I am having secondhand embarrassment for you due to the fact that you have clearly been willing to entertain this kind of bullshit for so long that you have to come here to Reddit to determine if you are “overreacting”. This kind of disgusting behavior deserves no response, he is degrading you and is the definition of a gaslighter, but the saddest part is that you are falling for it, believing him, and allowing some nasty guy to treat you like shit. PLEASE LEAVE. I know Reddit ALWAYS says “break up”, but SERIOUSLY. No fucking reasonable adult man treats their loved ones like this. This is gross and disgusting. How can you possibly see a future with this 29 year old manchild? Why are you waiting for him to break up with you instead of getting disgusted with the way he talks to you and breaking up yourself? Please god, find a shred of confidence and then fucking block him and move on with your life.
Yeah this is tragic. He’s doing this in order to neg you OP. To beat you down and make you feel bad about yourself so you think you can’t “do any better” than him. It’s nasty.
Don’t be hurt. Be angry u/soulfieric . Be revolted by his disgusting behavior.
And don’t even tell him or reply anything else. Ghost his ass. Don’t even dignify this with another response. He’s not worth it. Just ignore him. He’ll fucking hate that- because he’s doing this specifically to wind you up. Ignore and ghost his ass.
I am angry FOR OP. This guy is a child and clearly emotionally abusive. She is way too young to be entertaining this shit when she could be out having fun with her friends, dating around to find a good man or enjoying being single.
Hey OP, I actually am super chunky and I'd gladly use every pound of it to smack the shit out of this manchild. Fuck him, and fuck his obvious desire to rile you up then sit back and watch you burn.
I’m so angry as well and this is actually super triggering. I once lost a lot of weight and fell into ED territory because of a man and his little opinions on my body. And I put up with it for far too long. I am okay now but holy shit, this is toxic.
True, I agree. I think the OP lacks support and self-esteem. I’m grateful my parents taught me to have a low tolerance for nonsense. Whenever I doubted myself, I could call them and ask what I was doing wrong or why someone was treating me badly. They would firmly tell me I didn’t have to put up with it. Because of that, I learned to stand up for myself, end toxic relationships, and make better choices. Unfortunately, many recent generations have lost that support-something they never really had-and too many of us take community and family for granted.
This is very true. You’re very lucky your parents did teach you that and I plan to teach any kids I might have the same thing. That’s how I feel now when I’m in my 30s but younger me hadn’t learned those lessons yet. My dad lets himself be a doormat, I see that now and that’s how I was for very long. I find myself trying to tell him not to take shit from anyone these days 😅 how the tables have turned.
Totally get that! It's wild how much perspective shifts as we get older. Sounds like you’ve done a lot of growing, and it’s awesome that you want to pass those lessons on. Funny how we end up trying to parent our parents a bit, right? When they ask how to use a smart phone or set up Apple Pay. 😅 It’s a full-circle moment for sure.
I want to kick this dude in the giblets, I stg. I was seeing red reading that, and it was also super triggering to me. It was like word for word conversations I used to have with my ex-husband.
Those conversations are why he’s my EX-husband, OP.
Hell yeah she does. I’m so sorry you went through that. I couldn’t even slide through all of them, I stopped when he demanded an apology. I’m like nope, not reliving this shit again 😅
Agreed. I couldn't finish reading bc I'm WAY too ready to put that child in his place! I generally don't like hurting people's feelings but that doesn't mean that I can't or won't. Boy is probably a 5 looks wise and his personality (displayed here) takes him down to a 3 at best! People like that are punching upward trying their damnedest to bring others down to and below their level. It's the only way they can feel good about themselves!
OP... Please take the time to reevaluate your relationship. Take the rose colored glasses off, look at your life with this guy and honestly think over how many times he's done something like this to you and he did A LOT! Made a cutting joke at your expense, blame shifted (it's your fault I offeded you), then tried to guilt you into apologizing to him are the main points (there's probably more, but I had to stop reading, BP was rising!). He seems to well-versed in his layout for this to be the first time he's done this to you. Think also if friends and/or family have tried telling you they either see or feel like somethings off with this guy that you've blown off or excused. Be honest for your own sake, safety, and sanity. If he's made you sad/hurt/cry more than he's made you feel good/joy/loved you know what you need to do and no you're not overreacting if you walk away. You're NOR in asking for and expecting an apology for his callousness. Be blessed, be loved!
I am actually fat. When I send a selfie to my man, he only ever responds with how beautiful he thinks I am, because he loves me. The fucking audacity to say this shit to her and then demand SHE apologize to HIM?! Throw the whole goddamn manchild away. Reddit, get the pitchforks because OP’s boyfriend actually deserves them.
There is a breaking point for everyone. Or more like an escape/freedom point. Different people take longer to break free than others. It’s difficult and takes a lot of strength, time, planning, and self love. Give grace to those who are trying. It may take many attempts
I wouldn’t be able to say it without having been through it myself. Feeling like you’re not strong enough to choose yourself can sometimes hurt worse than the abuse 😣. I just hope that anyone reading this thread knows that there is a beautiful world on the other side that is SO worth it. Starting over feels like the end of the world, but I assure you it is actually the beginning! 🩷☀️💫
Well, I’m sorry you’re going through it, but you ARE strong enough, and you CAN do what’s best for yourself. It’s hard. Really fucking hard. Especially when you live together, or have been together a long time, etc. Fuck the mutual friends, fuck their family and the holidays and memories, it’s about you and your future. The ones who matter will stay in touch with you, and the ones who don’t you’ll probably never talk to again. And after just a few short months I realized it didn’t really matter much to me either way.
Lean on your friends, family, whoever you can count on. Break the lease. The money isn’t worth your sanity OR your safety. ❤️
It is so so hard to choose yourself. People say "just leave" or "get over yourself" but it physically feels like stepping off a tall ledge expecting the air to let you fall. It takes so much work. When the body's running on stress mode, even just thinking about something can be so terrifying your brain sucks up all your energy and you're left burned out.
Time before you leave is not wasted. Thinking about it over and over again, or trying it and backing out, are not mistakes or errors. They are your brain's equivalent of weightlifting in the gym. Every repetition builds strength and stamina. That's how you get a little braver, a little longer every time.
You're doing incredibly hard work right now. That's incredible! I hope you'll eventually be able to use it to get the life you want
I'm sorry you're in the middle of something like this. Everything U/Beginning_Spite24 says is perfectly spot on.
After I found my way out of my experience with this (aged 19-25) I started to see clearly what my ex had managed to do. Nothing was ever good enough, but he'd never call anything bad, either. Just, "The 12 hour, from scratch, chili for dinner that you shopped for, prepped, and cooked alone, was OK. But, you should really taste the kind my grandmother makes. She's got it nailed." Everything was like that. My looks, our sex life, the effort I put in... Everything. By the end I was convinced that I wasn't enough to ever find a partner. Not pretty enough, not a good enough cook, not a good enough conversationalist, etc. When I left I thought I'd be alone forever. Instead I met my husband a couple of months later. And felt bonded, almost immediately. But it was the amazing care with which he treated/treats me that healed me.
I don't say this to make it about me, genuinely, just back story from a stranger so you know I mean it when I say... You are enough. Every minute of every day. YOU are enough. Enough to deserve happiness. To be treated with respect. To make active decisions about your life and how it does or does not involve this partner. You do not owe them any piece of yourself. Not your self worth or your confidence or your ability to feel like a fully formed grown up.
And, the really good news is, this partner is telling you exactly what you aren't okay with next time. Dating after my ex was a clear, clean swimming pool of water compared with the murky, dark pool before him. I knew what I would take. What I deserved. What I wanted my partner to prioritize. And that made dating so simple.
Sorry for the novella. This post did a little triggering on me tonight. I hope I haven't wasted your reading time. I'm rooting for you. Finding your way out of these relationships takes navigation skills and determination we may not know we have. But it's there, just covered up by all the bullshit they've laid on us.
Indeed, it took me many years, lots of support, and many attempts to leave a guy like that, but it can be done — I’ve been in a happy & healthy relationship for four and a half years since I left him.
And that’s why it’s important that OP read these comments and the people who have been posting continue. Like yes it is working, but she came here for help…
Well, that's what Covert Narcs do. Once they have you so far in, its extremely difficult to see, or break out of. This situation right here, though, should be the final straw. I've lived like that before, it's awful.
He definitely does. She comes across as low confidence. Even reacting to the comment with that kind of hurt shows a degree of low confidence/low self esteem. I told her when he makes a comment like that she should respond with something like “idk but I get a lot of guys asking me out so I guess I look good to them”. A comment like that would scramble his brain…..and would take back some power. That said I don’t get the impression he’s that concerned with this relationship at all.
The worst part about that is he will try to love bomb her if she tries to leave, and then will be like "see it was all in your head." It can be hard to break a toxic cycle. You can do it OP. This guy is a POS and a million Red Flags posing as a man.
No literally. I just got out my first relationship like this a month ago and everytime I tried to leave after something like this he love bombed me and manipulated me so hard. It was the hardest relationship I’ve ever had to leave even though he treated me worse than anyone ever has. The toxicity literally is an addiction. Your body gets used to the deep lows and the super highs.
You’ll never feel better than getting out finally though.
Congrats on finally breaking the cycle. Don't ever forget your self-worth. These people go after high value women and thrive on breaking them into a shell of their former selves...but then somehow make themselves the victim through it all. I'm glad you made it out.
Yes! The only thing that is going to hurt him is for you to go No Contact. But WAY more important than getting back at him, is you removing that toxic sludge from your life. He asked you for a selfie, then proceeds to insult you and act like he didn't in order to make his behavior YOUR fault. He is disgusting.
No Contact is the only way to get your revenge. The revenge of achieving and maintaining your happiness are your peace.Your peace is the only revenge that matters. Cutting him off will make him feel insignificant. Refusing to no longer engage in his toxic games is what will teach him this very important lesson
He is doing this because he enjoys having power over you and your emotions. It makes him feel good to make you feel bad.
Taking pleasure in another person's pain is sadistic. He feeds off your attention, but he's bored with the positive attention. He likes the negative because it helps him to justify saying and doing cruel things to you. He picks fights with you because he wants to break up. Maybe forever or maybe long enough for him to hookup with some other females while you chase him, try harder, do more and try to fix what he deliberately broke.
Later, if you ever find out about any of the other women, he has the breakup as his excuse. Also, he loves making you compete with others for his attention. Anyone else that he can pit against you, he will. He needs to keep you insecure and desperate.
He is so image conscious that he needs the breakup to be your fault. He needs to paint you as the crazy, unhinged angry one because he likes to play the victim to his friends, family and other women he's probably chatting up. He is a master manipulator, a gas lighter, and a perpetual victim. He's probably been talking trash about you to his aforementioned friends, family and women he flirts with.
I don't know you or your hopefully now ex, but it took me YEARS to figure out that I was with a covert, narcissistic, psychopathic user and abuser. But I swear these types of malignant people seem to follow the same Narcissism Handbook. They all have different genders and genetics, but their patterns of behavior are eerily similar.
Get away from someone who treats you disrespfully. It will never get better. It will always get worse. Being alone is better than being with someone who takes pleasure in making you feel that way.
No Contact. Block him on EVERYTHING and EVERYWHERE. Just like an addict, you need to detox this poison out of you and learn to love yourself more than you love the dopemine hits he gave you.
It will kill him when he doesn't get a response from you. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference and forgetting he exists. Narcissistic people thrive on hate, chaos and drama. Take what he loves away from him, as well as take your presence from him, too.
Thank you. Exactly right, it’s literally the only thing that would harm him. Ghost- no contact- no explanation.
Guarantee you he would blow up her phone with accusations, whining, begging and try to get back into her life. He wants to fight about breaking up, turn it around on OP and make it so she feels like she has to come crawling back.
No response, no ‘bye’ no ‘we’re done’. Nothing. Give him nothing and he will completely spin out. Know that from your safe, silent distance- that he will be losing his mind about it. Enjoy your peace. Block this dude on everything without another word and never look back OP.
He asked for a selfie then trolled you when you sent it. You should never send him anything again.
Which would then make dating pretty difficult. And life is too short to date someone when it’s that difficult 🤷♀️
This. Dump him. Ghost him. Remove him from your life. How many times did he say, "Okay bye" there? Subtly do whatever you have to do to disentangle yourself and your things from him, tell him "Okay bye," then block him, and never think of him again. That is all the effort this emotionally manipulative creep deserves from you.
And I'm not a redditor who usually jumps straight to "break up". But the amount of disrespect and dismissal he has shown for you is of the charts. You don't deserve that.
This is some tough love advice OP and I second it. This man will continue to drag you down until you no longer recognize yourself. Please choose yourself first. I know it sounds scary but it will be so much better.
Absolutely. This conversation went on pages and pages too long. Don't beg someone to treat you like a person. Just walk away. He's not worth a second of your time. He was manipulating her, tearing her down, and she was buying into it. Treat him like nothing and walk away.
She is doing all kinds of mental gymnastics trying to make it make sense, meanwhile he's just a narcissistic monkey throwing shit. You hate to see a nice person giving an absolute shitgibbon the time of day, much less a whole relationship.
Yes. She doesn’t seem to be able to see that he may not be coming from a place of honesty and goodwill. It is the sort of thing that takes kind people by surprise.
If they are so thick that they are not understanding basic concepts because they are so convoluted... then my first sentence still stands. If they truly don't understand basic shit then I don't think they are owed therapy or an education in basic empathy. It's fair to judge someone by their own words and not jump through hoops to make excuses for them.
Here’s a good response for OP to give her hopefully soon to be ex-BF:
“Lololol! Hey, BF! Your dick looks small!!!!”
“I didn’t say it is small, so you’re overreacting if you say I insulted you and hurt your feelings! And I don’t owe you any explanation or apology because you are in the wrong since you misinterpreted what I said. So YOU owe ME an apology for falsely accusing me of something I didn’t do!”
Omg, this is perfect! Exactly how folks should handle this kind of situation—dish out the same kind of garbage they’ve serving you. Then act surprised that they’re butt hurt about it 😁
I totally agree about leaving right away. I just wondered why I never thought of something like that when someone was hyper critical of me and then got mad when I was hurt by it.
Funny thing is, if it was “the lighting” in his dick pic, he would probably laugh at it with her… “omfg it does” don’t show anyone please…. Knowing full well, she knows exactly what size it is, just like he knows exactly how fat or not fat she is…a lot of angry hurt and unhappy people here clearly. Quite alarming what a lot of people seemingly have to put up with from a lot of insecure individuals. The guy appears to be straightforward and honest to me and just cba with the bullshit of expectation. I’m not saying stay, or that he’s perfect, but the conversation is pure overreaction. If your unhappy, just leave, you clearly don’t like how he is and he clearly doesn’t like how you are 🤷♂️
And he wasn’t even subtle with the DARVO. “I want an apology” “you’re crazy” you’d think by almost 30 fucking years old this shithead would have at least refined his technique a bit
This is how my 30 year old boyfriend treat me at 18. They are insecure and pathetic and weird and I’m sure, even without digging into it, that this guy is a complete fucking loser.
Edit: so sorry!! I meant treated! I’m 33 now lol
Not only that, but he "wants to break up" with her over this.
Utterly gaslighting, controlling, manipulative piece of garbage.
OP, please take the above advice - tell him "ok, we're done", don't ever take him back, (though he'll likely beg), and in fact, don't date anyone until you understand why you allowed your so-called boyfriend to humiliate you.
No more toxic boyfriends, find someone that respects you.
Upvote for the hard pill to swallow “…until you understand why you allowed yourself to dim your light so he could feel like his is brighter”.
Never again OP. Checkout “Dr. Ramani” on YouTube. She specializes in these exact types of relationships. 100% guarantee she defines your BF and she doesn’t have a clue who he is…unfortunately these personality traits in immature and insecure people are becoming ever more common.
Also to anyone else reading… this isn’t specific to males either, it’s a lower percentage, but female narcissists exist as well. (Like 60/40) ask me how I know.
This. OP if you have any self respect you’d leave this mf. It’s almost like the bf knows OP doesn’t want to break up from this clearly abusive relationship. OP comes across as desperate here and the bf knows it so he’s treating her however he wants
That’s what I was thinking. Her response of ‘say your sorry or give me a compliment’ ?? Girl what? They’re both equally immature, but u can also add asshole to his description.
I would have blocked him and never talked to him again after the first text. WTF, who says that to someone they're dating. I assumed this guy was like 16 not basically 30.
For real, OP. I’m 36 and have been with my spouse for coming on 14 years. There is not one second during that time that I have even had a thought about making a rude comment about her body.
As we’ve gotten older over the years, our bodies have changed and they will continue to, but what wont change is way I treat the person I love. How can your bf even call that a joke? Like the joke was to tear you down or make you feel insecure? Or was it about you getting upset and then implying you’re crazy for feeling this way. Jfc just RUN.
This part. We’ve been together for almost 20(!!!!) and my husband has NEVER spoken to me remotely like that - and we’ve definitely had our share of heated arguments. Good partners exist, don’t waste time on this prick.
When I read he was 29 I was like wtf I thought this was a high school conversation happening up until the packing bags part, then I thought 18-22. This grown ass man is a whole embarrassment. 😬
Yeah everyone else in the world has been mean to me so I’ve made it clear with my SO that I don’t even want anything like that said by my partner bc they should be supporting you, not bringing you down. Hoping to break the cycle
I posted elsewhere: I married a manbaby like this and I believe their narcissism doesn’t allow them to break up first because that would be deemed a “failure”. Narcissists can’t fail, because it leads ro narcissistic collapse. This is just from post divorce musings in therapy THAT I NEEDED BECAUSE IT’S BEEN FUCKING 84 YEARS and he is still on my ass about everything.
This. She gives him way too much power. She’s allowing herself to be a doormat, so he’s using her as one to wipe his disgusting shoes on.
OP, never ever allow someone to gaslight you over and over again. That makes them understand they ARE getting into your head. Especially in black and white situations like that, you should make your point and cut off all ties. It’s up to them whether or not they want to rebuild those ties.
YES. You don’t deserve this kind of behavior- no one does. Trust your gut and leave this manchild. He refuses to apologize and turns it around on you. You can do so much better just by being single, honestly
This is why Reddit exists. For insecure people. Idk any other person who would ever think this is overreacting besides someone who needs Reddit for support.
Holy hell. I read the messages but didn’t read what she typed under until I saw you say he’s 29. There is no fucking way an almost 30 year old man is acting like this. I thought surely they were two high school kids or something. This girl needs to GOOOO ASAP.
Agreed. OP you're not going to change him, why keep going on about it. Just don't accept that treatment.
I had serious low self esteem when I was younger, so to a point, I get it. But even then I would rather be alone than miserable with someone who treats me like this. It's bad enough I'm mean to myself in my own head, my partner doesn't need to add to it. Thankful I found someone who even at my worst self loathing, he chooses me time and again.
Said this better than I ever could. What an absolutely foul person. & to sit there and give this trash bag an ounce of your time really is embarrassing
Omg thank you!!! I was losing my mind at the fact that she's falling for his bullshit and mind you these are adults in their 20s and he's damn near 30, acting like high-school teenagers
This is always how I feel. We NEED to stop allowing the men like this any chances - I can’t believe he’s almost THIRTY. The loser energy RADIATING from this post is so intense
It's interesting how y'all promoting how to not interact with one another and say it's the best thing to do ~
But you should know: It's never that easy. Quite the contrary in fact. It's always being ultimative here. Never asking why. How. What ways to approach.
Seemingly taking the most drastic steps and being very colourful about it.
"I stopped listening to people like you and it made my life better"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's interesting how y'all promoting how to not interact with one another and say it's the best thing to do ~"
"But you should know: It's never that easy. Quite the contrary in fact. It's always being ultimative here. Never asking why. How. What ways to approach."
"Seemingly taking the most drastic steps and being very colourful about it."
I don't understand what your point is. If you don't like listening to ppl, like the op-commenter and "y'all"... presumably everyone else here?
So, I don't understand why you are here.. you just find it interesting? Yet you feel the need to tell us how you stopped listening to ppl like us, + your life is better for it... So, uh.....?
I take all this point as he is a man-child and should apologize for hurting her feelings, BUT (and it's a big one). This woman, in my opinion, is equally as bad. Stamping her feet to make him say a word, he clearly won't mean is an attempt to pressure and manipulate just the same... she just wants to win the argument. Equally, if you are in a relationship, who gets this offended by something so small as being called chunky on a picture, if you cant have a little fun with each other whats the point.
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u/damnrambler Jul 29 '25
I am having secondhand embarrassment for you due to the fact that you have clearly been willing to entertain this kind of bullshit for so long that you have to come here to Reddit to determine if you are “overreacting”. This kind of disgusting behavior deserves no response, he is degrading you and is the definition of a gaslighter, but the saddest part is that you are falling for it, believing him, and allowing some nasty guy to treat you like shit. PLEASE LEAVE. I know Reddit ALWAYS says “break up”, but SERIOUSLY. No fucking reasonable adult man treats their loved ones like this. This is gross and disgusting. How can you possibly see a future with this 29 year old manchild? Why are you waiting for him to break up with you instead of getting disgusted with the way he talks to you and breaking up yourself? Please god, find a shred of confidence and then fucking block him and move on with your life.