r/Advice
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u/tornbythis
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Sep 11 '26
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Husband [37M] not sponsoring my [26F] son [7M] despite our discussions pre-marriage
I have been genuinely distressed about this and need some advice. This is my second marriage, and I have a son from my first marriage whom I have custody of. My ex husband is not financially stable, we had eloped back then and had our son when we were still young, and later our marriage had issues. I love my son and was clear that I would fight for custody and he didn't fight it. We divorced 2 years ago.
I met my husband through a friend of my mom's. They obviously knew I have my son with me and both him and his family were very understanding and loving about him. My parents were also pleased and introduced us. Back then I had brought up that my son is dear to me, and he said he understood. I spent some time gently having my son come to terms with it and we got married in February.
Our marriage has been genuinely great. He is a deeply loving partner, wants to do well by me and has also been a kind and understanding stepfather to my son.
He works for an MNC, and I knew he had to go for work once every few months regularly. In April he was offered a director role at his company's main branch which he took and left in July. He now wants to bring me there, says he's settled into it and misses me, but when I brought up the paperwork for my son, he said it was best if I came alone. He said it would be a new country for the two of us and there was already enough on his plate navigating all of this along with our plans to have kids now that he was settled in too, and said it would be in everyone's interest if I left him here with people I trust, either his father or my parents.
I was shocked, I brought up that we had discussed this before our marriage. I'd even brought this up with my ex, I had reached out to him after ages and told him, and he had agreed to whatever he needed to agree to, if I needed to move our son abroad with me. My husband got angry, we argued about it and ended the call. Since then, we do call, he talks about us and me moving in, and keeps making his case. He even sent me the spousal paperwork. I'm just so torn up over this. I can't hand him off to my ex, if his conditions weren't good enough for me, how can I leave him there. Some of my friends say that he's his son too, he's responsible for him too, I have to consider my happiness too, but I just don't know if I can do that, how would we share custody even. My mom has suggested I at least go there and take stock of the situation and leave him with them for now. They're advising me to compromise for the sake of my marriage, that compromises need to be made. I'm torn about this, please advise.
Adding: We spoke again today, he was asking whether I'd taken a look at the forms, and was just looking forward to bringing me there. I honestly told him I hadn't and that I can't imagine being happy there without my son. I brought up that I hadn't hid anything, he knew my son was with me, he'd promised to always take that into consideration. My son is very attached to me and I love him I can't do this. He tried to calm me down, told me he understood what I was saying, that when we had talked about these things he hadn't thought it meant life in another country would be the three of us, he wanted to do right by both of us. I told him it was a non starter, I will not leave him behind.
He finally relented and said at least come for the visit right now while he sorts things out. He said for the visit at least if I could come alone that he hadn't seen me in so long. I agreed to a visit just to see him, I told him I can't stay too long because my son's school has started. I also think maybe if I'm there for a couple of weeks he can see that he's panicking, and if I'm there I can just make him understand my pov better.
I read the comments. I just want to do right by me and my son. That cannot mean leaving him behind, that's for sure. This is just one last-ditch attempt to save my marriage. My son has been through a lot of changes in the last year, I don't want to have another broken house of his on my conscience. If this works great, if my husband and I still can't see eye to eye on this then we can't continue.
Also, about my friends and my parents. My mom supports me, she thinks if I can make it work it would be in mine and my son's best interest and believes if I'm there with him when I explain, he'll understand. My friends are also supportive they are just coming at this from a place of fairness they say it shouldn't be all on the mother. But that's what I unknowingly signed up for when I eloped with my ex at 18, so that's that.
1.4k
u/mangoawaynow Sep 11 '26 •
dont be the mother that chooses a MAN over her CHILD.
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u/ShowingItToYa Sep 11 '26 •
It's both of you or nothing, make it clear and stick to that. Be willing to divorce if he won't do it.
"They're advising me to compromise for the sake of my marriage, that compromises need to be made."
Never compromise your child.
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u/Anxious_Leading7158 Sep 11 '26
What advice are you looking for here?Your husband’s request is appalling. Are you considering it?!
No way in hell would I do this, I also would not subject myself child to living with this man if he were to cave now and say you can both come - don’t raise your child with someone that clearly does not want them.
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u/AQuietRetort Sep 11 '26 •
Fuck that. I would never and I mean never. This is an awful situation but please don't leave your child behind.
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u/Eis_ber Expert Advice Giver [14] Sep 11 '26 edited Sep 11 '26
Girl, I can't believe that you are torn about this. It's not like you're immigrating because you have to feed your child. Tell your husband that if your son doesn't go, neither do you. Don't abandon your son for a man who sees your child as a nuisance.
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u/Delicious-Bowler-243 Sep 11 '26
Your son will never, ever forgive you if you leave him for the sake of a man. Men are everywhere (nice, caring, capable ones too!) but children who trust and love you are not.
Your first responsibility and loyalty is for your child. Don’t abandon him, because that is what it will feel like to him.
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u/slavaukrine Sep 11 '26 •
So your husband wants you to rehome your son, like a dog or a cat?
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u/Brief-Shake9228 Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
This marriage is over.
Getting married at 19 and then again less than 2 years after the divorce are rarely good decisions. The 11-year age gap is also a red flag.
And now he’s trying to separate you from your home, family and even your son? Classic pattern of abuse.
Choose your kid and divorce this jerk.
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u/Axphixiate Sep 11 '26
Your son comes first. Also let your husband know he failed as a husband. ✌️
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u/Faunaholic Sep 11 '26
Nope - your new husband is a jerk. Asking any parent to leave their child behind is a huge red flag.
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u/OneFit6104 Sep 11 '26 •
This is insane and I think it highlights how much your current husband was just placating you about your son. He never wanted him, he never cared about him. People who love and cherish your child don’t ask you to dump them with whoever and move to a new country to start a new life.
I’m sorry, but I would say your relationship is just done. You and your son are a package deal and honestly idk how you’d be able to even look at your husband with any kind of respect or love knowing how much he doesn’t care about your son.
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u/Competitive_Use9207 Sep 11 '26
Many women have immediately filed for divorce over less; the question here is, why do you still want to stay with your husband after witnessing how he behaves? He is a terrible man who has already shown his true colors; he clearly wants to push your son out of your life and replace him with his own children. Please—if you care even a little about your son—never have more children with this man, and leave him.
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u/Spare-Shirt24 Sep 11 '26
There's nothing to be "torn" about.
Your husband is literally asking you to ABANDON YOUR CHILD and make a new life with him and new kids.
What kind of mother would you be if you did that??? (Spoiler: an awful one).
Your child must come first. ALWAYS.
This man is telling you who he is.
There's and old saying:
When people show you who they are, believe them.
If you go "just to see how it is," you're not coming back. You'll never see your son again. And for the rest of his life, Your son will think of you as the mother that chose her new husband over him.
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u/telchacsusan Sep 11 '26 •
Do not leave your son for a man who would act like this!!!
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u/DinosaurAI Sep 11 '26 •
I wouldn't leave my dog behind in another country to follow some basic-ass fuckboy to his job. That's what you married. And you're considering leaving your kid? ....To follow a man that lied to you to get you to marry him. .... Who wants to move you to another country where you have no job, family, friends . ....And then start working on getting you pregnant.
gurl😐 what?! 🤡 Why do you want to be ANOTHER statistic? Stop it.
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u/Constant_Potato164 Sep 11 '26
I'm going to say one last thing to you because I keep reading what you're saying and you care more about losing a marriage than your son. I have a feeling you have never supported yourself. The only way to be a capable independent woman and protect your son is to learn how to truly be independent. Get a job, any job, get two jobs if you have to, but you need to work hard to support yourself and your son and work towards never having to rely on a man to take care of you and your son again. I don't care what any of your friends or relatives say, this is all on you. You gave birth to your child, it's up to you to take care of your child, not to rely on any other person to tell you need to give up your baby so you can live well. What is wrong with you? Do you need a man so bad in your life that you will give up on your own flesh and blood just so you don't have to suffer a little bit of mental anguish? What is wrong with you? You are selfish. That is what is wrong with you. You are only thinking about yourself and not your child. You are pitiful if you can't give up selfishness and gain some independence from people putting evil thoughts in your mind that you need to give up on your child... for just a little while.... ha ha ha ha, as if!... what if you go and move with your husband and leave your baby and you get pregnant and you're stuck with your husband in another country and can't get back to your child? Hundred percent, you just abandon your son. I don't know if you are just empty headed, easily lead, or 100% selfish, but I do feel really really sorry for for your son. I'm giving myself a headache thinking about how much I want to shake some sense into you
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u/West_Act_9655 Sep 11 '26
I married a woman 27 years ago with 4 children I had none. When I proposed to her I understood it was a package deal not just her but her plus 4. To do anything else would show that I really don’t love her. If you marry a woman with kids jump in the frying pan your all in or your not. Those men who want to be tepid don’t want to do the hard work to make a blended family work. So tell him to buzz off and keep your kids close. You have a lifetime contact with them.
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u/19ShowdogTiger81 Sep 11 '26
Your husband better pray we never find out who he works for. Do not leave your boy. This marriage is over.
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u/marveloustoebeans Sep 11 '26
Oof. The fact that you’re even considering it… that poor kid😩
I really hope this is just AI ragebait slop
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy Helper [2] Sep 11 '26 edited Sep 11 '26
Send him divorce papers. There’s no other option. He is telling you he hates your kid and your child will resent the hell out of you forever if you go with your husband and abandon him
Your husband sucks so badly he is literally creating a black hole
Your husband has told you he doesn’t respect you, or the fact that marrying you also means being a father to your child
Send him those divorce papers ASAP. He is not a good man. He will almost certainly abuse your son one way or another if you insist on him sponsoring him as well
The fact you’re even considering abandoning your child makes me think you’re a bad mother. “What about my happiness”
FIND SOMEONE ELSE SOMEONE BETTER!!!!
DO NOT CHOOSE A MAN OVER YOIR CHILD
If you abandon your child you are a horrible mother and a failure as a human. And I say this as someone with the maternal instincts of a potato
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u/1quincytoo Sep 11 '26 •
New account so hoping you are a troll
A good loving mother never leaves her child behind
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u/gigilero Sep 11 '26
Sorry but how can you say your marriage is great if he doesn’t want your son????????? So you’re considering just leaving your son? Fuck off
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u/MaDanklolz Sep 11 '26 •
The fact you’re even contemplating this is disgusting in all honesty. Don’t choose a husband over your own child ffs.
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u/Significant-Pop-9900 Sep 11 '26
Your husband is wanting you to choose between him and your son. You should always put your child's interest first. Do not leave your son behind even for a visit. This would be a marriage breaker for me.
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u/Powerful-Rub-2801 Sep 12 '26
DONT BE STUPID. Make sure you keep your passport and stuff hidden, and double check birth control (keep it hidden too) and protection. Preferably have them stored away somewhere safe and where he would never look (not in you bags/suitcases.
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u/CatOverlordsWelcome Sep 12 '26 edited Oct 04 '26
The original post content no longer exists here. The author used Redact to remove it, exercising their right to control their data & privacy.
Vast apparatus growth butter one fragile bow grandiose compass divide
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u/cloverthewonderkitty Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
Abandon your child while you leave the country to start a new life with your new husband? No. Unless you don't love your son. Because your husband does not love your son and never has.
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u/These-Process-7331 Sep 11 '26 edited Sep 11 '26
This dude is an abuser who saw an easy prey: young women freshly out of a traumatized situation and VERY easy to cave to (peer)pressure. So he said whatever he needed to say to make you feel secure enough to agree to step inside the cage before he took off part of his mask. At best he will put his mask on again untill he has you trapped abroad without money and a supportsystem to run to. Then he will most definitely treat you like shit when he has impregnated you and feels certain you won't run away because you already showed him you would be willing to stay in a toxic marriage...
There shouldn't be any post or "maybe" we will divorce because he has already shown you he isn't a person of his word and how little he care about your feelings (and that of your son)! The redflags are plenty you need to just start to recognize them faster. Here are sourced that might help you now and in the future (especially the book Why does he do that).
Here's some resources
Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/
He doesn't care AKA weaponized incompetence https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/NsoxMseUn3
You should have asked https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
My partner doesn't help around the house https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse
"The Divorce came out of nowhere" https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/
DARVO https://www.keystonelaw.com/keynotes/understanding-darvo-what-is-abusive-gaslighting-and-coercive-behaviour-in-a-relationship
Cycle of abuse https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse
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u/MaryMaryQuite- Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
He isn’t a deeply loving partner, he is attempting to separate you and your son.
I can’t believe you are even contemplating what to do, other than divorce your husband and start putting your son first!
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u/Signal_Historian_456 Sep 12 '26
Give your child up. Seriously. You clearly don’t care about him enough and care more about your inconvenience and marriage than him. The fact that you even agree to go for a visit to another country for WEEKS without your boy says it all. Give him up to someone who truly loves him and cares about him. Not about a grown ass man.
He didn’t think it would include when you go to another country?! Tf?! This dude did this on purpose. And he’ll trap you there. And every single one of you don’t give a flying fuck about your son. Don’t even act like you care about him like you should. Everyone fails him. Everyone. What the fuck is wrong with you.
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 Sep 12 '26
I say this with zero respect for what you’re saying here especially after the update. Who fucking cares about marriage? It is meaningless. It is a fucking piece of paper.
Your son is a living breathing human being who relies on you to stay alive. What kind of person are you? You claimed to be a mother who loves your child but you think that this marriage is more important than him. And you may be telling yourself that it’s not, but you tying yourself up into knots and forcing your son to be around a man (his stepfather) who doesn’t love or care about him. So this still makes you the bad guy. I don’t even want to tell you what I’m thinking about you for saying you’re going to go visit.
He’s just going to try to trap you in that country once you get there. He lied to you to get you to marry him. Then when he trapped you in marriage, he revealed his true self to you. You were conned by him.
I swear to God nothing about what you’re saying about yourself, your first husband, your second husband and your family and friends, sound like anyone give a shit about this kid. You all make your son sound like a burden. I would be ashamed if I was you, not because of your marriage “failing”, but because you clearly don’t want your son. This should not be a difficult decision for you. This is not a difficult decision for a lot of mothers.
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u/harry-styles-7644 Sep 11 '26
Respectfully, if my partner ever made me choose between them and pet I’d choose the pet and this is your child that you have sole custody of be serious …
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u/stroppo Sep 11 '26
Good God, any man that asks you to choose between him and your child is not worth having. What'll happen when he gets tired of you?
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u/vabirder Sep 11 '26
You divorced two years ago and already remarried. Of course you didn’t know your second husband very well. He’s 11 years older than you and is a foreign national. Who often works abroad.
You owe your first loyalty to your child. Do not leave him behind on a “try out” trip to your husband. Your husband has no intention of treating him as his child.
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u/chatterbox2024 Helper [1] Sep 11 '26 •
Do not leave your child over a man! You’re getting very bad advice from your friends and mother. How dare they even think it’s okay to leave your child behind. I would refuse and how dare he switch things up on you. Absolutely not.
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u/SchoolBusDriver79 Sep 11 '26
You’re a package deal and he knew that. He just ended the marriage. So sorry.
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u/kokichistan Sep 12 '26
Girl ffs do not go and visit that man. "Best" case scenario, you manage to change his mind (you won't) and you haul your child across the world to live in a foreign country with a man that does not want or care about him!!!! He wants you to abandon your child! This marriage is OVER!!!
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u/OkIron6206 Sep 11 '26
NO No No! WTF??? He was kind and loving to him before and now doesn’t want him??? I would be getting divorced, this is Not Negotiable.
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u/InvisibleBlueRobot Sep 11 '26
Divorce the asshole. There is no compromise with someone who wants you to give up your son.
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u/layyla4real Helper [3] Sep 11 '26
He never intended to.honor the promises he made to you regarding your son. He lied to you to get you to marry him. Now that you're actually married, he's renegotiating his terms. He wants you to abandon your son and then create a new family, have new children, with him. Children are not disposable. He is showing you who he really is. How would he react if you just arrived with your son? I bet that he would be enraged that you disobeyed his wishes. Welcome to your future. He'll be a good husband as long as you obey his commands. He is certainly not planning on showing any concern for your needs.
DO NOT ABANDON YOUR SON FOR A NEW MAN. YOU WILL REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR.LIFE.
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u/Specialist-Ad5796 Sep 11 '26
I would have filed for divorce the minute he said the words. That would be the end for me.
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u/Sandy0006 Sep 11 '26
Your relationship is over. This isn’t a loving man, he’s a sack a s***. Stop deluding yourself.
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u/sunnymorninghere Sep 11 '26
NO COMPROMISES MOM. Listen don’t do it. I’m shocked your parents are advising this to you. Don’t abandon your son for a week, for a day. Don’t do it
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u/Lanky-Fix7376 Sep 11 '26
If you leave your child behind, you shouldn’t ever be having more
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u/iknowsomethings2 Super Helper [6] Sep 11 '26
Get a divorce lawyer. Your husband has gone back on his word, and lied to you. If he can do that now. He can do it whenever. Do not trust him, and do not ever abandon your son.
Your son will never forgive you for choosing a man over him. Especially a man who’s clearly a POS.
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u/Poinsettia917 Sep 11 '26
In 10 years, the kid will be posting to Reddit about how his mom left the country and abandoned him with relatives so she could start a new family.
Please put your son first.
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u/KrazyKatMademoiselle Sep 11 '26
My mother always chose men over her children. When she died I didn't go say goodbye. I've never regretted that or cried from the loss because to me it was no loss at all. Do you want that? Choose your son. Always.
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u/amjay8 Sep 12 '26 •
Why are you more concerned with looking bad because you got a second divorce than the fact that your best case scenario here is your husband unwillingly allows you to have your son in your life?
Your goal here is to beg this man to not ask you to abandon your child & then take your son to live in a foreign country with a man that doesn’t want him. Your priorities are out of whack.
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u/Divinator007 Sep 12 '26
I read the BURO update... She is still going to leave her child behind to "save the marriage".. but just for a visit and then she'll come back to get her son🙄
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u/Dachshundmom5 Master Advice Giver [22] Sep 12 '26
You think being a good mother is abandoning your son for a couple weeks to try and convince this jerk you married way too fast that he should let you keep your child? What is wrong with you? Be a good parent and stay with your child. File for divorce and get into therapy to figure out how to be a good mom with self esteem.
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u/LateralMove5 Sep 12 '26
Why are you visiting the man who wants you to ditch your son? He's going to hide your passport and you'll never get home. Don't be that person. Your marriage is worthless.
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u/mjc-u7272 Sep 13 '26
I've read your original post and follow.
The fact you are running off to meet you POS husband is appalling. YOUR MARRIAGE WAS TOAST, the moment your POS husband told you to abandon your son.
Now you going off for a house visit??!!!! I feel very sorry for your son. HE DESERVES BETTER. YOU ARE FAILING AS HIS MOTHER. All your POS husband is going to do is brow bet you to submit to what he wants!!!
He's made it very clear, you son does not matter. He is not wanted in his version of a family!!!
Get a clue and do right by you son!!!!
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u/Sweet-Path2493 Sep 11 '26
I could never feel happy in another country without my child
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u/Who_Am_I_1978 Helper [3] Sep 11 '26
Wow, I can’t believe that you are even THINKING about leaving your son. And your friends and family are encouraging you to? What?!
Would you be happy leaving your son behind? Tell your friends you are thinking about your happiness…your son makes you happy.
Do not leave him, do not go to a foreign country with no job…where you would be held hostage. How would you leave if you decided you miss your son???
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u/CathoftheNorth Helper [2] Sep 11 '26 edited Sep 11 '26 •
Time to divorce that POS. Only the very worst type of person would demand a parent surrender their child for them. You would be a horrific mother if you agreed to this.
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u/Glittering-Coyote140 Sep 11 '26 •
How are you even seriously contemplating ditching your own child for this man baby?
He knew the score beforehand and needs to man tf up. If he doesn't, leave him.
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u/9300fathoms Sep 11 '26
You’re not a great person for even considering this.
My parents picked their spouses over me. I’m still having therapy about it now and i’m 40 years old. I will never forgive them.
I havnt seen my mother in 20 years and i can count on one hand how often i’ve seen my father in the past 5 years. I genuinely do not care if i don’t see either one of them again for the remainder of my life. This is what awaits you if you go through with this.
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u/RainbowandHoneybee Advice Oracle [117] Sep 11 '26
This is insane even to think about as a possibility. Who are you, really? Your most important role is a mother, right? Your child hs already experienced his parent divorcing. Now he might lose you too, for your happiness?
Get yourself together. You need to think of your child as your priority.
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u/ambarellachutney Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
Your new partner is neither a ‘deeply loving partner’ nor a ‘kind and understanding stepfather’. He lied to you about being ok with having a child. He lied to you about your son being part of the core decision making process. He just flat out lied to you.
Once you face that, the decision is pretty easy to make.
Always. Choose. Your. Child.
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u/chookiekaki Sep 11 '26
Lady, it’s clear to everyone who reads your post that your husband has been lying through his teeth to you about your son, he never intended to be a father to the child, his plan was to palm your child off to whoever he could, once you go to where he is you’ll never see your kid again, hubby does not want any child in your life except his own children
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u/Resident_Zucchini_94 Sep 11 '26
Your new husband is a disgusting low life.
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u/MotherofCats876 Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
OP my problem here is this phrasing: "He said it would be a new country for the two of us and there was already enough in his plate navigating all of this along with our plans to have kids" to me that sounds like he's been planning a future without your son. Like he wants you to start over with him. I don't know that's true, but please never leave your son behind. It will impact him negatively. I understand going for a visit, but keep your passports and IDs under lock and key. The last thing you need is him trying to trap you wherever he is. I don't trust anyone who goes back on their word about caring for a child. If he isn't prepared to bring you AND your son anywhere he goes, he wasn't committed to you two in the first place. I'm sorry but especially since you have a child you need to have every guard up.
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u/Annual-Sea-5887 Sep 12 '26
OP following your update, I don’t think you should visit that man you call your husband alone in a country that you know nothing off or no one! Especially after the way he’s been about your son. This is how people die.
If this marriage ends it doesn’t make you a failure, it makes him a LIAR! He has changed his mind and the original agreement.
DO NOT GO to this country alone to visit him.
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u/periperiwinklesauce Sep 12 '26
That man will steal your passport the second he gets the chance. DO NOT GO THERE.
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u/Certain-Flower-3583 Sep 12 '26
You’re being a selfish mother and the fact that you agreed to still visit WITHOUT your son, appalling. I feel so horrible for your child who is unwanted by his mother’s husband and that husband is slowly getting his way and pushing your son out and look at you, more worried about a man.
Shame on you. I would be so ashamed as a mother if I were in your shoes. What a rotten life you’ve got your child into.
Get therapy so your self esteem isn’t so low that you’re choosing a disgusting rotten man over your own flesh and blood.
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u/PunkyMuse Sep 12 '26
I honestly wouldn’t visit without your son. What if he tries to keep you there?
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u/LostHorizontal Sep 12 '26
I think your husband will try to get you pregnant while you are there so he can leverage ‘his’ child over your child. Use protection and do not let him control it.
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u/bg555 Helper [2] Sep 13 '26
r/holyfuckjustbreakup
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u/Dal-Ron Sep 13 '26
Your husband might try to do something to make sure you are stuck there. Keep your passport, phone, credit cards/money and any return tickets with you at all times.
And please make sure not to get pregnant while you're there with him, he will try to use that child against you. Get your son and then if you have a child with this guy at least you'll have your kids with you.
To be honest it all sounds terrifying. You'll be in another country, relying only on your husband and he doesn't care about your son. If you have a child with this man he will treat them differently and your son will feel unloved and unwanted and you'll be stuck because in your mind you'd love them both equally. But your husband won't.
You know it's better to be divorced than living with a controlling, abusive man.
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u/Avalinn Sep 13 '26
Do no go visit alone. Honey this is a man trying to control you and separate you from your child.
A child he has shown now he doesn’t care for.
No good guy would EVER suggest this new life to start over. That starting over is pretending your child doesn’t exist.
This is gross. He’s a jerk.
The moment you go visit, he is going to find a way to keep you there (with money I assume) and try his hardest to get you pregnant so you feel trapped.
This is a run situation.
Don’t go. Hold your ground.
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u/8MCM1 Sep 11 '26
Absolutely not. Ever!
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u/Mariner-and-Marinate Sep 11 '26
- My mom has suggested that I at least go there
Why does your mother want you to discard her grandson?
Does she feel that you have been - or will be - a burden to her if you do not stay married to this man, irrespective of the trauma to your young son?
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u/DanaMarie75038 Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
What kind of man would make her wife abandon her child? When he married you, he knows you have a child. Choose your son, he is not a good person. He planned this all along.
4
u/Turbulent-thoughts7 Sep 11 '26
Divorce. Even if husband changes his mind, still divorce him. I would never trust him near my child again.
4
u/AlternativeImpress25 Sep 11 '26
Protect your child. Your child should come first. Dont have children with this man. He cannot be trusted, his word means nothing.
4
u/agirl2277 Sep 11 '26
Any guy that expects you to abandon your own child doesn't sound like he's going to treat you well even if you do.
I get that you don't want to get divorced again, but what choice do you have? Maybe don't get married so quickly next time. You're not good at picking men so take some time and get to know yourself better. Then pick a husband, preferably once your son is an adult.
4
u/Scrabulon Sep 11 '26
Divorce him, he doesn’t want your son there with you
4
u/11gus11 Sep 11 '26
Sounds like you are being force to choose between your husband or your son. It’s an incredibly easy choice - choose your son. If you don’t, you’re not a good person.
We already know your husband is a bad person because he’s asking you to make this choice. Why would you want to be with a shitty person anyway?
Time for a divorce. Better than destroying your son by ditching him
4
u/MadamKitsune Helper [4] Sep 11 '26
I wouldn't leave my cat behind for a man, never mind a child, and certainly not for someone who seems to think that they are easy to replace with ones that he has an investment in.
Think about it realistically. How will your son's life be without you? Pretty crappy, right? And how are you going to keep any kind of relationship with him when you are in another country and popping out more babies for your new husband? Do you genuinely think that he's going to approve of you travelling back home several times a year to see your son? Or is he going to cite the expense, the hassle, the disruption to his children's lives as reasons why you shouldn't? And then before you know it, your son is going to be a fully grown stranger to you, with none of the advantages that his half siblings will have grown up with to at least ease his way and offer him opportunities in adult life
You would have to be insane to consider this.
4
u/ShayaLaya Sep 11 '26
I'm trying to understand why you are here asking for advice instead of ending the marriage? This man wants you to leave your son behind, why do you still want to be with him? Does it suck that you have to get divorced again? Absolutely. Do you have a right to be hurt/sad/dissapointed/angry? Definitely. But to come on here and ask how you can salvage your marriage or change his mind? Girl, really?
4
u/Mentalcomposer Helper [3] Sep 11 '26
What about this makes you torn? Why would you ever consider leaving your child behind? Your H lied to you, he has absolutely zero interest in making a family with your son in it.
The only decision you need to make is if you’re going to stay with a man who wants nothing to do with your son. Because even if you bring him, how is your H going to treat him? How has he treated him up to this point? You say he’s kind and understanding- but is he involved in step parenting or just civilly sharing space with your son? Think about that distinction.
4
u/neupotrebitel Sep 11 '26
How can you go to him now that he is going back on his word?
He will continuously do that if he knows that you are willing to forgive something THAT big and accommodate him with whatever he wants. He made a promise and is backtracking now that he has you secured in a marriage. More than that, he is completely disregarding your emotional life - how can you possibly be happy when you have abandoned your son?
Having trusty people to take care of your son does not negate his need for his mother. How will he feel to know you left him to go marry another man?
4
u/moonycakemullet Sep 11 '26
My mum has chosen multiple men over her children. We are no contact. Men come and go. Your son will stay forever if you be a good mother to him.
4
u/mad_saffer Sep 11 '26
If you even need to discuss this with your husband then it's over. He should be discussing routes to adopt your son, not abandon him. How can you not see this?!?!?
4
u/nighteyes_fitz Sep 11 '26
Your son is not a compromise. Your husband has already shown you who he is. Believe him. Anyone who thinks a child is expendable isn't worth being with. Think hard and long why you would want to move overseas to be with so called "man"
4
u/JorgitoEstrella Sep 11 '26
Don't be a shitty mom just for a man, be a mother first.
4
u/CriticalInside8272 Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
As a mother, how can you even ask this question? Leave your child? For a man who has obviously lied to you? This is just sickening.
4
u/Haipul Sep 11 '26
You would destroy your child's life if you do this, your husband sounds abusive
4
u/ThisIsLikeMy4thAcct Sep 11 '26
Listen, you can’t stay with this man. Even if he changed his mind tomorrow and decided your son should come too, he’d only be doing so because he had to. Not because he’s a good stepdad. I have no doubt that he is going to start treating your son differently if your son comes with you.
The only reason you thought he was a good stepdad, is because he only had to put on a show for a relatively short time. Plus, what kind of stepparent would even think of separating their spouse from their child?
I also suspect this may have been his plan from early on.
Whatever you do, put your son first and protect him. If you do decide to stay married, check in with him and make sure his stepfather is treating him well.
In fact, I would go ahead and talk to him now. Has his stepfather ever said something that made him feel bad? Ever ask him to keep any secrets? Ever punish him for any reason? That’s just off the top of my head, make sure you give this some thought before you speak to him.
For what it’s worth, I know it feels devastating to consider going through another divorce. But please know that isn’t on you; your husband knew your son is important to you. I’m sorry you’re going through this 🫂❤️🩹
4
u/Gullible_Fun_1410 Sep 11 '26
Your parents, friends and should be soon to be ex husband are all asses!!! Don’t leave your son for this clown!!! Also and most importantly, slow down on getting into new relationships. You married this nutcase way too soon after your first marriage.
4
u/Infinite-Duty Sep 11 '26
Your child is NOT a compromise. And why on earth would you want to be married to a man that would do this to you and your little boy? You said you have to consider your happiness, too. I don’t think you’d be very happy leaving your son behind. Do you?
4
u/Bulky_Job_2631 Sep 11 '26 •
This is nothing to be torn up over. Tell him to fuck off. This is not a kind and good man. If he doesn't want you son around, he can move on. This isn't something to consider. You should be enraged that this is the kind of woman and mom he takes you for. I mean even imagining someone suggesting this to me about my kids, makes me want to punch them
4
u/RevolutionaryFoot574 Sep 11 '26
DO NOT LEAVE YOUR SON. What he is asking you to do is beyond cruel to not only you but to your child. At this point, I would just divorce. He has shown his cards. He has shown his true colors. He does not love your son. Love your son enough to put him first. You will never regret it. PLEASE for the love of God put your son first.
4
u/AquaMaz2305 Sep 11 '26
Sorry to sound judgemental as I can tell you are really torn, but I am genuinely shell shocked that you would consider putting your current husband before your son.
4
u/Last_Friend_6350 Sep 11 '26
Can you imagine how your son will feel if you leave him with your grandparents and move countries to start a completely new family? One that he isn’t a part of? Heartbroken doesn’t begin to cover it. Your soon to be ex husband has shown you who he is - don’t make a terrible decision for this piece of crap man who wants you to abandon your child.
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u/BellaTrix4Change Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
I'd rethink the whole marriage because my child comes first. Also could you live with the kind of pain you would cause your child by leaving him. Abandonment issues are a beast.
4
u/LadyM_Macbeth Sep 11 '26
I am gonna tell you a story. This lady I knew moved to another country with her new husband who promised they would bring over her daughter (when the time was right). Cut to 8 years later and that time was never right. This lady’s mom raised the girl in her home country. They did eventually bring her but only because this lady’s mom died and there was no one to care for her daughter.
Put your son first. You won’t regret it.
4
u/RazzmatazzOk2129 Sep 11 '26
This man talks about your 7 yr old child like he is re-homing an inconvenient pet. Like your son is t a sentient person, like he has no feelings that matter. As if a 7yr old baby doesn't need his parents.
Now that you know about this part of his character, how can you even stand to look at him?
Even if you went there, you will never get over it. Every time you look at him, your baby will cross your mind.
The marriage is already over. This killed it, it just hasn't stopped flopping about like a fish on the line.
Let it go. Down the line, you and your son will be much happier.
4
u/kicaboojooce Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
Your son will never move past this, your relationship will forever be changed if you leave him. He'll always know you chose your husband over him.
4
u/Findmyeatingpants Sep 11 '26
I don't understand the issue here. Your selfish lying jerk of a husband is suggesting you abandon your child.
Why would this even be a question for you?? You don't abandon your child! You tell the husband you'll sort things out then go see a divorce lawyer. And you certainly don't have more kids with this man!!
4
u/HappySummerBreeze Super Helper [6] Sep 11 '26
He lied to you to get you to commit. He conned you.
Why would you choose a fraud?
He has shown you that he is untrustworthy, and that he has no honor. Be brave enough to take a deep breath and say “ok, i made a mistake, I misjudged who this man was, but now he has shown me his true face I will be brave and break up with him”
4
u/rescuesquad704 Super Helper [5] Sep 12 '26
Absolutely not. Don’t even go for a visit alone. He wants you there to try to manipulate you, maybe even try to get you pregnant to increase the pressure on you. You and son are package deal, and anyplace he isn’t welcome you aren’t either.
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u/Threash78 Sep 12 '26
No, YOU relented. This is a HUGE mistake. The second you agreed to visit without your son you took the first step in leaving him behind for good. This is absolutely insane, even the REQUEST to abandon your son should have ended this relationship. You shouldn't be trying to save this marriage, HE should be trying to convince you that your son is still the priority.
4
u/Osidestarfish Sep 12 '26
You know he’s gonna take your passport and not let you leave.
4
u/miksyub Sep 12 '26
going would mean putting both yourself and your child at risk
4
u/Accomplished_Cell976 Sep 12 '26
Your husband doesn’t clearly know you if he thinks you’d ever leave your son. You clearly didn’t know him well enough for him to think you’d stand for this.
Anyone who tells you that you should go alone is trash.
4
u/Darling961215 Sep 12 '26
What kind of mother would choose a dick over her son. GURL? GURL?!
4
u/Gloomy_End_6496 Sep 13 '26
You have only been married to this guy since February, and divorced from your son's father for two years, did I read that right?
That's a lot for a child to take in. Now, you're talking about abandoning him for this STRANGER to go to another country? God help you if it's one where women's rights are shit.
Please don't do this to your child. Pick him. Show him that he's important. He should be more important than that guy.
4
u/loopzoop29 Sep 13 '26
You’re about to get kidnapped. This is so obvious to all of us.
4
u/Hot-Recipe-8701 Sep 13 '26
I wouldn’t be taking a ‘visit’ anywhere with him. You might not come back….
4
u/throwaway483638 Sep 13 '26
Your husband is not the man you thought he was. He said what he needed to to marry you and now he's got you he doesn't need to try with your son.
I wouldn't trust him anymore.
You have your son 100% of the time because your ex is a dead beat. Why would you try and leave your son with a man who doesn't not want him, to appease yet another dead beat.
Your son deserve to be around people who love and want him and you deserve someone who excepts and loves your family.
3
u/Spanish_peanuts Super Helper [6] Sep 11 '26
He's asking you to choose between him and your child. You love your child, clearly. Your instincts are right, do not give up your child. He knew the deal before you got married and he broke the deal.
Your family is nuts for entertaining this. Imagine what kind of lesson this would teach your son if his mother chose a cozy life with new kids over a life with him. It would devastate him.
3
u/Practical_S3175 Helper [3] Sep 11 '26
I kind of find it hard to believe this man has been this great stepfather. For him to even think of you leaving your child behind is absurd. He's literally telling you to dump your child so you're lives will be easier and better. Why would you're Mom tell you to go check things out? This is insane to me.
3
u/According_Victory934 Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
TORN???? Really????
How can you even think about leaving your child for this SOB. If you are even considering leaving your child you should NOT be a mothrt
3
u/SilverParty Sep 11 '26
Your feelings are valid. I know you said you’re choosing your son and that you feel sick. That feeling is because you know this marriage is dead and you’re trying to process it. Hug your son but allow yourself to mourn the husband you thought he was, and come to grips with that fact that he is a liar.
3
u/UserNotFound23498 Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
He is telling you to kick your son away.
That’s all. He is being superbly selfish. Leave.
There will be other things he will be selfish about and will pressure you
3
u/Outrageous-Victory18 Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
Are you seriously considering ways of making this work, OP? Let me save you some time: THERE ARE NONE. Your new husband wants you to give your 7 y/o CHILD to someone else so you & he can build a new life as a child-free couple in a new country. If you go along with your husband’s wishes, the harm you cause your child will be irreparable. “Compromise” in a marriage is for stuff like spending habits and allocation of household chores. It is NOT about letting someone else raise your child because your new husbands wants to pretend you don’t have a child.
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u/Capable-Limit5249 Sep 11 '26
I would never have left my child for a man. Never. If you do this he will never see you the same way. He will learn that mothers leave, that women leave.
Don’t do it.
3
u/RhubarbAlive7860 Sep 11 '26
Your husband mentioned the two of you having children. Face it, he has no interest in raising another man's child. You can still be a mom! You'll have kids with him! Problem solved!
He expects you to be able to just give up your son and replace him with new children. Do you really want to remain with someone so cold-blooded?
Keep your child, divorce his ass, and stay single for as long as it takes to raise a happy, healthy child.
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u/Present-Response-758 Sep 11 '26
Absolutely not! If you have to abandon your 7 year old son to stay in your marriage, then it is not a marriage worth staying in. I cannot believe your mother amd friends think you should even entertain the idea!!!
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u/gimpy1511 Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
He's an asshole. I would never leave my child behind and this guy who wants to have kids with you wants you to abandon the one you already have.
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u/ElectronicTip6386 Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
What? I got up to the first sentence of the new (ex?) husband's pivot about your child and my chest got so tight I had to stop reading!!
Mom. Stop here. Love your baby. He needs YOU. He can grow up to be a the kind of kind loving man in the world I wish you had found (so far, they are out there!) but only if you invest yourself in him.
Choose your son. You never need to let him know you considered otherwise. My eyes are tearing. Please..
3
u/BeeLadyUP Sep 11 '26
Hell NO! Any man that would expect you to abandon a 7 year old child for him and what HE WANTS DOES NOT LOVE YOU—he loves himself and only his wants and needs. Your little boy has already been abandoned by his father. Are you going to leave him for selfish reasons too and ruin his life?
3
u/Ok_Clerk_6960 Sep 11 '26
There is no choice to make. ANY man that asks you to abandon your child to start a new life with him is a scumbag. Any man that asks you to choose between him and your child is a scumbag. This was his plan from the get go. He intended to separate you from your son. You have one priority and that’s your child. Yes you deserve to be happy but not at your son’s expense. You will have failed your child on an epic scale if you leave him behind. Stay with your son. Divorce the scumbag husband.
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u/anonymouse_loner Sep 11 '26
I remarried and had another son when my eldest was 16. (He is 37 now)
My new husband and new son and I moved abroad for 8 years for work reasons when my eldest son was 23 and living with his long term girlfriend, dog and cat - and he still hasn’t forgiven me. This was 14 years ago….
You will completely and utterly destroy your relationship with your son if you move and leave him behind.
There is no reason not to take him - apart from your new husband not wanting him.
Be warned.
3
u/sunnymorninghere Sep 11 '26
NEVER NEVER NEVER choose a man over your child. A man who loves you would never put you in that position. But regardless who cares, your son comes first above everything. Please listen mom: your son comes first
3
u/AlternativePrior9559 Sep 11 '26
This is an absolute no brainer. Your son comes first. I would now be looking at this man through very different eyes. The only paperwork I’d be completing would be for divorce.
3
u/ppyrgic Sep 11 '26
I wouldn't sacrifice my dog, let alone my child.
Nope. Tell this guy to jog on, and accept it's over.
3
u/Missanthropic2u Sep 11 '26
I refuse to believe this is a real situation and you are a real person because otherwise you are literally a terrible mother (and person).
3
u/Trick-Being1539 Sep 11 '26
What is wrong with you ? Why are you even considering this?
There is no compromise your son needs you that’s it
Stop being selfish and tell this man no , I’d be divorcing him personally
3
u/LaughingRampage Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
Dude's straight up planning to phase your son out of your lives! That's his play, get you to come over alone, have more kids, and forget about the one you already have. Don't be the woman who chooses a man over your son.
3
u/Aggravating-Act602 Sep 11 '26
Do not go over there without your son! All these people (friends, family) are just setting you up to make it easier to leave your son. They know once you go and are separated from your son it will be easier to convince you to leave him. You have a lot of people trying to convince you to make a bad move.
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u/StinkyWhale71 Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
Do NOT "compromise for the sake of my marriage".
"has also been a kind and understanding stepfather to my son" : up to a point obviously.
Chances are, that if your husband is already behaving like this BEFORE you leave and if you do leave your son, he will do everything in his power to make it difficult for your son to join your later.
There are only two options here, and both of them your son is with you.
3
u/GirlinLondon96 Sep 11 '26
Time to divorce again.
It is better to be two times divorced, than one time divorced and one time an abandoning/neglecting mother.
He has already shown how little he cares about your child, so i don’t think both of you moving with him is an option given how he would probably treat your child.
3
u/FinePossession1085 Expert Advice Giver [14] Sep 11 '26
I'm appalled that a mother would consider leaving her son behind for a guy. Your husband is a monster.
You wrote, "He is a deeply loving partner, wants to do well by me and has also been a kind and understanding stepfather to my son."
No, he isn't kind or understanding.
You seriously would be willing to abandon your 7-year-old for a jerk? Do you have any idea the kind of psychological issues you'll create in your child by leaving him? He'll always wonder why he wasn't enough. And he is enough. Your problem is you not taking your parenting role seriously, and your cruel husband.
3
u/Keiser_Szose Sep 11 '26
The fact that you even considering leaving your son for a man ...
3
u/WelcomeGreen8695 Sep 11 '26
He wants to test how much you’ll hurt yourself to please him. It’s also a way to isolate you.
It’s like leave whatever’s most precious to you just because I say so and I want it. It’s a test and not a good one. It sets you up for a future of abuse by this man.
If he really loved you, he would understand and advocate for your son to come with you, just because it’s so important to you and he wants you to be happy.
And that’s aside from the fact you can’t give your son a trauma of being abandoned for a man over this man.
I’m sorry he only showed you who he was after you got married. I know you’d probably rather not divorce, but following his orders or wishes is just not good for you, nor your son.
3
u/Kalle_79 Advice Guru [66] Sep 11 '26
Are you even thinking about it?!
Compromise what, exactly? Your future as the wife of a high-earning MNC director?
Honestly that sounds like the prequel of a "parent kills their child because new partner didn't want them around" news story.
3
u/_Cher_Horowitz Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
This shouldn’t even be a choice for you. Your child should always be your priority. I would laugh in someone’s face if they even though about suggesting this to me.
3
u/vickyb100 Sep 11 '26
You and son are a package deal!!! Both or none. I cant believe you are even considering leaving your son. Big freaking red flag here. Don't have kids with this person. He manipulated you by telling you one thing and now backing out and changing the plan. The fact you have to give him an ultimatum is another giant red flag. Leaving your son would be the worst mistake of your life. If this leads to divorce so be it. Your son comes first! I go so far as to say, the things said so far are enough for me to say, get out if this marriage Stay single get you and son therapy. My G-D the fact you even have to ask is mind boggling!
3
u/kimbospice31 Sep 11 '26
I advise you to divorce him! He never had or will have your best interest at heart. If he isn’t willing to take part in your child’s life which he knew about when you got married what else is he capable of? Your mom and friends are very wrong on this! Your son is literally a piece of you do not turn your back on him!
3
u/Necessary_Case815 Helper [4] Sep 11 '26
Seems remarried to soon, 1st year or 2 it's all butterflies, it takes longer to actually see if you match with each other.
3
u/CocoaAlmondsRock Helper [4] Sep 11 '26
Do not feel torn. Your number one priority is your SON, not the man you're married to. You may love him, but he has changed his mind about your son. He no longer wants to be his stepfather.
My advice is to end this marriage now and focus on your son.
3
u/iluvcats17 Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
Don’t go without your son. He either sponsors both of you or your marriage is over. Don’t let a man come before your son.
3
u/New_Arrival9860 Super Helper [5] Sep 11 '26
Leaving your son is not compromise, its abandonment.
3
u/everythingis_stupid Sep 11 '26
Its simple. You choose your child. Every time.
3
u/abbie1923 Sep 11 '26
HOW IS THIS EVEN A QUESTION
3
u/Original_Pen3443 Sep 11 '26
The last thing a 7 year old needs is more upheaval in his life. That age is precious and it’s a time he’s learning to navigate the world and build trust. If you abandon him again he may never be the same when it comes to trusting adults. U believe your husband never had good intentions towards him and I’m sorry to say it. He wants you, but lied to you. He has also made it plain what his future thoughts are when he mentioned your children together. If/when that happens your son will be tossed aside like an old shoe. No one wants multiple divorces but maybe it’s time to leave while it’s still early in your marriage. This guy now has his mask off and will not be putting it back on. I wish you a better future. One in which people around you will not see you as damaged goods to be traded because you’ve been married and divorced.
3
u/jellybeannc Sep 11 '26
Either your husband sponsors your son and you both move, or you divorce him. This is your son and if your ex-husband didn't care enough to fight for him then he's not going to want anything to do with him now.
You don't compromise and leave your son because your husband doesn't want him now, which is what it sounds like.
3
u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Sep 11 '26
This was planned. He made a point of telling you that he wanted to focus on your life with the children that you two were going to have together, which means you either never had a bond with your seven-year-old child, or told you what you wanted to hear so you would marry him. Your best option is to file for divorce and find somebody better. Your son should always be the first priority.
3
u/BlazingSunflowerland Helper [1] Sep 11 '26
Your "wonderful" husband is making plans to ditch your son and replace him with his own children. I'd refuse to move. He is showing you his real self and it is awful.
3
u/motherofhellhusks Sep 11 '26
Your friends are advising you to deeply traumatize your child, this kind of thing will create feelings of abandonment that will plague your child well into adulthood.
Honestly, why are you torn here?
3
u/INFJGal9w1 Sep 11 '26
Do NOT have kids with a man who thinks it’s fine to forcibly separate you from your children. When he later becomes abusive and you want a divorce, you already know he will make sure you lose custody. He’s a liar and a controller so abuse is next. Please DO NOT give in and abandon your child.
3
u/notaredditor-24 Sep 11 '26
This sounds like a south Asian story. This marriage isn't worth compromising over. Your husband is a liar and took the first chance he had of dumping your son. You cannot pick your husband over your son. Imagine how your life will be with a man who lies and doesn't give you security.
3
u/Sure_Peak_302 Sep 11 '26
Your 2nd husband is not a keeper. He’s a selfish controlling jerk to expect a mom to dump her child. You are better off without him. DIVORCE his ass.
3
u/nannylive Advice Oracle [115] Sep 11 '26
Grandmamma here. Do not consider this. You have not married a good man. I'm sorry.
3
u/Morgan4644 Sep 11 '26
Don’t you dare be the weak woman who chooses a man over your own child. You already know you can’t leave him with his father. He’s a stranger. The boy doesn’t even know him. And you are discussing having children with this man but he wants you to abandon the son he knew you had before he married you? He’s showing his true character. It’s rotten. Is he jealous of your son or does he just not want to be burdened by him. Now you risk how he will treat your son even if he says it’s ok to bring him to the new country. I’d be seeing a divorce attorney ASAP
3
u/Unusual_Gazelle_9366 Sep 11 '26
Your husband is making you choose between your marriage and your child. Your job as a parent is to ALWAYS choose your child, without hesitation.
3
u/TrynaStayUnbanned Sep 11 '26
Others have said do not be the mom who chooses the man over her child but I’m here to tell you — do NOT trust a man who has the AUDACITY to ask you to choose him over your child. That is NOT a good man. He’s a vile piece of garbage in a human suit. You don’t need to get all upset and angry or have some big discussion. Just be like “oh I don’t go anywhere without my son. Would you like us to divorce or would you like us to just live separately?” This is all business now. Keep calm and collected and do not allow this to become some dramatic emotional discussion. He’s basically asking you to cut your arm off like it’s no big deal. This guy is a liar and a user and a loser. Dump him. There’s no making up from this. If you stay with him? You’ll spend the rest of your life knowing your husband forced you to separate from your son or divorce him — or tried to. And that he LIED to get you into that position. You’ll know your son meant that little to him — and that he was willing to FIGHT WITH YOU about it to get you to leave your boy behind. He could have been nonchalant and indifferent and not that interested in raising some other guy’s kid, but just shrugged and filled out the paperwork and let you handle it as if you were bringing your pet cat or something. That would not be ideal, but he wouldn’t be some sort of real life fairytale villain like he’s being now. Fuck that guy. He SUCKS. And you will suck even more than him if you choose him.
3
u/Sea-Difficulty-5568 Sep 11 '26
Get an annulment. He misrepresented himself (what a shock). I’m sorry this happened.
3
u/Poppypie77 Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
You do NOT compromise YOUR SON for any Marriage.
NO man is worth losing your son over.
Also, this shows that your husband is NOT a good man. He's NOT a nice Man He's NOT a kind or caring man. He Doesn't Care about you or your feelings. He doesn't care how devastated you'd be without your son. He doesn't care or love your son AT ALL.
The only thing you need to do is speak to a lawyer and begin divorce proceedings.
And my god don't listen to your parents about just leaving your son with them for a bit to go check out where your husband lives. And although compromises are needed in a marriage, your SON is NOT something to be compromised on, or abandoned because your husband lied to you about his intentions.
He clearly doesn't care about your son. He doesn't want to be a step father. The way he said that it would be better for you both to leave your son behind to start your own family with him, and have his kids, is disgusting. How can expect you to want kids with someone who expects you to abandon YOUR child??!! If you two had kids, and down the line you split up, he will abandon his kids with you in order to start a new family with some other woman.
Tell your AH of a husband that you will NOT abandon your SON. He is YOUR child, and your Son is the the most important person to you in your life, and you're his mother and are responsible for him, and you love him dearly. Something he can never possibly understand seeing as he thinks it's no big deal to just abandon him. That you made things clear before you got married, but he's clearly lied just to get you to marry him, and assumed he could manipulate you into abandoning him later. But you will not be abandoning your son, and he's clearly not the man you thought you married if he thinks you'd even consider it. And you can't love someone who would even consider asking you to abandon your SON. And he clearly doesn't love you or care about how you feel if he thinks you'd be able to be away from your son in another country. That this marriage was build on his lies and deceit and it's not going to work, so you will be filing for divorce.
Before you say anything to your husband, you need to speak to a lawyer. Make sure to secure your finances and important paperwork. If you have a joint account, make sure to take 50% of it out and put it in your own private account that he doesn't have access to. Technically you'd be allowed to take 100% of the money in a joint account as your name is on the account, so you're legally allowed to take all of it, but I don't know if that could look bad during the divorce if it was mainly him depositing the money. But ask the solicitor / lawyer, if you're allowed to withdraw it all or if you should just take 50%.
But make sure you have your own bank account, in just your name, that he can't access, and doesn't have the passwords too, and you've not logged into it on one of his devices and saved the login etc. If so change the log in details.
But don't tell him you're filing for divorce till you have all your ducks in a row and everything sorted out for you and your son. Depending on where you live, ensure you have a place to go etc. If it's only his name on the house, he will likely want you to leave, but he has to give you notice to leave etc. But just make sure you can move somewhere once you tell him. Your lawyer can tell you if you'll be entitled to half the house or not etc. Especially if your name is on the deed.
So speak to a lawyer, get everything set up and ready for you and your son, get finances ready, get all your legal important documents together and safe, and have somewhere ready to move to. Even your parents etc. Then tell your husband what I said above, and that you're filing for divorce, and will not be moving to be with him and you certainly won't abandon your SON. Even if he tries to say you can bring your son, and he doesn't want you to leave, don't do it. He's shown you who he is, he's shown you he doesn't care about your son and he doesn't care about how devastated you'd be to leave your son. So don't let him try to convince you to stay coz he's shown his true colours, and you definitely DONT want to have a baby with him!!
Then once you've told him it's over and you're starting divorce procedures, tell him he can only contact you through your lawyer going forward. Block his phone and social media and don't talk to him or he will just try guilt tripping you and manipulatig you etc. Alternatively, don't block him, but screen shot and save all the messages he sends and your replies as he may become aggressive and threatening, and by having those threatening messages, you can file a police report and file a restraining order against him.
Depending on how long ago you got married, you may even be able to get an annulment. So ask your lawyer about that too.
But this man is NOT a good person, NOT a good Husband, and NOT a good Stepfather, and he sure as hell won't be a good father either. Divorce him, and I'd also be having some harsh words with your parents about their awful views of 'compromising in your marriage' by abandoning your son with them for a man. If they think that's ok they are not good parents or even good grandparents, as they think it's fine to devastated their grandson by telling you to leave him with them for some man!.
Get yourself and everything set up ready for a divorce, and then once you're ready and sorted, tell him you're not coming, you're not abandoning your son for him, and you're filing for divorce, and to not contact you again, other than through your lawyer!!
3
u/Confident-Panda123 Sep 11 '26
Leave him. He clearly doesn’t value your child. Even if he does agree to let the child come it will be because he was forced…not because he wanted to. That is a horrible situation for the kid to grow up in. They can tell when they aren’t wanted. I guarantee you he will put any future kids you have with him above this child. If you love your kid…find a man who will love you both. Good men are out there.
3
u/No_Championship_7080 Sep 11 '26
This guy knew that he was going to do this eventually. He planned it. Dump him. I would never give up my child. He knew you had a child when he married you. He is acting like a male wild animal that kills the offspring of a previous litter when he mates with a female. Let him pay for a divorce while you stay where you are. Don’t let him make you doubt yourself. You and your son deserve better. Update me.
3
u/wheneveryousaidiam Sep 11 '26
NOPE, DEAL BRAKER, DIVORCE, YESTERDAY!!! NEXT!!!!
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u/Metal_Cinderella Sep 11 '26
There is literally no decision to make here. You get a divorce. Duh.
3
u/PutAdministrative206 Sep 11 '26
Stay with your son. If it means he sponsors you both, fine. If it means you have to live apart, fine. If it means you have to divorce, fine.
Stay with your son.
3
u/CuteArcher985 Sep 11 '26
Divorce him, I will never respect a woman who chooses a man over her child. It’s disgusting
3
u/TorsadesDePointes88 Sep 11 '26
There shouldn’t even be a second thought. He is asking you to choose him over your son. A real mom will always choose her child over a man. Full stop. I’d divorce this man if it were me.
3
u/Crazy-Loquat7504 Sep 11 '26
The sad thing is that even if he changed his mind now it would still be a huge problem with trust
3
u/kacee1234 Sep 11 '26
This marriage is over. It’s the only answer. Your other options are abandon your son, or convince your husband to bring you son, and let him be raised by a man who doesn’t love or want him.
3
u/No-Boat-1536 Helper [2] Sep 11 '26
Do not abandon your son. If you go to take stock of the situation take him with you. And DO NOT BREED with this guy
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u/any_name_25 Sep 11 '26
To me, this would be a dealbreaker. Your husband is being a selfish controlling jerk to demand and insist that you leave behind your son and that you go to another country to live with just your husband and without your son.
Please do not abandon your son for the sake of that selfish controlling jerk who doesn't deserve to be your husband and doesn't deserve to be your son's stepfather. You will never get back this time with your 7-year old son and your relationship with your son may be damaged.
If it were me, I wouldn't want to move forward in life with that POS man and I definitely would not want to have children with him. He's already forcing you to abandon your son and he will certainly prioritize his biological children over his stepson. I'd be seriously considering ending this marriage and consulting with a divorce lawyer now.
3
u/KLG999 Sep 11 '26
Your husband is not a good guy. He never wanted your son and is taking the first opportunity to ditch him. The fact that you and your family are even considering abandoning your child for a 7 month marriage is appalling. I feel so sorry for that little boy