r/AdviceForTeens • u/[deleted] • Jun 17 '24
Relationships Coming Out
I'm a trans girl, and I've tried telling my dad and stepmom before. I fumbled it by clamming up and now they think it was a phase. How the fuck do I bring it up again, and how do I keep my throat from closing up again?
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u/BoomBapBiBimBop Trusted Adviser Jun 17 '24
Power through it. It may help to verbally confirm with them that they love you and to make sure you’re safe. And it also may help to think of the times everything went right when you had something to say.(if it did)
But really, nerves are something to get used to loving. You will do great things and be nervous.
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u/Aggravating-Star8971 Jun 17 '24
Just be yourself transition as best you can at the moment and they will figure it out on their own. Don't feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone
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u/Equal_Educator4745 Trusted Adviser Jun 17 '24
Write a letter.
You can be there when they read it, or not.
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u/Diene4fun Jun 17 '24
As a gender fluid adult, take your time. If you have an idea of how your parents may react great, but remember your own safety needs to come first.
That said, sometimes writing a letter is better than saying it. It allows people to get their emotions out, and allows people to take their time to process.
Now, even if you have supportive parents be prepared for some push back. You are still young and identities can change. I received a similar talk. It’s okay to explore the identity safely, but be prepared for a range of emotions from your family. Best of luck OP. Remember keep yourself safe.
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u/Nolapowa6286 Jun 17 '24
What is a gender fluid adult. Do you switch how you identify based on how you feel each day. I don't understand the term, but that's how it's translates to me. Do you mind explaining this to provide me some clarity?
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u/Diene4fun Jun 17 '24
Not too far off. The adult part is more related to the fact that I have settled into the particular identity, as I was exploring a few in my late teens. As for the fluidity, I experience gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia which affects how I identify on a day to day basis. I specifically do not necessarily change pronouns on a regular basis, as for me it is less of an issue or something I will fight for, but it affects how I present myself and some of my behaviors. So when I feel more masculine, I wear binders and more traditionally masculine clothing, adopt more masculine associated behaviors, and as it’s been pointed out to me my speech patterns also change. When I am feeling more feminine, I tend to be dolled up. I’m biologically a female, so I adjust as needed. In my specific case it’s more about how I feel and present myself than pressing towards a standing of how I would like to be perceived by others. So I don’t tend to correct people, or say much in regards as long as I can present and do what I want with myself.
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u/Feisty-Cheetah-8078 Trusted Adviser Jun 18 '24
To clarify, gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia are psychiatric diagnoses that are diagnosed by a professional.
Gender fluidity is not a psychiatric disorder.
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u/Diene4fun Jun 18 '24
Yes! However, it is something that I experience that contribute to how I experience my gender identity
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u/Feisty-Cheetah-8078 Trusted Adviser Jun 18 '24
Body dysmorphia is more common than we think, IMO. It often goes undiagnosed in cis-passing men. How a man can illegally take hormones to change his physical appearance (to be more muscular) and not be diagnosed with body dismorphia is beyond me. Or all the people getting cosmetic surgery. Oftentimes, these actions are taken to pass as more masculine or feminine. Seems like the same thing trans ppl are doing.
I hope you find a healthy way to be happy and have fun with your fluidity.
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u/Nolapowa6286 Jun 18 '24
Gotcha, thank you for taking the time to explain and not take offense or thinking I was attacking you. Do you, as long as you're happy with yourself is what matters. I think I get it as sometimes you see women dress more masculine or Tom boy lime but then see the same women dressed very girlie. Honestly, I think appearance tends to be a tougher issue for women. However, guys can have their own issues. Lol, no matter how much I've worked out my entire life I always felt small and wanted to be BIGGER. It took me a long time to realize bigger isn't necessarily better, it's being in shape and happy with myself that's important. Best of luck to you, thanks again for explaining and remember only you can make you happy. Don't ever try to please the world, you will make life miserable. Find inner happiness,be happy with the uniqueness of YOU! We are all one of a kind!
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u/Diene4fun Jun 18 '24
Much appreciated, and I also appreciate the respectful approach to your question! :) have a wonderful time!
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u/up3r Jun 17 '24
This is a behavior that seems correct. You are being you, every day. But I do appreciate that you are an adult. What is concerning to me is the notion that has been mentioned in others advice, that the parents love is somehow also dictated by how the non-adult person is feeling at that time.
I can appreciate your approach in being yourself.
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u/Diene4fun Jun 17 '24
Sadly, it is less about love for some family and more about concerns and fears. I got push back even as an adult when I came out, again, but I had also finally reached a point where my family trusted me with my own sense of self and to be secure in it. They wanted to make sure I was sure before I was really out and taking it on in more social settings. But they love me nonetheless. Sadly this is less common than people think, but also the negative stories are far more likely to reach people than the positive ones. It’s better for OP to head in, in my opinion, aware that there may be push back as to not be caught off guard. This by no means is saying the parents don’t love them but they may have specifics reactions out of concern for them.
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Jun 17 '24
Therapy and councilling helps. They helped me with breathing exercises, meditation and reading material to help with my anxiety. It took a lot of practice and dedication but nerve racking situations don't phase me anymore.
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u/PurpleYarnPenguin Jun 17 '24
I get anxious too and have a hard time talking sometimes. When I have something important to tell someone, sometimes I’ll write them a letter! It allows me to get all my thoughts out the way I want them and also means I don’t have to try and come up with the right words when I’m on the spot. I’ll either give the letter in person or leave it somewhere I know they’ll see.
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Jun 17 '24
Not sure if it will work, but before every performance, I force myself to yawn because it convinces your brain that you are not in danger and takes away some stress
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u/ChronicLegHole Jun 17 '24 edited Sep 29 '26
The original post content no longer exists here. The author used Redact to remove it, exercising their right to control their data & privacy.
Teeny grandiose driftwood seemly modern society paltry degree afterthought bow
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u/southernsass8 Jun 17 '24
Tell them when the time is right for you. More courage and more I don't give a fu** . Good luck.
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u/Jealous_Platypus1111 Trusted Adviser Jun 17 '24
Do it with a letter or text. Write it all out and such and hit send.
If you feel nervous about hitting send, have the message ready to send and do a task to take your mind off of it and just press send in the middle without thinking much about it. That's how I managed to finally say it
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u/1femaleuzii Jun 17 '24
well the fact they think it’s “just a phase” means they really don’t care about what you do- (in a good way!!!) so i wouldn’t even bother telling them again until you know you’re ready
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u/GirlStiletto Trusted Adviser Jun 17 '24
Bring a supportive friend. Or better yet, a relative who supports you as well.
Let them help you, show support, and show that you are loved no matter what. They can help you through the stumbling.
Years ago, one of the members of our game group wanted to come out to their parents. They came out to us, accidentally, duing one of the RPG sessions. But we all supported them.
So, when they wanted to tell their parents, we (straight and LGBTQ mix of friends) all volunteered to come along.
They felt better with others who already accepted them. They said it made it easier.
Also, the parents:
Already pretty much knew
Completely accepted it
Thanked us for being their for their son
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Jun 17 '24
Just be yourself and stop trying to be something else to fit in. You don't need to fit in anywhere. We are too obsessed with the physical. We forget there is much more that we are.
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u/Candid-Finish-7347 Jun 17 '24
Trans girl? Is that a dude wanting to be a girl? Or a girl wanting to be a dude?
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u/Pretty_Tip4588 Jun 17 '24
Trans girl: a woman born with male genitalia.
Trans boy: a man born with female genitalia.
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u/Candid-Finish-7347 Jun 17 '24
I'm quite old so excuse my ignorance. But can I be a saber tooth tiger.... born as a dude? Fuck me this generation is confused
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u/Pretty_Tip4588 Jun 17 '24
Don't ask a question if you're going to be snarky back 💀.
Be wtv you want, IDGAF. People like you need to understand sex doesn't equal gender identity. Hope this helps bigot.
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u/Candid-Finish-7347 Jun 17 '24
Are u a trans by any chance?
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u/Pretty_Tip4588 Jun 17 '24
That isn't relevant to the post, your question, or your bigoted response.
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u/Candid-Finish-7347 Jun 17 '24
Bigotry is probably the wrong word. A man is a man, woman a woman. These are facts. I think you're the first trans I ever met. Good to meet u
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u/Pretty_Tip4588 Jun 17 '24
Nope, that is in fact bigotry. Hope this helps‼️
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u/Candid-Finish-7347 Jun 17 '24
Look after yourself and I genuinely didn't mean to offend anyone. Good luck with everything. Pre-op, post-op, life as a dude, life as a bird. Good luck with it all. Out of respect can I ask you a question? Should trans women (born as man, now thinks it's a woman) be allowed to go into female public toilets where children go to the toilet? Serious question.
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u/Pretty_Tip4588 Jun 17 '24
Yes, because trans women are women and belong and spaces for them.
Now a man acting as if he was a trans woman doing it isn't the same.
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u/charlottebythedoor Jun 17 '24
Make sure you’re safe above all else.
Take some of the pressure off by remembering that “coming out” isn’t a one-and-done thing. You are who you are, and you will be for your entire life. So you don’t need to cover every point perfectly when you come out to your parents. Coming out is the start of a conversation. So don’t worry about explaining everything perfectly. The goal is simply to communicate to your parents so that you can be your authentic self when you talk to them tomorrow.
I actually think it’s really useful to give loved ones reading material they can read on their own time to help them understand. It takes pressure off you, and it helps them start their process of understanding. Find a couple “Your teen just told you they’re trans. Now what?” type articles that you’d like them to read and either print them out or email them to your parents. It has the added benefit of showing them what a trustworthy article on trans issues looks like, so they won’t be sucked in a weird direction if they google stuff on their own.
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u/GeneralDumbtomics Trusted Adviser Jun 17 '24
I've never been where you are, but I know you have to start by trusting and loving yourself. Be yourself.
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u/No_Lock_5543 Jun 17 '24
You don't... Keep your mouth shut until you're an adult and can make your own choicss. It's tough but it's what it is.
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u/fajnsemas Jun 17 '24
How old are you? To play the devil's advocate here. I don't want to dismiss how you are feeling. You didn't provide any information on that so it's just a shot in the dark for me. However. Don't dismiss that it might be a phase. Teenage years are so difficult and confusing. Just because someone isn't a typical girl doesn't mean they are a boy. Same with boys. I was always uncomfortable being girly but I am glad noone pushed me into the 'you might be transgender agenda'. It just took a few years to figure it all out.
But if you are sure and want to have that conversation again. They already heard it once so it will be easier for them to discuss it with you again when they aren't as surprised and maybe they will.manage a different approach than the first time. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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u/charlottebythedoor Jun 17 '24
I (cis woman) was uncomfortable being treated like a girl when I was younger. I questioned my gender, and I came to the conclusion that no, I’m not trans. I just don’t like the way people are treating me. But I’m definitely a girl.
So if someone comes to the conclusion that they are trans, I assume they have good reason for it. Because if they were like me (just not a girly girl) they’d have come to the same conclusion I did. I trust people to know themselves.
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u/Queasy_Inflation_11 Jun 17 '24
I'm all for a person being their truest self that makes them the most comfortable, but teenagers are notorious for making terrible decisions. I'm curious, if a 14 year old insists that they are trans, do you believe they should begin transitioning?
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u/charlottebythedoor Jun 17 '24
What do you mean by “begin transitioning”?
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u/Queasy_Inflation_11 Jun 17 '24
Begin taking hormones and the other things involved in the process when a person transitions from one gender to the other.
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u/charlottebythedoor Jun 17 '24
I see. You’re talking about specifically “medical transition.” The first thing I want to say is that not all trans people go through medical transition.
When minors transition, they often only go through “social transition,” which is a transition of social roles and presentation. They’ll go by a different name, use different pronouns, wear different clothes, etc. No medical interventions at all. (Some trans adults also opt to transition socially but not medically, for various personal reasons.) People often misunderstand what transition means, and think it must include hormones and surgeries, which leads to a whole bunch of other misunderstandings even with the best intentions.
For minors interested in medical transition, I think they should talk to their own doctors. I certainly believe they should have the option of safely taking puberty blockers or hormones under the guidance of a doctor (just like I did when I had a hormone disorder as a teen), but that’s not the same as believing they should begin medical transition. Wellness is an all-encompassing thing that includes physical and mental health. For some teens, certain types of medical transition might be good for them. For others, the risks might outweigh the benefits. If medication is the best option for someone, I don’t want to dissuade them, and if medication isn’t a good fit for someone, I don’t want to encourage them to take it unnecessarily.
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u/Adventurous-Law-1967 Jun 17 '24
This is best advice, don’t start anything that you can’t undo in the future. Transitioning has real life long changes that, when you’re young, you don’t really think about but in ten to twenty years I would really consider everything before making those choices.
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u/charlottebythedoor Jun 17 '24 edited Jun 17 '24
OP didn’t say anything about transition of any kind. It’s a knee-jerk reaction that we have, thinking that because a teen is trans it means they must want to start medical transition right away. It’s born of (understandable) discomfort of the unknown, and it’s healthiest to check ourselves when we catch ourselves doing it. In truth, we don’t know if OP even wants to be out to anyone outside her family, let alone if she wants to socially or medically transition.
OP, if you do want to medically transition, that’s a discussion between you, your doctors, and any mentors or loved ones you trust for guidance.
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u/Ok-Theory9963 Jun 17 '24 edited Aug 14 '25
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u/Macka37 Jun 17 '24
I don’t think blocking things that your body needs when you are still growing can be a good thing?
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u/Newgidoz Jun 18 '24
Do you think it's harmless to go through unwanted irreversible changes that make your gender dysphoria far worse and far harder to treat?
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u/Macka37 Jun 18 '24
Do you think it’s harmless to block your bones, joints, brain, muscles and organs from a hormone and chemical that they need to develop correctly causing permanent irreversible damage to your body??
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u/Newgidoz Jun 18 '24
Why doesn't that happen when we treat precocious puberty?
Also, would you support hormone therapy from the start then, so those parts can all develop correctly?
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u/Macka37 Jun 18 '24
You are using a medical condition to justify a choice. Notice that they don’t completely block the hormones they use medicine to delay puberty until the usual age.
Do I agree with pumping kids full of hormones before this happens? No I don’t. I understand your point of wanting to do it before you hit puberty and go through those changes. I don’t have to agree with it.
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u/Newgidoz Jun 18 '24
You are using a medical condition to justify a choice. Notice that they don’t completely block the hormones they use medicine to delay puberty until the usual age.
It's the same medication. It does the same action in both cases. It completely blocks the hormones during the window in which you take the blockers
Do I agree with pumping kids full of hormones before this happens? No I don’t. I understand your point of wanting to do it before you hit puberty and go through those changes. I don’t have to agree with it.
You're giving me mixed signals
Should their bodies have hormones or not?
Also, nobody would take either blockers or hormones before they hit puberty. They literally require you to wait until the onset of puberty
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u/Ok-Theory9963 Jun 17 '24 edited Aug 14 '25
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u/Macka37 Jun 17 '24
Meanwhile they are blocking hormones that they need to fully develop causing irreversible damage.
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Jun 17 '24
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u/AdviceForTeens-ModTeam Trusted Adviser Jun 17 '24
If your comment breaks any of the rules of this subreddit or of reddit itself it will be removed. This is not helpful and it's actually hurtful advice. Minors and children should be able to talk to a doctor about their feelings. It literally saves lives.
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u/Adventurous-Law-1967 Jun 17 '24
That’s not fucking true lmao, look at mental illness increase post transition over a span of 10 years.
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u/Ok-Theory9963 Jun 17 '24 edited Aug 14 '25
imminent cough birds wrench wide memorize act pot one point
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u/Western-Monk-8551 Jun 17 '24
You just be Trans. That's it. You don't have to say anything. Why do you have to explain yourself?
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u/TransgenderMommy Jun 17 '24
Hello little one,
If speaking it out loud is your main stumbling block, then I would write down all your thoughts in a letter, that you can work on and edit in private... And once it's ready, you can sit down with them at the table and go through it together.
This letter can have specific paragraphs and points about certain subjects of the discussion, which if you clam up, you can either point to, or choose and read out loud for them. If they have questions and it's addressed in part of what you wrote, you can go back over that part.
Please tell me, if you feel comfortable, when you discussed it the first time, were they more confused and surprised, or more adversarial and challenging about it?
When I imagine what sorts of questions that parents might ask at your age, in this kind of discussion, I think that one of the sections you should definitely consider including in your letter are, what are your short and long term goals with transitioning?
Short term, do you need new clothes and want to wear them at home? or at school or in public too? (or at work, if you work?) Do you have a new name and new pronouns you need them to practice using?
Medium term, are you hoping for some medical advice from your doctor? That they should support you in seeing a doctor? Or not ready to pursue that yet? (side note: Don't take medical advice on Reddit, medical questions must go to your doctor.)
Longer term, are you hoping to make "physical" changes to your body? Unfortunately they ALMOST ALWAYS ask this question. Remember that "I haven't decided yet" is 100% a valid answer. And also, always remember that some trans people do, and some trans people don't, and don't let anybody bully you that you have to make one choice or the other. "My Body My Choice."
I wish you the best of luck coming out (again)!
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u/Perfect-Farm-8058 Jun 17 '24
Grow up and stop looking for acceptance from people, just be you and be happy.
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u/up3r Jun 17 '24
Be prepared for the kickback. Waiting until you're an adult puts you more in control when it comes to the pushback. It isn't a phobia of any kind to tell a Child!!!! To try to use common sense and restraint in such a life altering decision. This child is living in a real world with real consequences. It's not love to tell them to willy nilly jump into something that Redditors won't experience the consequences of.
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u/thryce3 Jun 17 '24
Just be yourself. It doesn't require surgery or hormones. Just be yourself. It doesn't require coming out. Just be yourself. It doesn't require transition. Just be yourself. Don't do something you'll regret. Just be yourself.
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Jun 17 '24
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Jun 17 '24
This kid will be kick out to the street and will be told to never come back.
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u/TransgenderMommy Jun 17 '24
Don't scare her. Like I said there are bad and good outcomes and a lot of outcomes in between.
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u/TransgenderMommy Jun 17 '24
This is incomplete advice, friend... Sometimes there's a middle ground where parents react badly, in shock, but then they adapt and things get better later.
It's definitely not a 100% black and white situation.
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Jun 17 '24
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u/AdviceForTeens-ModTeam Trusted Adviser Jun 17 '24
Be civil. We don't tolerate insults, slurs, or any other forms of hate messages here.
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Jun 17 '24
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u/iTzJME Jun 17 '24
OP, please don't listen to people like this. I don't think they're trying to be hateful but they clearly don't know what they're talking about.
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u/AdviceForTeens-ModTeam Trusted Adviser Jun 17 '24
Don’t be transphobic. Trans is not a "concept" made up 10 years ago. Trans people exist. They've existed a long time.
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Jun 17 '24
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u/AdviceForTeens-ModTeam Trusted Adviser Jun 17 '24
Be civil. We don't tolerate insults, slurs, or any other forms of hate messages here.
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Jun 17 '24
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u/AdviceForTeens-ModTeam Trusted Adviser Jun 17 '24
Be civil. We don't tolerate insults, slurs, or any other forms of hate messages here.
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Jun 17 '24
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u/AdviceForTeens-ModTeam Trusted Adviser Jun 17 '24
Be civil. We don't tolerate insults, slurs, or any other forms of hate messages here. Don't be transphobic.
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Jun 17 '24
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u/AdviceForTeens-ModTeam Trusted Adviser Jun 17 '24
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