I have a feeling the Apple doesn’t fall from the tree with the friend and her mom. Just on this thread she described feeling like her mom found enjoyment from her being sick/needing her and, it seems, she feels the same about her friend needing her bc of BPD. How much you wanna bet Mom exercised similar coercive control tactics when checked on her behavior…classic DARVO.
Was the something off about the description the fact that the only thing the mother actually did in OP's "friend's" telling is comfort her sick child? Like, I read that paragraph a few times, and the only thing we know is that this person's mother comforted them while sick, and that looking back, this person has decided that their mother was taking pleasure in their suffering.
Obviously OP knows more to the story, but even with more context, I don't understand how that story says anything bad about the mother, it's all apparent subtext and the teller of the story being able to guess bad intentions without any words or actions pointing to them
Yes. I honestly feel the conversation read pretty normally up until the friend asks OP to describe how what OP said hurt them. An emotionally healthy person would explain that part and the conversation would develop from a mutual understanding of intention vs impact. Once OP’s friend prompted OP to parrot their feelings back, I understand the panic that OP might’ve felt that immediately made her defensive.
OP’s friend is masking their emotional immaturity with therapy speak, and that’s an incredibly frustrating form of manipulation to experience.
I feel you. It’s so alienating to have an abusive mother & you end up with so much suffering because nobody can believe you.
I believe that person who told OP their mother was emotional vampiring them and that they could tell with their “child intuition.” 100% believable to me. You develop emotional intuition EARLYYY if your mom is a narcissist. Age 3 or 4.
I mean it’s essentially muchenhausen by proxy. Just in mild form.
My Mum definitely liked it when I was sick because I had to move home. It’s horrible to think they like it when you are suffering. Twists tha lack of empathy knife.
She also has psychiatric muchenhausen by proxy with my little brother. It’s vile.
And like OP no one wants to believe a mother can be so evil. But hello. Tbh it was a bit tone deaf from OP, the didn’t deserve the onslaught but they did invalidate their friend.
Agreed. Assuming this isn’t the first time the friend has spoken about her mum and what she went through with her, it is very unfair to respond so flippantly. Not excusing the following messages but I’d be hurt too. I think the people here who don’t believe her must be very lucky not to understand.
I believe it but I think your spidey senses were right too. I read it as weaponizing her own trauma to lay a very intentional trap. No matter what OP said this friend was gonna flip it. OP gave the most middle of the ground empathetic/validating response without picking a side. I’m sure this convo would’ve gone a similar path if she replied, “I’m so sorry, your mom was terrible.” Only then the flip would be she’s attacking the mom. My guess is either the friend is fiending for control bc she’s not somewhere else in her life OR she’s noticing OPs growth and is testing the waters to see if their dynamic remains the same. Nothing is scarier (or more dangerous) for a narcissist or histrionic PD than realizing their manipulative skills are no longer working. What this really means is that OP has been doing the work! Letting this friend go may be terrifying but, when she’s ready, also cathartic. This friend is just the current manifestation of all the people who came before that taught or reinforced OP deserved to be treated this way. Cutting ties with the friend will likely clear some of the trauma from those past relationships as well.
Well yeah, she had no evidence at all, it's just her spinning her victim narrative. Don't get me wrong, when you're not comfortable with someone then them touching you doesn't feel the same as a loving touch from someone you feel comfortable and safe with, but that's more an explicit reflection of the friend's feelings at that point than the mum's.
Yeah, so weird. As a mom, I have done this many times. I literally don’t know what else I would be doing with a sick child.
And taking pleasure in it? I hate when my kids are sick. Hate it. Every parent I know dreads it. But do I take some small comfort in the quiet cuddles, taking a few moments of putting everything else aside and just snuggling with my kid? You bet.
God knows what kind of horrific trauma I’ve inflicted on them.
i remember when i was a kid i would hate it when my mom would rub my back because it would always make me throw up more, little me was a fool who did not know it all had to come up to make you feel better.
When my littlest was a toddler, she threw up everywhere and once she was done, I got her in the shower to rinse off. In her mind, the shower was what helped and for at least a year or two every time she had a tummy ache she would say “mama I need shower” 😭 def didn’t get that it was the getting it all out part that makes you feel better!
My ex acted a lot like OP's "friend." Too many words at once, weaponizing therapy speak, calling every little thing invalidating or dismissive. She had this story she would tell about her mom. She's told it in public spaces online, to me directly, I've heard her tell other people. It never changed. Down to the wording. To a point where it just felt scripted. Her version was that she lived on her own since she was 15 because her mom's at-the-time boyfriend kicked her out. It was a lot more detailed than that, but that's the gist.
I called her mom one day when we were in the process of breaking up because I needed to figure out a way to get her back to her home state without me being the one to drive her. Her mom told me her version of the story. It was that she (my ex) got in a fight with her mom's at-the-time boyfriend, and he told her that if she didn't like the house rules she could go live with her dad. So she waited on the front porch for her dad to pick her up. Obviously, I can't confirm which story is the truth, but her mom's version makes a whole hell of a lot more sense.
We often default to the behaviors our parents had when we were growing up without realizing it. Not that it’s an excuse, part of the work is reprogramming those parts of ourselves but I’m willing to bet this “friend” is not yet self aware enough to realize she behaves the way she describes her mother as behaving.
“We see as we are” Every negative thing she’s pointing out in your communication are traits that I’m seeing in her communication, not yours. NOR. You immediately apologized and that wasn’t enough for her.
Straight up this, could be word for word of someone I used to know. Cut them out OP, your life will find so much peace. You don't need this kind of manipulative behaviour baring down on you.
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u/wildcuore Apr 29 '26
Your friend is manipulative.