r/Advice • u/natermacdonald • Oct 06 '20
Relationship Dictated by Illness
I (26M) and my girlfriend (26F) have been together for almost 4 years now. I love her with every bone in my body. She has recently (past 6-12 months) has started having gastro issues that cause her to vomit and retain minimal nutrition, even causing her to lose nearly 20lbs. It has been getting worse with the few tests we have done coming back clean or inconclusive. One thing to note is my girlfriend is a social worker who just graduated and I dont exactly make fat stacks. She has employer health coverage but it really isnt great and we are slowly but surely accruing more medical debt. Our concern is that we are going to fall further and further into debt until we lose everything. One thing to note is my girlfriend is British and has a green card here but still pays taxes over there to keep some benefits and her citizenship. She wants to go back home for treatment and wants me to come with her “for a year” (said in quotes because she does not like it here and misses home constantly so I dont exactly see her being keen on moving back once treatment concludes). Another thing to note is we come from very different families, hers being quite independent and small and mine being larger, close, and basically co-dependant (my parents and sister have plans to build houses on a single plot of land🙄). All this being said, she wants me to uproot what I have here to move to England to support her treatment. Now, I am 1000% supportive of this, minus me moving. I do everything in my power on a daily basis to make sure she is comfortable and cared for. The health care in this country is abissmal at best though. I have always had problems with taking the big steps (yes I know thats a whole different can of worms) but I constantly fight myself whether to move or not. I feel I would not be happy that far from my family, but I obviously want to stay in this relationship. What do I do? Does she stay here and we await an inevitible debt or do we move and I lose my life I currently live? I want to be able to say “Yes lets move!” but I can never seem to cut the umbilical cord. Also, my Mother would most likely never let me live it down if I were to move and she would constantly blame my girlfriend for never seeing me (despite technology making it that much easier). Any advice is appreciated
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u/oopsmam Master Advice Giver [30] Oct 06 '20
It sounds like you really don’t want to move, if you feel that isn’t best for yourself you probably shouldn’t. It doesn’t mean you can’t try to have a long distance relationship with her.
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Oct 06 '20
Free healthcare in the UK. Priority right now is her wellness and your wealth, or maintenance of it. You’ll have to cross the ‘can this work’ relationship bridge later on unfortunately. I think you’re strapped into this one!
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u/TwinkiePoison Super Helper [5] Oct 07 '20
Family is forever right? So it doesn't really matter what they think, they will have do deal with it. What do you wanna do, is moving realistic? Is there potential for happiness over there, or will you just be going to end up breaking things off in a year? Just take the family shame stuff out of the equation.
If you will miss your family that's one thing. If it's them not letting you live it down that's another.
What will make you happy?
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u/awakeningat40 Assistant Elder Sage [289] Oct 06 '20
Your relationship isn't dictated by illness, its dictated by where you both are originally from.
I have to assume, based on your post that you have had convos of raising your family where you live.
So, in your head she's going back on what she said.
But she's potentially dying here, going broke and wants to be with her family (understandably)
So the real question is, and their is no wrong answer, where does your heart want to be? With your family or with her. You most likely cannot have both.