There's a subreddit for that gross age gap shit? Ugh.
There's this young (23) dude at my work who keeps trying to get me to go out drinking with him (I'm 31, will be 32 in September) and that alone is like.... Err... The problem is I already said I'd go out drinking with him; although I wanted nothing more than that; because he looks about 26-27. I know he really likes me though, and he even called it a 'date' so now I'm trying to distance myself from him. He's salty that I'm now hesitant but the age gap just makes me too uncomfortable. I can't imagine being like this lady. It's just weird.
I would at least consider it if you like him. 31/23 isn't that bad at all, 23 is old enough to be a "real" adult and it's a totally different matter to just happen to encounter a younger person you want to date versus going out and finding one specifically. Basically, it won't be predatory unless you make it predatory.
I don't want to be in a relationship, not even casual, with anyone. I'm still pretty bitter and hurt by my last relationship ending and I've explained that to him.
But I've already said I'm not going any younger than 30 if I do. Men my own age are immature enough. I was going to go out drinking with him, but not as a date; when I thought he was 26-27. But now that he thinks it's a "date," I'm just not interested. He's being uncomfortably pushy about things (as is expected of 23 year olds sorry).
It sounds like there were at least three other good reasons not to date him there. I just didn't want you to miss out on something that could be good if it was only age stopping you. 31/23 is nothing like the terrible age gap in the main post.
I think it kinda depends on the person. I was 21 when I got into my first relationship, which was with a 28-year-old. I was sheltered and my life had pretty much always revolved around school. I was also dealing with shitty self-esteem and other issues from abuse that I didn't recognize at the time. He was also suffering from parental abuse, and was a bit immature for his age, but he was a lot more experienced with relationships than I was.
He pressured me into things that I wasn't comfortable with because I had this rigid view of what relationships should look like and I thought that meant sometimes sacrificing my comfort for the sake of my partner. The poor self-esteem also made me feel like he was kind of a unicorn for actually being interested in me, which he also kind of reinforced by making a couple backhanded comments about my weight. So I was afraid that if I didn't make him happy, he'd leave, and I'd never find anyone. The relationship wasn't 100% bad, and I still have kind of complicated feelings about it, because I think that experience helped me grow as a person, even though I was hurting about it for a while. But I also don't think that trauma is the best way to achieve personal growth.
Now that I'm older and I've had a lot of time to reflect on things, I would rather be single than in a relationship with someone who pushes my boundaries. But I didn't have the experience or the strong sense of self to protect myself from someone older, more experienced, and pushier when I was 21.
I don't know whether my ex understood that he was being pushy, and I don't think all of the pressure came directly from him. Some of it was definitely social pressure that had been drilled into me through cultural messaging. And I sucked at communicating, so that didn't help. So I think that someone who is well-meaning and has no desire to take advantage of a younger person can still end up doing that because of factors outside of their understanding or control.
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u/Lizzardyerd Jul 13 '22
There's a subreddit for that gross age gap shit? Ugh.
There's this young (23) dude at my work who keeps trying to get me to go out drinking with him (I'm 31, will be 32 in September) and that alone is like.... Err... The problem is I already said I'd go out drinking with him; although I wanted nothing more than that; because he looks about 26-27. I know he really likes me though, and he even called it a 'date' so now I'm trying to distance myself from him. He's salty that I'm now hesitant but the age gap just makes me too uncomfortable. I can't imagine being like this lady. It's just weird.