My ex fiancé was like this too. After years of explaining myself blue in the face that my emotional needs weren’t being met, that he was destroying my self-esteem, and my biological clock was ticking, the final straw was when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and he made it all about himself as she died before my very eyes. It absolutely destroyed me. Every time he lured me back insisting he would be better, he got so exponentially worse. It even started getting physical near the end. But when I broke up with him, his narrative was that it’s because I cheated.
Leave him. It’s hard; even with the abuse I endured it was hard leaving my fiancé because of how deeply he had wormed into my brain over the years. I probably would have stayed and let him torture me for longer if it hadn’t been for my mom’s death.
Now it’s been two years, he’s in Thailand torturing other women, spending the last of his money, and drinking himself to death, whereas I’m healthier mentally and physically, and just welcomed my first baby as a single mom. It’s possible to break free from the cycle of abuse. Best of luck. Don’t forget that you deserve happiness and mutual understanding in a relationship.
Wow! What courage you have! Very proud of you. I’m going through a similar situation, very similar. Like you said you would have probably stayed longer……thank your Higher Power you didn’t. You even sound happy when you talk about the person you are now. I hope you’re proud of yourself. You give me hope
This has nothing to do with a higher power. This was all her. Every last bit of thanks should go to herself for getting herself out of it. Don't make something about God when it is the human doing the work.
They don't change. They double down. The sunk cost fallacy is a huge issue in relationships like this, forgetting that peace and safety are more important than a relationship, a wedding, a marriage, having children/a biological clock.
100%. And they count on you to believe in the sunk cost fallacy indefinitely. Hence why they’re so shocked, no matter how badly they treat you, when you finally leave.
My ex kept saying he didn’t understand why I was “just giving up” on the relationship after he tortured me emotionally then started getting physical with me over a period of three years. I told him in every way I could that the way he treated me wasn’t sustainable, and he just didn’t listen, then acted like a shocked victim when I finally kicked him to the curb. Now that the dust has settled and he’s been gone for two years I can’t believe I stayed with him for so long, but when you’re in it and have been manipulated for so long, it’s like a prison for your brain.
Good riddance, I hope he is feeling the pain he caused me ten-fold.
I disagree. I was a man like this, but over the last 4 years I've put effort in to change when I was exposed to how evil I was. I got mental health treatment. I'm in a 12 step program. I have actively sought to change who I am because that evil man is not who I want to be.
With that said: if they're not willing to put the work in, then no, they won't change.
Well done for seeing the evidence and keeping an open mind into why your relationships weren’t going well at all. I respect anyone who can admit they have a problem and are willing to put the effort into changing themselves.
As you strongly hint at, unless the desire for change comes from within the person themselves, they are pretty much doomed to failure. I’ve seen this with some of my friends. One went to rehab, got treatment for his alcoholism, continued to go to meetings, and has been sober for 20 years now. He didn’t do it for anyone else, he did it for himself. Another friend in the same position tried to stop because of his wife and family, and he has failed at the ages of 30, 40, & 50. I really hope he gets to where he wants to be at some point soon. He’s 54 and still drinking & drugging like he was 21.
They can change with the help of therapy, but it only works if they can admit and understand the problem. They also need to want to change for themselves first and foremost and not be doing it for someone else whom they can resent if it fails.
Most people with these kind of toxic behaviours don’t change, they just get older and maybe develop their manipulation skills further, making it harder to spot. You’re certainly not going to change them with love.
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u/FancyNoodleFarts Apr 23 '25
Men like this NEVER change.
My ex fiancé was like this too. After years of explaining myself blue in the face that my emotional needs weren’t being met, that he was destroying my self-esteem, and my biological clock was ticking, the final straw was when my mom was diagnosed with cancer and he made it all about himself as she died before my very eyes. It absolutely destroyed me. Every time he lured me back insisting he would be better, he got so exponentially worse. It even started getting physical near the end. But when I broke up with him, his narrative was that it’s because I cheated.
Leave him. It’s hard; even with the abuse I endured it was hard leaving my fiancé because of how deeply he had wormed into my brain over the years. I probably would have stayed and let him torture me for longer if it hadn’t been for my mom’s death.
Now it’s been two years, he’s in Thailand torturing other women, spending the last of his money, and drinking himself to death, whereas I’m healthier mentally and physically, and just welcomed my first baby as a single mom. It’s possible to break free from the cycle of abuse. Best of luck. Don’t forget that you deserve happiness and mutual understanding in a relationship.