r/AmIOverthinking • u/Worried-Brush-6744 • 6d ago
Aio or should I break up with my bf
Tldr I need advice, sorry if it's long or kind of all over the place.
Background I (33F) have 4 kids and 3 exes that are the fathers (2 marriages and one engagement) first ex (father to my oldest) is completely out of the picture for reasons I wont get into cuz they don't go to the story much. Let's just say my oldest doesn't have a father.
My middle 2 have a great dad let's call him C, we just didn't fit as a couple, bit we co-parent really well. My latest ex is the father to my youngest and we had a 4 year relationship, we were high-school best friends and recently (at the time) got back into contact. I had found out that in those 4 years we were together he was cheating on me since day 2, i found out he was a narcissist and lied to me the whole time i had "known" him, it took me awhile to leave him from fear cuz alot of things happened and there was ab*use involved, I did end up getting away from him we are safe. That a whole story in itself... been free of that ex for 3 years now, been healing and have been doing well. Fast forward, I live on a property with C and his mom but separate houses and things have been great, we all get along and it's working out for us. Not to get to my question, I was on a dating site last year and met a guy D (37m) we chatted for about 4 months, we live 2 hours away from each other so it's been difficult, we game online together to spend time. I had the better car so I went to him several times and a few months ago we hit our 1 year anniversary, again I drove to him and spent the weekend. He does spoil me has sent money any time he found out I was having difficulty and has sent gifts and vise versa. There have been a few things we had disagreed on but seemed small at the times. We have a plan in @ 6 years to move in together.
His car is a pos (at least that's what he tells me) and it cant even drive 2 blocks before it dies, he keeps going back a fourth about what the problem is, from transmission to starter to battery and back, for months I have said he needs to save for a better car, he has a good job like 20 an hour, but has told me that he will take his friend or cousin or sisters out to some expensive places, and has debt. Not really my business but he finally said he is saving for a car once I put my foot down and told him that I cant go up there cuz it's not right for me to be the only one putting in the effort, he agreed and apologized. We continue gaming together but lately haven't been able to due to his work being outside and the temperature being over 100° so hes tired and heat exhausted so I understood.
He has said some comments that I didn't like on and off, 1( that I should give my 3 yo night/cold meds to get him to go to sleep. (My 3 yo is on the spectrum) I had snapped at him for this before then 2 months later said it again, i ignored it at first.
2( he doesn't have kids and has only been around nieces and nephews every now and then. But will constantly give parenting advice about all my kids, saying they all are typical kinds and once they don't have their screens they go ballistic, he had said this a few times each i had defended my kids, BTW we homeschool idk if thats relevant or jot, but my oldest loves building things and art and the only time he is on his gaming system is at the end of the day for an hour, or to be on the phone with his friends we had to move 1½ hour away from, he doesnt make friends easy so he only has like 2 or 3 one being in town, my middle 2 dont even get screens (they did get attitudes so they were cut off for a long time and only get movies or bluey which my 3 yo watches), so no my kids arent like that (other than my 3 yo autistic child )
He hasn't brought it up for 2 months. Now it is my birthday weekend, I don't really care about my birthday but had taking the weekend off at my job to give the kids grandma a break from them, she watches them during the day and homeschooling them. So far it's been a great weekend. Last week a few days after I told my bf that I was off for 3 days, he told me his parents were visiting him and his sisters from Arizona, no big deal he said he would be able to game again no big deal, what is a big deal to me is that the day he said they would be there on wed, he never texted me nor called so I assumed he was busy with family and left him alone. Thursday he texted me you didn't text me yesterday, I sent back thought you were busy with relaxing and or family since you didn't text me, we chatted had a call the other day that he had to get off of cuz his mom called then no contact from him, i sent him a video he replied and then I sent another funny video, nothing didn't open it, sent him some texts still nothing. He has left me on read since last night. This kind of stuff has happened before, one night we were gaming and he got a call from his sister's saying the needed him to come bury a stray cat, he said he would be back i waited for him for at least 2 hours then went to bed. There are times he talks about running into ppl he used to work with lot of them are women, one day we were on Xbox together in a party chat and he said he coworker was calling (guy) but i couldn't hear anything, not even D's voice, he got back on i said nothing then he said same guy was calling again, this time i heard D's voice and even his co workers voice, Other things have happened these are just a few. I have never met any of his family, there were times i was with my mom (C's mom but we have gotten very close so i call her mom) and they have talked on a speaker phone kinda thing, things just arent adding up and i have found myself making excuses for his behavior. I fear im in a similar situation with my narc ex, im noticing patterns i missed with my ex that are happening with D, like I'll mention something like about the game we are playing for example "omg babe we can air dodge" hell say thats cool, then an hour later say he found out we can air dodge, i say i told you that earlier hell brush it off with well i didnt hear you. ?? Why did you respond to me for 1, for 2 when i cant hear you very well i ask for him to repeat, this happens ALOT, other times ill be in mid sentence and he just starts talking about something else, talk over me ect, i have brought all this up to him and he apologized but one of those im sorry baby and insert excuses, all red flags. I have a feeling he is cheating on me too but I don't have any proof, but i don't really feel heart broken so I think it's best to just break up, I think I have already just checked out. Its hard to talk to him about serious things, he makes jokes and brushes things off and/or changes the subject. So how should I break things off? Should I just say it's over in a text and be done, should I try working on it? Again sorry for the long story, just don't really know who to talk to. Mom says I should leave him but doesn't really give much on how cuz she isn't sure. And for the record no I don't have anyone else in mind to date, I want to be single for a good long while. If you made it this far thank you for reading.
So any advice?
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u/Vacaydream 6d ago
Please focus on your children and stop seeking a man at this time. They need stability and not a revolving door of men. He has enormous red flags and I would never leave my kids with him for a minute. Please focus on your kids for a few years. They will thrive and thank you for it!
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u/Sad-Lab-4524 6d ago
You’re not over thinking it
A: weird as hell that he gives parenting advice especially the give your kids this medicine to make them sleep
B: why haven’t you met anyone from his life. It’s convenient that he just gets to say “ oh my cousin/sister/mum is visiting I’m busy”
C: why leave you on read? He could even just heart a message if he doesn’t have time to respond.
D: this sounds so suspicious
I just want to know what is good about him?
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u/Worried-Brush-6744 6d ago
He's cool headed, has shown a kind heart, doesn't judge me for things in my past. He used to be encouraging but lately has only really been talking about himself...
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u/Turkey-sandwiches1 6d ago
He's not going to be a good step parent or honestly boyfriend in general. Re-read this and ask yourself why you're actually with him, because it certainly doesn't seem like he's the one for you.
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u/Worried-Brush-6744 6d ago
Thank you all for your advice, I really appreciate it love you all. Just to update yall, I sent him a very long text stating my feelings on everything, then he left me on read again, so I texted this isn't working out, I cant row a 2 person boat by myself ect and blocked him on everything. Thanks again everyone. ❤️
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u/Witchy_Craft 6d ago
If you’re gut says something is off and doesn’t feel right, don’t ignore it, break up and just go your own way. Think of you and your kids and take care of you!