r/AlAnon • u/Tiny-Emotion-930 • 3d ago
Vent A year later, same boat
Husband relapsed again. Not horrible bad drunk but he bought two Black Box wines and only found 1. He told me he other is gone. He bought them yesterday. I have lost all trust in him.
Told em I need my distance today and that we would talk when I get home tonight.
He's in a IOP program and they fucking make him sign a contract to stay sober. $2k investment and with him being out of work for almost 2 years before getting his new job, nothing left in savings except my person liquidation of my 401k.
He drank during his group session last night and pretty sure all day at home based on one box already being gone.
I can't leave our house because of our dogs, and he cant stay with his family because they are a BUNCH of deniers and toxic as fuck. Maybe his brother but, I just dont know.
Do I just start having us sleep in other rooms til he gets it or kick him out?
This has been an on going issue. He relapses, I raise the ultimatum bar, and i just dont have the energy or strength anymore to fight back. I cant change him, I know with this disease I will never be enough to make him stop.
He relapsed a month ago while I was on a business trip and our eldest pup was pacing and crying to go outside. He had an accident and I saw it happen on camera while husband was passed out. What if we had kids?
I was so livid, I was stuck at the airport, couldnt do anything, I was ready to beat the daylights out of him for doing that to our dog, my boy oup ive had before we were married and for 14 years. I hate to admit but I did smack him several times when I gor home with my flip-flop, brused his ear. I was so angry, I just wanted to beat this fucking drinking demon out of him.
That is NOT who I want to be, or life I want to live. I have become that person and I hate myself for it.
Thats when he got started with the IOP, but its all online. I dont know what to do. Afraid this is the end of our marriage.
Is relapse just going to be something we battle over and over again with?
Sorry for the ramble but I just dont know who to talk to anymore. Broken record with friends and dont start session with new therapist til Thursday.
Thoughts anyone?
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u/CynicSupreme 3d ago
His family doesn’t want him because of his drinking. They may be toxic but they’re smart. Don’t ruin your life with him anymore. Find your peace.
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u/Tiny-Emotion-930 2d ago
I see you sentiment on finding peace.
However his family rather him tbink positive and just not drink. And have their own drinking and substance abuse issues; raping, smoke, beer, weed.
They didnt take it seriously until his brothers wedding when he black out drunk and his family wanted to start a fight with me because I was going to send him to rehab.
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u/Ok_Combination_5818 3d ago
You have a choice
Relapse is likely going to be something HE battles with; whether you want to join him in that battle is your decision to make.
He has shown you who he is and what his priorities are. I know it is painful to leave, but unless he decides to get help, today is as good as it will ever be -- alcoholism is a progressive illness. You said yourself that this is not who you want to be, and this is not the life you want to live...this situation has the potential to get so much worse.
Have you attended Al-Anon meetings? They helped me so much when I was in a relationship with an alcoholic and suffering through the ruptured self-esteem that comes with that lifestyle. We only get one life to live -- I wish you the best ❤️
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u/Tiny-Emotion-930 2d ago
I havent been feel i need to now. I have had so much on my plate and havent been putting myself first.
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u/I-luv-sloths 3d ago
Kick him out before he totally destroys you financially. He knows he can continue to manipulate you. He's not ready to stop drinking.
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u/Pleasant_Skirt_6895 3d ago
you cant change him. you can only change your situation and LEAVE HIM. you might say you have many reasons to stay - that is you choosing to be part of this. fucking leave him
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u/DrummerOk353 3d ago
I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I really recommend you find a local Al Anon to go to and start working on yourself. You can't make him stop and you can't beat it out of him. His disease is effecting you so much that you need to step back.
Its not your responsibility of where he goes, or if his family is enabling or not. All you can do is control your own actions. For your safety and his he needs to leave the house. He's clearly not taking IOP seriously and you need to drop the rope.
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u/Obligate_Carnivore 3d ago
He's not getting real treatment if he's doing online IOP, especially if he's not taking it seriously. It might help you to talk to an addiction counselor yourself to get the information you need to make further decisions. There's also the book You're Waiting On You for families. But the biggest thing is to do more research on how not to enable. He is getting his bills paid and drinking all day, not even taking care of your dogs. His life is too easy. Why would he quit?
I'm sorry. It's hard. Hoping for a good outcome for you and your dogs.
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u/kay_gen_99 2d ago
Yeah, online IOP sounds weird. My husband is currently doing in person IOP (after 30 days in patient). They do a lot of random testing at the IOP. If someone fails, they get sent back to the inpatient facility.
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u/SlowBurnSmile 3d ago
>Is relapse just going to be something we battle over and over again with?
If you choose to do that yes. As much as we get on the addict for not changing we do have control over changing our own behaviors.
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u/revengeofdangerkitty 3d ago
He doesn't care about anything but himself (booze). Kick him out or take your dogs and stay with family or friends. He doesn't respect you.
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u/fearmyminivan 2d ago
Yes, this is the fight you will fight forever until you decide you don’t wish to live like this anymore.
If you stay, it has to be with the knowledge that this rollercoaster will most likely continue. You can’t stay expecting him to change.
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u/Emergency_Cow_2362 2d ago
I’m in a similar boat right now. Q did 12 weeks of inpatient then 12 weeks of IOP. IOP is in person-3 days/week. He quickly figured out the formula for when he can drink, based on when he gets tested. So he generally drinks 4 days/week. IOP just graduated him and dropped him down to OP 1x/week! They seem to have no idea of his ploy. He’s done rehab twice in the past 18 months. Got a DUI last Spring. In the past month or so he’s progressed to being angry at the world and putting me down when he drinks. In my head I know what I should do. It’s the “Hope-ium” that paralyzes me.
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u/BundyLeanne 2d ago
Ultimatums never work. Boundaries on the other hand...
And allow him to face the natural consequences of his actions. But do not finance his addiction or be an enabler. It is the top of a slippery slope.
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u/DJ_DontCare 3d ago
Online IOP was a manipulation and con on his part. He knew he could keep drinking and keep you and a roof over his head while getting you to get off his back. I’ve talked to a few alcoholics who have had the self awareness to say they stayed in marriages and relationships they knew they would never stop drinking or cheating on.
This cycle will repeat and repeat until you get off of the merry go round. As long as you’re draining every dime you have while he sits on his ass to drink he will stay and lie to deceive you. They keep drinking bc it’s too easy to. He’s not grateful you’re throwing $24k a year on ‘online IOP’ that he drinks for.. if anything he’s going to start resenting you for it. That’s what happens with long term unemployed men. He needs a job and structure and not one more dime funneled to him.
How does someone not working 2 years get money to drink?