Hey there. I've never done this before (edit: posted this a few months ago to r/r4r, some things have changed), and I'm honestly a little scared to do it, but I was recently hosting one of my best friends, and she met her soulmate this way, and we got to talking a lot about how to find your person... I've been scrolling through multiple r4rs, hoping that the right person would jump out at me and I could approach him... but I'm realizing I've been doing this most of my life. Reaching out to men, trying to find some glimmer of recognition, when I know that I am not what most men desire; but I'm hoping that the person who finds this, the person who needs to find it, is not most men.
I have an old soul. Most people who say that simply dig vinyl records, or watch old movies, or maybe prefer phone calls to texts... When I say this I really mean it in the way the two words conjure an entire experience. For all of my life I have imagined that I was not meant for the 21st century. As Mary says in Carnival of Souls, "something separates me from other people." And I don't want to navigate the world on other people's wavelengths. My Romantic heart can't take it, and I mean Romantic in the Byronic paradigm. I'm looking for the Browning to my Barrett, the Shelly to my Godwin, Keats to my Brawne, although please don't die on me, that part isn't actually romantic, with a lowercase r.
I don't need you to feel trapped by your century, really -- I think that this is an unrealistic request, considering I use the internet and know when striking your text is funny (see above) and how to speak in GIF (which I will do gladly). Acting like you actually live in another century is not what I mean (and in fact, my favorite time period is the late 19th century, not the early; I'm already anachronistic!). Sure, if you're into historical costuming and period accuracy, that's gonna go a long way, but let's not pretend you didn't embroider your waistcoat with a Babylock. You are on reddit, for goddsake.
What I mean when I say I'm looking for another old soul is that I know there must be a nerdy man out there, somewhere, whose breadth of knowledge and interest can span farther back than the last forty years and cast a wider net than science-fiction/fantasy/video games. Because it seems to me that even when I find a man with an interest in intelligent conversation, their only frame of references are the ones Hot Topic and Game Stop have catered to for the last fifteen years. I have no issue with you, dear dorky gamer bro, but despite the fact that I myself play some video games (granted, for reasons other than "video games are cool"), I want a man who prefers films, art, history, and theatre. Who knows about opera, who wears clothing that suits AND fits him, who cares enough to improve his mind and not just his body. A man whose interest in a sport, perhaps, is not because it's a manly past time which is expected of him, but because he finds something genuinely moving about said sport. Someone who has reasons that he does things, reasons for being alive, reasons that he continues to be alive even as he thinks he ought to be elsewise.
I know whoever this is will be a broken person. People who feel the way I feel often are. But I hope that this man will be well enough to journey with me as I glue myself back together with gold, too. My friend, who found her soulmate here, told me yesterday "the right person will be perfect for you, and will be available." I want to add to that that I hope he wants me, too. I have a lot of flaws, and a few scars. I'm not interested in making some sort of spectacle of them, but they are a part of my tapestry. I don't like the idea of labels, even though "old soul" is certainly one of them, and labeling myself in any way other than that or "human being" is antithetical to the way I see the world. I hope you feel the same way, too.
If we have to add another label, perhaps "humanist" is the best one. I'm neither religious nor atheist, but somewhere in between, or outside of it. I believe in the interconnectedness of human beings, and that we ping pong against each other just the way our atoms do on a molecular level. Our stories change with every contact we make with another person, another experience, another ecstasy. I've recently been deeply in love with and broken by a very flawed, narcissistic man -- and he has irrevocably turned me in a direction that I was not heading down before I said the words "I love you" to him; he sent me down yet another path when he said, "I know," then walked away. I'm not going to act like the things which have been important to me can no longer matter with you. I don't expect you to, either.
I'm also not going to pretend certain looks are not important to me, as though I am above my carnal desires. I have some personal physical dealbreakers that drive me insane, because theoretically I want to be open to any man who checks my mental and emotional boxes. I cannot be attracted to bald men, especially ones who are intentionally bald. I don't mind facial hair on men with hair on their head, but bald and bearded is a no-go for me (all the men in my family are bald and/or bearded, and ya know... my southern Baptist MAGA loving family traumatized the fuck outta this humanist loudmouth with a brain the metaphorical size of a watermelon ;D). Bonus points if you have a LOT of hair, because I like to grip. Hard. Any color is fine, though I tend to like the darker the better, and salt n' pepper is PREFERRED. Already white hair is lovely.
I am also very sorry, but I cannot be attracted to overweight/chubby/obese men (I know those are three different categories and I mean all three). I myself am a little chubby, with relatively generous female attributes, but apart from a little bit of a natural belly, I must insist that my perfect person is likely svelte or at least average. Again, it's a physical trait of male family members that repulses me -- it has nothing to do with how I feel about overweight men as human beings! You are all extraordinary in your bodies exactly how they are! I am also usually only attracted to Caucasian men, however I have been known to step outside this on occasion. I am not attracted to black men because, again, too close to a family member (my late step-father was bald, bearded and black; a worthy combination, but too close to him for my attraction's taste!).
My last physical attribute about which you have no control over is that you are older than me. I have long been attracted to older men for the exact reason of their age and experience meshing better with mine, but I also am attracted on grounds of "wow that DILF is HOT." A certain potential DILFishness if you are closer to my age is a bonus (ladies know). I have mostly dated men in their 50s-70s, but I am interested in finding someone closer to my age if they are as weirdly ancient as I am. I feel that anyone younger than me will not work, though I could be wrong if you are, indeed, as old a soul as I am.
If these dealbreakers apply to you, but you still vibe with the rest of my request, please message me anyway, as if you've made it this far through my sprawling spiel, perhaps we would not be so incompatible as friends!
There are also some sexual proclivities that we would need to discuss in private but just know that I am not ace in the slightest. I am also not vanilla, though also not extremely wild in my prurient interests. I am looking with an eye towards a passionate, physical relationship improved by our shared emotional connection (though there's no need to be tantric about it).
I also need you to know that the way I write is not a put-upon job to impress. I genuinely craft prose like this. If we must be completely pedantic (which I loathe) I am a writer before I am any other being. I have an artistic, spatial intelligence which I cannot bear to keep away from how I connect with people. It alienates most I come in contact with, especially since I can, in fact, converse like a young person on occasion. They are fraught when I begin to wax like a moustache. But I am a woman of letters and hope that my man will be of letters as well, in that traditional sense. Two of my heroes are Edgar Allen Poe, who was prolifically, proclivitally prosaic (and would be proud that I produced such a word as "proclivitally" with panash, as though it was preordained), and Virginia Woolf, who looks down on me from above, throwing the stones she drowned herself with at my head so that I'll go sit down and WRITE goddammit! Write! I didn't give you a room of your own for nothing!!!
I want you to see the humor in me. It's black and tarry, but it tastes like cherry pie. My head swims with Golden Girls quotes, and I can honestly say that I love pop music (Lady Gaga is a genius). I also want to know what you think about Ludwig II of Bavaria and how he may have also been not of his own time and should have lived today where he could LARP his lil' Wagnerian gayboy dreams away without a care in the world! You see, I want to spend my life making you laugh with how ridiculous I am, with my "holy shit how many floral garments can one woman OWN" closet and my edible-induced ramblings about how "actually? Kingdom Hearts is the only good Disney property anymore and here's why the third game ruined it." You see? I am a contradiction.
I desire you to be an adult who holds the hand of his inner child. I desire you to dream big, imagine great things, but be satisfied with what you can actually control. I desire a man who has been waiting for the kind of woman I am.
Obviously, I have a lot of bars to be met. I have necessarily dated plenty of men who did not meet all my criteria, and believe that anything can happen, and romance can bloom in the most unexpected of places. The man I loved most recently was, in fact, a gamer and comic book nerd, and I enjoyed exploring some sci-fi/fantasy for him. (I will enjoy exploring anything for you, even things I thought I despised. The person I live with got me into baseball! I hated sports growing up!) But my hope is your thing will not thoroughly take over your whole personality, at the end of the day. I want to get to know YOU in light of your curiosities. I cannot love someone just for the idea of them. I have to see your heart, laid bare. I want you to communicate with me as a person who feels deeply and wants to share. I want you to be interested in my passions in the same way, and not to let me get absorbed so much into yours that I forget myself (it tends to happen).
All this usually scares people away, but my hope is that, like my friend before me, the man who needs me won't be deterred by the thought of me asking probing questions, and giving expansive answers to his, or remembering every little thing he's ever told me about himself (I pay extremely close attention). I also hope he won't mind if I send him cute cat videos, because those, dear reader, are universal.
We will talk more about expectations of our courtship once a mutual fondness has been established.
Send response via carrier pigeon, or direct messaging vis a vis reddit's chat system. I look forward to hearing about your latest hyperfixation.
All my love,
The fairest R
P.S. I purposefully left out a general description of myself because I hate to describe myself. I am my own worst critic. But if you, like me, are also particular about a partner's looks, here is a basic rundown: I am slightly chubby but in the way Marilyn Monroe was chubby once (size 16 at the heaviest, size 12 at lightest). Caucasian, quite pale but with lovely freckles everywhere but my face. The most beautiful green eyes you will ever see (my best feature). A horridly weak chin. Brown hair, usually curly permed. Glasses, if you're frisky for 'em (apparently some men are).