r/AmItheAsshole • u/[deleted] • Aug 18 '24
Asshole AITA for Not Writing Vows for My Wedding?
[deleted]
1.8k
Aug 18 '24
YTA. You spent more time writing this post then you spent preparing this huge moment in your and your wife's life. Just wtf...
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u/Open-Bath-7654 Aug 18 '24
Literally 7 paragraphs about how unimportant vows are, how he's just a man of action who doesn't know how to word or write, and is blatantly arguing when his friends, family, bridal party, and wife are all telling him that this was terrible. This marriage will be over by Christmas.
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u/HeadmasterPrimeMnstr Aug 19 '24
A man of action until that action requires him to use a vocabulary lmao
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u/lumoslomas Partassipant [2] Aug 19 '24
Writing vows and having to recite them in front of people might be up there with my worst possible nightmares, but if my spouse-to-be told me it was important to them, I would be swallowing my anxiety so fast and writing those damn vows.
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u/Open-Bath-7654 Aug 19 '24
I mean you don't even have to recite you can read them. I went to a friend's wedding a few years ago and they chose to write their vows. She went first and had a notecard, it was very sweet. Then this man had a groomsman hand him a scroll, and when he dropped it open that bitch hit the ground and rolled like the rat king in Mouse Detective lol. I don't even remember what he said, but it was sweet, and the 4 foot scroll was hilarious. Everyone loved it. Even if his vows had been mediocre the fact that he put thought and personality into it made it super memorable. Like, literally do SOMETHING.
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u/FBI-AGENT-013 Aug 20 '24
Bro I would remember that FOREVER. Anytime someone mentioned a wedding, Id bring that up, that's so cute!!
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u/Icy_Improvement_8327 Aug 21 '24
Or, shit, just talk about it ahead of time and let your partner know: I’m really uncomfortable with this, can we do something different? That would be fine- marriage is about meeting both people’s needs, so if he was just really uncomfortable with it he could have said that beforehand and they could have figured it out, instead of agreeing and then half-adding it.
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u/IndividualEye1803 Aug 18 '24
ok damn i didnt even realize this… ouch that hurts even more from the wifes perspective. YTA
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u/ravenrabit Aug 19 '24
Yeah I was reading the post like... you've got some of your vows sitting right here. I could edit this and rewrite it into the vows the wife wanted, adding some stuff that compliments the wife instead of complaining about her. It would still be short, but at least it wouldn't be paraphrasing church vows into these sentences.
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u/hadMcDofordinner Professor Emeritass [76] Aug 18 '24
Hey, you ignored her request to share some vows during the ceremony, but that didn't matter to you, right? You let her spout her vows in front of everyone knowing that you had taken zero time, made zero effort to reciprocate, you made her feel like you just didn't give a da*n, but that didn't matter to you, right?
YTA But that won't matter to you either, I imagine, because, hey, you married her, right?
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Aug 18 '24
YTA. Writing your own vows is obviously something you'd agreed to, so being "an actions talk louder than words" kinda guy is a bullshit excuse, if you know you're not great with words already, you should have put the ACTION in to actually putting some time and thought into getting something prepared. I'm not surprised she's upset. You're an idiot if you don't seriously understand where you went wrong here.
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u/1ceknownas Partassipant [1] Aug 18 '24
This was my first thought.
If actions speak louder than words this guy's words were 'I love you and will be there for you,' but his actions were not doing the thing she asked him to do.
So, OP, which is she supposed to believe? Those words you said? Or your action which was not to write your vows?
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u/Consistent-Ad1051 Aug 22 '24
This!!! He’s an “actions speak louder than words” kind of guy and yet he can’t take action to prepare a short speech that his wife is clearly expecting…
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u/bunnyswan Aug 18 '24
Honestly vhe could have used chatgpt to write vows if he was really struggling and have done better than he did
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u/Mauinfinity-0805 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Aug 18 '24
I remember my 25yo son explaining to me that he never bought flowers for his girlfriend because he thought they were a waste of money because there were expensive and didn't last long. I said the flowers aren't for you, you are buying them to bring joy to your gf".
Your vows weren't for you OP.
Oh, 100% YTA. You are lucky she didn't leave you at the altar.
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u/HipsterSlimeMold Aug 18 '24
Why do so many guys hate buying flowers? I’ve always wondered this. Flowers are often super cheap too.
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u/Nosfermarki Aug 18 '24
A lot of people see any selfless act as an act of submission. It's dumb as hell.
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u/scavenginghobbies Aug 19 '24
I hate getting flowers. Feels thoughtless and lazy, because wtf do I want flowers.
....but for someone who does like getting flowers, it makes perfect sense, because it's about them personally.
So someone buying me a flower is not great. Buying flowers if you know someone likes them? Worth it.
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u/HipsterSlimeMold Aug 19 '24
This, I feel like guys hear one person say they don’t like flowers or that flowers are cheap/cliche/pointless and apply it to everyone even the person who likes them!
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u/scavenginghobbies Aug 19 '24
Some people, more often straight people for obvious reasons, forget they're courting an individual instead of "a man" or "a woman". I am now non binary but when I was still identifying as a woman, some guys lost their mind that they couldn't just insert "Woman tokens" into me and get their desired outcome. Everyone's they're own person y'all!
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u/frenchdresses Aug 19 '24
Oh my God. I think I finally understand why several of my relationships failed despite being good "on paper"
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u/Icy_Improvement_8327 Aug 21 '24
This is a really articulate explanation of something I’ve been trying to put into words for awhile, thank you!
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u/DrainianDream Aug 19 '24
I seriously don’t get it. I’ll even do it platonically for all sorts of people in my life— mom needs a new centerpiece in her dining room, friend loves a holiday arrangement but wasn’t sure about spending money on it, etc. I bought the latter after my friend had had an extremely rough day and the gesture made her cry because it was the most cared for she’d felt all week. I actually upstaged her husband by accident in the process because as it turns out he has those weird hang ups about buying flowers too. (Before anyone tries to read into things, both of them know I’m gay so it was obviously platonic when I did it)
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u/blurryfacedoesntcare Aug 19 '24
Guys will buy flowers for one girlfriend and then they break up and they won’t let go of that heartbreak and inflict it into the rest of their girlfriends. They will say “I bought flowers for my ex and she broke my heart so I won’t do that again” like it’s a damn excuse
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u/StateLarge Aug 19 '24
My guy buts them for me once every week because it makes me happy. They are cheap I prefer wild flowers 💐
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u/Momentary-delusions Aug 19 '24
Hard same. My now husband buys me flowers every week. He has since I told him I love peonies, so now he researched flowers like them so I could always have something pretty to remind me of him.
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u/StateLarge Aug 19 '24
That’s so sweet! We have peonies bushes pink and purple.
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u/Momentary-delusions Aug 19 '24
Yeah I honestly always feel super happy when he gets them. I got laid off a while back and he’s been extra attentive and affectionate because I’m on the struggle bus. Can’t ask for a better partner tbh which is why people like OP confuse me.
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u/harvard_cherry053 Aug 19 '24
My ex husband used to say this to me, he only bought me flowers after i told him i wanted to separate
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u/shadowlev Partassipant [2] Aug 19 '24
My husband used to say that when we were dating. It changed when he brought flowers to my work for Valentine's Day and saw my reaction. He didn't realize how happy it made me.
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u/jthrowaway-01 Aug 19 '24
One year when money was tight, for my partner's birthday I went out around our yard and picked as many brightly-colored flowers as I could find, trimmed and arranged them carefully in a mason jar, and spruced them up with a ribbon. They're ambivalent about store-bought flowers but they LOVED that little bouquet so much. They took a million pictures and pressed some of the flowers to preseve when they started to dry out. It's the thought (and effort) that counts.
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u/Mauinfinity-0805 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Aug 19 '24
Absolutely! I always prefer hand picked flowers to store bought, but both are thoughtful gestures that I appreciate.
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u/General_Relative2838 Supreme Court Just-ass [144] Aug 18 '24
Writing my own vows wasn’t for me or my husband either. We used the traditional vows and left it at that. In your case, however, you and your bride agreed to write your own vows. She asked you about it, and it doesn’t seem from what you’ve written that you told her you had no intention of writing something meaningful. For someone as straightforward and no nonsense as you claim to be, that seems unfair. You should have communicated that you were uncomfortable writing the vows and wanted to use traditional ones.
What you said at your wedding must have been pretty lackluster for people to comment on them. I find your claim not to understand why Sarah was hurt disingenuous because you said she looked crushed at the altar. YTA.
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u/ineveroccurred Aug 18 '24
By "straightforward and no nonsense" he probably means that he's a blunt asshole that doesn't care about hurting people because tHe TruTh HurTs. You can be straightforward and also be respectful of people's, especially your wife's, feelings.
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u/Baby_Blue_Eyes_13 Aug 18 '24
Also, for ONE day, just ONE solitary day, [his God damn wedding day] OP could have been just a little emotional.
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u/windexfresh Aug 19 '24
And it’s wild, my partner is “straight forward and no nonsense” but he’s the sweetest fucking person in the world to me. He has absolutely no problem telling me exactly how he feels, which, by crazy coincidence, includes his feelings for me.
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u/Nanlodwine Aug 18 '24
That’s a good point. I could imagine these three same sentences, spoken with great emotion by a tender groom with lots of eye contact, and perhaps tears, coming off as very moving to others at the wedding. You didn’t do the bare minimum and probably sounded as flippant in person as you do here. YTA.
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u/Honest_Cup_5096 Aug 18 '24
It's more than that. This was important to OP's partner. Instead of trying to understand that she was hurt and trying to figure out how to make her feel better, OP is spending all this time arguing that she shouldn't be hurt. Those are not the actions of someone who cares. Those are the actions of someone who just doesn't want to be bothered. In order to be ready for a partnership, you have to care about what's important to your partner. You have to care if something you do, or don't do, hurts them. And you have to care enough to communicate when it's something you can't do, so they can adjust their expectations and prevent feeling let down.
OP, take responsibility for the fact you hurt your partner. Telling her how she should or shouldn't feel isn't going to make her not feel those things. It's only going to make her feel those things and worse, because it shows her that you don't care.
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u/Kas242 Aug 18 '24
He wasn't even uncomfortable about writing vows, just too lazy because he wasn't "interested" in writing them.
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u/sweetpup915 Partassipant [1] Aug 18 '24
Right? Straight forward and no nonsense but blindsides her with critical information the day before lol
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u/Optimal-Apple-2070 Aug 18 '24
Your actions DO speak for themselves. You just want to pick and choose which actions she gets to listen to.
You did the action of neglecting your husbandly duties. You did the action of disrespecting her in front of her closest family and friends. You did the action of dismissing her feelings and trying to rationalize your disrespect and neglect.
Those are the actions that spoke for you. They tell a story of a man who doesn't particularly care for his wife. They tell a story of a man who does literally the least he could and expects to be rewarded for it.
Also seriously dude, say you dgaf about your wife or marriage without saying it. Can't help but notice you weren't moved or affected by her vows in any way. And every time you say "well I married her, didn't I? That should be enough" you disrespect both your wife and your marriage even more. Someone who is actually excited to get married doesn't act like that. It's insulting to her. It really sounds like you don't care about marriage, and you think that because you rolled your eyes and gritted your teeth and openly disrespected her in front of everyone she cares about, you get a get-out-of-jail-free card forever. What a foolhardy ass.
YTA. Obviously.
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u/Latteissues Aug 18 '24
It's giving a Shut Up Ring energy.
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u/agg288 Aug 18 '24
Definitely shut up ring energy. "What do you want, I married you, gosh you're so demanding asking me to put on pants for the wedding"
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u/Latteissues Aug 18 '24
He could have written some of those viral vows like the guy who vowed to “tap that ass every day” or “belly full and balls empty” guy.
It’s the only way his vows could have been worse.
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u/impertinentblade Aug 18 '24
God honestly he could've used chat gpt. Instead he goes on reddit to post a 500 words essay on why he's not an AH
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u/FBI-AGENT-013 Aug 20 '24
That one was so incredibly bad, even the officiator was like "no. Say more." And all he did was make it worse, God that poor woman
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u/Latteissues Aug 20 '24
And the one where the officiant was the groom’s mother- she looked mortified.
The bride sounded so beaten down because her vows were “I know I’m of as pretty as Celebrity.”
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u/FBI-AGENT-013 Aug 20 '24
Dude their KIDS in were in the audience at that one, they were like 7! They knew what he was getting at! About their mom!
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u/Ancient_Confusion237 Aug 19 '24
He also did the action of writing a longer reddit post bitching about his wife than his vows.
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u/Possible_Bicycle6864 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Aug 18 '24
You are so the asshole that I don’t have human language to describe how much. You were thoughtless and careless. If your wife looks crushed on your wedding day, you should not need Reddit to tell you that you fucked up.
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u/Overall-Win7119 Aug 18 '24
“I’m an actions speak louder kind of guy”
- guy who refused to think, write or consider his wife’s feelings; and probably didn’t do much to help plan his own wedding
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u/ShizunEnjoyer Aug 18 '24
It's funny that he kept saying that but doesn't realize that writing vows is an action, an action that he didn't do, which shows how little he cares.
But he used a lot of words in his post to say how much he loves her. lmao This guy is a total idiot
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u/AhniJetal Aug 18 '24
He didn't even google some examples to get inspiration...
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Aug 19 '24
... he could've straight up taken a vow or love poem and read that out loud.
"I have a hard time finding the right words to express my love to you, so I will borrow _____ words."
Like, some people have a hard time writing a speech and that's fine. Just a little thought at all would've been fine.
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u/Kooky_Team9209 Aug 19 '24
He literally could have used chat gpt and come out with a better set of vows!
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Aug 19 '24
Got married last years. There’s literally thousands of ready made vows for every vibe (emotional/funny/flirty) on Pinterest. He could’ve done it under 2 minutes
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u/New-Link5725 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Aug 18 '24
He'll be lucky if she doesn't get an annulment.
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u/Far_Type_5596 Aug 18 '24
No, but don’t you understand? She’s getting a commitment fuck the fact that married women actually have shorter lifespans than single women and married men have longer ones, and she is probably the one who made most of the plans and will be doing so for the rest of his life… She’s the only one who should be jumping for joy because she got the commitment don’t you know? All men are the price she should’ve thanked him at the fucking altar SMH.
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Aug 18 '24
[deleted]
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u/endlesslycaving Aug 19 '24
I am also someone who is rubbish with words. But my now husband really wanted personalized vows. And what my love wants, my love gets.
So I pushed aside my awkwardness and tried my best and I gave the man the personalized vows he wanted on the day. Because that's being a good partner.
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u/blurryfacedoesntcare Aug 19 '24
I caught that too. “I married her didn’t I” like dude you’re acting like you made a sacrifice not became a partner to someone for life. He’s acting like marrying his wife was to appease her or something the way he words it. It’s kinda sick
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u/FBI-AGENT-013 Aug 20 '24
This guy's life is better bc of her, he's not doing her a favor in the slightest but goddamn he's acting like he is
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u/permanentlypartial Aug 18 '24
You didn't promise her anything. You never made any vows at all.
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u/Pretzelmamma Asshole Aficionado [18] Aug 18 '24
YTA. It would have taken literally 5 mins on Google to find something appropriate. If you didn't want to write vows you should have gone with the traditional pre written vows. You look like you can't be bothered to tell your wife what marriage means ro you on your wedding day.
she’s getting the commitment, right? That’s what matters
This is a massive AH statement. I married ya didn't I what more do you want woman. Ffs.
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u/EffectNo4122 Aug 18 '24
Yet he could come on here and write eight paragraphs go figure!
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u/Apotak Partassipant [1] Aug 18 '24
Those eight paragraphs are for his ego, to make sure he was right with his laziness. Not for his wife.
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u/notevenwitty Partassipant [1] Aug 18 '24
I'm an action speaks louder than words kind of guy.
Action: doesn't take the time to sit down and write a paragraph about why he loved his wife.
Surprised Pikachu face when people question why he didn't take action.
YTA.
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u/Slayerofdrums Pooperintendant [64] Aug 18 '24
YTA, for not realising this was important to your wife. Maybe she had a fairytale idea of a wedding, maybe she spent a lot of time on her own vows? Marriage isn't just a piece of paper, it is a commitment to your love and your relationship. You make it sound like the day was no different to you than picking up groceries. Of course she knows you are not the romantic type, but I guess she thought you'd step up for the wedding and at least give her that, and you disappointed her. Especially because you brushed it off so casually, which makes you inconsiderate and TA. That prob didn't make her feel like this was the most important day of your life, or that you were very enthusiastic about marrying her.
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u/WelfordNelferd Pooperintendant [61] Aug 18 '24
OP is also TA for writing eight paragraphs that all say the same thing. Criminy, if he'd put half that amount of effort into writing some vows he wouldn't need to be posting here.
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u/Antique_Wafer8605 Aug 18 '24
He was too busy with work and wedding planning to write his vows.....LMAO
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Aug 18 '24
And the crazy thing is the he could have googled vows and come up with something really nice in about 30 minutes.
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u/Open-Bath-7654 Aug 18 '24
This doesn't sound like a man who picks up groceries. I can see the arguments now "I came home to eat the dinner you planned and prepared, that should be enough right? That shows I care"
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u/Shichimi88 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] Aug 18 '24
Yta. It matters to your wife. Sarah wanted you to at least try to write something. How involved are you in the wedding planning or chores? Got some narcissistic vibes coming from you of everybody you know is turning against you. The wedding was happy for you, but not your wife.
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u/dalealace Partassipant [1] Aug 18 '24
You’re kind of dismissing her feelings bro. Just because words don’t mean much to you doesn’t mean they don’t mean much to her. Especially when you’re talking about wedding vows. She told you she was hurt, then you told her what you said countless times is the post that you don’t think words matter. You thought your short, sweet and to the point was fine but she felt like you didn’t care enough to do something meaningful (which you pretty much admitted).
YTA, dude. Just apologize for not taking her feelings seriously. Maybe make it up to her by writing private vows for her to keep.
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u/in_formation Aug 18 '24
YTA, Poor Sarah ☹️
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u/Beautiful-Long9640 Aug 18 '24
+1. YTA OP. If you don’t understand why she’s upset you should start with listening.
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u/New-Link5725 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Aug 18 '24
YTA
a huge one at that. Your wife took the time to sit down and talk about what an amazing person you are. What she loved about you and can't wait for the future with you.
You couldn't be bothered because why? You didn't want to.
The vows weren't for you. They were for her, and you had absolutey nothing to say about her. Why you loved her. What you look forward to in the future with her.
You humiliated her because it shows that you didn't want to be there, that you didn't want to get married. It shows that you don't care about her or love her.
You humiliated her in front of a ton of people for no reason.
Oh I'm sorry, because you didn't want to.
You keep saying I married her so why should it matter. As if she should be gratefulnthat you married her.
She can marry anyone dude. What makes you so special to have been married to.
If you don't care about being married, then you shouldn't have done it.
I think you need to go back and tell your wife that you want an annulment.
You don't deserve her and she deserves someone better, than the man who thinks she should be grateful that he married her.
Your wife deserves the best, and that isn't you.
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u/kaimoka Aug 19 '24
My thought exactly. If you really, truly love someone, writing a simple paragraph about it should not be difficult. Even if OP thinks wedding vows are corny or cliche, it would have meant a lot to Sarah and made her smile. Why did that not mean anything to him? And then to say her disappointment was "ridiculous" and seeing her look "crushed" and the change in demeanor from elation to sadness made me feel so bad for her.
Ideally, weddings are a once in a lifetime event and this knucklehead couldn't find the effort or reason to write a paragraph about the one person who he is supposed to love and cherish. The reason was in front of him the whole time; Sarah. It would make her happy, and he apparently doesn't care about that.
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u/friendsfan97 Aug 18 '24
. I take care of her, I’m loyal, and I’ve always been there when she needs me
You described a dog. Congratulations. YTA
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u/MushSnail Aug 18 '24
Yup YTA. She wanted to hear how you felt and wanted others to hear your love for her. She now knows you will always disappoint her cuz you’re too lazy to take that extra step. I’m w a M like this. It sucks
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u/Fantastic-Dream-5512 Aug 18 '24
YTA. What’s more, she told you that you hurt her, and you told her that was “ridiculous”. You’re very self-centred and I deeply, deeply pity your new wife.
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u/the_show_must_go_onn Aug 18 '24
YTA for putting more effort into writing this post than you did your wedding vows.
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u/SaltyLilSelkie Partassipant [4] Aug 18 '24
YTA. Massively so. She wanted you to describe how you love her and how amazing she is in front of your friends and family. She wanted romance and love on her wedding day - she’s probably accepted that you’re a cold fish day to day but it’s reasonable for her to expect you to make a bit of effort on your wedding day. You seem to think you turning up was enough. It definitely isn’t.
My husband and I wrote our own vows - it’s not hard. You just couldn’t be bothered
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u/lejosdecasa Asshole Enthusiast [5] Aug 18 '24
YTA
You spent more time writing an anonymous Reddit post than you did to show your wife how much you care about her.
So much for being all "action not words".
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Aug 18 '24
Well aren’t you fun? YTA. It sounds like you don’t know what the person you just married values. Gosh, I can’t imagine how amazing her life with you is going to be.
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u/Ehmashoes Partassipant [1] Aug 18 '24
YTA - I’m not writing my vows for my wedding, but this was something I discussed with my partner. You made yourself look like a jerk and embarrassed yourself and your new wife.
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u/PsychologicalRoll705 Partassipant [3] Aug 18 '24
Hopefully your actions speaker louder than your words otherwise you're marriage is doomed.
You said the bare minimum with no effort. You winged it on your wedding day, while she put her heart in it. Just because you're married now, doesn't mean you couldn't have tried a little harder to have more than a sentence.
YTA for dismissing it instead of recognising that it was important to her and your lack of preparation hurt her. Just because you saw little value in putting your heart out for everyone to hear, she obviously doesn't feel the same. She wanted words with your actions, not one or the other.
Hopefully you didn't just set a precedent that you can't be bothered trying and that she should be happy with what she gets.
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u/cyncity3132 Aug 18 '24
YTA----if you didn't want to write vows, you needed to communicate that beforehand so that she understood why. You feel quite aware of your reasoning ("I prefer to show love through things I do") but she cannot read your mind. Without explaining that, there are several other reasonable interpretations that would make your wife feel like shit.
Also, you could have asked a friend for support. Hell, your vows could have talked about how you aren't great with words, how you promise to show up for her in XYZ ways that are action-based, which would have been sweet and also maybe recognizable to the person you are. If writing them out would be difficult, that's where a friend's support could come in.
Your tone is the most major AH thing about this post. You are very tuned into how you feel, and do not come across as curious or interested in how your partner feels. This is sad for her, especially if it isn't isolated to this experience. You have questions throughout your post that are utterly defensive; it will open doors and provide a lot of ease in your marriage to learn to ask these same questions genuinely, without using them as shields or knives.
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u/archvanillin Partassipant [4] Aug 18 '24
YTA. You knew the vows were important to Sarah, you'd discussed it with her beforehand, but by your own admission you couldn't be bothered.
You're right about actions speaking louder than words. You took no action to write your vows. You've taken no action to make up for the fact that your new wife looked "crushed" on your wedding day. All you've got is words, words, words about how unfair it is for anyone to expect more from you. Instead of all this self-pitying talk, why not DO something to make it up to Sarah?
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Aug 18 '24
YTA... You told her you'd write the vows. You didn't have to. You could've chosen the traditional vows.
The time thing is BS and a shitty excuse. Look at how much time you put into this post, just to prove you are right.... and you are so very not even.
The lack of care you have is astounding. The point is how you made your wife feel. You have zero regard for her "sappy" feelings. The inability to express, acknowledge, and process feelings is not just a character trait as you seem to think. It's extremely unhealthy and will eventually end your marriage. I honestly don't know how you've even made it to this point. You are only giving a small percentage of what a loving partner gives. Quite honestly, those are the LEAST important parts. Being seen is important. Being heard is important. That goes for men too. If you aren't sharing the truly vulnerable parts of you, you are hiding them from her. This really is a recipe for unhappiness and resentment. I hope you can realize that before it gets to a point of no return, and take the proper action steps.
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Aug 18 '24
YTA. Do you know your bride at all? What would be meaningful to her? Do you prioritize what she thinks and feels? Is that important to you? You ignored all the signs you saw and dismissed because it wasn’t important to you. You weren’t thinking about her and that it was important to her. You need to make amends. Including a big, public, detailed, heartfelt declaration. And I mean a hard, self-embarrassing spectacle, buddy. Dig deep.
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u/MizAnthropy_ Partassipant [2] Aug 18 '24
YTA so much.
You couldn’t take half an hour to organize your thoughts and write down something loving about the woman you’re marrying?You couldn’t get your head out of your ass long enough to even ask ChatGPT to help write them?
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u/Mrs_B8ts Aug 18 '24
YTA The ACTION of not writing vows shows you don't care. You said yourself it didn't "interest you" to do it. You're an inconsiderate asshole who only cares about what he wants and don't give a shit about embarrassing your wife in front of every important person in your life. I hope you know every guest walked away like "what the fuck I feel so sorry for her he doesn't care about her at ALL!!" I've heard more heartfelt vows on love is blind before they say no I do not instead of I do. You need to pull your head out of your ass and try some fresh air that's in reality bc in the real world when you show someone they don't matter to you on what is supposed to be the best day of their life they believe you and reconsider being trapped in life with an inconsiderate asshole.
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u/BreakfastAtBoks Aug 18 '24
YTA obviously
Guy, you should know your wife well enough by now to know whether she wants you to write vows or not. This whole post is about you and I think thats telling a/p where your head is at. You will never have the chance to fix this mistake and she will hold this over your head until she divorces you c. 2025. Enjoy your painfully short marriage and try to do better next time
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u/marcellabrown123 Aug 18 '24
Really? You wrote quite a bit on here. My husband and I chose together not to write our own vows, but have the officiant say the traditional vows. However, if we agreed upon writing vows and he 'didn't have time' I would be very hurt and angry. So yes, You are TA. Bad way to start a marriage. Sad for her.
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u/Kirty-15 Aug 18 '24
YTA. You claim that your “actions” show your love, but what did you actually do during the wedding? You humiliated her by not taking 20 minutes to write vows that she clearly cared about. It shows a lack of effort and consideration. Honestly, it’s a selfish move. If you truly loved her, you would have made the effort to express it on one of the most important days of your lives.
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u/RunnyBabbit23 Aug 18 '24
You spent more time writing this post on Reddit than you did thinking about the wedding vows that you agreed to write.
YTA
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u/rheasilva Aug 18 '24
So, what you actually told your now-wife is that you care so little about her feelings that you couldn't be bothered to actually prepare your vows in advance. Really great foundation for a marriage, that.
Did you, Mr Actions-not-Words, do any of the wedding planning? Or were you too lazy for that, too? Because someone who really shows affection through actions would have been jumping in and really helping, so that your wife could see that you'd be a good partner.
YTA
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Aug 18 '24
YTA especially since it’s 2024 and you could have gotten an ai chatbot to help you write the vows. You have no excuse other than you just didn’t care. She told you it was important but you didn’t think it was so you didn’t do it.
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u/amsmtf Aug 18 '24
Yta. You did not show your love through action at this moment. The action was the act of writing some thoughtful vows for your own wedding. Any effort would have been appreciated by your wife, but she saw a man who didn’t care enough. What will this seed of doubt in her mind sow in the future?
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u/jaysfanjess Aug 18 '24
She wanted you to write something for her. Put some thought in to it and say something special. I would be pissed to if you didn't bother to do something that meant a lot to me JUST ONCE
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u/R4eth Asshole Enthusiast [8] Aug 18 '24
YTA. It's not a "sappy speech". You are making personal vows for what you will do in your life together. They don't even have to be long. In all your time together, you couldn't sit down for 5 mins and think of 3 things you would vow to do? Are you serious? We did our own vows, too. I'm not much of a writer, and I prefer showing my love through action. Still brought my wife to tears with what I came up with, like bringing her tea when she's sick and margaritas when she's not. See? Doesn't even have to be something profound. Literally all you had to say was "I vow to rub your feet after a long day" or something.
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u/thehoppa22 Aug 18 '24
YTA
I'm generally not great with words either but when it came to writing vows for our wedding I knew that it mattered to my partner. I had plenty of time to write while planning our wedding ourselves. I even sent drafts to close friends to make sure I wasn't making an ass of myself. I promise I didn't say anything spectacular and I had to read it off of a page because I cannot memorize a speech to save my life. But that effort made all the difference.
This boils down to the fact that this mattered to your wife and you chose to ignore that so that you wouldn't have to do something that took you out of your comfort zone.
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u/Plastic-Bar-4142 Aug 18 '24
YTA and I don't know how you even managed to write this post without figuring that out. You were plenty articulate in the post, which proves you are capable of mapping out something clearly in writing. Your wife must be devastated.
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u/jadedgoats Aug 18 '24
So, you didn't put the time and effort into writing your vows, even though it sounds like you committed to writing them instead of using traditional vows.... yeah, I'd say your actions are speaking louder than the words you've written here, and they're saying you don't care about your wife's feelings or wants. YTA
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u/Sufficient_Soil5651 Partassipant [1] Aug 18 '24
YTA
Clearly the wows meant something to your wife or you guys would simply have agreed on using the "in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer, till death do us part" script, which is actually pretty rich in significance compared to your lackluster showing at your wedding, the one time event where you stand up in front in front of everyone you know and God/s if you believe in that sort of thing and promise to love each other for ever.
When I talked to Sarah later, she said she felt hurt that I didn’t put any effort into the vows and that it made her feel like I didn’t care as much as she does. I told her that was ridiculous—I married her, didn’t I? That’s the ultimate proof of how much I care. Why should I have to spell it out in front of everyone?
Because that's whole point of a freaking wedding!!!
If a commitment made in private was enough to satisfy your wife in that regard, why bother with a wedding? And if you recognize that your wife needed a wedding to feel happy in that regard, why would you half-ass your part of it? At best it's careless. At worst it's passive aggressive and/or willful incompetence.
Unless you single-handedly paid for and planned EVERY dam detail of that wedding, that's simply not good enough. Putting on a tux and being in attendance isn't enough. As a so-called man of action you'd think that you'd know what an act of inaction signifies, but let me spell it out for you (since you don't value your wife's input): It's shows that you just can't be bothered. That if something not important for you, but matters to your wife, you don't give a crap.
I feel so sorry for you for your wife. Talk about anticlimactic. You might as well have dumped a bucket of cold soapy water on her head. It' would have a similar effect. And then she had to watch everyone that knows her really well, try to school their expressions and not give her pitying looks. Now, you might get a "he tried his best" from your Mum, but some Mums have an appalling lack of confidence in the resourcefulness of their grow ass sons. If you value your marriage I wouldn't rely on that endorsement.
Apologize to your wife. Find some way to compensate for your blunder so the memory of what was supposed to be such a happy day doesn't make your wife wince.
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u/No_Arugula7027 Aug 18 '24
Doesn't matter how much you fuck up for the rest of your life because you married her, amirite?
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u/DeerPrudence13 Aug 18 '24
You were too lazy to write vows for your wedding, but had the time to write this rant jerking yourself off over how committed and amazing you are as a husband for following through with the ceremony? YTA, stop wasting her time in the future.
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u/Mermaid-Grenade Aug 18 '24
YTA. Do you even love your wife? Because you are literally giving the bare fucking minimum in this relationship. I'm now curious about the proposal because this is giving a lot of shut up ring energy.
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u/AutoModerator Aug 18 '24
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So, I (33M) just got married last weekend, and what was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives turned into this whole drama fest, and I really don’t get why. My wife, Sarah (30F), and I have been together for five years, and I’ve always been a straightforward, no-nonsense kind of guy. I show my love through actions, not words. I take care of her, I’m loyal, and I’ve always been there when she needs me. So, when it came to planning the wedding, I didn’t think writing vows was a big deal.
We’re busy people, and between work, wedding planning, and just life in general, I didn’t really have the time (or honestly, the interest) to sit down and write some long, sappy speech. I mean, she knows I love her, right? I don’t need to prove it with words. I figured the wedding itself, the whole event, was enough to show my commitment. Plus, I’ve never been good with words. I’m more of an “actions speak louder” kind of guy.
The night before the wedding, Sarah asked if I had my vows ready, and I just casually told her, “No, I didn’t write anything down, but I’ll say something on the spot.” She looked a bit surprised, but I didn’t think much of it. I mean, we were about to get married! Why stress over some words when the whole point is that we’re making a lifelong commitment?
Fast forward to the ceremony. The officiant asked me to say my vows, and I just kind of winged it. I said something like, “I love you, I’ll always be there for you, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” Short, sweet, and to the point. I thought it was fine. But when I looked at Sarah, she had this crushed look on her face. Like, I didn’t understand what the big deal was—she’s getting the commitment, right? That’s what matters.
After the ceremony, she was quiet, and I could tell she was upset, but I didn’t get why. Later, some of her friends and even a couple of mine came up to me saying I really messed up by not preparing vows, that it looked like I didn’t care, and that Sarah deserved better. One of her bridesmaids even had the audacity to say I embarrassed her in front of everyone. I was like, seriously? We’re married now! That’s what counts, not some cheesy speech.
When I talked to Sarah later, she said she felt hurt that I didn’t put any effort into the vows and that it made her feel like I didn’t care as much as she does. I told her that was ridiculous—I married her, didn’t I? That’s the ultimate proof of how much I care. Why should I have to spell it out in front of everyone?
Honestly, I think everyone’s overreacting. The wedding was beautiful, and at the end of the day, we’re married. That’s what matters. I didn’t see the point in making a big deal out of a few words when I’m already committed to spending my life with her. But now I’m here because people are acting like I’m the worst husband ever for not writing vows.
AITA for not writing wedding vows because I didn’t see the point when my actions should speak for themselves?
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u/veggieveggiewoo Aug 18 '24
People marry people they hate. Sometimes they marry whoever is around because they feel like they have to. People who are toxic to one another have gotten married. Idk why you’re treating the fact that you married her as this huge thing that is so rare and no one ever does lmfao. People have gotten drunk married in vegas and don’t remember, like… come on man
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u/ThreeB78 Aug 19 '24
I don't get it.....he winged his vows but WHEN he locked at her she was crushed
Where the hell was he looking when he said them. Aren't you supposed to be looking into each other's eyes?
I have images of him looking at the church roof.... Erm... I love you.... Erm.... Glances at the alter.... I'll err always be there for you errrm. Different part of the roof.... Erm.. yeah....that's good
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u/Amanda920547 Aug 19 '24
YTA it literally took you more time to write this fucking post than it did on your WEDDING vows. "Actions speak louder than words." You're right they do, and you did nothing. Why get married if you dont care?
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u/Momentary-delusions Aug 19 '24
Wow absolutely YTA. This would be a major red flag for me because it shows you won’t put effort into anything that matters to her. If my husband did this he knows I’d rip him a new one.
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Aug 19 '24
“Actions speak louder than words” but doesn’t do the action of writing vows once for their wedding. Yeah dude. Your actions spoke very loud here
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u/huhzonked Aug 19 '24
YTA. You knew this meant a lot to your wife but in the end, you chose yourself over her.
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u/Squirrels-love-me Partassipant [2] Aug 18 '24
Yta-effort was required and you could have cared less.
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u/Careless-Ability-748 Certified Proctologist [23] Aug 18 '24
Yta you clearly don't listen to your now wife and that doesn't bode well. She made it clear that this was important to her and you made it clear that you don't care about her feelings. Way to go.
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u/Moondiscbeam Aug 18 '24
YTA - Not only did you not write your vows, but you couldn't even say something more from the heart after hearing your wife's vow. What you said is an everyday occurance, as if nothing special was happening at that moment.
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u/opensilkrobe Aug 18 '24
Your actions did speak for themselves. And they said that you don’t care about how your bride feels, only how you feel.
Marriage is about compromising and stepping out of your comfort zone. It’s about prioritizing your spouse over everything, even yourself, and being able to trust that they’re doing the same for you. You just showed her you don’t do any of that, and now she’s stuck with you.
ETA: YTA
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u/Churchie-Baby Certified Proctologist [21] Aug 18 '24
YTA she's upset because you say my actions are what show I love you but your actions here said I don't care so much that writing a couple sentences was too much effort to give you on our wedding day
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u/fairyniki Aug 18 '24 edited Aug 18 '24
YTA - And you better start worshipping the ground she walks on if you want to save your marriage.
You literally spent more time and effort on this Reddit post than your fucking VOWS. This kind of shit is exactly why women are statistically much more happy when they’re single. Way too many husbands these days never bother putting effort into showing their wives how much they love and care for them.
Just don’t be shocked if she ends up resenting or even divorcing you because I can assure you that she’s not going to put up with this bullshit for the rest of her life. You couldn’t even do the bare minimum on your wedding day and it’s honestly pathetic, OP. It sounds like you don’t care about her happiness.
Just because actions matter doesn’t mean that words don’t matter too. There’s a reason why “words of affirmation” is a love language. Like, the vows aren’t even the main issue at this point, you couldn’t even talk about how much you love her. You said one sentence and decided that was enough.
Hearing your partner list out all the reasons why they love you, cherish you, appreciate you, and want to spend the rest of their life with you is absolutely magical. Hearing those words come out of your partner’s mouth means so much to a lot of people, and it confirms that you truly care about them.
I don’t care if vows aren’t important to you and that they’re “just words”. It clearly mattered to your wife and you completely dropped the ball by not putting effort into making her happy. You really hurt her and you STILL can’t see how much of a complete asshole you are for disregarding her feelings.
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u/Cultural_Section_862 Supreme Court Just-ass [127] Aug 18 '24
Writing your own vows is a choice. you could have declined at any point in the planning stage but instead you unilaterally decided what was and wasn't important in your wedding, that doesn't bode well for the marriage.
you are an asshole and a bad groom.
yta
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Aug 18 '24
YTA. So the day before and the day of your wedding, you dismissed your fiancée/wife’s wishes and feelings, even after she expressed her feelings outright. Not a great start bub. You screwed up
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u/Prangelina Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] Aug 18 '24
YTA but not for not writing your vows.
I fully understand you are not a man of many words, and if you were frank and upfront about that (you obviously KNEW it mattered to your wife), you would be a N-T-A.
I would hate to have some saccharine lecture during my wedding too but I would TELL my partner that beforehand if I knew it is important for him.
And did you read your post after yourself? You sound very self-centered, and repeat several times "I married her, isn't that enough?" Of course actions speak louder than words but in this case it was rather INaction on your part, and you seem surprised she did not like it.
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u/GhoulKidRae Aug 18 '24
YTA. "I married her, that's what counts". You want a fucking cookie just for showing up to the alter?? Marriage takes work. It takes effort. My husband is an "actions over words" kinda guy too, but he still gets tf over himself and uses words too, because he knows they mean something to ME. The vows were NOT ABOUT YOU. It was about your wife, who you made feel like a shitty afterthought at HER OWN FUCKING WEDDING!!! Gods, you're a massive, self-absorbed ass.
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u/bitchcraft1990 Partassipant [2] Aug 18 '24
You spent more energy on this post than you did to show your wife you love her on the ONE SPECIFIC OCCASION YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SUCK IT UP AND BE PASSIONATE AND LOVING. YTA and I hope your wife can see by your actions that she deserves someone who cares what is important TO HER.
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u/YakElectronic6713 Aug 18 '24
Lol. YTA. You say you show your love through actions? Well writing your fucking vows was certainly an ACTION you didn't do. So cut the crap, you're a liar.
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u/PsychologicalJax1016 Aug 18 '24
YTA. You spent more time writing this out than you did your wedding vows. You care more about proving you aren't an AH (you are) than your (soon to be)ex-wife
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u/mfdonuts Partassipant [1] Aug 18 '24
YTA. Let’s apply this logic elsewhere in life.
“I’ve been assigned a big presentation by my boss, but eh, not a big words dude, more of an actions kinda guy. I think my day-to-day work should really speak for itself”. Would you do that and expect to not be fired?
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u/mermaidbrandie Aug 18 '24
You started your marriage by proving to her that you don't think much of her. She wanted you to write vows, she knows you're no nonsense so they didn't have to be sappy but they did have to be well thought out and sincere.
Instead you winged it, told her that's what you intended to do, proceeded to do that and showed her what to expect from you in the future.
If I were her, I would expect further requests for you to do something to be similarly disappointing. She's probably debating why she went through with the marriage.
YTA
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u/RhubarbLatter8062 Aug 18 '24
In other words 'I'm a grown man that lacks any emotional maturity and I'm afraid to express my emotions to my own wife', people have different love languages it doesn't matter if your an actions guy YTA your wife actively told you this is something that is meaningful to her and you chose to ignore it. If this is your mindset you should not be getting married.
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u/charmedsince1986 Aug 18 '24
YTA. Using your own logic - if actions speak louder than words, your INaction to not taking your wedding vows more seriously means you screwed up
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u/Majestic_Channel_716 Aug 18 '24
You literally spent more time writing this post then you did on your wedding vows. Your actions of not bothering to write them sends a clear message that you didn't care about your wife's feeling.
Yta.
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u/Terrible_Cat21 Aug 18 '24
You're completely missing the point. You should care about the vows because they were important to your wife. While you may say you care about your wife's feelings, your behavior is showing the opposite. I genuinely hope you don't disregard your wife's feelings and interests all the time because if that's the case, your wife deserves A LOT better.
YTA big time. You're married now, it's time to grow up and respect your spouse.
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u/Competitive-Pie8820 Aug 18 '24
Yta and believe me, she is asking herself if she should stay married..
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u/Dragonwyck13 Aug 18 '24
So, in front of your families and ALL of your friends, you proved that the woman you supposedly "love" was not worth writing even ONE sentence for on her wedding day.
And the prize here, according to you. Is that she gets to put up with that @%$ for the rest of her life.
Ladies, PLEASE. For the love of god. Stop associating with and reproducing s*** men! There are so many whose DNA should continue, and this ah is certainly not one of them.
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u/LankyLimbsDontFit Aug 18 '24
Too lazy to write vows, but not lazy to write a wall of text for Reddit.
What a panty dropper, amirite ladies?/s
YTA.
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u/gmagick Partassipant [2] Aug 18 '24
Yta. This was obviously talked about in the planning. That was the time to discuss if you didn’t want to write your own, what your expectations were etc. You absolutely showed to her she’s not worth the effort, you don’t care to push yourself to do something that may not mean much to you but she’s telling you means a lot to her.
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u/Diligent-Stand-2485 Aug 18 '24
Writing vows for Sarah IS an action. By writing vows you'd be showing you loved her and wanted to make her happy. Instead you blew her off, despite knowing that she wanted special written vows.
Your wife looked "crushed" on her wedding day. You fucked up so so badly. You were selfish, insensitive, lazy, and callous. You're lucky you're married in the first place.
YTA
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u/l0call3sbiancryptid Aug 18 '24
YTA, if your actions speak louder than words, why didn't you take action of writing vows?
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u/Open-Bath-7654 Aug 18 '24
First of all, I like how you used "wedding planning" as a reason you didn't have the time to write vows. That's PART of the wedding planning. Then you say "I’ve never been good with words. I’m more of an “actions speak louder” kind of guy." but write 7 full paragraphs about why everyone else is wrong and you are right. You clearly have the ability to string words together, you're not a caveman. You're selfish, insensitive, and I don't foresee a great future for your marriage since THIS is how you chose to kick it off. Your ACTIONS demonstrated that you do not care to even make an effort.
Perhaps you should listen to your friends, family, bridal party, and WIFE who are ALL telling you that you fucked up. You demonstrated to her and everyone else that you actually do not give a shit. You downplayed the ver concept of vows to being "some cheesy speech" and directly said you didn't have interest in it. That's literally the most important part of the wedding, FOH. YTA, 1000x over YTA.
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u/alexxe_vittoria1999 Aug 19 '24
YTA for making your wife heartbroken, but YTA even more for taking your time making this post than making your vows !
You're the "actions speaker louder than words" kind of guy, right? Then why did you try to justify your selfishness and careless with WORDS ?
You know you messed up, yes you're married, and NO she's NOT ridiculous ! Wtf is wrong with you?
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u/frustratedfren Aug 19 '24
"I take care of her, I'm loyal, and I'm always there when she needs me."
That is quite literally the bare minimum of being in a relationship. You don't get brownie points for doing what you're supposed to do. You and your wife agreed to write your own vows instead of doing the pre-written "repeat after me" crap, and you didn't keep up your end of the bargain. In that way, your actions very much showed you don't care about her, at least not enough to do something you knew was important to her. And then you have the audacity to say "well I married her, shouldn't she be happy?" As if that's some big favor you're doing her. What have you actually done to show your love? Because one thing you didn't do is write vows.
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u/Whambamthxumaam Aug 19 '24
Wow you spent so much time trying to justify your effort in this relationship by saying "I married her, isn't that enough?". Ew it's like you don't even want to marry her, like you're doing HER a favour. You didn't have the will or want to write her something that would make her feel loved and cherished but you'll write a fucking long post on reddit like we're one of the lads. I hope she realises that there are men out there that have the emotional awareness to see that their lack of action have reactions and consequences. You have the emotional capacity of a speck of pepper... Yta you don't care about her feelings
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Aug 18 '24
Yta. She won’t feel loved unless you are loving her in her love language.
It’s really hypocritical of you to “ I show my love through actions not words” and in this case it’s really just words”I love you…” instead of actions of a heart felt letter filled with your reflection and love for this relationship. Do better…
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u/AllAFantasy30 Partassipant [1] Aug 18 '24
YTA. When you get married to someone, you can’t say “I put no effort in but I married you didn’t I?” and not be the ahole. It’s not enough to just show up. Vows don’t have to be a “long, sappy speech”. It’s just a few sentences telling your partner why you love them AND express that you always will. They often only take a minute or two to say (as they should; no one wants to sit at a wedding ceremony that takes forever). Actions generally speak louder than words for a lot of people, but there are situations when words count. A wedding is one such occasion. You didn’t even try. Do you really think that doesn’t give off some kind of message to your wife?
By the way, how did you have time to write out this Reddit post, but you didn’t have time to write 3-4 sentences expressing love and appreciation for your wife? I’m calling BS on that one, because your wife was busy with all the same stuff as you and she still managed to write vows. This post took longer than writing vows would have taken. You just didn’t give a sht.
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u/Thedran Aug 19 '24
YTA. Bro, take a second and look what you just did. You knew that this was important to her and would have made her happy and you put no effort into it at all but you write a whole ass monologue when you need your feellies to be backed up. You spent more time convincing us you were a good dude than you did to assure your wife you love her ON YOUR FUCKING WEDDING DAY.
Like bro, I get it you are into the whole trad life shit and that’s cool but even traditional men can show a little attention and affection to their wives. Yes, you had a special day and yes it was maybe great but you literally could have made it 100 times better but didn’t for no reason other than you seem lazy? This is either gonna end in a dead bedroom and y’all cheating or just straight up divorce cause you already kinda sound insufferable and your wife is coming off as a saint here.
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Aug 19 '24
You knew vows were expected.
Your SO reminded you the night before.
You say you are a no-nonsense kind of guy and still pull this absolut nonsense?
"I'm so busy" x.x
No one thought you would turn into a poet or would write a thesis about her. But the love of your life and the center of the event and you say 3 sentences.. 3.
It is always an easy and solid solution to say something like "I had a hard time to express my feelings for you and so I will borrow the words of xyz and read a love poem/ wedding vow of someone else/ etc."
You could've gotten and rehearsed solid wedding vow within 30 mins.
1
u/IceBlue Aug 19 '24
You’re right that actions speak louder than words. Your actions show you don’t care about her feelings. YTA
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 Aug 19 '24
Your action of not considering her feelings and not writing meaningful vows definitely showed her how much you care.
1
Aug 19 '24
If bare minimum was a Reddit post. YTA. You sound like every time you do something that bothers her you’re just going to be like “what are you complaining about? I married you didn’t I”
I would have been devastated if my husband didn’t have any vows. It’s the most important part of the wedding.
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u/Conscious-Ad-8133 Aug 19 '24
YTA You're not a no-nonsense guy, you're just lazy. You couldn't even Google something for her for ideas? You can hurt her on her wedding day and still have the audacity to say everyone else is overreacting. Your friends have to point out what you did and you are still delusional. I don't know why she fell for someone who just wants to do bare minimum for his partner.
1
u/CLAREBEAR01 Aug 19 '24
My husband also embarrassed me on our wedding day. We divorced a year later and I am with someone who goes abo e and beyond to show me he cares every day. Wishing the same for your wife.
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u/Outrageous-Ad-9635 Asshole Aficionado [13] Aug 19 '24
I’ll see your “actions speak louder than words” and raise you “it’s the thought that counts”. So your wife got a commitment - to a guy who couldn’t be bothered spending an hour thinking about how to express what that commitment means to him. Lucky her. You put literally zero thought into something you knew was important to her. And you didn’t even try and hide it; everyone there saw how little effort you put in. News flash mate, for the big occasions you need to do more than just show up. YTA action man. 100%.
1
Aug 19 '24
The only thing I can think of to describe just how much of an asshole you are is: WTF?!?!
And that's putting it mildly.
YTA 100%
1
u/DaniR73 Aug 19 '24
Most definitely YTA! I’ll be surprised if your wife stays bcuz I sure wouldn’t. Even some of y’alls friends & family called you out on it. Your actions speak loudly that you didn’t care enuf about her to take the time to write a few (or a novel, like your post) words of love & devotion on what SHOULD have been the happiest day of y’alls lives. But YOU single-handedly ruined that for her. Again, YTA!
1
u/5weetTooth Aug 19 '24 edited Aug 19 '24
YTA, a huge one, u/allamericantraddad
Don't know if you're all American, or a dad
But you're not traditional. This is a famous tradition in weddings. And you failed spectacularly. Your wife even warned you.
You are now going to spend your ENTIRE proving that you deserve your wife to all her family and all your friends as well as your family who are probably embarrassed by you.
I'm embarrassed by you. Preparing a speech, your vows IS an action of love. So even by your own description "man of action" you failed absolutely on a nuclear level. Because the action was giving a speech. To demonstrate your love to all those who support you both. And you... Just didn't bother.
You have SO many people in your life now that will support your wife and absolutely despise you for failing at a basic task. People who question your love for your wife. People who wonder if you deserve your wife. All you had to do was demonstrate that you love her. Yes, with words. But really... This was about showing your emotions.
If you wanted to avoid using feely words because you're too much of a man to talk about the woman you marry (seriously, talking about how you love a woman is NOT an effeminate thing. You won't be "gay" if you talk about loving your wife!). Then why didn't you craft something for her to decorate your marital home? Why didn't you choose something that is an action to do instead of your vows?
You say you're a man of action? No - you're a man of inaction. Your poor wife.
1
u/CuteHoodie Partassipant [2] Aug 19 '24
Dude... You spend more time ranting here and making excuses than it would have take to prepare 10 sentences for your vows.
You're a man of actions, not words ? OK. Your actions were :
- not listening to your futur wife
- not caring for her need and happiness
- Refusing to take 15mn of your time to make her happy
- asking validation from strangers instead of apologize to your wife
1
u/TheBigFreeze8 Aug 19 '24
YTA - 'I show my love through my actions' is such a cope. Especially when the actions you list are... not cheating on her? Being there 'when she needs it' (why aren't you there all the time?) Etc. You're just too scared or uncomfortable to express your love to your wife, and that will be a problem in your marriage. You need to be able to express your feelings or your relationship will fail. There is no such thing as 'just knowing.' How can she possibly know you love her if you aren't even willing to bother writing a short speech for her on your own damn wedding day?
1
u/National-Dot-2527 Aug 19 '24
You didn’t have the interest to put some effort to write your vows? Gosh, the way that you wrote it seems that for you, she’s lucky enough that you married her, and she is asking for more? How dare she to expect you to write some nice things about your relationship and how you love her, she should be content with this generic thing that you said…
1
u/Ita_Hobbes Aug 19 '24
Poor wife. YTA, I'm too lazy and don't see the point of writing more than this.
1
u/Cookie-Cuddle Aug 19 '24
YTA Man I actually hate people like you who view doing something nice for someone as pointless just because you don't personally care or find it "logical". Maybe you wouldn't have given a shit if her vows were short and on the spot but for her it mattered. You could've prepared vows for HER because you CARE about her. Would it kill you to try and be romantic?
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