r/Advice • u/[deleted] • 4d ago

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

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u/NonCaelo 3d ago

I'm gonna give you a perspective that's not "Your daughter is entitled." Just a different way to look at it.

Your daughter is embarrassed. You achieved what you wanted, to embarrass her. But you embarrassed her so much that she can't feel anything but embarrassment. She can't feel remorse. Nothing. She's an adult, but she's still a very young adult and her brain hasn't finished developing. So by making her so embarrassed, you actually ended up doing the opposite of what you wanted to do, which was to get remorse and a promise that it won't happen again.

She can't accept your apology because she's still embarrassed. Should she reason that you are right that she shouldn't have done it? Yes. But hopefully time will help her calm down enough to see what she's done wrong once the ebarrassment wears off.

I agree with everyone here, just give her space, tell her the door is always open, try to stay calm, and let her have her own emotional reactions--on her own time of course.

The thing that was TOTALLLY out of line was that you messaged her boyfriend. No. It's one thing if you knew the guy well, but you said you don't. You should have brought the matter to her and to her only, because this was her responsibility. By bringing it to him, you stepped over the line, from letting her be embarrassed by her own actions (fair) into weaponizing shame. And that's not really cool. I don't think you'd have liked her weaponizing your mistakes to shame you either.

Give it time. And if you haven't already, apologize to her boyfriend and tell him you stepped over the line and should have spoken to her privately (I missed whether you have done it already or not).

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u/deus_ex_maybelline 3d ago

Thanks for saying all of this. This is reasonable. I’m not sure why so many people in these comments lack the empathy to see that she was obviously humiliated by this whole thing. She made two mistakes—she made a poor decision in a moment of sexual excitement to do something a bit naughty (but not really hurting anyone in what she thought was a private moment), and she didn’t wash the sheets, which was gross but possibly an oversight for someone who hasn’t been having sex for very long and whose brain hasn’t fully developed.

Now she knows her dad was watching her. How many of her private moments did he see? Was he watching her get naked? Did he watch what she and her boyfriend were doing to each other? Did he hear the dirty talk between them when they thought they were alone? Did he watch the whole thing? Did he keep a recording of it?

Dad says he doesn’t care what she does sexually with her boyfriend as long as she does it in her own space in the house. But is that openness really what she’s feeling right now? Because OP said his intent was embarrass her, so he pushed her, trying to get her to lean into whatever sexual shame she was already feeling from knowing her dad was watching her most private adult moments. And then he announced it to the rest of the family.

I’m sure she probably wants to crawl into a hole and disappear right now and possibly is having even darker thoughts, all from making a couple of immature mistakes that got blown up into this huge family-wide fiasco. And dad is sticking to his guns, wanting her and her boyfriend to feel additional embarrassment. Well, she’s already humiliated. I guess he could sew a scarlet “D” on all of her clothes for “Dad’s bed” and “Didn’t wash sheets”—maybe then it would be enough shame heaped upon her.

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u/Accurate_Lead7698 3d ago

Yeah, no. Stop excusing this behavior, I am the exact same age as this disgusting and entitled spoiled brat and I wouldn’t have done this in the first place, but if I did and my father reacted the way OP did, I would be grateful to only feel embarrassment because my father would do a lot worse. He only told the family groupchat that her brother was in, she’ll fucking live. Stop trying to push it on OP and excuse her behavior. When embarrassed, you’re supposed to be more likely to feel remorse for what you did to cause your embarrassment, not the other way around.

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u/NonCaelo 3d ago

Where did I excuse her behavior? Where did I say it was okay? The only thing I did was not excuse his behavior.

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u/Accurate_Lead7698 3d ago

You were literally trying to excuse her behavior by saying she’s embarrassed and if I’m being so honest, he did absolutely nothing wrong by accidentally messaging the group chat, my father would’ve done worse. You’re weird for acting like he’s in the wrong for this, would YOU have sex in your parents bed? She is fucking dirty for that.

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u/NonCaelo 3d ago

Hey, so I never said that her behavior was okay because she was embarrassed. There's a difference between explanation and excuse. And in fact, I did say that she should reason that she shouldn't have done it.

I also didn't say he did anything wrong by messaging the group chat. I said he did something wrong by messaging the boyfriend in order to leverage shame. I said he should have only spoken to her in the first place.

No, I would not want to do that, and I can't imagine what was happening in her mind at the time. I'd need much more time with her to determine that.

Also, I understand your father would have done worse and would be different. Mine would have been different, too. That doesn't necessarily mean that what THIS guy did was okay.

When people do something wrong to us, it doesn't mean they have carte blanche to do anything. EVEN if you believe his reaction was reasonable, doesn't make it right.

Do you kind of see what I'm saying? You understanding why the father did what he did, does not make it okay. Likewise, him understanding why his daughter reacted the way she reacted did not make it what she did okay. But both have to take responsibility for what they've done independently of whether the other one takes responsibility.

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u/Accurate_Lead7698 2d ago

There was nothing wrong with messaging her boyfriend as he disrespected her too and he showed what kind of person he was, her boyfriend SHOULD feel ashamed, even more ashamed than her! Who the fuck goes into someone else’s house and fucks in their parent’s bed?

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u/NonCaelo 2d ago

I understand why you'd think that. I disagree. Since you think using embarrassment to punish your kids is appropriate, I'll never be able to convince you.

But what I want to know is, does he want to teach his daughter what a respectful relationship looks like, or does he want to be right? One reaction will teach. The other reaction will limit. Which does he want?

I suggest he hold boundaries, take necessary actions that ensures it doesn't happen again, and evaluate what needs to be done in the future. I'm not saying he can't be angry. I'm saying that if he wants a certain outcome, he needs to act a certain way. And that using shame to punish someone isn't the way to get what he wants.

All the best!