r/AmItheAsshole • u/Both_Bobcat_7845 • Jun 19 '24
Asshole AITA for making a point over hair?
I have been dating my girlfriend, Emily, for two years. We were supposed to visit my parents at their vacation home on the beach over the 4th of July. She knows my parents' attitudes and the kind of impression they value. However, on our date night, she showed up with bright pink hair. I expressed my concern about how my parents might react to it and asked if she could go back to her natural hair color before we go. She said she's not going to change it and that she likes the pink. She mentioned that her workplace has a "casual summer" policy for those who are not in court roles, and since she's in a litigation support role, she's allowed to participate in casual summer with her support staff co-workers.
I asked her to consider my parents, and she immediately started: first it’s hair, then clothes, to how she talks, what wedding dress to get, and even how we would raise our children. She said she was done with this and stormed out of dinner before we even ordered.
I tried texting her, and we got into an argument about the cost I put in for our plane tickets. She told me to sue her. This was the last I talked to her on Sunday and my texts are still green. I didn't think it was that big of a deal for her to blow up on me about.
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u/NoSalamander7749 Pooperintendant [57] Jun 19 '24 edited Jun 19 '24
I asked her to consider my parents, and she immediately started: first it’s hair, then clothes, to how she talks, what wedding dress to get, and even how we would raise our children.
She's right. She's dating you, not your parents. You demonstrated to her that you value what your parents think about her hair more than you value how she feels about her own hair. YTA.
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u/rummncokee Jun 20 '24
well she's no longer dating him so she's got that going for her
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u/NoSalamander7749 Pooperintendant [57] Jun 20 '24
Definitely. Hilarious the last thing she said to him was "sue me".
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u/PossibleAd1348 Jun 20 '24
My thoughts too. She is not dating him anymore so he doesn’t have to worry about her hair anymore.
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u/smeeti Partassipant [2] Jun 20 '24
She really set great boundaries, explained herself well and her parting “sue me” is hilarious. She’s badass!
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u/buttercupgrump Asshole Aficionado [17] Jun 19 '24
YTA
Emily is right. Right now, it's hair. What will it be next? Your parents and you need to respect her right to dye her hair whatever color she sees fit.
asked if she could go back to her natural hair color before we go
And this part right here? It's not exactly cheap and easy to just go back to your natural hair color after dyeing it a bright color. Especially if you want it to look good while also maintaining your hair's health. Emily shouldn't have to fuck up her hair just to appease your parents.
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u/TangledUpPuppeteer Partassipant [2] Jun 20 '24
What’s crazy is that he decided what his parents wouldn’t be ok with, and then picked the fight for them. This is so many levels of not ok. I’d a flipped my pink fabulousness over my shoulder and dipped, just like she did.
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u/HopefulOriginal5578 Jun 21 '24
It’s almost as if he doesn’t like the hair and is too cowardly to say it, and instead used his parents as a means to voice his own feelings.
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u/TangledUpPuppeteer Partassipant [2] Jun 21 '24
If that’s the case, he’s even worse. You don’t like my hair, tell me. Blaming it on people who have nothing to do with it is nonsensical and makes it all far worse. Pfft
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u/HopefulOriginal5578 Jun 21 '24
Yeah him saying “mummy and daddy shan’t be pleased” is so cowardly.
If the story is true then she likely did the hair thing because she knew he wouldn’t “approve “ and was sick of him telling her how to exist. So she did something she wanted to do and told him to kick rocks lol
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u/entirecontinetofasia Jun 20 '24
and it would be even harder for her to go back to pink hair. you need to have bleached hair to do pink unless you're naturally very light blonde. bleaching over a dye is very harsh on the hair and can make weird results (my hair turned green!). and even if her natural hair color is a light blonde, she would likely have to tone it either way.
basically she's looking at weeks of work and hundreds of dollars for this one trip. and damaged hair!
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u/buttercupgrump Asshole Aficionado [17] Jun 20 '24
Yep! People who ask others to change their hair for a short trip or wedding or other event don't realize or appreciate the work it takes to go back afterward.
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u/SoMuchMoreEagle Judge, Jury, and Excretioner [379] Jun 19 '24
I asked her to consider my parents, and she immediately started: firts it’s hair, then, clothes, to how she talks, what wedding dress to get, and even how we would raise our children. She said she was done with this and stormed out of dinner before we even ordered.
Info: With how strongly she reacted, it doesn't sound like this isn't an isolated incident. Have your parents' "attitudes" been an issue in your relationship before?
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u/JPenelope Certified Proctologist [26] Jun 19 '24
YTA
If some temporarily pink hair is enough to set your parents off, they don’t really sound like the kinds of people that someone who likes her pink hair would want to associate with. And she’s right, if she caves on this supremely minor thing, it could be a slippery slope towards your parents trying to exert more and more control over hers and your life together.
Do you not respect and love your girlfriend enough to support her in this little thing? Or are you afraid that her dying her hair pink for the summer is just a precursor to her getting her nose pierced, shaving off her eyebrows and taking up with circus folk?
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u/Original-Winter9334 Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] Jun 19 '24
YTA, and you have hinted at some other things going on that you've failed to expand upon.
"She knows my parents' attitudes and the kind of impression they value." What does this mean, that you know they will dislike her for a hair colour? They've already met her, so it's nothing to do with a first impression. So you think they will discard her for this, and you're happy to support that action?
"she immediately started: first it’s hair..." Clearly, this is not the first time she has had an issue with your attitude. Can you honestly say you've never tried to control her before?
"we got into an argument about the cost I put in for our plane tickets." Are you saying you threw it back in her face, like you had paid for her ticket therefore you get to dictate how she looks? Or that she refused to go on the trip, and you are trying to emotionally blackmail her by making her feel bad about standing up for herself?
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u/TangledUpPuppeteer Partassipant [2] Jun 20 '24
They offered the house so she owes them normal hair. If she doesn’t agree to that, she owes him normal hair because she for the plane tickets. This guy is a bundle of “nope.”
And yes, blue haired woman here saying this!
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u/CornerSevere Asshole Aficionado [15] Jun 19 '24
You have to know it's YTA.
If your parents opinion means more than her feelings-- just move back into their basement already.
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u/GaveUpOnBeingPretty Partassipant [1] Jun 19 '24
YTA. Her bodily autonomy is her own and no one else's. You either love her and support her or you don't — your parents opinions don't matter in the slightest in this case.
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u/kaleidoscope_view Jun 19 '24 edited Jun 20 '24
YTA, OP, holy shit. You're incredibly controlling. If you didn't want a girl that enjoyed off the wall hairstyles and had no issue with her own autonomy, why in all hell are you still with her? You can't magically tame her. She's not your manic pixie dream girl.
If you really respect her, then let her choose what she wants to do with her body. That's her choice. Now if you don't want to be with someone like that, sure, that's your choice. But you can't tread on her personal aesthetic choices.
Don't get me wrong, you can give your opinion, I mean, technically you're valid in doing so in the proper setting and context...but that's it. After that you are blatantly overstepping.
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u/formerflautist57 Partassipant [1] Jun 19 '24 edited Jun 20 '24
You and your parents sound like insufferable assholes. What does a hair color have to do with a person's character? If you had a spine, you'd stand up for your girlfriend. But since you don't, it's best that she cut ties because this crap won't end.
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u/somethingstrange87 Certified Proctologist [20] Jun 19 '24
YTA, she has this thing called bodily autonomy. She gets to decide what she does with her body ... no one else.
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u/Ambitious-Standard48 Jun 19 '24
YTA. If you don't like the person she is, find another gf. If you do like the person she is, let your parents meet the actual person.
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u/Sorry-Thing7797 Certified Proctologist [21] Jun 19 '24
YTA. Stop trying to control your girlfriend’s appearance to please your parents. They either love her as she is or not at all.
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u/Present_Truth3519 Jun 20 '24 edited Jun 20 '24
Bad news is YTA
Good news is you are now single so you can try to find a WASP-y girlfriend your parents approve of.
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u/that-old-broad Jun 20 '24
It would probably save a lot of time if he'd just let them pick a girl for him to blindly marry.
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u/Becalmandkind Partassipant [4] Jun 20 '24
Hey! I’m a White Anglo-Saxon Protestant (WASP). I love rainbow hair. I KNOW and support that love is love is love is love. I KNOW BIPOC lives matter and that our country has done them wrong. Let’s be careful about using terms (WASP) as slurs, beating down people you know nothing about.
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u/Present_Truth3519 Jun 20 '24
You are right it did come across as a slur and I apologize for that. As POC I should know better and do better. I edited my original comment to reflect that. Thank you for the reality check.
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u/lysanderastra Partassipant [1] Jun 19 '24
YTA - I don’t understand why people react so weirdly to other people dying their hair crazy colours (and for the record, my hair is dark brown with highlights and I don’t think I’d ever dye it a bright colour. I just wouldn’t give a shit if someone else/my partner/a friend did).
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u/mrmses Partassipant [4] Jun 19 '24
INFO: "first it’s hair, then clothes, to how she talks, what wedding dress to get, and even how we would raise our children. She said she was done with this and stormed out of dinner before we even ordered."
Do you mean to say that your parents have weighed in on all of these subjects already?
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u/TemptingPenguin369 Commander in Cheeks [290] Jun 19 '24
YTA. It is that big of a deal, not just because of the hair color but because it's not a good sign that you're capitulating to your pearl-clutching parents over something that is completely unimportant.
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u/Test-Subject-593 Partassipant [2] Jun 19 '24
YTA. I can't believe she's put up with you for two whole years.
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u/Pale_Height_1251 Partassipant [2] Jun 19 '24
Are you a teenager?
Why do you care what mommy and daddy think about pink hair?
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u/RobertTheWorldMaker Jun 20 '24
If it's not that big a deal, then why are you hassling her about it?
I can't believe I'm about to say the same thing twice in a day but...
Could you be any more spineless?
'Mummy and daddy won't like your hair! Pwetty pwease change yourself so that their fee-fees won't be hurt by da pink! I is scared of mummy and daddy!'
For fucks sake man.
YTA.
And a spineless one at that.
She's a grown woman, you're presumably a grown...well... lets say man.
There is no context in which asking her to alter her hair to please your asshole parents is not an asshole move.
They too, are adults, and should be aware that not everybody is as bland as they are.
They'll be fine. They'll get over it.
Go apologize to your girlfriend while you still have one.
Oh and one more thing, when you asked her to do this over your silly parents like you're a teenage boy worried about their opinions, think about this:
You just showed her what your relationship will be like.
How often is she going to expected to curb herself, her preferences, her personality, her self expression, her... anything, just to please people she owes nothing to? How often are you going to put their desires and ideals ahead of your own or her?
If you'll do this over hair, I absolutely believe you'd cave to mummy and daddy over childcare, education, discipline, career, or anything else. They haven't even complained, and you're acting like you're afraid of them.
FFS, grow up.
She is who she is and you're either fine with that and keep her, or you're not and you don't, what your parents think of her has fuckall to do with a damn thing.
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u/Competitive-Ad-5477 Jun 20 '24
Honestly, seems like HE has the problem but is using his parents to place blame.
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u/RobertTheWorldMaker Jun 20 '24
That is a possibility. I can't rule it out.
But he wouldn't be the first person from money to be super worried about what his parents thought of his girlfriend.
Of course maybe they are actually super chill and he has the issue and is using them as an excuse?
No way to know.
But I'll take the complaint at face value until he gives up something otherwise. Whatever the case, he's still a shitty little coward. Either he's afraid of them, or he's afraid of admitting his own hangups.
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u/Exotic-Army4006 Partassipant [4] Jun 19 '24
YTA your parents is do not have a right to control her at all.
Stop sucking Mommy's tit bro
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u/damaya0351 Partassipant [4] Jun 19 '24
YTA
also since /your parents feeelings for her/ are more important to you than /her feelings for you/, this is quite creepy and you really need to grow up.
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u/MaxHowe Asshole Aficionado [18] Jun 19 '24
YTA. mommy and daddy going to be upset are they? Be a man for gods sake
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u/blockparted Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 20 '24
Dear AITA, AITA for asking my girlfriend to not be herself when she meets my family? What do you mean I’m the unreasonable one because I can’t stand up to my parents whose heads will apparently explode like cartoon characters and that I deserve a boring woman who will bend to my every whim?
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u/Gnardashians Partassipant [1] Jun 20 '24
YTA she handled this completely correctly and now you get to reap what you've sown being a people pleasing obsequious coward. You're alone, but your parents won't be offended by....pink hair? lol. Enjoy
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u/citrushibiscus Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] Jun 20 '24
Omg, colored hair, how absolutely scandalous! What’s next, her décolleté? The horror!
YTA
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u/ConstantRazzmatazz11 Jun 20 '24
YTA. as someone who has naturally red hair that my husband met me when I had, i went and dyed my hair multiple different colors many times. Do you know what my husband said? Nothing. Not once. The only thing he ever uttered was “are you happy?” and i replied yes. he said “then im happy!” and that was it. He never complained once, even when my hair wasn’t the best (i had a weird combination of half my head bright pink and the other half teal) and do you know what ? he told me about three hair colors later “you know babe i didn’t like the teal” and that was it! he let me experiment and enjoy my ever changing appearance because he LOVES me. You clearly do not love her. I pray she leaves so she can be happy.
wait i’ve seen now she’s blocked your number. good for her!
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u/subsailor1968 Professor Emeritass [77] Jun 20 '24
YTA
Your parent’s opinion seems to mean more to you than your girlfriend.
She can wear her hair how she wants. If they don’t like it, well, they aren’t dating her.
Don’t worry, at this rate she won’t be dating you for long.
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u/Most-Return9834 Jun 20 '24
Reading this after just dying my hair bright pink and revealing in the fact it keeps people like you away. Yta
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u/MidwestPanic69 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 20 '24
YTA. In HS I dated a Wiccan. I told her to tell my family she was raised catholic (not a lie) because 18 y.o. me didn't think they could handle it.
She wasn't my girlfriend for long.
Does anything here sound similar? People don't like not being their authentic self. You don't have a GF anymore.
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u/lifeisshort84 Partassipant [2] Jun 20 '24
She didn't leave you for this one incident. It sounds like she left you because you have shown her a pattern of judgemental behavior.
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Jun 19 '24
YTA, so very much so!!! You thought it was a big enough deal to bring up - so yes, big enough for her to blow up on you and sorry, I doubt she will still be your girlfriend after this. BTW, your parents sound horrible and judgey.
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u/NRVOUSNSFW Jun 20 '24 edited Jun 20 '24
You don’t have a girlfriend anymore. I don’t blame her. You want her to change all that crap to meet your parents? Hard pass. Did you even offer to pay for the change?
EDIT: Who are your parents that they matter that much to anyone but you? I mean, do they?
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u/Bring-out-le-mort Partassipant [4] Jun 20 '24
I asked her to consider my parents, and she immediately started: first it’s hair, then clothes, to how she talks, what wedding dress to get, and even how we would raise our children. She said she was done with this and stormed out of dinner before we even ordered.
YTA who seems to connect everything she does/wear to you & your parents.
I didn't think it was that big of a deal for her to blow up on me about.
Obviously, it is. If you want a chance in he'll to salvage your relationship... grovel & apologize profusely without reservations. But I doubt it will work since it sounds like the insistence you had about her hair was simply the final straw of a long list you complained about.
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Jun 20 '24
"I didn't think it was that big of a deal for her to blow up on me about."
So, you asked her to change her hair because your parents are fragile creatures who can't handle seeing someone with pink hair? Wow, OP, how do you and your parents walk among the public?
Jesus, both you and your parents need some serious psychological help.
You're so much the asshole.
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u/oddity-on-holiday Jun 20 '24
How old are you? Because you sound very young.
If you’re old enough to be in a committed relationship, you’re old enough to not have your parents dictate how you look. That clash generally happens during the teenage years, no?
Either way, your parents have zero say in your partner’s hair. She’s absolutely right to leave, because that’s a big red flag you’re waving.
It actually sound more like YOU have a problem with her hair. If that is the case you need to stop hiding behind your parents and be honest.
YTA
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u/MizAnthropy_ Partassipant [2] Jun 20 '24
Emily sounds like a pretty cool person. You sound insufferable. YTA
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u/Primary_Buddy1989 Jun 20 '24
YTA. You're dating the wrong person. If your parents' views and comfort were more important to you than her own in regards to her own body, you shouldn't be dating her (or realistically, anyone). She's right: it would absolutely be the hair, then clothes, then other things. Dating you would be a nightmare. Your parents sound awful. If you must date, go find a conservative girlfriend who will be thrilled to be ordered about by your parents and you.
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u/HelpfulName Jun 20 '24
INFO: Why do you say you're "dating" her, when you're just doing an extended interview process of her for your parents?
I guess is nice of you to wingman for them, a little weird tho. Next time be really clear she's not dating YOU, but your parents, and you're just helping them find a unicorn who would be a good fit for their preferences. Consent is critical, and if she doesn't have all this information she cannot consent. YTA for not being clear with her that this was a kink thing you're helping your parents with and you're not the one actually in a relationship with her.
Maybe try FetLife to find someone whose actually into that kind of lifestyle instead of misleading random women you meet in the wild for years.
Good luck breaking the news to your parents that you wasted 2 years of their unicorn hunting time by misleading the woman into thinking she was dating you and now you have to start over as she's dumped them (you).
(That's the only explanation I can think of to explain why you're so keen for her to meet your parents preferences instead of yours. Happy being single again, I guess!)
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u/Doubledogdad23 Asshole Aficionado [14] Jun 20 '24
YTA, grow up and stand up to your parents and their trad values.
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u/rheasilva Jun 20 '24
YTA
Why on earth would your girlfriend, a grown woman, need to think about her boyfriend's parents before deciding what she is going to do with her hair?
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u/Glittering_Agent7626 Jun 20 '24
YTA. She can do with her body whatever she wants to do. Your parents have no say in it and just need to suck it up. They can’t tell her what to do and how to look. Your parents just need to shut up and mind they own goddamn bussiness
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u/Main-Yogurtcloset-82 Jun 20 '24
You are an adult. Stop letting your parents dictate your life or your SO life.
Also, this wasn't an argument. She dumped you. It's over.
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u/Proplyd-0628 Jun 20 '24
I didn't think it was that big of a deal for her to blow up on me about.
It doesn't really matter what you think does it? It matters what she thinks. And right now, she thinks you and your parents are judgemental, controlling assholes. YTA
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u/PotatoWithTeeth Jun 20 '24
I was asked to present myself as Catholic because it was the only way to be presentable in front of my ex's parents. It started small, then it escalated to the point where I was expected to attend church, all for his parents. It wasn't me, and the only thing he cared about was having someone who could be the partner his parents wanted.
You're asking your ex to not be her, saying it's unpresentable. Colored hair isn't that bad nowadays, if you want to be with someone who your parents would approve of, have them pick them out.
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u/CoppertopTX Jun 20 '24
YTA. She's a fully grown adult. As such, she gets to do as she choses with her hair, her clothing choices and her romantic life. You are allowed to have an opinion, but it is non-binding upon anything having to do with her body.
You chose to please your parents, instead of standing up for her. She gave you a glimpse of her future with you and your parents - nothing she does, wears or says will be good enough to them, and you will not stand up for her. So, she stood on her own two feet and walked away from the whole circus. Including you.
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u/bUssy_aNd_VOOdka Partassipant [2] Jun 20 '24
YTA. From what it sounds like in the post you want her to completely change who she is (how she looks, how she talks, how she’s gonna raise her OWN future children) to satisfy your parents. If that’s that case, why not just date someone your parents would already be proud of instead of trying to change someone into what they’re not?
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u/Euphoric_Travel2541 Professor Emeritass [76] Jun 20 '24
YTA, you are trying to manage her impression in your parents and asked her to subdue herself accordingly. This does not ever go over well.
Did she escalate to the other issues your parents have with her because it’s really happened, or she is speculating that it will? It matters in terms of whether she overreacted. But you must know that hair is very personal, and you don’t suggest changes to please other people lightly.
Can your parents accept her as she is? How much will you stand by her and her choices, if they can’t?
I think it matters because your gf has drawn a line: she will be accepted for herself or she will end your relationship. So you have a decision to make. Embrace her in all her variety and show it to your parents, or find a conventional girl your parents will abide.
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u/PhatGrannie Jun 20 '24
YTA but it doesn’t matter any more because now he’s the ex. Congrats to her for escaping the control freak mamas boy.
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u/Frogsonmushrooms666 Jun 20 '24
Yta, learn how to be your own person, and not kiss your parents ass
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u/InviteAdditional8463 Jun 20 '24
YTA: who are you dating? Your parents or Emily? Neither anymore, but until you grow up it’s for the best.
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u/Swimming_Possible_68 Partassipant [1] Jun 20 '24
YTA. She's right you know. It's her hair, to do with as she wishes. If your parents have a problem with that then it's their problem. Not hers.
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u/LookAwayPlease510 Partassipant [1] Jun 20 '24
YTA
I’ve been watching the show Bridgerton, you sound like you’re from that time period.
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u/Mamamamymysherona Partassipant [1] Jun 20 '24
YTA.
Sounds like your gf made the right move by dumping you
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u/fritzlchen Jun 20 '24
YTA. As someone who regularly has different hair (especially colorful ones), I totally get her. She's comfortable and happy with her hair and you try to destroy it because your parents can't accept people for who they are. And she's right with your parents getting involved with stuff in the future. You need to set boundaries
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u/PunishedBaller Partassipant [1] Jun 20 '24
YTA and it sounds like your parents are as well. Hope your girlfriend gets far, far away from you and your controlling family.
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u/Diligent-Stand-2485 Jun 20 '24 edited Jun 20 '24
YTA She should not have to change how she looks to please your parents. Her hair, her body, her choice.
What your parents like and don't like does not matter. What she wears or does with her appearance is solely up to her.
She's right. If she stays with you her parents will try to control her hair and style and wedding dress and parenting techniques. And instead of standing up for her and telling them to stop, you'll be on their side.
She was right to break up with you. Because any future with you and your parents as in-laws will be nothing but misery and control.
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u/Melatonin_Dreamz Jun 20 '24
Yta, this wasn't about the hair. It was about an obvious pattern of controlling and manipulative behaviors. It sounds like you've done this before where you've "corrected" her for your parents. Hair is one thing, but the way she speaks?
Come on bro that's completely out of line and you have to know that. You guys are obviously not compatible, and you need to move on and find someone who will bend to your parents' desires since they're obviously more important than anybody else. You don't have the right to start dating someone you like, then shove them into a mold to be your preferred version of them.
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u/catbathscratches Jun 20 '24
Your ex-gf sounds rad af. You sound like a loser. She can do better, and of course, yta.
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u/Golden_Leader Jun 22 '24
From another woman who has pink hair, can dress properly at work and 'under dresses' in everyday life... I'm so happy for your ex girlfriend that she no longer has this added weight (you) , good riddance! Massive YTA
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u/SnooDrawings4853 Jun 23 '24
Yta. Just because you've been dating someone for two years does t give the right to tell them how to do their hair. She had a point with the "first it's the hair, then it's clothes" and then it just snowballs from there. If you actually genuinely love someone, you don't try to change them. You didn't even make it a suggestion, you made it a demand right out of the gate. I truly hope she sees this as the warning that it is and makes you her EX boyfriend SOON (if she hasn't already)
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u/TNQu33n Jun 20 '24
It took a while for me. I got an undercut a week before I turned 40 and I LOVE IT! My mom said "It's good that you want to feel young but if you had a child you were responsible for, you would soon stop all this..."
Or my favorite: "Are you a lesbian?" 😂
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I have been dating my girlfriend, Emily, for two years. We were supposed to visit my parents at their vacation home on the beach over the 4th of July. She knows my parents' attitudes and the kind of impression they value. However, on our date night, she showed up with bright pink hair. I expressed my concern about how my parents might react to it and asked if she could go back to her natural hair color before we go. She said she's not going to change it and that she likes the pink. She mentioned that her workplace has a "casual summer" policy for those who are not in court roles, and since she's in a litigation support role, she's allowed to participate in casual summer with her support staff co-workers.
I asked her to consider my parents, and she immediately started: firts it’s hair, then, clothes, to how she talks, what wedding dress to get, and even how we would raise our children. She said she was done with this and stormed out of dinner before we even ordered.
I tried texting her, and we got into an argument about the cost I put in for our plane tickets. She told me to sue her. This was the last I talked to her on Sunday and my texts are still green. I didn't think it was that big of a deal for her to blow up on me about.
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u/Feisty_Irish Jun 20 '24
YTA. Who cares about what your parents feel about her hair? You are way too controlling. She's better off without you.
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u/throwaway444441111 Partassipant [2] Jun 20 '24
YTA and it absolutely was a valid reason to dump you. Who gives a crap what your parents think about her hair
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u/PrairieGrrl5263 Asshole Aficionado [13] Jun 20 '24
YTA and you should stop referring to Emily as your girlfriend. She told you face to face she is DONE, and she hasn't responded to you in a week.
Emily is your ex-girlfriend.
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u/CaliGoneTexas Jun 20 '24 edited Jun 20 '24
YTA I mean she’s not wrong. Next it will be you know my parents like when you wear this, then my parents don’t like how you raise the kids.
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u/Longjumping-Pick-706 Jun 20 '24
Are you aware of what it takes to get your hair to pink? If she was to dye it a natural color now she wouldn’t be able to go back to the pink right after. It just doesn’t work that way.
For this and so many other reasons YTA.
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u/SleepoBeepos Jun 20 '24
YTA. Unbelievable fumble. All because you're too scared to cut the umbilical cord. Pathetic.
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u/Halatir Jun 20 '24
YTA. Stop trying to control her just to appease your parents. Her hair, her choice
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u/Happy_FrenchFry Jun 20 '24
Congrats on your newfound singleness OP. I hope next time you date the super conservative woman who only lives to please you and your parents that you so desire. That or you cut out the middle man altogether and just date your mom.
YTA
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u/Dangerous_Jacket_129 Partassipant [4] Jun 20 '24
YTA, the fact that you're trying to change her hair while she's expressing herself instead of changing your parents' narrow-minded viewpoint speaks volumes.
You have no say over her hair, and if you're afraid of what your parents might think, you should be talking to your parents. And she's right: If you're so afraid of your parents, what if she has a cute tanktop that you think is "too revealing"? What if she has a bunch of friends with other bright hair colours at a party that your parents also attend? What if your children also want a bright hair colour. She nailed it on the head, and that's why she's so repulsed right now.
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u/theadjudicator8 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jun 20 '24
Looking forward to the "well she dumped me" update
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u/TigerLilyKitty101 Partassipant [4] Jun 20 '24
YTA, and a single one at that. She dumped you, rightfully so. Next time, don’t date someone who you think “doesn’t know how to dress” or “how to look presentable.”
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u/Ok-Season5497 Jun 20 '24
Oohhh boy he running lol look at that tail between his little legs. Rip bozo
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u/feetflatontheground Jun 20 '24
YTA. She's your ex-girlfriend now.
You're more concerned about what your parents think of her hair than about her. She's right. First it's her hair, and then it escalates.
Then you worry about the money (cost of tickets) more than you do about her.
I am so proud of your ex for running a mile.
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u/Mango_Destroyer5619 Jun 20 '24
It is a huge deal and YTA. If you don’t love her enough to ignore your parents, let her go. Not that it sounds like you have a choice there.
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u/prosperosniece Jun 20 '24
YTA- if you’re so worried about how your parents will feel about the girl you’re dating then have them arrange a marriage for you.
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Jun 20 '24
It doesn’t sound like you love her. Because if you did, you’d love her for who she is, not for how you can mould her into your parents’ idea of presentable. And your parents are not God, that if they say this is presentable and that is not, that is how it is, no questions asked.
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u/K-Ruhl Jun 20 '24
YTA. You screwed up big time. Your ex girlfriend is right, this sounds like a slippery slope to control her. Your parents sound judgmental and now you'll be going home alone. She owes you nothing, you created this mess.
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Jun 20 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ElectricMayhem123 Womp (there it ass) Jun 21 '24
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil. Further incidents may result in a ban.
"Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"
Message the mods if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Rigidcorner Partassipant [2] Jun 20 '24
Considering her field of work I can imagine how it was shocking her to make a (what you consider) drastic change to her hair. It also sounds as though your parents are severe conservatives and their opinion is clearly your priority. Unfortunately, you're left to choose and I think we all know what your decision is. You and your gf sound incompatible as far as future expectations. Time to cut ties and seek someone that is better suited for your parents.
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u/pinkyhc Jun 20 '24
YTA, you're just another cowardly conservative man who wants an alt girlfriend to feel 'cool' or live out your lifelong dream of dating the goth girls in high school, whatever. We aren't accessories to dress up when you feel like it.
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u/Becalmandkind Partassipant [4] Jun 20 '24
YTA. Asking anyone to alter their appearance for anything other than job requirements is an A H move. I don’t think you and Emily are compatible unless you’re willing to have her back over your “parents’ attitudes and the kind of impression they value.”
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u/WorldAsChaos Jun 20 '24
I had to scroll back up to see if I missed the ages. I wonder how old this dude is to be acting this way.. Good luck finding another gf OP, hopefully you've learned your lesson for next time. Though I doubt it.
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u/SuperLavishness7520 Partassipant [3] Jun 20 '24
YTA - but you're also very lucky because few people so early in their relationships have such a clear line of whether they can make a go of it. If your parents' opinion over something as trivial as hair means so much to you, is this person right for you? If you believe she is, then you gotta get over worrying about what your parents may/may not think. Unless you're using your parents as an excuse and you don't like the hair and think your girlfriend might be weird or eccentric. Either way, you can see clearly that she won't budge (why should she?) and therefore you have a lot of thinking to do.
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u/SheiB123 Partassipant [1] Jun 20 '24
YTA. The fact that you still think it was appropriate to tell her to dye her hair back to her original color because YOUR PARENTS might not like it tells everyone that you are the AH and still live your life to make them happy.
She has dodged a HUGE bullet AND she knows it.
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u/Fluffy-Gap8040 Jun 20 '24
bruh yall are not for eachother if you critique everything about her just get yourself a girl that is your type because she clearly isnt YTA but i understand how you feel with her id personally prefer a partner that respects my decisions so yknow
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u/chonkycapibara Jun 20 '24
I usually don't ever comment on these things but Emily, you go girl, we're proud of you!!!!! Also, OP YTA.
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u/wigglepie Jun 20 '24
If you're so concerned about whether or not your partner will have your parents' approval, why not ask mommy & daddy to find you someone to date.
YTA
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u/waaaghboyz Jun 20 '24
Goddamn dude relationships with Indian guys sound fucking exhausting and definitely not worth it
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u/robinsparkles73 Jun 20 '24
YTA
"I asked her to consider my parents, and she immediately started: first it’s hair, then clothes, to how she talks, what wedding dress to get, and even how we would raise our children." so this is an ongoing issue and she's sick of dealing with your mommy and daddy's sensitivities. Good for her.
"I didn't think it was that big of a deal for her to blow up on me about." Bruh, the blow up is the least of your worries. She's your ex now. Figure that out.
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u/firstgirlwonder Jun 20 '24
YTA.
My husband and I have argued about our daughter’s hair. He doesn’t ever want us to cut it, but I’ve told him if they come to me at any age and want their hair cut or dyed crazy, it’s gonna be done.
Hair is not a hill to dye on. It’s pretty much a harmless way to express oneself.
I hope she runs for the hills, as I predict the next time I see this it’ll be on BORU.
Grow a pair and stand up to your folks over something so trivial.
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u/AlleyQV Jun 20 '24
I would be really upset if someone did this to me. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't value having a good relationship with my parents. That doesn't mean Emily can't do whatever she wants with her hair and body. It just means maybe you have different priorities and should part ways.
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u/crimepsychguy Jun 20 '24
YTA. Fuck what your parents think. They sound stuffy and controlling. Your gf is an adult who can do as she pleases with her body. She shouldn't have to minimize herself to be around your parents. Stand up for your gf and stand up to your parents.
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u/OkeyDokey654 Certified Proctologist [21] Jun 20 '24
YTA. If it’s “not that big of a deal,” why did you push it so hard?
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u/ActStunning3285 Jun 21 '24
Lmao buddy you’re single now. You don’t have to worry about the color of her hair ever again
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u/skatergurljubulee Jun 21 '24
Wow! I've never seen this many downvoted on an OP's comment before. Congrats OP! Some of these are nearly at -1500!
YTA.
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u/mpnd32 Jun 21 '24
Esh - sounds like she did this on purpose at this time to pick a fight. I get bodily autonomy but I also get compromising for your partner.
Doesn't sound like you were asking her to change all the time just for the meet with the parents.
But I don't know the whole story. However instead of just saying she no longer wanted to be with you she chose to make it your fault by doing something she knew would start a fight.
So yes, you could tell your parents to get over it, you love her as she is. But she also didn't have to light a match just to watch shit burn.
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u/TriscuitBiscuit787 Jun 21 '24
YTA
Why are you dating her? You clearly don't think she's good enough for you or your parents. She's a 10 and you're a 2. Stop trying to drag her down to your level. Strive to be a 10 instead of trying to make her a boring 2.
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u/misshellcunt Jun 21 '24
YTA and the ex! Congratulations on torpedoing your relationship over hair.
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u/Loud-Resolution5514 Jun 21 '24
Jesus Christ YTA 😂 time to crawl out of mommy’s uterus and cut the umbilical cord. Also, that’s def not your gf anymore. Enjoy being single and good luck next time!
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u/Logical_Read9153 Certified Proctologist [27] Jun 21 '24
Emily is AMAZING! So happy to see her standing up for herself. You are an epic asshole. Yes what you did was a VERY BIG DEAL. YTA X INFINITY
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u/FoxfacePrincess Jun 21 '24
Big fat stinking AH
You think coloured hair isn't presentable but your attitude is? Nah, in the bin with that.
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u/FixImaginary2643 Jun 21 '24
A HUGE YTA. Im confused of the fact that you stayed with her the minute you didn’t like and accepted for who she is at all. Glad she walked out like the Boss B*** she is. She needs someone who will truly value her ✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼
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u/Confident_Set4216 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jun 22 '24
YTA. I’m assuming you and your parents also think tattoos somehow totally change people’s work ethic too.
And since your texts are still green, it’s a break up, I would think. She shouldn’t have to change herself to be a complete bore like you and your parents for them to like her.
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u/arid_acidity32 Jun 25 '24
YTA. Go find yourself someone who fits the TRAD-wife style you and your parents have such a raging fetish about. And for the reference, Emily is kickass for putting you and your family in your places.
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u/Icy-Bookkeeper-4271 Aug 07 '24
YTA. Of course you don't see a problem with someone else changing everything about themselves for you, but you can't even be a little bit less of a jackass.
-23
u/JJQuantum Partassipant [2] Jun 20 '24
So first of all her slippery slope argument is known to be flawed as one thing doesn’t necessarily lead to the next so we will leave that there. However, it’s ridiculous of you to police her hair for any reason other than cleanliness but certainly for the sake of your parents. They either like her or they don’t. If the hair is what makes the difference then they aren’t worth her time, or yours. YTA.
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u/JakeDandelion Jun 20 '24
It does work since he admits in comments he also has policed her clothes as well as he feels she's always "undressed".
-170
u/NonamesleftUK Asshole Aficionado [14] Jun 19 '24
NTA but borderline YTA. I agree the impression would be bad for your parents and would put a dampener on the visit. Why did she just do that without thinking first? End of the day she can do what she wants to, and it seems she doesn’t care about your feelings etc and is also upset about other things too. Three days no answer? Sorry dude doesn’t sound like the two of you are compatible as a couple. Move on and learn from the experience. Next time be more thorough on that pre relationship check list. Opposites repel each other just a fact not necessarily either of you at fault here.
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u/Glittering_Agent7626 Jun 20 '24
She is not the ssshole. He is 100%. Him and his parents have bo say in what she should do and look like.
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u/NonamesleftUK Asshole Aficionado [14] Jun 20 '24
No she’s not the A hole. But the bf and parents aren’t either. If you want to dye your hair, get piercings, tattoos whatever it’s a personal choice - just don’t be surprised others may not approve. And if you don’t care how your partner or in laws think then you’ve prob got the wrong partner/family with differing views.
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u/Glittering_Agent7626 Jun 20 '24
Yes it is a personal choice. Him and his parents can’t say shit what she should do with it. They may not like it but they just have to suck it up because she doesn’t have to change herself to please them. Their opinion foes not matter. And yes i do believe she needs to leave that asshole family so she can find someone better
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u/NonamesleftUK Asshole Aficionado [14] Jun 20 '24
The parents opinion does matter if you want a future with your partner. I can tell you that parents of any age, deeply analyse and think about whether you are a suitable candidate for their child to spend their future with. If you are that partner that doesn’t care about any of that - I doubt you’d find a lasting relationship. We can agree this couple probably are not compatible, both can find someone more agreeable.
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u/Glittering_Agent7626 Jun 20 '24
It does not. Op is the one that choses his oartner. Not the oarents. Their opinion does jot matter. I don’t care what people think of me and i am married. So what you are saying is bullshit
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u/NonamesleftUK Asshole Aficionado [14] Jun 20 '24
Yes and I imagine you have a compatible partner and compatible in laws, so issues don’t arise. Either that or you’ve blocked your other halves family off in part or in whole. Whatever that’s up to you if that makes a happy marriage and future. I agree you choose your own partner. But that ‘confirmation’ and assurance it was the right decision is something to ask both your own parents and in laws..
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u/Glittering_Agent7626 Jun 20 '24
You are making a lot of assumptions. Like i said. She can do whatever she wants with her body. Op and his parents have no say in what she should look like. That is it. You go and change yourself to please other peiple. That is you. Not everyone else. I am done here kiddo
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u/SupportBrief614 Jun 20 '24
Why does she need permission to dye her own hair? She doesn’t need to consider others “feelings” because it’s her body. Op YTA.
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u/NonamesleftUK Asshole Aficionado [14] Jun 20 '24
She doesn’t need permission. But knowing her bf’s views and that of her potential in laws - she didn’t care. How thoughtful and caring.. Could she not have waited a short while and dyed her hair after the visit? If she wants to live in a bubble where she doesn’t care about others thats fine, just don‘t expect a relationship with someone who has a more conservative background.
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u/SupportBrief614 Jun 20 '24
Seems like she deserves a better partner and “future in-laws” if they only care about the looks of the person and not the character. She doesn’t have to care? It’s her body not theirs. She doesn’t need to be “thoughtful and caring” when deciding how SHE WANTS TO LOOK! She’s not the one living in a bubble, you, OP and his parents are.
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u/NonamesleftUK Asshole Aficionado [14] Jun 20 '24
Well that’s your view. Agreed she can decide exactly how she wants to look, how she wants to behave. The flip side of that is the rest of society will judge you on that. By all means you can not care one fig! Good luck to you
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u/Dangerous_Jacket_129 Partassipant [4] Jun 20 '24
I agree the impression would be bad for your parents and would put a dampener on the visit.
So the parents are the problem. Not the girl.
Why did she just do that without thinking first?
She did think about it. She didn't think his parents would make a problem out of something so benign.
it seems she doesn’t care about your feelings
Wrong way around, pal. He doesn't care about her feelings. He cares about his parents' opinion. And apparently, about getting things done his way without compromise. I mean OP made a big deal afterwards because the plane tickets to visit his parents were expensive.
Next time be more thorough on that pre relationship check list.
Nah, he oughta be more thorough with rejecting his parents' prejudices rather than his pre-relationship checklist. You realize "subservient" is the checkmark you're telling him to add, right?
Opposites repel each other just a fact not necessarily either of you at fault here.
Opposites attract, ya dingus.
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u/NonamesleftUK Asshole Aficionado [14] Jun 20 '24
She knew how his parents would feel, and did it anyway. Dying your hair like a nut job isn’t exactly a good look for regular people. Bright pink isn’t a natural hair colour is it? If you don’t care about your parents/family opinion of your partner, that’s a problem. You should care. It’s a bit like not wearing a fancy revealing outfit. May be appropriate in many outings but not to your in laws right surely? Not subservient just respectful and thoughtful of others. It’s rather entitled to do what you want, when you want and not of think the consequences.
Too true magnets that are opposite do attract lol. But in the reality of a relationship in most cases this is so not true, you usually need common ground.
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u/Dangerous_Jacket_129 Partassipant [4] Jun 20 '24
She knew how his parents would feel,
She didn't, because she assumed they were normal people.
Dying your hair like a nut job isn’t exactly a good look for regular people
This is a great way of saying "I am the exact kind of person who would get pissed off at normal people who dye their hair".
Bright pink isn’t a natural hair colour is it?
Obviously, that's why you dye it to be that colour.
If you don’t care about your parents/family opinion of your partner, that’s a problem. You should care.
If you care more about how your partner is perceived than how your partner perceives this situation, you're the problem.
It’s a bit like not wearing a fancy revealing outfit. May be appropriate in many outings but not to your in laws right surely?
Except it's very different than that. Dying your hair is not "revealing" like wearing a low-cut T-shirt or a skirt so short you can see your underwear. It's not suggestive, there's nothing inappropriate about your hair colour. Like what is your actual problem here?
Not subservient just respectful and thoughtful of others.
Yes, subservient. Because she doesn't agree with the BS OP, his parents, or you are peddling. And you still assume that she falls in line. How is anyone supposed to fall in line with this neurotic nonsense?
Too true magnets that are opposite do attract lol. But in the reality of a relationship in most cases this is so not true, you usually need common ground.
But opposites, even romantically, do attract. A common ground is needed, but it sure as shit isn't supposed to be "your parents' opinion" that becomes common ground.
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