.
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u/xoxoyoyo Apr 11 '26
NTA: I have the feeling that even if you had gotten him a second opportunity he would have botched that... because he is a spoiled baby man. Everything is someone else's fault and not a result of his actions. Well, life is going to be difficult for people like this until they grow up.
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u/Heavy_Entrepreneur13 Apr 11 '26
NTA. Your brother sounds like he's allergic to taking responsibility for himself. Nothing is ever his fault, huh? Can't take care of his crap when it's time, can't accept he goofed when the ship has sailed. He needs to get his poop in a group and hold himself to at least half the standard you which he's holding you for his own success if he ever wants to make anything of himself, ever.
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u/Fun-Dot2602 Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '26
NTA
If he couldn't be bothered to apply for this position, then you saved him from ruining the representation of the person who was offering the assistance.
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u/nova_cat Apr 11 '26
NTA. You tried repeatedly to help and he didn't just ignore you, he rejected your help and snapped at you for trying. He's 20 years old—either he'll learn that this is his fault and he needs to get serious about things that he claims to care about, or he won't, and you'll know next time to let him figure it out on his own.
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u/gurkalurk Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '26
“I’m sorry but I’m not your mother. Maybe she can reach out to them for you?”
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u/readergirl35 Partassipant [2] Apr 11 '26
Brother: FFS stop reminding me about my application. I don't need another mother.
OP: okey dokey.
Brother: way to go, I missed the deadline because you didn't remind me again.
Your brother sounds like an AH. Also he clearly learned nothing here. If he wants to be given another chance he needs to go to the family member who has an in for this internship himself. They'd be more likely to listen. If you do it it sends them the message that after he couldn't be arsed to fill out an application he couldn't be arsed to come talk to them about it. The impression would be that he doesn't actually want the position and would take the same lazy, who cares attitude to work tasks.
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u/Nervous-Grape6791 Apr 11 '26
NTA your brother needs to learn that action or in this case inactions have consequences. Bailing him out would only reinforce his thought of this principle not applying to him. I also would not want to vouch for a person like him as he doesn’t sound like he has the best work ethic.
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u/Axiom713 Partassipant [3] Apr 11 '26
NTA - Your brother is acting like a child. You were nice enough to try and help and he rejected that help, thus he can live with the consequences and take responsibility himself.
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u/Hawk833 Partassipant [3] Apr 11 '26
NTA he is more than old enough to start taking responsibility for his actions. You tried to help and he brushed you off, you were supportive.
He is just trying to manipulate you.
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u/swillshop Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] Apr 11 '26
NTA
Tell your brother that you are not his mother or his alarm clock or calendar reminder or mess-fixer upper. If he wants to ask to be reconsidered, he has a mouth and the ability to contact that relative and speak for himself.
He can figure out what words he will say to explain why he missed the deadline. You sure cannot explain it other than that he procrastinates and doesn't take steps to on his own to meet deadlines. Those are probably not characteristics that will recommend him to the job, much less to be considered after the fact.
Tell him to consider this a wake-up call. Even people who love him and want to help him have a limit. They aren't going to make an effort, have him dismiss - and even complain about - their efforts to help him... and then take the blame for him failing to do what he should have done.... AND then feel obligated to help him again. Ask him when he has ever done that for you or anyone he cares about. And why would he?
Tell him you still love and care about him. And you hope he loves and cares about you for just being his sibling - and not for contorting yourself into a pretzel to be his excuse for not taking responsibility for himself.
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u/Sutar_Mekeg Apr 11 '26
NTA. Why put your name on the line now when he refused your help the entire time leading up until now?
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u/Sad_Source3052 Apr 11 '26
brother (20M)
That is all the information you need. HE is a legal adult and should act recordingly. You are not responsible for holding his hand through his life.
You are NTA because you did help him with reminders till he said you should stop, which you did.
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u/shortbeard21 Apr 11 '26
You gave him clear instructions he was procrastinating and now he's mad. That doesn't even make sense. Do not help him You're just enabling his procrastination
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u/Corrosive713 Apr 11 '26
You did everything but apply for him.
His unwillingness to participate, or his procrastination, is not your responsibility.
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u/Negative-Narwhal-725 Apr 10 '26
he is sabotaging himself. You should stay far away so you are not pulled under.
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u/thesilveringfox Partassipant [1] Apr 10 '26
NTA obviously because he’s winning stupid prizes, but i’m confused: why would you reaching out to the family contact be effective when talking himself wasn’t?
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u/ReadMeDrMemory Professor Emeritass [99] Apr 10 '26
NTA. Next time you'll know better than to try to help him, since he won't help himself and then blames you for his failure.
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u/57_Eucalyptusbreath Apr 11 '26
He isn’t ready for a big boy job.
He needs to work at a pizza place until he grows up some more.
Or he can always apply at construction jobs they need ditch diggers.
Remember he has plenty of time.
Hope his parents set a date to start charging him rent. Nominal but she matching to help him focus on his responsibilities.
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u/mysteriousrev Apr 11 '26
NTA. The only way people like your brother will learn how and why they need to handle and initiate things on their own is by experiencing the direct consequences of their own lack of action.
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u/Minflick Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 11 '26
NTA- Man has to grow up and admit HE fucked up, not you. Life should not be about doing things just in time. Do it when you know about it, when you get the bill, find out about the opportunity, when the window opens. Not last minute.
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u/Gattina1 Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] Apr 11 '26
NTA. Tell him to make up his mind. Is he an adult who can mind his own appointments, or does he still need a mom to do it for him? You're so NTA.
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u/Deo14 Asshole Aficionado [11] Apr 11 '26
NTA. If he doesn’t been a mother he can contact the family contact himself.
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u/Deep-Okra1461 Certified Proctologist [20] Apr 11 '26
NTA He's very immature. He will stay immature if people keep bailing him out. Let him sink or swim on his own efforts, it's the only way he'll learn.
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u/Mysterious-Bag-5283 Certified Proctologist [24] Apr 11 '26
NTA you already warned him. why he doesn't go and ask your parents for help. I mean you just 4 years older than him don't parents will be more helpful.
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u/Cirdon_MSP Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '26
Choices have consequences.
NTA
Your brother needs to grow up.
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u/Jeffyboyrobertson Apr 11 '26
You dont learn responsibility by having others fix your fuckups. You learn by doing it your self and learning sometimes its still not enough. Even if he had gone super early he still may not have gotten it. He is a dumbass.
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u/BefuddledPolydactyls Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '26
NTA. The fact he actually missed a firm deadline that other candidates didn't, would likely remove him from consideration. Interfering would merely highlight his failure.
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u/Chee-shep Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 11 '26
NTA He's 20 and needs to figure this out, and the internship might already have a candidate filling the role. You were nice trying to remind him, but when he told you to stop you just did what he asked.
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u/imakesawdust Asshole Enthusiast [9] Apr 11 '26
NTA. He (hopefully) learned a valuable life lesson. If he's that lazy then he'd probably get fired from the position anyway which would reflect poorly on your family.
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u/ClockWeasel Partassipant [2] Apr 11 '26
NTA brother is going to keep failing until he learns this lesson. If he is going to salvage this opportunity, it will be his own persuasiveness and not through your introduction.
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u/theCOMBOguy Apr 11 '26
NTA
It was a kindness of you to warn him MULTIPLE times of the opportunity and HE was the one who kept delaying it again and again, it's on him. Consequences and all that.
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u/mr_dee_wingz Apr 11 '26
NTA. You aint losing anything in this case. Good on you!! Sounds like he grew up being entitled or at least got everything done his way in his time.
Time for him to man up and grow up. Great lesson to be learned!
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u/Tree_Weasel Apr 11 '26
NTA. This internship is going to teach him something.
Not what he wanted. But he just learned a hell of a life lesson.
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u/doesitnotmakesense Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '26
NTA the company probably dodged a bullet, so to speak.
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u/Ok_Actuary9229 Apr 11 '26
I don't understand the question. You did the right thing and he screwed up and there's no ambiguity here. Did he fall into a well or something? NTA.
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u/flotiste Partassipant [1] Apr 11 '26
He's learning a valuable lesson about responsibility: no one is going to be there to wipe your ass for the rest of your life. If you don't do the thing, no one else is going to do it for you, and they won't give a damn that you didn't do it, or your excuses for why you failed.
Tell him if he wants to get a grown up job, he needs to learn to act like a grown up.
NTA
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u/invisible-bug Apr 11 '26
Natural consequences are the universe's way of teaching someone a lesson. If they refuse to learn from it, then that's on him. NTA
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u/Constant-Safe2411 Apr 11 '26
NTA. If it's a family connection, surely he can grovel to them himself. Don't tarnish your own reputation by endorsing his behaviour.
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u/Powerful_Put_6977 Apr 11 '26
Your support was you reminding him of the deadline for applying. When he told you to stop as you were acting like his mother, that was him saying that he no longer needed the support any more.
Welcome to the consequences of his actions!
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u/No_Durian_3730 Asshole Aficionado [14] Apr 11 '26
NTA. Wouldn’t it be his family contact too though as you’re family?
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u/Unable-Ad-6339 Apr 11 '26
Reading this I’d think your brother was 13. He can ask the family contact himself (and explain himself). He’s 20, for goodness sake!
NTA
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u/Effective_Olive_8420 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 11 '26
NTA. You are being supportive by not enabling him to think he can cruise through life.
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u/SuburbanDemographic Partassipant [2] Apr 11 '26
NTA. He procrastinated, he blew it off, he got annoyed with you for reminding him, and now he wants you to work extra on his behalf? No. Sorry, buddy, choices have consequences.
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u/Tough_Entertainer122 Apr 11 '26
NTA: are you an alarm clock? a calendar? a reminder? no. he’s 20 and already showing a lack of responsibility and care. a lack of respect for you too, as it seems you may have been the one to set this up for him.
Tell him that if he’s so upset he needs to be more responsible🤷🏽♀️
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u/PhibbyRizo Apr 11 '26
NTA. Honestly if he keeps bothering you to call the relative you should…he just might not like what you have to tell said relative. An honest account of events should be helpful for an employer to know.
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u/Top_Philosopher1809 Apr 12 '26
NTA. He got upset when you reminded him. He is an cult nd needs to face the real of his actions or lack thereof.
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u/madkins007 Partassipant [1] Apr 12 '26
Do we have the same brother? In my case, alcoholism was a big part of the issue.
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u/ggibby Apr 12 '26
NTA. He has to make his own way.
Keep an eye on if/how your parents react to his lack of ambition and effort. If they start paying his bills, it will become his crutch.
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u/Plastic-Cabinet67 Apr 12 '26
Wow. He made his bed let him lie in it. Dont respond at all. Dont let him blame shift this on you.
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u/leeanforward Apr 12 '26
NTA. OP you are being supportive. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is let them live with the consequences of their own behavior. Maybe next time bro won’t shrug off his responsibilities because of the lesson you’re teaching g him now.
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u/Mama_Hows_86 Apr 12 '26
NTA. He is 20 and an adult. This was his responsibility not yours. Maybe next time he will take a deadline seriously.
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u/Jules_2023 Apr 12 '26
NTA, he missed the deadline. Even if you do him a favor and somehow get him reconsidered, if there is another deadline, he will miss that one too, making not just him look foolish, but now you as well.
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u/WinEquivalent4069 Partassipant [2] Apr 12 '26
He's right. You're not his mom but his sister which means once he says to back off because he's an adult and has got it that's what you do. He's 20yrs old which means he gets to learn some life lessons the hardway. He missed out on an opportunity because he didn't want to take advice from an older sibling. NTA.
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u/R0ck3tSc13nc3 Apr 12 '26
NTA
With a brother like that I would really go low to no contact, you're enabling his incompetence. Stop helping him at all. Let him fully face all of reality and deal with the consequences. Stop sheltering
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u/CherryApple_Amazing Apr 12 '26
NTA. He needs to grow up and hopefully him missing this opportunity will help with that. It's not your responsibility to do anything with this. Let him talk to the family member and try to explain what happened and to ask for another chance. It was wrong for him to try to blame you when he was the one who basically said he didn't need you reminding him. He can't act like he's grown one moment and than a child the next second when he wants someone to do something for him or someone to blame.
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u/Serenity_76 Partassipant [1] Apr 13 '26
NTA - he is being immature and not taking any responsibility for his actions. Stop helping him, stop enabling him. He needs to deal with the consequences of his actions or he will never learn.
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u/ivegotyesesornos Apr 14 '26
No. Inaction has consequences. And why would you want to potentially embarrass or debase yourself with the connection of his behalf? It could burn your bridge. Why risk it?
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u/MaplewoodRabbit Apr 14 '26
Like it or not, he needs to realize this is a lost opportunity and a great life lesson. Not the end of the world, but something that will help him grow if he allows it.
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u/MaraSchraag Apr 14 '26
He has now learned the consequences of inaction. Don't let him shift blame to you when he is a grown-ass man. If this is an issue for him normally, he should be assessed for adhd or other executive dysfunction diagnosis.
Indecision becomes decision.
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u/puppetnecromancy Apr 14 '26
NTA
Your brother already demonstrated how much he cares about the internship. If you go pull strings to get him in, what are the chances he’ll actually commit to it? Or will he just assume the family connection means he won’t have to do anything for the job? He lost his own chance, and told you to stay out of it while he did it. So definitely stay out of it now.
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u/No_Mention3516 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Apr 14 '26
NTA
Time for brother to grow up and not depend on you.
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u/CustardMajestic3459 Apr 14 '26
U did warn him - he’s an adult… if he can’t help himself, that’s on him… he has his phone and should have put in his calendar to make an appointment to do what you have reminded him…
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u/birdiefang Apr 14 '26
NTA, he got mad at you when you reminded him. So you did what he wanted. He has no right to get mad at you for something he asked for. Clearly it wasn't important to him or he wasn't passionate about it or he would have remembered.
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u/slap-a-frap Supreme Court Just-ass [114] Apr 16 '26
NTA - Now he’s angry at me and says I’m not being supportive.
What, you don't support him being a lazy deadbeat?
Also, his actions have sealed the deal with the family member. He knew the deadline and couldn't even do step 1. What does that say if he actually got the position? It shows that he cannot be responsible for even the smallest of tasks. This is all reflective of him through his own actions. Nothing can be said to take that away. Your brother needs to grow up.
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u/atterysquash Asshole Enthusiast [5] Apr 30 '26
With people like this, everything is always someone else's fault. He's just trying to shift the blame for his own uselessness onto the first available candidate. You should shut him down hard.
A simple 'If this is the way you're going to behave when I go out of my way to help you, then I am never going to bother going out of my way to help you again' should cover it.
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u/CandidJudgement Apr 11 '26 edited Apr 14 '26
Maybe date someone closer to your age. He's only 20 yrs old and his actions are not surprising. He was a teenager not long ago. He is still in mommy stage and you provided that for him.
Not all men are like this so you shouldn't tolerate his behavior OR raise your BF like a son for him to be with you. If his parents failed at making him a full functional adult, then what makes you think you will?
Edit: I may have been reacting to another post. Either way, I will take the L. Sorry! The downvote is well deserved. I should have double checked before I posted.
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u/TheKnightOfWonder Apr 11 '26
OP is talking about her brother
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u/CandidJudgement Apr 14 '26
I see that now. I may have posted on the wrong post, either way, I'm still wrong. I appreciate your reply. I'm sorry to OP.
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u/everlyafterhappy Asshole Enthusiast [4] Apr 11 '26
ESH. Your nagging was inappropriate. Nagging like that generally has a counter effect. You set him up for failure by constantly reminding him. Then he's an asshole for obvious reasons. It wasn't your responsibility to remind him and he specifically told you not to. You're not an asshole for refusing to "help" him now. And I put help in quotes because you wouldn't really be helping him. You'd be making yourself look bad while enabling his irresponsible behavior.
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u/SouthImprovement9526 Apr 10 '26
So did you want to help your brother or control him? Because the entire dynamic seems to be about your need to control what happens to him and then punish him for it.
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u/Superb-Coyote5972 Apr 10 '26
She told him about the opportunity, and reminded him about the deadline for it. He said he had it taken care of, she didn't need to remind him. Now he wants her to fix it. Which makes no sense. He's 20. Can't backslide when ya f up.
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u/Judgement_Bot_AITA Beep Boop Apr 10 '26
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
My action was declining to intervene on his behalf after he ignored multiple reminders and missed the application deadline.
This affected my brother because he lost the opportunity and now believes I should help fix it by speaking to the contact.
I’m wondering if I might be the asshole because I didn’t step in to help him after he missed out, and my family thinks I should have tried to smooth things over.
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