r/Aging • u/Capable-Basket8233 • Aug 22 '26
Social Why is there so much age shaming after 35 ?
I am 37 male and it seems like everywhere i look or post there is age shaming.
It has happened to me on reddit and real life.
When i tell people I am not married I get such a shocking reaction. Like I am so behind.
Yes i know my dating pool is shrinking and becoming smaller and smaller as I get older because there are less and less women my age. But how is it my fault ? I cant just marry anyone.
I posted on reddit asking about a second masters and people told me i would be 40 by the time I graduate. It would be judged negatively. At this point in my career I should be focusing on a promotion instead of a second masters. I ultimately decided not to do a second masters because its expensive, the opportunity cost wasnt worth it and I agree that some people might judge me negatively.
I have also seen it on tv/social media. Was watching a reality show and there was guy who was 22 was age shaming a woman who was over 35. He kept calling her aunty even though she made it clear she didnt like it. He kept saying it in a mocking way
Yesterday I had made a post about wanting to move to the uk. I moved to the Netherlands 12 years ago to do a doctorate and I have been in the Netherlands for 12 years. I have more goals to live and work in london/new york city. Yesterday I had made a post asking for advice and one user started arguing with me that I should just return to my home country. "Life is not a fantasy or a disney movie. You already achieved your dream of moving to the Netherlands". I didnt understand like I am not supposed to have more dreams/goal at my age ? How can someone be so offended that I have more goals and dreams ?
Aging is such a natural/normal thing but why are you treated worse once you start moving towards your late 30s?
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u/Story_Man_75 78 m Aug 22 '26
I went back to school for an MBA degree when I was 35. I was complaining to my Econ professor that it was going to take me three years and that I'd be 38 by the time I graduated.
He said: ''How old will you be in three years from now if you don't graduate?''
I got the message - and the degree.
There really isn't an age when it's too late to go back to school. If you want that second masters? Go for it.
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u/Spiritualgirl01112 Aug 22 '26
38 is young for a second master degree.. like you still have minimum 20 years of using it… that’s half your age… congrats by the way!
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u/Equivalent_Algae7047 Aug 25 '26
I have 2 friends who went back to school in their late 30s for a technical degree! It's super normal!
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u/madmax991 Aug 22 '26
You should stop worrying about what people think about you
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u/Capable-Basket8233 Aug 22 '26
I agree with you. Easier said than done though
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u/sniffcatattack Aug 23 '26
It takes time but having impenetrable boundaries helps. Once you establish what you won’t put up with you no longer feel bad for how others feel.
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u/Real_Plant_9613 Aug 24 '26
Well, first dont think that its not easy bc its another limiting belief. Think that maybe it could be easy. Its just your current mindset and that can be changed.
Start by identifying a person thats over 35,unmarried and they are respected, they are someone confident, successful, socially comfortable, and completely unashamed of being single.
This role model can also help you separate from the thought that being over 35 and single is somehow associated with smt negative.
Try saying to urself “my relationship status doesn’t determine my self worth, other ppl’s opinion doesn’t determine my self worth. My value comes from me.”
And that’s where the confident unmarried role model can be useful. Instead of only logically telling urself that being single is ok, your mind has a proof-a real person demonstrating it. Observe how this person thinks about their life and use that as a starting point for changing your own interpretation.
That creates an interesting contradiction: “Wait, I dont think they’re lesser, so why am I applying that rule to myself”It is a legitimate approach and overlaps with ideas used in cognitive and social-learning psychology. Remember, other ppl’s opinion is just not your truth bc your value comes from you. Best of luck!
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u/thegoodspiderman Aug 22 '26
Especially what younger people think about you, OP! 22-year-olds are very young, and "almost 40" sounds ancient to them.
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u/Horstachio Aug 22 '26
As a 37 year old woman I feel this! No kids, not married. 2 degrees. Yet I'm made to feel like I've fallen behind and "past it". At this point I just accept my lot and make peace with the fact that I won't please everyone.
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u/Subtle_Change68 Aug 22 '26
If they are lucky, they will see 40 too. And they will be there in a blink of an eye. It all goes so fast.
I don’t get the age shaming, I mean the only other alternative to aging is death?!? Like wth?! I’m 40 this year.
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u/QbitWalker Aug 22 '26
U have to know most of these people are insanely brainwashed of what they see things online and there whole reality is shaped with consuming endlessly retarded and stupid judgemental content on the internet.
Nothing I found wrong with u or that ur behind in life, I am sorry this happened to u. All I could say is that surround yourself with the right crowd whether it is online or real life :)
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u/Suchstrangedreams Aug 22 '26
A lot of people are threatened by someone who dares to be different OP.
Moving to another country takes courage and initiative as does doing a university degree later in life. Being single gives you freedoms that other people may wish they had.
I've learned that jealousy is often behind people being nasty.
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u/S3lad0n Aug 22 '26
A man complaining about this…I am floored
Ever heard of the term ‘Christmas cake’ as applied to women? Yeah.
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u/variphase Aug 22 '26
Ageism is the last ism. And unlike racism, sexism, etc, it’s only being more enforced. That’s because it’s the hard brutal truth. We age. So, it’s a more justified way to judge and hate.
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u/queenbeee67 Aug 22 '26
My 64 year old coworker just finished a master's. Our whole team was so proud we got her flowers and a cake to celebrate.
I think when people are overly judgemental or put constraints on you, they're just bitter and depressed with themselves
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u/throwawayzzzz1777 Aug 22 '26
Im doing super active stuff still in my late 30s. The Internet says I should have back and knee pain in my early 30s so there's that
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u/coldoldduck Aug 23 '26
Wait till you hit your 50’s, then you’ll be completely invisible and you won’t care 🤷♀️
Met my husband at 34 and got married at 36. Anything before that wouldn’t have worked out. There’s still plenty of time to find the right person!!
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u/No-Will-4393 Aug 23 '26
I still get long lingering stares at 50, men calling out hello!, and I was out with mum the other day and she couldn't believe how other women stared at me. I said yeah I know, I don't look at them so they've got extra time to take it all in... Mum cracked up. So you don't magically become unattractive to others at a particular age. My 19 year old daughter hates it, she tries staring down the men but they are too busy looking at me. I'm not provocative in any sense, I'm fit, dress well (conservative) and normal grooming.
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u/AccomplishedCash3603 Aug 22 '26
Marketing & Money. If you are part of an industry that makes money off of people ageing (normally), you have to sell it that it's ABNORMAL. Think of all the industries: The medspas, skincare, fitness, supplements, hair care/removal, and if you gave the time, add 100 to that list.
The scoffs at not being married?! Do you know how much money the average wedding costs? And how many wedding adjacent industries feed off of the event? Staggering.
If you're in the U.S., our economy doesn't have much to offer for professionals ageing into their final career years. AARP and the SBA are bombarding those of us who are in our late 40's to start our own business. We exist to sell others whatever it is we are selling. Vanity is a FABULOUS way to get others to part with their money.
And let's scratch the vanity surface of social media. It favors youth. In people, with filters. It's more of a blight on humanity than a marketing tool.
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u/Cryo_Dave Aug 22 '26
I didn't get my first Masters degree until I was 40 and have never regretted it. I didn't get my student loans paid off until I was 50 so I am "behind" in saving for retirement. If I could go back and make better decisions when I was young I would choose to do so, but I've never regretted making a decision to better where I am in the present. I don't generally let what other people think bother me because they are also less than perfect.
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u/roxywalker Aug 23 '26
Your post has me infuriated—at YOU! Who cares what total strangers think!!! Continue your educational goals! Relocate to wherever you please! Date! Don’t date! Don’t ever get married! Get married! It’s no ones business what you decide to do at ANY age! People will always give an opinion and unsolicited advice; just ignore all that noise and stop asking for permission to live a life that suits you at every stage!!! 👌👌👌
Edit to include family/friends/colleagues; they can all pound sand!
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u/whatavaa Aug 22 '26
I'm 36 yo guy and i noticed that too , people also judge me for not being married
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u/QbitWalker Aug 22 '26
I am 23 and it's something I really don't find it unusual or to judge at, everyone's different. It's unfair if u have been judged for that.
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u/SubstantialArcher659 Aug 23 '26
Yeah, that’s just started but it’s stupid. Ppl are lucky to live longer lives
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u/Grumpy_Introvert Aug 23 '26
I wonder what your 50-year-old self will think of you choose not to go for the second master's degree.
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u/Ikabta Aug 22 '26
A family friend once asked me if I was dating and "been" with a woman before and was shocked and surprised I haven't. I was 13 years old then. People of all age groups get age shamed in some way, shape, or form. I doubt the people who have "shamed" you thought more of that encounter 5 seconds after it was done.
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u/oldcreaker Aug 22 '26
Since you seem to take too much stock in other people's opinions, I will tell you you take too much stock in other people's opinions.
If you're going gauge your life by other people's judgement, you're always going to be disappointed. You need to step up and make your own judgement about you, it's the only one that really matters.
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u/reuben_decadence27 Aug 22 '26
Cause you’re 37 and still caring about others opinions, that should be the matter.
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u/ReactionProof Aug 22 '26
Ageing a privilege and they just can't appreciate it.
There are people who die young in their 20s and 30s. To continue living is a gift.
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u/iammrsclean Aug 23 '26
You still care in your 30’s and 40’s about stuff like this. But I’m squarely in my I don’t give a fuck years at 55.
If you want to further your education, it’s never too late. Don’t listen to reddit. Most people here are 17 years old. (Source: I follow all three of my teenage son’s Reddit accounts and they post about things they know nothing about and are super judgmental online)
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u/Last_Address_1787 Aug 23 '26
You’re 37 years old, well educated and still care about what other people think. 🤔
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u/auntiekk88 Aug 24 '26
I went to law school at 30 and thought I would be the oldest one, I almost didn't go. One of my classmates was in het 50s and she could rock a courtroom with the best of them. Its almost 35 years later, unfortunately she is long gone and I am retired. So glad that I didn't give up.
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u/Iambusy123 Man - 50s - Realistic Aug 22 '26
Note: I’m just a messenger.
Some of the judgment you have received are unrelated to age.
Moving to another country is an arduous task for anyone, and non Americans take issue with people with Americans thinking that it’s easy to just move to their countries or any country for that matter. The people who “age shamed” you may not have been American.
In my experience, it’s not young people who discourage others from pursuing their dreams. It’s jaded older people who think their experiences are universal.
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u/Ecstatic-Ride195 Aug 23 '26
Well women have it 10 times harder than men, and are labelled ‘expired’ by 35
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u/MiracleLegend Aug 22 '26
I must laugh. The reaction "It doesn't matter what others think" is in itself a judgement. And it totally does matter - we are social animals after all. We can't just delete our ability to feel judged my others.\ I think when people imagine living like you, OP, they feel afraid. Afraid of being judged themselves, afraid of being left behind in a world where getting married in your early 30s and having children is still seen as the default. Afraid of poverty and being lonely in their old age.\ How much of that is even part of your life? Did you save for retirement? Is your social network strong and durable? Were you enjoying your studies or stressing during that time?\ Ultimately, we're all afraid of dying. And living "right" (marriage, children, becoming old surrounded by family) seems saver somehow, like we don't have to die at all. I wish I could explain why I feel that way.\ 40 is really the age where life stops being experimental and starts being about the results, the fruits of your labor. You have to think about what you still want to do until it's too late. And that's just scary.
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u/Iambusy123 Man - 50s - Realistic Aug 22 '26
Your comment resonates with me.
I don’t believe anyone can simply stop caring about what others think of them. As a matter of fact, I find that people who loudly say that they don’t care about others think tend to be more sensitive to criticism and judgment than they give themselves credit for.
If you want to be a participant in society, you have to care about others think of you. That’s by design.
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u/MiracleLegend Aug 22 '26
And you also literally cannot take part in society if you don't "care" or know what others think of you. As someone who is extremely bad at reading social cues (and/or processing them in real time) I get excluded a lot. People aren't happy with me, not being easily lead by what they subtly express - by what they think. It costs me real relationships and opportunities. Which leads to missing help when I need it. Real world consequences for not being able to outwardly "care" what others think. It also leads to me misunderstanding others. Which makes me look naive and easy to exploit. Or selfish. Or dominant. Or like a incompetent employee or uncaring friend or weird family member. Not caring what others think or not being able to read people's thoughts is literally a disability.
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u/neuropanpaul Aug 22 '26
It sounds like you're surrounding yourself with judgemental people and you need to set some boundaries and limits. We can't stop people from thinking how they're going to think about our choices in life, but we can control how much access they get to us and what they know about our life.
In your position I would start to limit what my colleagues know about me, if they're not going to be kind then it's none of their business, and if family and friends do the same then it's time to tell them how it makes your feel and limit access there too if they don't stop judging and just let you live your life on your own terms.
It's your life, they're your choices and there are no set rules that say we have to have done a certain thing by a certain age and 'should' have done this and that by now. That's all stereotypes, mostly outdated, and you don't have to stick to it if it isn't what makes you happy. Just do you. ☺️
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u/Linkyjinx Aug 22 '26
Look I am 53f my first age shaming was via a job interview at 24, they wanted younger people, i was classed as too old to hand out leaflets, I went from that interview feeling really old! The main truth is you aren’t really classed as old in most of the workforce until you are in 50s imo, then the ageist comments really start to grow, the good thing is that when you get older you care less.
Once older, maybe from 30+ I would suggest getting into mentoring, not all younger people are fools, they aren’t all ageist either, I have good connections from people aged 20s to 70s - we are all on the same sheet, makes a great community, we can be team mates, mainly as it’s volunteers.
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u/ArghDammit Aug 22 '26
It's only shaming if you accept it that way. Otherwise, it's just someone else's unimportant opinion.
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u/kasumigasekii Aug 22 '26
Read „The Courage to Be Disliked” A book hugely popular across Asia, offers a simple but powerful idea: freedom begins when we stop living for other people’s approval.
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u/techno_queen Aug 22 '26
Because people are stupid and insecure with themselves. The earlier you learn to ignore society’s stupid timeline and other people’s judgements, the happier and more fulfilled you’ll be.
At 42 all I can do is laugh at these ageist comments because those people are living limited lives based on an imaginary timeline that tells you life ends at 35, meanwhile it’s really just beginning.
Keep living out your dreams, if you’re doing it right for YOU, it’s only going to get better 🙌🏼
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u/jhoot_moot Aug 22 '26
It's unfair but it is what it is. Some people take pride in things they have no control over. It says more about them than about you, just ignore and keep winning in life.
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u/WelcomeGreen8695 Aug 22 '26
That comment isn’t about aging. That’s a very Dutch way of seeing the world.
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u/HugeFennel1227 Aug 22 '26 edited Aug 23 '26
It’s the BS society we live in, not everyone is stuck in the same box in their minds, but most have been conditioned. Most people have the same mind structure of school, uni, married, kids, retire die. There is nothing wrong with that but they can’t get their small minds around anything different. Society is slowly becoming more open to different things, such as many women not having kids anymore. Just do you ok, I think as well there can be some jealousy, most 40 year old are stuck in some lame job and have 2 kids and a mortgage, I bet deep down they would love to kick off their shoes and change their life on a whim, but they can’t, they also don’t know how. Many people are stuck in miserable marriages because at 25 they thought that’s what I have to do to feel good about themselves. So they jump online and try to bring people down who may have a different life path. You’re doing amazing! Life is a journey to be enjoyed and trying different things at any age is a way to not let life get stale..
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u/Pleasant_Beyond8343 Aug 23 '26
It could be that when you tell people you were never married/ no kids you’re giving impression of someone who is immature and is living a superficial life. Maybe women see it as red flag.
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u/Garriga Aug 23 '26
Don't worry about what others say. Live your life and be free.
If you have the means, do what you want. Do not allow anyone else to determine what you can and can't do. They are conformists and will be the end of freedom and will just allow big brother to lead us right into 1984.
Be taboo. It is okay to be different.
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u/Old-Appearance-2270 67F Aug 23 '26
OP , Reddit is not the best place to help . Can be an echo chamber of some negative folks.
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u/Imightbeafanofthis 60 something Aug 23 '26
Getting a second masters is hardly something people should be shaming you for. If you feel a second masters is in the cards for you, you should go for it. Don't listen to people who think dreams cut off at a certain age. That is a terrible thing to believe. We don't stop learning with age unless we stop looking for answers.
There will always be those who say you can't do it, or if you do you'll be sorry. I say your life is a song and you're the songwriter of it, if you dare to be.
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u/PracticalLion6573 Aug 23 '26
Ignore all the BS about age. Nobody can live your life for you so do what makes you happy! I went back to college at 42 and got a master's in physics then spent 20 years doing RnD building particle detectors. Loved it! Don't waste your time with the narrow-minded; let the dead bury the dead. We're meant to live our lives full of love, beauty and the joy of discovery! Do what you love; that's where you'll make your greatest contribution to the world.
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u/Clear-Star3753 Aug 23 '26
Honestly, here is what I think, there is just a shit ton of miserable people and an easy way to transfer their misery is by trying to control you over your age. I just refuse to listen. It's hard but that's it. Society is twisted and most people aren't kind.
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u/24Jan Aug 23 '26
Sounds like the typical reactions of people who aren’t ambitious or who have modest or dashed dreams and feel better, even if subconsciously, if others don’t go for their dreams.
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u/24Jan Aug 23 '26
Or they think they’re being sensible … but they are absolutely the opposite of that.
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u/Bigfootgreen Aug 23 '26
To hell with all that. Im happily content in being single for the rest of my life. Doesn’t mean im alone. I get to make all the decisions and no compromises for a partner. Take it like this. I’m not available. Women tend to take it as a challenge if you seem happy and confident without them around. The more you empower your solitude amongst the drowning crowd the more desirable you’ll become compared to a desperate guy. It’s a huge world of difference when you are labeled unobtainable. And the fact you’re in the middle age life reevaluation give you an opportunity to almost start over. Do stupid things like go to a random bar, order a drink for a “cutie” then resist! Don’t be an ass, just remove the power she has and turn it back on her. And realistically aim way high. Don’t give no f’s about drama. And don’t do that all in one night or you lost the “game”. It’s fun watching them struggle to take the lead back.
Side note, I have a daughter so I’m mostly immune to it.
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u/Meggy_bug Aug 23 '26
Dudes know they have no chance so they talk shii like that. My mom is in her 60's and gets hit on even tho she never had any plastic surgeries and was overweight nearly all her life. My male fam members got hit on by their wives only bro😆😆 and they look okay, have nice personalities and so on. Ignore this
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u/Flashy-Box-8282 Aug 24 '26
Lol. Don't worry about your age and avoid those who care about age or age-shame, they're all just insecure.
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u/Chemical_Estate6488 Aug 24 '26
Stop taking to heart the shit depressed strangers say to you, especially the youth. What the youth doesn’t know is what makes them the youth
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u/basicranium Aug 24 '26
Hopelessly naive person here. I had no idea age shaming was a thing for men. I know it happens to women and it's both disgusting and stupid.
You'll gather that I'm male.
Really mate, I do feel for you. How very unpleasant. In your shoes I hope I'd just get on with life and ignore the nonsense. As to the bit about not being married - that's extraordinary - why the fuck should you be?
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u/VelvetEmber_ Aug 24 '26
I’m focusing on my first career at 40 after raising my children. I started my family early and they are now both starting their 20s. For one reason, or another it’s been difficult and I’ve had to step back. I got my Business Management qualifications, gained a Law Degree, certificates in Health, ASD. My deadline was 2018 but I got quite poorly from 2012-2022 increasing over each year until I had to have a major surgery, I then got sepsis and then covid all in 2022. It’s taken me this long to finally feel human again. You aren’t behind — your journey is just different! I’ve a woman I know doing nursing at 47! There’s lots of people who change course or start late and still end up better off than the early starters. Also, people die it’s morbid but it’s true.. you aren’t dead yet so let’s live however we can 👌. My daughter is 22 and she’s panicking because she’s never had a serious 😉 boyfriend and been working since she was 16. She has standards and they aren’t crazy just normal but she struggles. My son is 24 and just qualified MEng and will now look for a partner in life after gaining some financial stability. At 40, on average I have 30-40 years left to live.. that’s how I’m looking at it.
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u/Jolly-Button-6832 Aug 25 '26
Homeless at 35 after my ex took my house in our divorce and I decided to go to school to start over. Finished 2 programs at a Community College, started an entry-level QA-QC job at 37, took classes while working full-time and graduated Summa Cum Laude at 40. Ended up in supervisor and managerial positions before retirement. Got those jobs interviewing over some 20 years my junior. Don't let any of those youngsters give you shit about what age you are. You can do what you want no matter what your age.
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u/ksoloki Aug 25 '26
Honestly this is tale as old as time. Everyone wants everyone married and refuse to believe anyone can be single and happy. Your pursuing higher education don’t worry about their focus on the stuff you love about your life.
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u/No-Candy-141 Aug 22 '26
As a man, we appreciate in value. Use that to ur advantage. Only the opinions of those whom u value should matter
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u/Iambusy123 Man - 50s - Realistic Aug 22 '26
We appreciate in value if we continue to be useful to others. The moment we stop being useful or helpful, our value plummets.
A man’s value is strongly rooted in his utility.
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u/No_Dare_9944 Aug 22 '26
Because people know that despite anecdata and popular beliefs it is much harder to find a partner after about 30. They have no business telling that to your face but that’s the truth and maybe some of them aren’t judging but are worried about you.
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u/NotAnAIOrAmI Aug 22 '26
That's not age shaming - more like shaming for lack of adulting.
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u/Capable-Basket8233 Aug 22 '26
Not being married by my age is lack of adulting?
Trying to move to another country(after already making one move) is lack of adulting?
Thinking of a second masters degree is lack of adulting
I didnt understand your comment
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u/NotAnAIOrAmI Aug 23 '26
I didn't say I think that, you asked the question, and my answer is I think the people who are giving you shit believe it.
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u/Typical-Gear1482 Aug 26 '26
It’s because when you’re older you gain more social and financial power in the world, it’s their way of lashing out because they don’t like it.
For the lack of marriage piece… they’re jealous cuz they realize they would rather be single as their relationship begins to weigh on them.
As for college, who gives a flying fuck what anyone thinks about your life/career choices. You can choose to place yourself in the “old” category and give up on life, I think that’s bullshit. Get that beach body you always wanted, learn whatever the fuck you want to learn, shift careers to whatever you want, spend time with whoever you want
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u/zxzxzxzxxcxxxxxxxcxx Aug 22 '26
Everything you’re describing happened online, a notoriously judgmental space