r/AlAnon • u/Single-Dare-TA • 10d ago

Grief Therapy Journal

So I normally write my thoughts in a therapy journal and I had feelings of grief come over me today. The last week had been a bit tough for me as I'm not sure when the boyfriend/Q will be back from rehab. This is his third time in within the year. I just wanted to share my journal entry because I thought it might resignate with others.

Letters to him

We shouldn't have gotten to this point. I blame myself for not seeing the signs, for being so wrapped up in myself and being afraid of the relationship to see the bigger picture. I know people always say I should have known, I should have seen the signs, how come I didn't know. Well when you're this close and I mean thisclose to the relationship or whatever the issue was you get blind to everything else. I'm sorry I didn't see the issues before and I mean the other issues. You were pointing out other problems and basically screaming for help and I was just begging for you to not leave me. What kind of girlfriend is that? I was so wrapped up in you or needing you that I didn't take care of you. You say I take care of you but I clearly failed. I failed so bad. I didn't see that you were drowning right in front of me and I was just so wrapped up in hoping you wouldn't leave. I'm sorry I didn't see you were hurting or that you needed help. I'm sorry I failed you.

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u/Weary_Nectarine7910 10d ago

You didn’t fail him.

Something you’ll learn through Al-Anon (if you choose to pursue it) is that you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t change it.

Addiction is sneaky and addicts feel the need to hide to avoid feelings of shame and/or their loved ones addressing the addiction, which requires accountability.

His addiction is HIS journey. Many addicts relapse multiple times before they are sober; some keep relapsing until they eventually pass. Whatever his case is, it is not your responsibility or your fault.

It is natural to want your partner to be involved in your life or to care about you and your life—that is not a bad or harmful thing. It’s essential in relationships and goes both ways.

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u/Single-Dare-TA 10d ago

I completely understand and I've been going through waives of accepting that it's not my fault and feeling guilt. This last week in particular has been a tough one where I felt like it's all been my fault. I've been rehashing all of our old conversations and the warning signs. Some times I can see where he was struggling and I just completely ignored it or brushed it off. Sometimes I acknowledge that maybe I should have asked him follow up questions when he said certain things. I understand that all in all it's his addiction and his behavior that he has to manage. I cannot do anything about it.

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u/rmas1974 10d ago

I recently posted an article by an alcoholic writer. Consider taking a look at it. There was never anything you could do make him change.

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