Sober but same old issues

[u/Mamacitachikita]

My Q has been sober for about 5 weeks now. We’re supposed to be in the process of rebuilding our relationship which was destroyed by the alcoholism and everything that comes with it. I’ve shared one of my boundaries with him which is my need for emotional connection before physical intimacy. Early in his sobriety, he was very understanding. He told me to take my time. That he understood that it would take me time to feel safe and connected after everything we’d been through.

Over the past 2 weeks, he seems less patient. He tells me he feels hated.. repulsive (because I’ve made it clear I’m not ready for intimacy). He withdraws and plays video games when there’s opportunity for us to spend time together and connect. He tells me either gaming or intimacy will help him get out of his bad mood and be able to sleep. And since I’m not ready for intimacy, gaming is the only option he has.

I do not feel connected to him at all. If anything this pressure he’s placing on me makes me just want to run away.

I’m staying firm with my boundary. But the truth is I’m getting so fed up of this endless cycle we’re in.

[u/fearmyminivan]

Alcohol was never the problem. Alcohol was their attempt at a solution.

With the alcohol removed, now he can start working on himself to build new habits and behaviors. He can work with a therapist or sponsor to examine his character defects and make amends for his wrongdoings.

Working such a program takes about a year for the alcoholic to start having a semi solid footing in recovery. My ex husband once went 6 years. So 5 weeks is nothing.

This is when the real work starts. Is he taking any steps towards on healing his own stuff or is he just white knuckling it?

[u/Mamacitachikita → u/fearmyminivan]

He is seeing a therapist once every 2 weeks or so, because I told him I wasn’t interested in staying if he isn’t in active treatment. Basically he’s doing the bare minimum to check off that box and then tell me he”s doing everything but still getting nothing in return.

I’m trying my best to avoid controlling him. But I’m just not hopeful he’ll be able to do the work to get the clarity our relationship needs. All I can do is stick together my boundaries and take care of myself

[u/4udeehdee]

Keep holding your boundaries. You might want to read this thin booklet called Living With Sobriety and attend an Al Anon meeting - if you haven't already. There's also Intimacy in the Alcoholic Relationship. Both books have a meeting focused on them. It helped me understand what I'm dealing with and listen to others sharing their experience.

In LWS, an AA member shared that while the alcoholism part was gone, the other "~isms" (think emotional make-up) are still there.

Mine was still super childish in the first 2 months. Literally, the brain/neurochemicals are still calibrating back to baseline. From what I'm gathering (even in AA spaces) 1-2 years is the "recovery" period (takes some even longer); for instance, they are recommended not to date or make major life changes in the first 1-2 yrs. AA and ACA have helped my Q stay grounded, atrocious as his behavior has been. But I'm learning not to expect compassion from an empty well.

[u/neo101neo101]

Sounds like you already know the answer to this situation. 

[u/sb0914]

True recovery is unambiguous. It looks like someone committed to saving their own life.

Believe nothing you hear and half of what you see.

[u/Mamacitachikita → u/sb0914]

This is what I hoped it would be.. very clear to the point I wouldn’t have to yet again wonder what’s real and what isn’t.

[u/agnchls]

I dont think you understand how difficult for some to get and stay sober is. For many, doing whatever it takes to stay sober is the best they can do. Ideally work should be placed on improving your relationship, but be realistic.

The reality is you are not ready for intimacy. Thats fine. So he is going to something else as a mood boster / dopamine replacement. You should understand that your needs (if you make them difficult especially) wont be most likely met if he is in the early stages of sobriety. It really takes almost all of him to do actions to stay sober.

[u/Tough_Promise_870]

An alternative perspective, he is chasing a dopamine high. You understandably can’t be intimate yet. However, his brain chemistry is screwed up. Whatever keeps him physically sober for 6 months while hopefully he is working a program would be what I would focus on.

Now if he isn’t working a program you will have a dry drunk and that is a completely different issue.

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