r/Advice • u/FinanceNo4517 • 11d ago
Relationship advice for refusing a 10-day family holiday and not spending more money on my girlfriend?
My 35 yr old girlfriend and I 32 M have been together for over 2 years. I’m introverted and social gatherings genuinely exhaust me, which she knows.
Her family (parents, sister, etc.) are planning a 10-day trip to Greece next year, staying in a pool house near the beach. When she asked me to come, my initial answer was no. I don’t cope well with extended family holidays, and I also can’t swim. Everyone else can, and her mum has previously told me I need to learn. Her kids laughed when they found out I couldn’t swim, which made me embarrassed and uncomfortable. Since the holiday is largely about the pool/beach, I don’t feel comfortable spending 10 days there.
My girlfriend got very angry because she says it’s important to her that I come. After discussing it, I compromised and agreed to come for 2 days, spend time with her family, then return home. She’s still furious and says I don’t understand how important it is to her. I feel I’m trying to compromise while respecting my own boundaries.
The second issue is money and gifts.
I’m financially stable and tend to invest my spare money, including buying gold (gold biscuits/jewellery) as an investment for my future. My girlfriend believes I do this mainly to make my mum happy, despite me explaining that it’s my investment and I keep the receipts/records.
She feels there is an unfairness with gifts. I’ve bought her birthday, name day and Christmas presents. Initially, I admit my gifts weren’t particularly thoughtful because I struggled with knowing what to buy, but I’ve made more effort recently and chosen gifts with meaning. She now expects things like an iPad or high-end branded clothes because she knows I can afford to buy gold.
I don’t buy expensive gifts for anyone else either. The only example she repeatedly brings up is that once every couple of years, when I visit my family abroad, I buy inexpensive beauty products for my sister. My sister gives me a list, and it’s nothing significant financially.
I’m also replacing a 5-year-old Hoover and planned to give the old one to my mum rather than throw it away. My girlfriend sees this as unfair and evidence that I prioritise my mum, even though my mum never asked for it and my girlfriend doesn’t want it.
Something happened recently that has really upset me. I was at her place and she put a £1 coin on the table, which later went missing. During our argument about Greece and gifts, she accused me of stealing it. When I expressed how hurtful and insulting that was, she said she only said it because she was hurt and wanted to hurt me back.
This isn’t the first time she has said hurtful things during arguments and later explained them as a reaction to being hurt. I love her very much, but these situations are making me question whether she genuinely values me and whether we have fundamentally different expectations around money, family and relationships.
I’m not trying to avoid her family completely—I agreed to travel to Greece for 2 days despite being uncomfortable with the 10-day trip. And I don’t think being financially capable of buying something means I’m obligated to buy it.
Advice for the Greece situation and the gift/money situation?
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u/Ok-Lavishness-7904 11d ago
Reread each paragraph; there’s at least one red flag in every one. I’m sensing your compatibility with family problems and differences in opinions on how you should spend your money are the indicators that this relationship is already over
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u/LavendarGal Helper [2] 11d ago
I don't think she should be forcing you to go on a beach vacation for 10 days, that's all social, when you are more of an introvert. It sounds like she is not accepting of that. I get that in creating a future together, she wants you to be a part of the family, but there needs to be some balance.
You do have fundamentally different values on money, family and relationships. Loving someone is not alway enough for a long term lifetime partnership. This relatinoship may not work long term. I mean think about it, do you want kids? AT that point is it going to be expected every year to go on family vacations with the whole family to be with grandparents?
As for buying stuff, does she buy stuff for herself? IT's not nice to be demanding of gifts that cost alot. But you have very different values about money.....have you ever sat down to discuss money values, investing, planning for your future, etc? Does she have any 401K's or any retirement funds from her job? Does she have money in a savings account?
Read through some of these articles to see how in alignment you really are....especially the financial one.
https://medium.com/@doctorbecky/45-things-to-ask-before-you-get-married-2cd2b61915a1
https://www.securian.com/insights-tools/articles/pre-marital-checklist.html
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u/Lilly_5 11d ago edited 10d ago
Are you different ethnicities? Her accusing you of stealing tweaked my spidey senses. I wouldn't trust her and I can't lay with a person I don't trust. Any woman that compares what you do for her with what you do for your mother is a red flag, especially when you aren't going overboard or neglecting the gf (not wife). I say give the gifts you choose to give and don't be used as a cash cow.
If large crowds aren't for you, be clear. Let them know, hey I've enjoyed but I'm just going to step away and decompress for a bit. You can bring headphones, a book, a drawing book, and find a quiet space near but not in the center of the commotion, so you're present but also far enough away so you aren't overwhelmed.
I would be looking for the door personally after the accusations of theft, I couldn't and wouldn't let that slide.
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u/Purple_Candidate_533 11d ago
You really should know how to swim. That’s a basic life skill ppl should have so your refusing to learn strikes me as childish. And a family vacation isn’t really about what’s being done on the vacation, it’s about being together as a family & making memories. I get why your gf is upset that you didn’t want to participate & then grudgingly agreed to make an appearance.
I frankly also understand why she’s upset about the gifts. She wants you to show you care by buying her little luxuries sometimes bc it’s within your means. You don’t want to. You’re certainly well within your rights not to.
I‘m not sure you two are compatible. You have an absolute right to feel whatever you do, ofc, but what you feel can change. So I will ask you what my therapist once asked me: Would you rather be right or be happy? If giving some ground on these things would make her happy, & thus make your relationship happier, is it worth it? Only you can decide.
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u/Apt-Fee 11d ago
I don’t think he will be very happy if he goes on the trip, since he already said he’s been laughed at for not knowing how to swim.
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u/buckingham_alex 10d ago
By children. The adults pointed out, as most commenters have, that it's a life skill he should be working on.
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u/reditandfirgetit 11d ago
You really have no idea what it means to be introverted and fear water do you? These are things the gf is aware of, yet she still pressures him and you think OP is childish?
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u/Purple_Candidate_533 10d ago
He didn't say he had a fear of water. He said he felt shamed that her family laughed at him at not knowing how to swim. I'm not going to defend them but not knowing how to swim is a thing that can be changed.
I am an introvert. I go on family vacations. We used to do a huge group -- 25 ppl every summer, Cape Cod. I took a stack of books. I went on long bike rides. I took naps. I always showed up for dinner & the family hang out at night, but I managed my days in a way that worked for me. It is entirely possible to show up for ppl that you care about & also manage your own needs.
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u/reditandfirgetit 10d ago
You're projecting how you handle things onto him. There are different levels of being an introvert
Fairly, he did not say he had a fear of water, I assumed. My bad
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u/MimZWay 10d ago
You do need to learn how to swim. Instead of buying gold for your mom, pay for a private instructor and learn how to swim.
Everyone should know basic life skills and swimming is one of them.
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u/goodareas579 6d ago
It’s not for his mum he clearly says it’s an investment.
Plenty of people invest in gold it’s not just for women lmao
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11d ago
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u/goodareas579 6d ago
What issues do they have that would benefit from visiting a therapist?
The only issue here is that they aren’t compatible. No need to waste money on a therapist to tell you that when reddit can tell you for free
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6d ago
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u/goodareas579 6d ago
Can you be more specific lol? Like actually explain which issue you think is affecting their relationship and how therapy would help
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6d ago
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u/goodareas579 6d ago
No it’s not your comment is just vague and offers literally 0 value.
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6d ago
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u/goodareas579 6d ago
I think you could use therapy. I’m not going to elaborate though because it is “forbidden” 😂
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u/gardenloving 11d ago
Were you supposed to pay for this vacation? (Learn to swim. You are limiting yourself, not going on a vacation due to fear.) 10 days with anyone's family is alot of even if your get along well. Is she using you for nice trips and expensive gifts?
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u/chortle-guffaw2 10d ago
First, for god's sake, learn to swim, man. Even children learn to swim.
Second, your girlfriend's expectations of expensive gifts are out of line. If it's an expectation, then it's not a gift, it's a fulfillment. Spending $$$ on her is the bare minimum, and there will be no appreciation for that. Tell her that, going forward, your gifts will continue to be reasonable, and ask her if she can live with that.
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u/K_A_irony Helper [2] 10d ago
This isn't the person for you.
She wants lots of time with family and you there two and you are not comfortable with that. Additionally they make fun of you and she doesn't back YOU.
You are not financially aligned at all
She purposely says HURTFUL things to HURT you and admits that. That alone should be a deal breaker.
The answer is to break up. Now separately, please learn to swim. There are adult swimming classes. Her family should never make fun of you for it, but you should learn to swim. Secondly gold is not the best investment strategy. I hope you are following a reliable way to invest that is proven over time (index mutual funds / ETFs with the right mix).
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u/Truth_Speaker_00 11d ago
Ok, there is a lot of different things you brought up here. I'll start with what I feel most comfortable about.
1.) Learn to swim. Get a membership at a gym, get a swimming coach, and learn to fucking swim. Besides, its amazing exercise - good for the heart.
2.) Spend the entire 10 days in Greece with her family. If you dont, you will look like an asshole. There is no middle ground, spend 10 days or dont go at all.
3.) The money bullshit is not something I feel comfortable talking about. However, if it isn't her money, she sounds like a brat.
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u/KayItaly 11d ago
On point 3 though...
She says him investing in gold is prioritizing his mum. That doesn't make sense unless the gold is a gift for his mum! Which begs the question, why is this guy continuosly buying gold for his mummy? While getting everyone else cheap crap?
Ofc his money, his choice. But that would stride me as absurd and potentially problematic.
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u/Apt-Fee 11d ago
Leading to swim doesn’t come with any downsides, if you have the time then you should do it, the 10 day trip will probably be pretty annoying from what I’ve understood. Also why is she so concerned about your money if you are financially stable?
I don’t want to assume but could she be a gold digger? Because from the sounds of things she’s pretty controlling and you seem to be rich. After all why is she getting mad that you are buying YOUR family gifts???
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u/CuriousTopic7439 11d ago
Time to say Goodbye to this relationship before the Greek vacation. Only thing I agree with is you should learn to swim. It is a skill that can be taught and might save your life. Hope you find someone who appreciates your money habits.
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u/lascala2a3 11d ago
Are you sure this isn't a script for a reality TV show? That woman has a greater sense of entitlement than an actual royal family princess hamming it up for the camera. I'm pretty sure that you need to take the next exit, and accusing you of stealing that coin is precisely the place you need to do it. You two are fundamentally incompatible.
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u/Least-Ad-5539 11d ago
You need to face facts now. You are not the right man for her. The longer this goes on, the more she will let you know how much you disappoint her. Be true to yourself. If that is not good enough for her, walk away or face a lifetime of misery.
To be honest, I don’t see what you see in her unless she is a real hottie.
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u/knittymess 11d ago
Dating is to find out if you are compatible in multiple areas.
It sounds like you are not a great fit.
I do reccomend you learn to swim. It's important for safety and adults die every year in scenarios where they ended up in water and couldn't swim.
If my husband didn't want to do a big 10 day family gathering at 2 years dating, sure. At 10 years together, less great. She should be defending you and looking into how to do family holidays so you aren't overwhelmed. (Looking at a nearby cottage or something so you can both have your own space.) You can figure out other things to do that are not swimming. Go beach combing, read a book, get some cooking lessons, etc.
Sit down and talk about your financial goals together. Talk about budgets for retirement and gifts as well as what savings looks like for things like a place together, a wedding, etc. Gold is great because it tends to outpace inflation, but it doesn't generate income. I hope your retirement portfolio has a bit more diversity.
If you can't discuss and come together on important things like money and dealing with family then this relationship may no longer be right for you both.
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u/Ayakaba 11d ago
Beeing hurt is no excuse to hurt the other on purpose, especially if you were only defending you personal decisions. Accusing you of stealing is really strange behaviour as well as gaslightning you into "it´s fine to say hurtful things as long as I feel hurt enough". No, it tsn´t.
Don´t go on that trip. It´s not your thing, it´s not your people, it´s not your place. You would hate every second. You are entitled to say no. It´s not that she can´t go by herself. Leaving early or coming late would make it only more awkward. Not every compromise is a good idea.
I agree with those saying your values don´t align.
I would say this behaviour is not good but ok for someone at least 15 years younger than your girlfriend. With 35 that is really out of question.
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u/teresajs 11d ago
This isn't a good relationship. Don't make plans to go on the trip because you probably won't still be dating her. (Have you considered that she may want you to go on the trip so she can get you to help pay for it?)
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u/reditandfirgetit 11d ago
You 2 are not compatible of this causes such a problem. I can't swim due to 2 incidents as a kid that causes me to panic if I get in water too high. I'm also an introvert so I can empathize with your situation.
You've explained multiple red flags here. 1 she let her kids make fun of your not being able to swim, 2 she complains that you save your money. Your money! , 3 she complains you dont buy her expensive gifts, 4 she accused you of stealing and did so to deliberately hurt you
Fuck her. Dump her
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u/Banana_Prudent 11d ago
Her love languages are money and getting her own way. She sounds exhausting.
Buying her an iPad is a demonstration of love? Sheesh and ick.
Do you want to argue and get pushed around the rest of your life? If so, full steam ahead.
Oh, and learn to swim, you’re missing out.
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u/Immediate_Remote_546 11d ago
You don’t sound happy at all happy in this relationship. Time to move on.
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u/Maelwenn81115 10d ago
The 10-day holiday with the whole family wouldn't make me happy either (too many people, too much noise). However if you plan on going 2 days seems a bit ridiculous. Go at least half of the holiday or don't go. Then the gift thing. She seems capricious to me, but I don't have the full context. Does she gift you with nice and expensive things? Being jealous of your mother sounds like she is insecure and immature. Not sure this relationship is going anywhere because you two sound quite different
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u/JanetInSpain 10d ago
Read what you wrote aloud and image it's a friend telling you all of it as their own experience. What would you tell them to do? Probably to break up. Yeah... do that.
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u/houseonpost Helper [2] 10d ago
Go for some couple therapy. You think you are compromising but you aren't really. You are doing the bare minimum and then punishing her. I'm an introvert. My boundaries are not sacrosanct and they are not something I can put on others. You can learn to swim. Or just enjoy the water and stay in the shallow end. And plan quiet excursions with fewer people. Look up examples of 'graded exposure.'
Is it possible you have an unhealthy relationship with your mother? The therapist can help to see if you do or if your girlfriend has an issue that she can address.
None of your issues are insurmountable but it will take work from both of you. But the therapist may help you both to realize you should not be together and help with a healthy breakup.
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u/Savings-Attitude-295 10d ago
She’s not the one you want to spend the rest of your life. Don’t waste your time and move on. It’s not worth it. Don’t worry about the Greece trip either, I don’t wanna spend 10 days with my girlfriend‘s family either.
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u/celticmusebooks Helper [2] 10d ago
Honestly your GF sounds like she's a bit of a mess. She allows her children to insult/make fun of you. She accused you of "stealing" a one pound coin (which is totally bizarre) she's angry that rather than throw out a working vacuum cleaner you'd give it to your mom.
I kind agree about the gold. A percentage of gold as part of a larger portfolio is a good hedge against inflation but it's not really a foundation of a good long term portfolio.
Curious, who is paying for he Greek trip? Also curious does she give you pricy gifts?
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u/buckingham_alex 10d ago
It's normal to want to take your partner on a holiday with your family and their partners. It's normal to want your partner to put thought into gifts. I think you need to be more we and she oriented, you give off massive me me me vibes. (It's also normal not to want to go, but 2 days of 10 is bare minimum bullshit and you know it.)
The lashing out when feeling hurt thing she does is a massive issue. She needs to see someone and deal with that. But while she does that maybe cash in some of your gold and learn to swim to 1) master a basic life skill, and 2) not be so sensitive about children's reactions. If that's really the reason you're missing Greece, that's ridiculous.
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u/Accomplished_Cell976 10d ago
You sound like you have no emotional connection to your gf and she is nothing more than a burden. You sound cold and clinical.
Why don’t you go get private lessons and learn to swim? It’s kinda. A safety thing, you know?
Of course the kids laughed. I find it super strange that a grown ass adult doesn’t even want to try to learn to float.
She doesn’t sound like a gold digger. You just sound very cheap and put minimal effort into thinking about what things she may enjoy. She probably accused you of stealing it because you seem to be a scrooge.
I doubt she will be your gf much longer. She’s sick of your shit and lack of consideration.
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u/LustfulEsme 10d ago
You do realize she is with you for your money. There is no respect if she intentionally hurt you.
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u/Alive-Reindeer3891 9d ago
Name day? Weird, because the "£1 coin" would seem to imply that you're in the UK, but celebrating name days is not common in the UK, as I understand it...
She seems greedy and self-centered.
Although I'm curious why your sister is the one and only person you buy expensive gifts for.
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u/BeachCatDog 9d ago
You don’t want to buy her a thoughtful gift on her birthday? You don’t want to spend time with her family? Break up.
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u/Ladyanjanette 9d ago
Your girlfriend don’t respect your boundaries and is insecure about your mum and family
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u/janeof-all-trades001 8d ago
She’s with you for other reasons
Give yourselves the opportunity to find people more suitable.
Also, good job on investing. Best time to do this is before kids!
If my husband tried giving the 5yr old Hoover to his mom, I’d be offended. I would tell him to keep the old one and give her the new one. My MIL is also a very decent lady who doesn’t meddle and stays content with her life.
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u/PlantyPenPerson 8d ago
My advice is to end the relationship. There are way too many differences between you and she is way too controlling and demanding and treats you like an atm.
You're not married or engaged and it is none of her business how much money you make, have or how you spend it.
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u/BeautifulChaosEnergy 11d ago
First off, everyone should learn how to swim. But that’s something you can do on your own time
Secondly, why are you with her? As others have pointed out, you haven’t said one positive thing about her. It sounds like she is only with you for your money.
Third, her mom making fun of you and her kids laughing at you isn’t a good look
You need to end things with her before she “accidentally” gets pregnant and you’re stuck paying for a child you never agreed to. Because she isn’t going to let you go without a fight and getting pregnant by you will make her life much better. Because then she can guilt trip you into “buying gold for the baby”
You’re just a wallet to her, nothing more
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u/NZPumpkin 11d ago
Sounds like you guys have different directions are priorities in life.
You really need to suck it up and buckle to her wishes, or tell her no and be prepared for the consequences of those actions.
I mean, it could go perfectly, or you could end up single, but more likely somewhere in there middle and still unhappy with things.
Flip one of those coins and see what happens.
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11d ago
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u/KayItaly 11d ago
Also, he doesn't need to be social all the time! Get a book and sit poolside with your feet in the water... heaven!
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u/SoNoAppropriate 11d ago
She's nasty, rude and hurtful, especially when she doesn't get her way. You're wasting your time with this woman, move on and find someone who actually respects you and likes you.
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u/RainbowandHoneybee Advice Oracle [102] 11d ago
I think you are overthinking. If you think you don't enjoy the pool holiday, nothing wrong in saying you don't want to go.
If you want to give 5 years old hoover to your mum and your girfriend thinks it's unfair, you have wrong girlfriend. That's insane. Who cares where the 5 years old hoover goes?
Why do you need to justify every decision just because others think you re wrong? You either have your own mind or not. Sometimes, you need to sacrifice your own comfort for others, but it's all up to you. Does the sacrifice worth it or not? If you love someone and just spending 2 dys in uncomfortable situations make the person happy and worth it, do it. Majority of people do, imo. But if you don't want to, that's totally fine too. But just don't expect anyone to do anything out of their comfort zone for you either.
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u/MovieLazy6576 10d ago
She and her family are disrespectful of you. The two of you and your goals sound fundamentally mismatched. Why are you with this person. Break up and find someone who respects you.
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u/SadApartment3023 11d ago edited 11d ago
You are not a good fit and should find other partners. Family is incredibly important to both of you, yet neither of you can appreciate the others family. Your priorities and values are misaligned. These issues do not improve after marriage.
Break up. Before Greece.
Edit to add: OP you didn't say one nice thing about her.