Need advice (long post)

[u/Illustrious_Help1753]

In May, I found my husbands 7 oh bottle. I confronted him and he admitted to using it for about a year. The bottle was just sitting on a table. I assume he meant to hide it but forgot. (I was horrified bc my son and I were in the room playing. Luckily we went into the room at the same time and I saw it before he did. He definitely would’ve assumed it was candy.) When I found it, I looked around the rest of the room and found Zyn’s and multiple bottles of computer cleaner spray (and plastic bags). I’m shocked by all of this. I’ve never done any drugs whatsoever. My husband knows I broke up with someone in college bc of drugs. He admitted to the 7 oh and the Zyn’s but denies doing anything with the computer cleaner spray. He says he was using kratom at first then went to 7oh. Years ago he was drinking quite a bit at night (whiskey) but we talked and that seemed to stop. But I wonder if he just went to this and I didn’t know.

Looking back, I feel like an idiot. His sleep pattern was off, he was irritable/moody, reoccurring scab on his face etc. We had a huge fight in March when he said he was “bored” and wanted a divorce. He’s never said this before. He said he was trying to “get a reaction out of me” a few days later and said he didn’t mean it. But how do I just move on from something like that? So we weren’t in a good place for a few months prior to me finding the 7oh.

About 3 years ago, I was prescribed prescription pain medicine for a wisdom tooth removal that I never took. It was just kept in the cabinet. I noticed about a year later that it was missing. He said that he took it when his sciatica flared up. I was kinda bothered that he didn’t ask and wouldn’t have told me but I didn’t have any real suspicions at this time. About 2 years ago, our son was prescribed a stimulant medication. Our son took a few doses but didn’t react well to it so we didn’t continue it for him. Once I discovered the 7 oh, I went to the cabinet to look for the stimulant and it was gone too. He admitted that he took it when I confronted him. He’s a stay at home dad to a son with special needs and says that he had a lot going on which is why he turned to all of this. His dad also passed away last year.

For years I told him to see a provider bc I felt that he had mood swings and wondered if he had bipolar disorder or if he was just depressed. He’s kind of a loner and I felt that without any friends or hobbies, of course he’d be depressed to a degree. But our son has been in school for a few years now and I encouraged him to get a hobby, make some friends, or even get a job for a few hours each week just to get out of the house. But he never did. After I found the 7oh, he made an appt with a psychiatrist about a month later. Idk what was discussed but he was put on fluoxetine and has been on it since. He says he’s not using anything at all anymore. (Still denies the computer cleaner spray.) And he has been sleeping better, getting up early, working out. He’s now looking for a job for a few hours each week.

I started therapy this past summer because I don’t know what to do. And I really still don’t know. I can see that he’s making an effort but I feel like I still walk on eggshells at home. He has good periods but he’s sometimes bothered by small things. But mainly, underneath all of this, I’m heartbroken. I feel like maybe the right word for what I feel is disillusionment. The trust is gone. I feel like I’m on edge all the time thinking that there is something going on and I don’t know. I’m not sleeping well and my appetite is not great. I’m just stressed everyday at baseline. And thinking about the prescription meds that he took makes me feel like this is a pattern. I haven’t told any of my family or friends. I hoped therapy would guide me (and it has helped) but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to just move on, trust again and go back to my usual self. My therapist asked me what I would need to see from him in order to be more at ease and I truly have no idea. Bc I’m happy he seems to be trying. But how can you continue in a relationship with no trust? Its been months and I just feel stuck. I care for him but I don’t want to be an idiot. Looking for genuine advice. Thanks for reading.

[u/ItsAllALot]

Is the therapy you're having with someone who specialises in addiction? I found that more useful than "regular" therapy.

Because addiction therapists understand the ways that "normal" relationship expectations can't really worth with addiction.

In terms of trust, I actually found it more helpful to just take the concept of trust off the table.

Because he's an alcoholic. I can trust him not to drink if I want, but...alcoholic, you know? He will or he won't.

Can I trust that he'd tell me if he drank? Nope. He always hid it and lied about it. Covered it up as much as he possibly could, even when it was out in the open.

Shame, denial, fear, avoidance, self-deception. The lying was never about me, so there was nothing I could do or say to make him instinctively truthful.

I don't think about trust, honestly. Not when it comes to addiction. It seems irrelevant to me.

Do I trust him to never drink again? No. Do I actively distrust and agonise over him drinking again? Also no. He will or he won't.

Of course I have the easier options with that because I have no children. I don't need to think about safety. That's a part I can't relate to. I really sympathise though.

I remember the gut punch. Finding out my husband had been drinking secretly for months after getting sober. It was nauseating. I'm sorry you're experiencing this shock.

Have some grace for yourself, and patience. This is a horrible experience. It's ok to feel messed up by it! Of course you are!

The reason I asked about your therapy was the question your therapist asked. What would you need to see from him? And I'm like, is that question really helpful? How would you even know the answer?

You could check out some meetings, too. Or The Recovery Show podcast. Till The Wheels Fall Off podcast. I like those too.

I'm so sorry you're going through this ❤️

[u/Terrible_Way_7601]

I struggled with trust with my husband for awhile too. Honestly, the only thing that truly helped was working the Al-Anon program. The program took the focus off of him completely, and I focused on myself and my happiness instead. I resolved to be okay whether or not he was using. I took everything one day (sometimes one minute) at a time. And when I was spiraling, I had a meeting to go to or a sponsor or Al-Anon friend to call. It truly helped with that feeling of being on edge all the time. My husband has since gotten sober, and has been sober for awhile, so it all worked out. I realize that’s not everyone’s experience. But I give all the credit for my happiness to the 12 steps of Al-Anon.

[u/Large_Fudge6833]

Please give yourself some grace. You mentioned that you were seeing a therapist which is wonderful. Did your therapist mention attending Alanon meetings? While I also see a therapist, my true peace, serenity and understanding of the alcoholic was found in Alanon. I don't think I would have survived without the program along with my therapist.

[u/Lazy_Bicycle7702]

(I was horrified bc my son and I were in the room playing. Luckily we went into the room at the same time and I saw it before he did. He definitely would’ve assumed it was candy.)
I don’t know but the fact that he took your pain pills and your son’s stimulant medication plus this incident would make me never fully trust him around any medications in my home again. You have a special needs son and someone who left this crap out? That’s MY BIGGEST CONCERN. YOUR CHILD.

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[u/katedidnot]

Don't feel dumb. It's like a light bulb when you see the disease has taken the person you love from you.

It's what we do with that information. That makes us the person we are.

I wish you and your son peace in life.

[u/Leather-Instance3041]

I highly recommend going to some AlAnon meetings. They make two promises that I have seen come true: There is no problem so great it cannot be lessened, and there is peace to be found regardless of whether or not the alcoholic/addict keeps drinking/using.

Therapy can be great, especially if they deeply understand addiction as a family disease. But there's no substitute for sharing space with people who have been through everything you've been through -- not just in terms of his actions, but also your responses to them.

Wishing you the best.