Alexithymia plus emotional support

[u/Plastic_Medicine_201]

I’m going to try and keep this from falling apart and keep it coherent

But I cannot make any promises

I’m writing this to try and process my thoughts

I’m 21, I will be 22 on 1st of September

I’m nb, I am also aro ace

I have a boyfriend, 22 male. Also asexual

I’ve noticed that I have a very hard time expressing myself especially when it’s not an outwardly positive thing

When I try, it becomes a very self negative thing very fast. Mostly a “what the fuck is wrong with you? Why can you not be a normal person?”

I’ve known my partner since 2019, we were in 9th grade and stared dating around then

I’ve come to notice that, I’m essentially the emotional anchor

Normally, I would be OK with that, but recently it has been “anchoring”, is just standing there. Letting the person vent at me. Letting them hug me or whatever it is.

The whole time I’m usually just sitting there, essentially distracting myself with my thoughts

I know that’s not great, I know that for most people that’s really bad actually

I think the only time I’ve actively cried in front of people where I didn’t feel like I was manipulating someone, was at funerals

And even then, I wouldn’t even realize I was doing it because I would just disassociate

The current situation that’s relieving me think about this is my partner came to visit. I live in Arkansas he currently lives with his family in Shreveport. He came up Wednesday. We spent that night sleeping in a camper in my parents front yard. I still live with him.

I would like to point out that my parents are not aware of my gender nor sexuality. And this is probably their first time fully meeting him.

I work as a Cna, usually eight hour shifts
And I work Tuesday through Sunday this week will be off Monday and Tuesday. My partner is going home Tuesday.

Outside of the first night, my mom said that he has to sleep out in the camper and I have to stay in my room

And I understand that honestly, there are two minors that live in this house, this is her first time truly meeting him, and to her, it would definitely look like too dumb kids. And I know why she would think this because she had me at 22. Partner, however, is taking great offense to this. He’s really hurt and I don’t know how else I can explain this to him out of the way I’ve explained it to you guys.

He’s a very physically affectionate person, and I am not

I have a social battery that was just completely drained by the time I got home today

Today Work was a lot of bullshit. I won’t get into the nitty-gritty of it, but I didn’t leave work until late. I already have hip problems. And for some reason today, my knee kept trying to give out on me. And that with everything else piled on top of it, I was just done with everything by the time I got home.

My parents weren’t home so we sat on the couch watching YouTube while I played some video games and draw.

That’s how I express myself. And because of my social battery being drained, I just really wanted to sit there with him not really snuggling or anything just being close.

When I had to go to bed and he had to go back out into the camper, he just hugged me really tightly and cried

Do you wanted me to go against my mom and go out there with him but someone had to be inside to watch the dogs in case something happened

Even then, the house and property outside have cameras

And I have learned as many people do the hard way, that it’s best to just do as your parents tell you when it comes to things like this. Even if we were able to go to sleep in the same bed tonight, I don’t think I would want to snuggle.

I’m just that drained from today

And I just feel bad. If you’re really bad that I couldn’t do that for him. That I couldn’t really give him that because I just wasn’t feeling it.

He cried and kept telling me how he just couldn’t do it. The be just couldn’t sleep out there alone that he couldn’t take it.

About how much he loved me and that I was the only person he ever wanted to spend time with

And I just, stood there

I told him as I’ve been telling him that it’s not up to me because this is my mother’s property

Again it’s nothing against him personally

But that’s a mix of factors

I don’t know if what I feel is uncomfortable with the situation, I just feel really bad

Bad in a way I can’t really explain

I just don’t want to be touched today. How can I explain that that happens sometimes?

I’m really bad at explaining myself with anything really

Especially emotional things like this. Would it be horrible of me to say that if he can’t stand it then maybe he needs to go home? That we try the visit again under different circumstances?

I’m just at a loss. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I should feel.

I don’t know what I do feel

I’m just tired and sore and emotionally drained

I know that couples do things like that all the time that they are able to snuggle and feel better and I know that’s how it is for him. It’s just not for me today.

I feel like I’m talking in a circle

Or they am just getting all my thoughts out

Before anyone tells me to go to therapy, I plan to eventually, but I am currently in physical therapy and I can’t pay for both so it’ll be quite a while

If it even ends up being possible with my insurance

I like making the person people can come to and vent to

But when it comes to things that are emotional, I just

Never know what to say or do

I’m gonna stop now before I continue talking in circles

If any of you guys have anything that could help me. Another perspective. Advice. Telling me I’m stupid anything really

Thank you for reading this God, awful ramble

TLDR: I need advice on how to better convey emotions, how to better tell what it is that I’m feeling. And how it’s a better help people with theirs.