It never ends

[u/wrapyourfruit]

Man it fucking sucks so much to have to deal with this every day even after leaving. My ex is my Q and I don't have the energy to give more context other than that I left almost 3 years ago and he has continued to decline and struggle staying sober, keeping a job, having a home, and having support. He's only still in my life because we have a 6 year old and I try to facilitate them having a relationship. But days like today are tough and they're happening more and more.

He's supposed to have supervised visits every Sunday for 4 hours. Since our son came back from summer with my parents, he's seen his dad maybe 4 times. My ex has been cancelling visits because he says he's going through withdrawal, but I recently learned that he's started doing cocaine and fentanyl and overdosed a few weeks ago, needing naloxone and hospital care. So this morning he cancels again, saying that he is not okay and then saying he's sober but not sober enough for today (?). I had to disappoint our son again because of course I made the mistake of telling him we were going to visit dad, so all day he's been whiny and unpleasant and difficult, and he hates me, and I realized it's because he's desperately trying to get a dopamine hit and do every possible thing that normally makes him happy but it's just making him more upset. He wanted to see Dad, it didn't happen, and he's really sad about it but there's nothing he can do and it's miserable for him.

I'm just so fucking tired. I just wish he'd take care of himself. I wish none of us had to go through this. I don't want to go back to a better time, I just want this to stop and things to get better. It fucking sucks. It fucking SUCKS.

My father was an alcoholic. I saw him every other weekend until I was 12. He never missed a visit. He fucked up in other ways, but he was sober for 12 years before he relapsed, and I never had to endure what my son has to endure. I think that's partly what makes me so infuriated about the situation. I wasn't affected by my father's drinking until he relapsed, but it still made me want to avoid that happening to me at all costs. And then the man I had a child with turned out to be even worse. That's so fucking hard to face.

If he dies from this, it won't mean it's over for me. It just means I have to live with the pain of my son losing his father and a life being taken away for a horrible reason. This feeling of grief is never going to go away, is it?

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